Awash with feeling
What was not scheduled
Built up behind the dam
Of what wanted to stay in place
The resulting depth
Is exquisite.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Friday, August 12, 2011
Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose
Lots of changes have taken place and continue to take place in my life. This day has been full of strange surprises and surprising good decisions, and I'd like to share a little bit.
First, I stayed later at work than I believe I ever have, at least in a long while. Helping a client who needed time to talk to somebody for a long time. I simply could not brush this guy off. He is quite exceptional; he's being completely idiotic in many, many ways, but he's got an exceptional mind and a strong heart, although it's buried under quite a lot of pain and excuses and deceptions. It's a tough case with no clear solution for the long run. But, for the short run, I enjoyed talking to him, even though I realize that I was, to a certain extent, enabling him in his thread of misery. Such is the strange role of Case Manager, somewhere between therapist and bureaucrat and often something that is neither - often just a person sitting next to another person with no agenda. Sounds very zen, but one often ends up trying to do a lot, just being a person sitting next to that other person, and it's difficult to realize that no agenda is necessary.
But on to my personal life.
This afternoon, after a couple hours of dissipation, I decided to get to work on the transition from OSX to Ubuntu. The deed is done. I'm learning a lot already. Ubuntu has taken great strides in being user-friendly, but it is still far, far rougher and more challenging than Windows or Mac OS. I felt a little bit like I was leaving home and journeying off to college; leaving the next and flying. There was a tangible increase in responsibility. And it has been tremendously illuminating.
I won't go into details, but, as an example, when I first loaded Ubuntu, sound didn't work quite right. And there are so many discussions of so many problems related to sound on MacBooks running Ubuntu that I quickly realized I had to understand the problem better if I wanted to find a solution. So, after some experimentation of my own, I pinpointed the issue (some of the individual internal speakers had been set to mute as default, but not all of them) and found the solution (alsamixer). Now, not only do I have sound, but I understand the hardware of my computer better and have far more control of it than I ever had before. This is an excellent sort of challenge; I have chosen comfort for the sake of greater understanding and mastery.
And, yes, this is just about computers, and I think it's important. There is an emotional component to this, too, and I will be getting to that some other time. But focusing on computers, not just with Ubuntu but my resurrected interest in programming, gets me to understand what thinking is for much more clearly. I am an overthinker; mind has a great control over me; I rationalize and excuse and detach and do all the bad things that overthinkers do. Yet I don't think that focusing on computers again is sealing myself in that world. Rather, it's the opposite. By learning about computing, algorithms and analysis, I see how best to use the mind; see what the mind consists of; see what its boundaries are. Learning this is not only practical, helpful and healthy, but it allows me to separate healthy use of the mind from its improper usurption of the rest of my life.
At the same time, my violin practice has been blooming. I've had the fortunate experience of simultaneously glimpsing that I will never be perfect and that I am making steady, swift progress. Leaps and bounds, almost. I feel like I am approaching the level I was at when I stopped taking lessons. I don't think I'm there yet; maybe I'm not even as close as I think I am. But it would make sense that I am reaching that point quickly. I might even be doing some things better now. No: I in fact have done some things better, at least in little sparks and flashes here and there. I feel like a richer human being more in touch with his body and his feelings at 28 than I was at 19, when I stopped lessons. I should hope so.
This is an unusually long post. A lot has gone on, although I have just focused on for tonight. More is pending. But it feels good to be sharing again.
Good night, all.
First, I stayed later at work than I believe I ever have, at least in a long while. Helping a client who needed time to talk to somebody for a long time. I simply could not brush this guy off. He is quite exceptional; he's being completely idiotic in many, many ways, but he's got an exceptional mind and a strong heart, although it's buried under quite a lot of pain and excuses and deceptions. It's a tough case with no clear solution for the long run. But, for the short run, I enjoyed talking to him, even though I realize that I was, to a certain extent, enabling him in his thread of misery. Such is the strange role of Case Manager, somewhere between therapist and bureaucrat and often something that is neither - often just a person sitting next to another person with no agenda. Sounds very zen, but one often ends up trying to do a lot, just being a person sitting next to that other person, and it's difficult to realize that no agenda is necessary.
But on to my personal life.
This afternoon, after a couple hours of dissipation, I decided to get to work on the transition from OSX to Ubuntu. The deed is done. I'm learning a lot already. Ubuntu has taken great strides in being user-friendly, but it is still far, far rougher and more challenging than Windows or Mac OS. I felt a little bit like I was leaving home and journeying off to college; leaving the next and flying. There was a tangible increase in responsibility. And it has been tremendously illuminating.
I won't go into details, but, as an example, when I first loaded Ubuntu, sound didn't work quite right. And there are so many discussions of so many problems related to sound on MacBooks running Ubuntu that I quickly realized I had to understand the problem better if I wanted to find a solution. So, after some experimentation of my own, I pinpointed the issue (some of the individual internal speakers had been set to mute as default, but not all of them) and found the solution (alsamixer). Now, not only do I have sound, but I understand the hardware of my computer better and have far more control of it than I ever had before. This is an excellent sort of challenge; I have chosen comfort for the sake of greater understanding and mastery.
And, yes, this is just about computers, and I think it's important. There is an emotional component to this, too, and I will be getting to that some other time. But focusing on computers, not just with Ubuntu but my resurrected interest in programming, gets me to understand what thinking is for much more clearly. I am an overthinker; mind has a great control over me; I rationalize and excuse and detach and do all the bad things that overthinkers do. Yet I don't think that focusing on computers again is sealing myself in that world. Rather, it's the opposite. By learning about computing, algorithms and analysis, I see how best to use the mind; see what the mind consists of; see what its boundaries are. Learning this is not only practical, helpful and healthy, but it allows me to separate healthy use of the mind from its improper usurption of the rest of my life.
At the same time, my violin practice has been blooming. I've had the fortunate experience of simultaneously glimpsing that I will never be perfect and that I am making steady, swift progress. Leaps and bounds, almost. I feel like I am approaching the level I was at when I stopped taking lessons. I don't think I'm there yet; maybe I'm not even as close as I think I am. But it would make sense that I am reaching that point quickly. I might even be doing some things better now. No: I in fact have done some things better, at least in little sparks and flashes here and there. I feel like a richer human being more in touch with his body and his feelings at 28 than I was at 19, when I stopped lessons. I should hope so.
This is an unusually long post. A lot has gone on, although I have just focused on for tonight. More is pending. But it feels good to be sharing again.
Good night, all.
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