Descanso

I am going to rest a bit, gradually ease into bed tonight.

It was a productive evening; I brought my macbook out into the living room and did some good planning / correspondance in a more peaceful setting. My desk needs some more Feng Shui work.

I feel a little pressure about Peru, but I'm making progress.

I think if I really make an effort, I can both stay sane and get a tremendous amount done before my trip.

One good development is that Zen might be switching before long; instead of Wednesday nights it will be 2 hours on Thursday Nights and 90 minutes early Monday morning, like around 6 or so. At first that turned me off a little bit, but actually that would be a great way to start my week, and maybe a great way to help set the tone for waking up with energy.

Good, quiet developments.

Beautiful night, all.

Subtle changes

Things are going well in terms of my inner-experience. I've gained a lot of good perspective over the past few days; partly from the 7-hour zazenkai on Sunday, partly because of a good session with Sam this morning, but mostly from quiet, steady work.

But I am feeling pressed for time. That could change. Some of the perspective I have gained is to appreciate my "time-wasting" proclivities. Maybe it's not a matter of needing more and more, but of doing a better job of reconciliation; of being less divided. Of valuing everything about me, and slowly disabusing myself of the habit of wanting to "eliminate" bad habits, instead of understanding them and allowing them to communicate with the rest of me.

More to come.

Centro de la Rueda

Another successful night of centering journaling. I need to do more - eventually. I hope the memory of the grounded, open feeling that it created reminds me to keep doing it again and again. In the journaling itself it came out that I am very worried that I will forget to do things like this; it will get swept up in my daily life, my projects, agendas, fears, obsessions - and forgotten.

Part of the work is living through that fear. Being afraid. Making something real of that fear - the same as learning my weakness.

Also, it's important to remind myself that this is good in itself; this activity is valuable in itself. There is no next step. I am arriving every moment. I guess that's the opposite of gone ("gate") which is a Buddhist "ideal," but screw ideals.

I am hear.

Good night, everyone.

Quick Reflections

I made it to my scheduled time for myself.

Very fruitful centering activity. I sat on my couch with my notebook and just wrote. I paused and thought a lot; it wasn't one of those stream-of-consciousness exercises.

I have the feeling I have been doing somewhat well learning how to be more active; how to work and function better; but I need to continue making my way to the core of me. I need to spend time on this. It is essential; it's really the only work for me. I want to know who I am. The other stuff cannot really flow unless I do this other work.

I need to open more. I have made huge strides in understanding myself, but I need to take further steps. This mania of accomplishing things is demonstration of a lack of balance. I have been suspicious of this, but now I feel I am ready to start doing the work.

I have a few leads as to where to start. Look at it from a perspective of holding in pain. First, notice that I experience pain. Second, notice how I react to it. I can then begin noticing how the reactions produce actions, thoughts, feelings.

I can ask myself the question: can I feel different? Am I moving somewhere else? Are my current patterns worthwhile, or do I need to change them? I could really benefit with a review of what is valuable to me; what I need to secure for myself.

Yoga would be great. It's something I don't have a tight grasp on; it slips away.

I could also look at a variety of therapies, including modern and traditional means. I could give the Soilless Gardens technique that Any talks about so much a decent chance. There are many choices.

I have been blessed the past few days with particularly still and clear meditation. I cannot expect it to last forever, but it seems new; it seems like a consistent development. This is good; this helps me continue, to do feel like I am gaining good perspective and the practice is worthwhile.

Sleepy and Sick

Yes, I missed the time I was going to spend on myself. I felt too sleepy and sick. I'm going to zazen then bed. I'll try again tomorrow.

Brevity

I spent some good time reviewing what I still need to do for Peru, coming up with a good action plan.

After yesterday, and even through my Mental Health First Aid class today, I have been thinking about the necessity of going still deeper into understanding my feelings. I need to figure out what's at the core of me that makes me what I am. This important task I have not completed; or, if it can't be completed, I have not attempted long enough, thoroughly enough, to a satisfying resting point.

Inroads into it: deeper journaling. Journeying. I will be journeying on Friday night. Maybe I can prepare myself with some private time reflecting? Tuesday, Wednesday Thursday. Tomorrow night. Wednesday morning. Thursday night. A good 15 - 20 minutes is all I need to do. I will give myself 30 minutes each time. It will consist of writing with some reflective meditation, maybe active imagination if I can go there.

Tuesday: 9:30pm. Wednesday: 10:20 AM. Thursday: 8:30pm.

I am setting down, right here, I will commit to doing this at these times.

Thanks for being a witness, all.

Awash

A strong, unforgettable emotional day for me. And then I spent the evening watching Star Trek TNG and playing stupid strategy games. Go figure. Such is the nature of my coping mechanisms.

I awoke in an odd mood this morning, interfering a little bit with my time with Penelope. We went on a hike, which I cut short, because I felt tired inside and out. We walked back in silence. Not like me, the way I've been the past few months. We drove up to the lookout before the Ski Basin and talked. Everything I was feeling came out. She told me how she felt. It was incredibly reassuring. I also felt extremely vulnerable and crumbled into her. It was nice.

Where does this get me? I've still got a lot of work to do, emotionally. Things turned out well; and it's important for me to note that things turned out well, because I decided to share how I was feeling rather than bottle it up. There was a direct connection. I need to stamp this cause and effect chain into my brain.

When I was meditating this morning, something was different. I felt like I did not need to do anything else. The sitting was not getting in the way of doing anything, I had no need to rush, nothing to look forward to afterward - that was where I needed to be. A lot of that was motivated by negative feelings; a mix of anxiety and depression that was being catalyzed by bottled up shame (which is what came out later in the day). But it also felt very deep. As if I was directly facing these feelings in a way I don't usually do. As if I was really taking them seriously, rather than looking them as mysterious speed bumps on my smoothly paved schedule. It was frightening and disturbing to swim in these particular feelings (which were ultimately doubts about myself), but also very hopeful for me - it let me know I can go a little bit deeper into these things. What makes it less frightening? Talking about it with someone close.

Easy, cheesy, sentimental advice, but true.

I continue to work. But can't I put more of a focus on this stuff? Prioritize the emotional growth above everything else? It's more than a good investment of energy - It's what all this work is for; for understanding myself.

It's not sunny, but the cloud is fantastic

Bear with me as I continue to focus on my schedule.

I woke up around 6:50 this morning. I ended up staying in bed until around 7:20. I woke up feeling rested and relaxed. This is a very good change. Excellent, in fact. Because, really, what I'm aiming for is to feel good. All the other stuff is details.

So I felt good. I had my protein shake, which I had to take in front of my roommates, because I refrigerate it now. This means I do a little bit of talking before I meditate. I really don't like that. It's just another step away from how I would like the morning meditation to go.

But the meditation was fine. It was focused. A noticeable lack of tension this morning, now that I am just burning to feel tension and begin criticizing myself for feeling tension so that I can accept it all: the failure to relax, the failure to be kind to myself, everything. Accept and allow everything, is my current injunction from both my therapist and Zen teacher. Funny how it works.

I exercised for about 15 minutes, made a breakfast and concocted what ended up being a gigantic salad for lunch. Doing dishes and everything else, I was finished with the kitchen at around 9:20. I had political snark videos to entertain me (mainly Bill Maher and Rachel Maddow). I consider this a guilty pleasure rather than helpful for anything.

Then I did a few grooming things, getting ready for work. But instead of sitting down and doing the spreadsheet stuff, I spontaneously decided to play accordion. Which was fun. Then I had to bring out other instruments, my drum, my flutes, and play them for about 10 minutes. Now I'm blogging, and it's time to go.

Worse things can happen in the morning. I'm just going to ride this out. Though there are serious things to consider in life and limited time to do all the work, there are worse interruptions than feeling fine.

Discouragement means marking incremental success

Also, discouragement is a good indication to open one's self up to the moment. Any moment is a good moment for that, however.

I have some ideas about how to be more comfortable with my sense of time and having time - but there's more to just stew and ponder. I need to get back to work on that projects spreadsheet, but my time in the morning has been scant. So, a reasonable objective would be to increase the amount of free time I have in the morning.

Deciding on a time to wake up and trying to hit it squarely just does not work. Naturally, I want to go to bed at around 11 and wake up around 7:30. I think I will make this my schedule from now on. If I want to push it back a little bit, I can try gradually and consistently. I don't want to be constantly working against myself.

This also means that I'm going to have to stop trying to exercise on Wednesdays and move it to Tuesdays. This messes up my schedule with Sam. I really wish Zen would go ahead and switch to Thursdays. Maybe I could switch Sam to Mondays? But then I really don't have any free time. More to work out some other time.

Allow, allow, allow

I have about 4 minutes left before I need to head to work, and I'm stuffing it chock full of blog.

The new attempt to balance my schedule between projects and relaxation/expansion continues. Last night was fraught with anesthetic activities, and I got to bed way too late, but I did get in some good accordion practice and a tiny bit of reading. Was it left completely open to expansive/relaxing activities? Absolutely not! I succumbed to the pressure and did some work. What happens if I have nothing to do, leave all the work for the morning? I don't know, because it hasn't happened yet. My theory remains to be tested.

I will be tempted to do work tonight. The most pressing thing is to look at accommodations in Cusco. Can I wait two days? That's a big hitch in my system - I have 0 time to do work on Wednesdays, if I can't get up early enough. And I need to decide if I'm going to try to run in the morning or not - I still haven't decided. Actually, my new plan is to walk barefoot for 60 minutes instead of jogging for 30. I will plan that time as I walk to work, which I need to do now.

Brief note before I gotta run: good session with Sam this morning. I worked a lot on my resistance to allowing emotions to emerge; took a look at all the patterns of discouragement, the unhelpful dichotomy between complete control and complete lack of control, and all the things that go into me blocking out the fullness of my life. More on this.

Have a great day, all.

Getting it all sorted out

Blogging, and my life in general, has not been very consistent lately. In a simple effort to get back to good habits, I'm going to make a realistic commitment: I will be blogging 5 days a week. Monday through Thursday, then once on the weekend, whichever day is easier for me (it changes all the time). Exceptions will be made for days spent away from my computer; for example, the weekend of April 29, when I'll be out of town.

I will try to blog in the morning. This might require that I be better about waking up early; something I'm still struggling with. But I have a theory that might change everything - the theory that if I do all the "necessary" things in the morning and give myself time in the evenings to relax and expand my mind through music, reading and creativity, I will 1. engage in fewer anesthetic activities (mindless websurfing, games, video) 2. go to bed earlier 3. generally be more relaxed state of mind, which will allow me to wake up better. It's a very simple idea.

If I fail to blog in the morning, I will blog at night. If I need to, I will allow myself to blog a minimal statement.

For the time being, my main projects are Peru, which has a time limit, and a focus on productivity. I'm starting to use some of the productivity techniques I've been using at work at home; it's moving, but sluggishly. Somehow my own life is more complicated and difficult to plan out than my workday. Funny how that is. But my efforts at work have been so successful for me, I'm sure bringing them to bear at home will be a good thing, once I can gain some momentum.

Patience.

Have a great day, all.

Ch'aska

I went with Ch'aska Tours. They were cheaper than llamapath; the reviews on the internet decent enough, and the e-mail contact, Miguel, was just as helpful as Renzo. In fact, in the middle of a quick back-and-forth e-mail exchange, Miguel called me all the way from Peru, and we talked about my plans. That pretty much sealed the deal. So my deposit is sent. On to other things.

I've spent most of this evening de-stressing from a rough day. It's gone well; I played a lot of music, and I've been wearing my samue - the most comfortable set of clothing I own.

What I've learned from today is how important it is to really focus on why I do what I do. When things get stressful, you need to have that strong foundation. I did not do terribly; I just felt that weak link in myself, that was not entirely thought out, and I felt like I was removing myself from what was going on more than was necessary. This is a common tactic I end up using to deal with anxiety; just good for me to observe it.

Maria once again criticized my timidity, my inability to speak my opinion. I think she's correct. I feel that, yes, I hold back more than I ought to. What I need to remember when taking this criticism, however, is that I am by nature more of a listener than a talker and that the point is that needs to be balanced out. Not that who I am is wholly unacceptable. I do have a tendency to take all criticisms right to heart. And you know what? American society does not understand listening or support it very well, so the value of the way I do things is particularly obscured. But now that I've griped about the circumstances, I'm going to come away with this feeling like I need to make my voice heard.

However that can happen.

Good night, all.

Whack-a-mole

I am once again feeling the constraints of time. It required effort to get out of bed this morning. I got a good run in, had breakfast, went to work, went to zen, came home, had dinner, and now I'm here, and it's almost time for bed. I will get some good reading in tonight; I can feel it. I've finally got a little momentum going, and I'm probably going to finish Lord Jim very soon.

I'm feeling indecisive again about this Salkantay Trek. I think, if nothing else manifests, I'm just going to commit to llamapath, because it's the tour that I want with the company that I want. It's not the price that I want, but the company has worked with me the best. And if I'm paying over $400 for something that cost $80 ten years ago, I want good service.

The current pulls me along, as my mind drifts to other plans, other ideas, other tasks.

A note about the feelings behind it all, before I sign off for the night. I'm really focusing on all the resistances I feel, resistances to the things that I do and experience. Whether the resistance is a thought pattern that avoids a certain situation, an unwillingness to get out of bed, a feeling of tiredness, I need to realize: there is feeling there. The idea that nothing is going on, that I have no response or no feeling, is part of the ploy I've developed to avoid dealing with the natural pain that arises from existence. Can't I face that pain, expand with it, let it work through me? Yes, I can, and I need to stop telling myself I feel nothing in order to own it.

Good night, all.

Still still-arounding

Peru is not as settled as I would have hoped; I'm looking at new treks as sending my deposit to United Mice has proved more difficult than I understood it to be. They get very good reviews and have been a consistent favorite with Peru trekkers, so I generally trust them. However, Moneygram refuses to send money to the name they gave me as the recipient for the deposit, so I am a little skeptical. I sent them an e-mail yesterday informing them of this and asking them what their explanation is and what else I could do. The only other option would be visiting a Western Union agent, since I am for some reason unable to send money online (and, besides, it's 3x more expensive online). But I would want to make sure the recipient is valid before sending any money.

I'm looking at llamapath, which is a little more expensive, but the reviews are excellent, rather than just very good, and they are much more communicative. There is no June 16 Salkantay to Machu Picchu, but they offered to start one if I committed. I like their willingness to work with me and their prompt communication. As a bonus, they use Paypal to receive funds, which I am already registered with and would be much easier for me.

Other projects, then, fall a bit to the wayside. I need to keep chugging at this travel planning until I'm truly satisfied.

I am going to make a concerted effort to get to bed on time. Since I plan on getting up early tomorrow, that gives me about half an hour.

I've also begun creating a ToDo list. I've been making huge strides at work to organize the immense amount of tasks that collect around me; both to keep track of them in long-term, that is, make sure they get done, and also to serve as a visual point of focus, so if I am interrupted (which I am, again and again, all day long) I have a centerpoint I can return to, to remind me of what I am working on and what I need to get done. It's working pretty well.

And the biggest surprise is, as I step up my productivity, emotions come out, rather than hiding. I was afraid that all this focus on productivity and efficiency would be a temptation to focus on lists and plans and projects rather than on people, on the heart of the program, but it's not. As I confront the tasks I set down in the heat of the moment, as the idea struck me, and make a commitment to follow through with them, I bring up all kinds of nice, raw resistance: attachment to certain activities or ways of doing things. The more I make an effort to really sculpt a work process for myself, the more I see all the hangups and evasions and complaints about getting the job done that come up inside me. And the more I see these things, the more fully I can experience the emotions that went into them; the more I live my decisions and ideas, rather than just keeping them on a figurative shelf forever. My office and my job are my home as much as anything else, and it behooves me and my job to make it as vibrant and energetic and supportive place as I can make it. Hence all the OCD focus on cleaning, organizing and tasking.

I will leave you with a photo. My first and my most successful farming project, which I have been engaged in for almost 3 years continually: Sprouting.



I even took some time to polish the composition. I'm proud of them. If you live near me, let me know if you want some sprouts, and I'll happily give you some or grow them for you. This is a mix of alfalfa, clover, radish and cabbage. They take about 5 days to be edible.

Good night, all.