I want to dream a little bigger these days; and yet I'm also struggling to be more real. This contradiction is uncomfortable for me. I feel I could be doing more with myself, but I have this almost cynical pull to earth making sure that I have no time or energy for such things, at best, and a serious mistrust of my imagination, at worst. I don't know how to resolve this, other than continuing what I am doing - letting my current job situation do its work on me; deepening my zen practice; exploring different perspectives on self and methods on bringing it out; doing my body good, both in activity and diet; enjoying a relationship where I find myself being honest and therefore capable of really being passionate. The imagination, the spark, the creativity are there. I am simply where I am right now.
It would be nice if had energy to write a little more; maybe I'll have time for that tonight. We'll see.
Today I noticed myself buying into some petty resentments at work regarding how much a couple of people were paying attention to me. I caught myself lingering, wanting that recognition. It would have been faster for all of us if I had just walked in there, unafraid of showing my feelings, and just saying that I wanted attention, damnit, and I did not have time to wait around for it. I am disheartened by the codependence, but I'm heartened by the fact that I can at least recognize what choices I'm making in the situation, better preparing myself for the future. The shame of needing this attention is hard to bear; but I think I ought to at least try accepting that it happens and allowing it to show. I'm so afraid of my feelings tripping things up.
I am slowly realizing that all my attempts to hide my feelings - all of them - are completely futile. (This train of thought has, of course, been inspired by Radical Honesty.) Not only is this hiding a bad thing - but hiding my feelings is actually impossible. People know. And if it's not quite the simple cause and effect we normally expect (for example, I feel upset, so you feel intimidated or put off directly and consciously by my being upset), it will have a more unconscious effect (for example, I feel upset, so you feel put off in an unconscious way, making you, say, less interested in listening to me, or slightly more uncomfortable with my presence). Either way, the effects are real. I am in the stream. I cannot pretend that I can be dry. My actions are constantly having consequences. There is no secret space where they can remain apart from the world.
It's kind of overwhelming, knowing this. It makes me feel naked. But this is important shit. This is crucial for me. I cannot hide. I'll say it again: I cannot hide.
This, of course, doesn't mean that I should go around saying everything to everybody. Not everything needs to be said. But there will be times where I know I am hiding something I actually want to say, and this is where I have room to grow.
I will grow along these lines, am growing already.
With that, an early, timely sign off for the evening.
Good night, all.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Gonna Fly Now
So this morning I ran about 5 miles up hill - from my apartment to Ten Thousand Waves. It was a huge achievement - the most I've ever run and one of the greater athletic accomplishments of my life. I made arrangements such that I would have a ride if I could not complete the course. But I did. Once I made it onto Hyde Park Road, I decided that I would just continue. I took about 5 - 6 minutes worth of walking breaks in the middle - most notably for a big chunk of the steep hill at the beginning of Gonzales Road. Counting these breaks, I ran for a total of about 70 minutes. This is really something I would never imagine I could accomplish. And certainly 10k Waves was the perfect place to be afterward. I don't think I will be nearly as sore as I would be if I hadn't gone.
Interestingly, I don't feel all that elated. It felt so normal to me. I think that can be a good thing. My desire for ecstatic enthusiasm is looking more and more insane to me. I can do something good and simply feel good about it. Doesn't that make sense?
I do feel a lot about Penelope. A day and night spent together yesterday (and this morning) - things are going deeper and deeper, and I don't want the process to stop.
I want to note that so much was not done tonight, because I was simply physically tired. My only wish for myself is that I could have done a little bit more to prepare for going to bed a lot earlier. But this is okay. I am glad I can sit here and observe.
With that, to zazen and bed.
Good night, all.
Interestingly, I don't feel all that elated. It felt so normal to me. I think that can be a good thing. My desire for ecstatic enthusiasm is looking more and more insane to me. I can do something good and simply feel good about it. Doesn't that make sense?
I do feel a lot about Penelope. A day and night spent together yesterday (and this morning) - things are going deeper and deeper, and I don't want the process to stop.
I want to note that so much was not done tonight, because I was simply physically tired. My only wish for myself is that I could have done a little bit more to prepare for going to bed a lot earlier. But this is okay. I am glad I can sit here and observe.
With that, to zazen and bed.
Good night, all.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Micro Post
Radical Honesty was incredible. I am definitely going again. I have the time to write: this is what I need to be doing; none of my other projects can flourish without this.
I'm going to inventory: what enterprises am I engaged in right now?
-Dating Penelope
-Working 36 hours at the shelter
-Running 3x / week
-Beginning weight training 3x / week
-Blogging
-Zen training: 50 mins / day, plus 2 hours at the Zendo / week (might move up to 4)
-Shaman group - 3 - 6 hours / month
-Tweaking my diet / doing research
-Music: violin and accordion
It's a lot. I think I'd like to spend some time cataloguing the actual time commitment, and also tracking my finances a little bit. This is getting somewhat expensive!
More to think about.
Dream well, all.
I'm going to inventory: what enterprises am I engaged in right now?
-Dating Penelope
-Working 36 hours at the shelter
-Running 3x / week
-Beginning weight training 3x / week
-Blogging
-Zen training: 50 mins / day, plus 2 hours at the Zendo / week (might move up to 4)
-Shaman group - 3 - 6 hours / month
-Tweaking my diet / doing research
-Music: violin and accordion
It's a lot. I think I'd like to spend some time cataloguing the actual time commitment, and also tracking my finances a little bit. This is getting somewhat expensive!
More to think about.
Dream well, all.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Reef feeding
I find I have little energy for blogging - I have just spent the better part of an hour composing an e-mail to Penelope, and I feel no more urge to write. I will take this as simply an ebb in compositional energy.
But here I am, and so I'll try to make a few remarks.
One is that my daily zen practice has dramatically deepened since the sesshin. The intense practice was just what I needed to shed some serious complacency about my practice. Henry has challenged me, along with the koan practice, to see what it takes to be perfectly physically still. It's an impossibility, but he advised me that the effort is quite illuminating as to how the mind functions. Basically, his theory is that a huge portion of our sense of self is founded upon unconscious physical movement. This is most noticeable in states of anxiety, with fidgeting, twitching, anxious foot tapping and other gestures. I am guilty of a lot of that. But he says even during zazen, you might move your toe a little bit, or try to fix your posture ever so slightly, and this, too, is an affirmation of the self, no matter how you justify the movement otherwise.
In my experience, I have noticed that my eyes dart back and forth a lot. The motion of my eyes is closely linked with the succession of thoughts in my mind. I don't exactly know what this means. But it's an interesting "in" for me: if I can master this phenomenon of the eyes, it will help me master my thoughts.
When I do manage to slow my eyes, my face begins to twitch. If I still my face, my shoulders quiver. If I still my shoulders, my hips begin shaking. It's not too, too violent, but it is a strange little dance that begins on the zafu. I wonder if others have experienced this before? I don't feel it as a "need" to move or wiggle as much as as an involuntary spasm - but it's not that either. It's both conscious and unconscious. I think this means there is more to it, and I simply need to come back to it and investigate.
Strange. More on it later.
Good night.
But here I am, and so I'll try to make a few remarks.
One is that my daily zen practice has dramatically deepened since the sesshin. The intense practice was just what I needed to shed some serious complacency about my practice. Henry has challenged me, along with the koan practice, to see what it takes to be perfectly physically still. It's an impossibility, but he advised me that the effort is quite illuminating as to how the mind functions. Basically, his theory is that a huge portion of our sense of self is founded upon unconscious physical movement. This is most noticeable in states of anxiety, with fidgeting, twitching, anxious foot tapping and other gestures. I am guilty of a lot of that. But he says even during zazen, you might move your toe a little bit, or try to fix your posture ever so slightly, and this, too, is an affirmation of the self, no matter how you justify the movement otherwise.
In my experience, I have noticed that my eyes dart back and forth a lot. The motion of my eyes is closely linked with the succession of thoughts in my mind. I don't exactly know what this means. But it's an interesting "in" for me: if I can master this phenomenon of the eyes, it will help me master my thoughts.
When I do manage to slow my eyes, my face begins to twitch. If I still my face, my shoulders quiver. If I still my shoulders, my hips begin shaking. It's not too, too violent, but it is a strange little dance that begins on the zafu. I wonder if others have experienced this before? I don't feel it as a "need" to move or wiggle as much as as an involuntary spasm - but it's not that either. It's both conscious and unconscious. I think this means there is more to it, and I simply need to come back to it and investigate.
Strange. More on it later.
Good night.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Designless
I am sleepy and content with my day, so far. Hopefully it will end just as peacefully.
I had a decent day at work; no real problems. It still feels a little uneasy, for me to be there, doing what I'm doing. I feel a little lost and inadequate, still. I am doing the best I can, though: doing the best not just in my tasks but in finding ways to feel better about myself. I was able to see a pretty big success today, which is worth reminding myself.
I am off any form of a diet plan right now. This is funny, because now my co-workers are used to me being wheat-free (I've been saying gluten-free, but really it was a wheat-free diet - similar but different). I will come back to a diet, maybe in a week. For now my plan is to go through as much of my existing food as possible. My doctor gave me some information about how to form my own plan; something very helpful and much more apt to build confidence than following an oracular, decalogian list of prescriptions and proscriptions. Though, in the end, as always, I'm left with everyone around me shouting their opinions with equal confidence. Yes, I am to be my own guide, but I don't have time to investigate everything - I just need to do what I can and trust the collections of advice that make the most sense. I do have a very good intuition about these types of things - I can tell almost instantly if a system of thought is decently consistent, conscientious and thorough. Tim's system rings a little hollow for me. There is a lot of good research and good intentions, but there are a lot of what I consider to be reckless views about how you should treat your body, and the whole thing is rushed. But no more about that.
I have my days stuffed with activities: tomorrow zazen; Thursday Radical Honesty; Friday Smokin' Bachi board meeting; Saturday Applebee's Charity Breakfast in the morning, and in the afternoon I go to ABQ to see Penelope. Sunday is free, then, though I will probably want to go for a run and do some cleaning or something like that.
I am left feeling that maybe I want to have more to talk about; but I am tired, it is late, and, in the end, there is nothing wrong with rolling around these simple thoughts about mundane things.
Good night, all.
I had a decent day at work; no real problems. It still feels a little uneasy, for me to be there, doing what I'm doing. I feel a little lost and inadequate, still. I am doing the best I can, though: doing the best not just in my tasks but in finding ways to feel better about myself. I was able to see a pretty big success today, which is worth reminding myself.
I am off any form of a diet plan right now. This is funny, because now my co-workers are used to me being wheat-free (I've been saying gluten-free, but really it was a wheat-free diet - similar but different). I will come back to a diet, maybe in a week. For now my plan is to go through as much of my existing food as possible. My doctor gave me some information about how to form my own plan; something very helpful and much more apt to build confidence than following an oracular, decalogian list of prescriptions and proscriptions. Though, in the end, as always, I'm left with everyone around me shouting their opinions with equal confidence. Yes, I am to be my own guide, but I don't have time to investigate everything - I just need to do what I can and trust the collections of advice that make the most sense. I do have a very good intuition about these types of things - I can tell almost instantly if a system of thought is decently consistent, conscientious and thorough. Tim's system rings a little hollow for me. There is a lot of good research and good intentions, but there are a lot of what I consider to be reckless views about how you should treat your body, and the whole thing is rushed. But no more about that.
I have my days stuffed with activities: tomorrow zazen; Thursday Radical Honesty; Friday Smokin' Bachi board meeting; Saturday Applebee's Charity Breakfast in the morning, and in the afternoon I go to ABQ to see Penelope. Sunday is free, then, though I will probably want to go for a run and do some cleaning or something like that.
I am left feeling that maybe I want to have more to talk about; but I am tired, it is late, and, in the end, there is nothing wrong with rolling around these simple thoughts about mundane things.
Good night, all.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Restless
I one day after Sesshin, and I am back to wasting time. My little self goes crazy when it has free time, as if doing anything, planning anything was an imposition, and I just want the freedom to be completely useless, indulgent, physically awake but asleep on so many levels. I am never entirely restful, of course, because I know I can do better.
I won't take it too personally, though: this is the way of thinking mind, I'm taught. As long as I am acting from thinking mind, it will insist on asserting itself, again and again. It is my job to do my best with what perspective I am able to have; bringing myself back to center over and over again, as I slip away from it ten million times a day.
I guess there is such a thing as being happy with one's self, being balanced and settled into things, and I don't have to have such a dire perspective. I am making good progress in my life in little things; for this I can be happy.
One thing I noticed in Sesshin is how much my mind actively seeks to find problems in things. This is a big thing for everyone, but it is very marked in my personality. I can find a problem with something like a pig after a truffle. If there is a crack, a dent, a flaw, I will rush to it as fast as possible and kind of sit there and be uneasy about it. I guess I could start by not having a problem with this tendency of mine.
Sesshin was helpful, after all.
With that, off to bed, a little later than hoped. An hour later.
Good night, all.
I won't take it too personally, though: this is the way of thinking mind, I'm taught. As long as I am acting from thinking mind, it will insist on asserting itself, again and again. It is my job to do my best with what perspective I am able to have; bringing myself back to center over and over again, as I slip away from it ten million times a day.
I guess there is such a thing as being happy with one's self, being balanced and settled into things, and I don't have to have such a dire perspective. I am making good progress in my life in little things; for this I can be happy.
One thing I noticed in Sesshin is how much my mind actively seeks to find problems in things. This is a big thing for everyone, but it is very marked in my personality. I can find a problem with something like a pig after a truffle. If there is a crack, a dent, a flaw, I will rush to it as fast as possible and kind of sit there and be uneasy about it. I guess I could start by not having a problem with this tendency of mine.
Sesshin was helpful, after all.
With that, off to bed, a little later than hoped. An hour later.
Good night, all.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Crickets, chirping, rusty hinges, sound of no rain
I am observing my sense of readiness and anxiety the night before the sesshin.
I've got all my belongings ready; you don't need much anyway. I'll be bringing my own zafu, though I need to remember to find a dark-colored pillow case to put around it, so it doesn't stand out too much visually in the zendo (it being a light denim color; the rest of the zendo fixtures being black or dark brown). There might be other things I might need - but I'll be fine. I'm not going to continue with most of my diet stuff, though I think I'll bring the Cod Liver Oil and Calcium/Magnesium/Potassium tablets I've been taking - they do seem to help my general sense of well-being.
No gossip here, just reporting of my feelings: I was transfixed by an e-mail I got today; this encounter I am having with this person is really getting to me in a good way. What a long time it will be, waiting 10 days to see her again. It will be a good exercise for the sesshin, having that feeling of anticipation. I am kind of chomping at the bit with this relationship, too, so that makes it extra helpful. It might be because we are taking things slow, but my level of excitement is way, way higher than it has been in the past. In fact, I'm sure taking things slow has definitely ensured that. I am bubbling and sizzling and popping inside. It's great. Man, what weird, wonderful timing, plunging into zen right now. How am I going to feel, coming out of it?
Only one way to find out.
Have a good rest of week, all.
I've got all my belongings ready; you don't need much anyway. I'll be bringing my own zafu, though I need to remember to find a dark-colored pillow case to put around it, so it doesn't stand out too much visually in the zendo (it being a light denim color; the rest of the zendo fixtures being black or dark brown). There might be other things I might need - but I'll be fine. I'm not going to continue with most of my diet stuff, though I think I'll bring the Cod Liver Oil and Calcium/Magnesium/Potassium tablets I've been taking - they do seem to help my general sense of well-being.
No gossip here, just reporting of my feelings: I was transfixed by an e-mail I got today; this encounter I am having with this person is really getting to me in a good way. What a long time it will be, waiting 10 days to see her again. It will be a good exercise for the sesshin, having that feeling of anticipation. I am kind of chomping at the bit with this relationship, too, so that makes it extra helpful. It might be because we are taking things slow, but my level of excitement is way, way higher than it has been in the past. In fact, I'm sure taking things slow has definitely ensured that. I am bubbling and sizzling and popping inside. It's great. Man, what weird, wonderful timing, plunging into zen right now. How am I going to feel, coming out of it?
Only one way to find out.
Have a good rest of week, all.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Chain of Topics
Why must I set myself up for blogging tasks I cannot fulfill?
Of course I'm not going to talk about video games / relaxation stuff this evening. I just had an epic massage - it lasted a little under 2 hours; and I am going to bed very, very soon.
I am getting primed and ready for my sesshin on Wednesday night. I felt strange anxiety last night, when Henry began posting e-mails about it. I have my daily schedule for the whole retreat. I'm so curious, how this is going to go. Koans and everything. 8 - 9 hours of zazen every day. It seems like a lot, but I believe I can make it.
The madness of having too much to do continues; I am afraid of the cuts I am going to have to make at some point. I'm planning on skipping Wednesday zazen next week in order to give myself a night off. I have something else going on every other day, counting Tuesday where what is going on is that I'm working late.
One, deep, important thing to mark down: how my feelings about my relationship, how I look at something to rely on, really involves a deeper principle about self-esteem, about trust in the world. Of course relationships are workshops for experiencing trust. I must remember that being in this situation, I am given an opportunity to expand trust in myself and in other people. I would like to get into this more in the future.
For now, bed.
Good night, all.
Of course I'm not going to talk about video games / relaxation stuff this evening. I just had an epic massage - it lasted a little under 2 hours; and I am going to bed very, very soon.
I am getting primed and ready for my sesshin on Wednesday night. I felt strange anxiety last night, when Henry began posting e-mails about it. I have my daily schedule for the whole retreat. I'm so curious, how this is going to go. Koans and everything. 8 - 9 hours of zazen every day. It seems like a lot, but I believe I can make it.
The madness of having too much to do continues; I am afraid of the cuts I am going to have to make at some point. I'm planning on skipping Wednesday zazen next week in order to give myself a night off. I have something else going on every other day, counting Tuesday where what is going on is that I'm working late.
One, deep, important thing to mark down: how my feelings about my relationship, how I look at something to rely on, really involves a deeper principle about self-esteem, about trust in the world. Of course relationships are workshops for experiencing trust. I must remember that being in this situation, I am given an opportunity to expand trust in myself and in other people. I would like to get into this more in the future.
For now, bed.
Good night, all.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Tidal
I feel a tremendous need to relax tonight. Yesterday was another legendary day; today I was occupied with figuring out what to do with myself. What is the nature of my life. I did not sit or ponder or brainstorm or journal. It was more of a subtle undertow, setting everything slightly off balance. It was something my mind was confused about. Do I relax or act? Relax.
One huge thing is that I no longer feel a need to be so strict with my diet. I feel uncomfortable pigging out like I used to; I am now armed with much better perspective on what foods I want and how I want to eat. But I think, if I want to continue with the Four Hour Body's Slow Carb diet, I would need to start again, with more careful planning. Certainly with measurement as an added factor; this was a big omission on my part this time around. Tim Ferriss says measurement is necessary for any of these plans to work. I think that makes sense, now.
I guess I have gained certain momentum in that area, feeling so satisfied with other things, for once. I am happy with the way things are going and, again, I want to gush and gush and gush. But I feel tugs in all kinds of different directions, different issues and crises and problems of being a Self and running my life. One of those issues the is the issue of private/sacred versus public/honest. I am feeling a tug in the direction of privacy/sacredness.
I will say this: things are going wonderfully with my new relationship. I am really happy, and I think I've found a priceless individual. My life is richer and full of magic - but I can't envision any of that transferring here to this blog. Ask me more about her, and I'd love to talk. I just don't feel like it's appropriate to post about her or any other love interest anymore.
I'm sorry, but it might mean that this blog gets more and more boring. It's going to focus on little projects like dieting and exercise. There's more to it than that; I can go deep and work on all the deep issues I need to. I just don't want this to be so much gossip anymore. That's all.
I have much, much to think about in terms of how to live my life, as I began mentioning above. This is a worthy project that warrants going very deep.
I want to get a grip on how I spend my time relaxing, and what that means. That is, the struggle between resting, working and then doing a certain set of activities I consider "unproductive": video games, youtube, pointless web surfing, etc. This will have to be my subject tomorrow, though, as I get ready to fall asleep.
Good night, all.
One huge thing is that I no longer feel a need to be so strict with my diet. I feel uncomfortable pigging out like I used to; I am now armed with much better perspective on what foods I want and how I want to eat. But I think, if I want to continue with the Four Hour Body's Slow Carb diet, I would need to start again, with more careful planning. Certainly with measurement as an added factor; this was a big omission on my part this time around. Tim Ferriss says measurement is necessary for any of these plans to work. I think that makes sense, now.
I guess I have gained certain momentum in that area, feeling so satisfied with other things, for once. I am happy with the way things are going and, again, I want to gush and gush and gush. But I feel tugs in all kinds of different directions, different issues and crises and problems of being a Self and running my life. One of those issues the is the issue of private/sacred versus public/honest. I am feeling a tug in the direction of privacy/sacredness.
I will say this: things are going wonderfully with my new relationship. I am really happy, and I think I've found a priceless individual. My life is richer and full of magic - but I can't envision any of that transferring here to this blog. Ask me more about her, and I'd love to talk. I just don't feel like it's appropriate to post about her or any other love interest anymore.
I'm sorry, but it might mean that this blog gets more and more boring. It's going to focus on little projects like dieting and exercise. There's more to it than that; I can go deep and work on all the deep issues I need to. I just don't want this to be so much gossip anymore. That's all.
I have much, much to think about in terms of how to live my life, as I began mentioning above. This is a worthy project that warrants going very deep.
I want to get a grip on how I spend my time relaxing, and what that means. That is, the struggle between resting, working and then doing a certain set of activities I consider "unproductive": video games, youtube, pointless web surfing, etc. This will have to be my subject tomorrow, though, as I get ready to fall asleep.
Good night, all.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Sleep Denied
Another night I wanted to go to bed early; another night restlessly spent trying to relax. What a contradiction. The wheels spinning; none of the gears attached. I might not have gotten anything done tonight, but I could at least have slept. I look at that as expendable, I guess. But to sleep I will go now.
Today was a lovely day, in many ways. Abby and I went out to the Galisteo Basin Preserve. I had never been there before. And I guess I have not been out hiking in a while, or maybe it really is someplace extraordinary, but I was really impressed with it. I got sucked in by the beauty. No rivers or dramatic cliffs or geysirs to speak of; just normal New Mexican landscape, with junipers and arroyos and chamisa. But it all came together for me. Nice.
I'm going to have a good tomorrow.
Good night, all.
Today was a lovely day, in many ways. Abby and I went out to the Galisteo Basin Preserve. I had never been there before. And I guess I have not been out hiking in a while, or maybe it really is someplace extraordinary, but I was really impressed with it. I got sucked in by the beauty. No rivers or dramatic cliffs or geysirs to speak of; just normal New Mexican landscape, with junipers and arroyos and chamisa. But it all came together for me. Nice.
I'm going to have a good tomorrow.
Good night, all.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Plans, dreams, concerns
Today went really well at work. Important note to myself: once Andrea rearranged the toiletries my office, I felt so much better about everything. Coincidence? Maybe. More like a feng shui-ncidence. I need to remember to focus on these things a little better. It's not like I don't care, but I have not made it a priority. Clean office is now a priority.
Of course, priorities get trumped by all the varying levels of emergencies that fill my working life, taking up 95% of the time. But I am not concerned: I am making a conscious effort to get all of this organized and do a better job, and it is working.
I want to note here how wonderful the place is, despite its numerous flaws - because of its numerous flaws. What great lessons for me; hopefully I have given it something of value by now. El Refugio Santa Isabel - te amo.
Plans for Saturday are set; I am just as excited as last week. We're meeting in Bernalillo then driving into Albuquerque together, first to the river, then to the movie, then dinner afterward. Hooray for that. I can't wait.
Also, I'm going to try to indulge a little more this Friday. My diet cheat days have been too weak. I need to plan something really good. Ice cream for breakfast? On the table. Maybe some good pizza, but I don't want to spend too much. Hmm... Okay. Here's my plan. I have a healthy, protein rich first breakfast: carrot juice, two eggs, soy protein shake, sprouts. Then I go to the farmer's market and get a bunch of healthy wonders for the rest of the week. Then I go to Flying Star and have an eclair. Then I go to the design center, and decide between Pizza Centro, Cleopatra's and Yin Yang for an early lunch (~11:00 AM) full of carbohydrates, starch and possibly dairy. Perfect. And I will have a good 7 hours to digest before my lovely dinner in Albuquerque.
Sounds like a plan.
Time for bed, though: tomorrow's friday, my 7am work day.
Sweet dreams, all.
Of course, priorities get trumped by all the varying levels of emergencies that fill my working life, taking up 95% of the time. But I am not concerned: I am making a conscious effort to get all of this organized and do a better job, and it is working.
I want to note here how wonderful the place is, despite its numerous flaws - because of its numerous flaws. What great lessons for me; hopefully I have given it something of value by now. El Refugio Santa Isabel - te amo.
Plans for Saturday are set; I am just as excited as last week. We're meeting in Bernalillo then driving into Albuquerque together, first to the river, then to the movie, then dinner afterward. Hooray for that. I can't wait.
Also, I'm going to try to indulge a little more this Friday. My diet cheat days have been too weak. I need to plan something really good. Ice cream for breakfast? On the table. Maybe some good pizza, but I don't want to spend too much. Hmm... Okay. Here's my plan. I have a healthy, protein rich first breakfast: carrot juice, two eggs, soy protein shake, sprouts. Then I go to the farmer's market and get a bunch of healthy wonders for the rest of the week. Then I go to Flying Star and have an eclair. Then I go to the design center, and decide between Pizza Centro, Cleopatra's and Yin Yang for an early lunch (~11:00 AM) full of carbohydrates, starch and possibly dairy. Perfect. And I will have a good 7 hours to digest before my lovely dinner in Albuquerque.
Sounds like a plan.
Time for bed, though: tomorrow's friday, my 7am work day.
Sweet dreams, all.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Many things; probably unified in some way
Note from yesterday: I forgot, Penelope has, in fact, eaten Vietnamese food, but she says she doesn't remember it very well. So it won't be the very first time, but it's still strange to her. You get the idea. But that's what we're doing this weekend. I'm going down to Albuquerque, where we go to Que Huong, see True Grit and spend some time outside, maybe walking along the Big River.
Side note, extra self-indulgent: the first time I had Vietnamese food was at a restaurant in Oshkosh, WI, which has become a big deal at the shelter, because of a strange, gigantic Catholic shelter called Father Carr's Place 2B that many people are talking about. I kind of liked going to Oshkosh back in the day; it's a nice little town. I have good memories of the aviation museum and of the town in general. It's about twice the size of Santa Fe. Far fewer homeless people, though, which keeps the enormous structure relatively empty.
I am getting psyched about the Sesshin next week. I finally met Henry, the teacher of the group I've been sticking around. My first impression is that he is very enthusiastic and energetic. He's excited about what he's doing and very excited to meet people who want to do the same. He gave a dharma talk, discussing the virtues of Zen. Such talks are almost always extremely helpful and extremely meaningless. I enjoyed it, but I found myself getting sleepy towards the end. After another sitting period I was called back to dokusan, which is a one-on-one interview with the teacher in a private chamber. (For those interested in zen geekdom: Dokusan is originally a Rinzai practice; this group follows the Sanbo Kyodan lineage, which borrows from both Soto - the school I was originally trained in - and Rinzai). You bow and then sit in front of the teacher, and the two of you talk. The way it worked, we both looked at each other square in the eyes the whole time. That is an interesting way to talk to someone. It was an intense, guru-like experience, similar to a big job interview or, really, like a first date. I won't list the details, but we basically talked about how I have been practicing Zen and how I plan to continue. I told him my practice is shikan taza - just sitting - and he said he would be happy to offer me space and support for this practice, but his specialty is in Koan practice (the "what is the sound of one hand clapping" thing). My opinion of koan practice is this: it would be very good for me, and I am, in fact, excited to try it, even for many years, but it is not ultimately my path, and I will go back to only shikan taza eventually. Of course, they are not contradictory; you can practice them at the same time. But I would be refocusing on shikan taza.
Henry told me he judges me fit to do the sesshin, and the best time to start my koan practice would be during the training period. So begin with koans I will. Wish me luck. Clap for me with one hand.
There is more going on in my life. Much, much more. My productivity at work / my feelings about my job are slowly growing into an "issue" - a thing to think about and consider and let change me. Also, my shaman circle was excellent last Monday; it reached a real strong emotional place. I experimented with a new way to journey, and it was chaotic but satisfying. Directly helpful for everything: I shut off my thinking mind and let go. It wasn't a perfect, majestic leap, but it was at least a hop in the right direction.
I am looking at going to bed at a reasonable time. I'm pleased. I feel no need to drain myself by scouring the internet for meaning tonight. This is a good thing. I'm going to brush my teeth, sit zazen again - I feel the need to, even after doing it this evening - then read some Rumi until I pass out happily.
Good night, all.
Side note, extra self-indulgent: the first time I had Vietnamese food was at a restaurant in Oshkosh, WI, which has become a big deal at the shelter, because of a strange, gigantic Catholic shelter called Father Carr's Place 2B that many people are talking about. I kind of liked going to Oshkosh back in the day; it's a nice little town. I have good memories of the aviation museum and of the town in general. It's about twice the size of Santa Fe. Far fewer homeless people, though, which keeps the enormous structure relatively empty.
I am getting psyched about the Sesshin next week. I finally met Henry, the teacher of the group I've been sticking around. My first impression is that he is very enthusiastic and energetic. He's excited about what he's doing and very excited to meet people who want to do the same. He gave a dharma talk, discussing the virtues of Zen. Such talks are almost always extremely helpful and extremely meaningless. I enjoyed it, but I found myself getting sleepy towards the end. After another sitting period I was called back to dokusan, which is a one-on-one interview with the teacher in a private chamber. (For those interested in zen geekdom: Dokusan is originally a Rinzai practice; this group follows the Sanbo Kyodan lineage, which borrows from both Soto - the school I was originally trained in - and Rinzai). You bow and then sit in front of the teacher, and the two of you talk. The way it worked, we both looked at each other square in the eyes the whole time. That is an interesting way to talk to someone. It was an intense, guru-like experience, similar to a big job interview or, really, like a first date. I won't list the details, but we basically talked about how I have been practicing Zen and how I plan to continue. I told him my practice is shikan taza - just sitting - and he said he would be happy to offer me space and support for this practice, but his specialty is in Koan practice (the "what is the sound of one hand clapping" thing). My opinion of koan practice is this: it would be very good for me, and I am, in fact, excited to try it, even for many years, but it is not ultimately my path, and I will go back to only shikan taza eventually. Of course, they are not contradictory; you can practice them at the same time. But I would be refocusing on shikan taza.
Henry told me he judges me fit to do the sesshin, and the best time to start my koan practice would be during the training period. So begin with koans I will. Wish me luck. Clap for me with one hand.
There is more going on in my life. Much, much more. My productivity at work / my feelings about my job are slowly growing into an "issue" - a thing to think about and consider and let change me. Also, my shaman circle was excellent last Monday; it reached a real strong emotional place. I experimented with a new way to journey, and it was chaotic but satisfying. Directly helpful for everything: I shut off my thinking mind and let go. It wasn't a perfect, majestic leap, but it was at least a hop in the right direction.
I am looking at going to bed at a reasonable time. I'm pleased. I feel no need to drain myself by scouring the internet for meaning tonight. This is a good thing. I'm going to brush my teeth, sit zazen again - I feel the need to, even after doing it this evening - then read some Rumi until I pass out happily.
Good night, all.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Time not managed
Rumi says that while the thinking mind considers options, he is lost in the wind.
Anyway, I've got things happening in my life, whatever that ultimately means.
And some of those things are good.
Date with Penelope on Saturday went well. We met at my house, and then we went to Whole Foods to get some food. Then we went home and prepared it - we had salad, steamed asparagus wrapped in prosciutto, and bread with cheese and tapenade. Not the junk food fest I imagined for my diet cheat day, but really elegant and nice. That's what eating's all about, anyway.
We drove up to the Waves and had a private bath; I had reserved the women's communal tub for an hour, and it was lovely. It was very neutral, as she calls the experience of bathing. That is, not exceptionally erotic or intimidating. I felt the same way, largely distracted by the temperature extremes. Except for one single, brief moment I found extremely erotic, and which I am not describing here. Ask me in person. It was really unusual seeing someone naked on a second date, but it worked for me because, yes, bathing is kind of neutral for me, too. It's fundamentally an activity I enjoy (maybe even have a passion for), not so much a gateway to sex or anything like that. But, of course, I think we both had a good time, and it brought us closer together.
So we drove back to my place and sat in the living room, sipping red wine and eating dates and talking for hours about our families. When I told her my mom died just over 9 years ago, she said, "I'm sorry," which is normal, but then she asked me to tell her about my mom at length. Not just about her death, but everything, and how I feel about her. I thought that was the right question to ask me.
When she saw the time, she decided to go. She told me that she is dating other people in the same capacity as she's dating me, that is, she has not been physical with anyone. I stupidly made a comment about "competition." I don't know. I was just blathering. It was dumb. She told me not to worry about it; there's no real competition; what needs to start with the right person will just start. Of course that's how it is.
I was a little surprised by this discussion I shouldn't have been, but I was. I feel like I clammed up a bit. I think my lip was quivering, so I was biting it to keep it still when I wasn't talking. I don't know why I was so nervous. I told her I was fine with the situation; telling her I want to continue, see how things go. I felt a little deflated that evening and the next morning, but by the end of Sunday it was fine. I'm confident that, yes, whatever needs to happen will happen. I really like her, and I hope things work out, but I really do believe that these things are always mutual. That is, if she decides not to start a relationship with me, it will be for a good reason that will probably be clear to me in some way. I don't have to take everything so personally, if I choose not to.
That being said, date #3 is in the works. It will probably be along the lines of dinner and a movie - with context (i.e., movie we discussed together; food we discussed together). She's apparently never had Vietnamese food, and I'd like to correct this, either here or in Albuquerque.
I'm happy with how things are so far. On Saturday and Sunday, I was feeling the weight of my wondering if I am mature enough for her, but now that's over. Things are moving forward. I am more comfortable with the uncertainty that exists between us, because I am choosing not to judge myself based on the outcome. I still have a far way to go in that process, but I'm going.
There is more to be said. Always, always more to be said. But I am going to sit now.
Good night, gentle all.
Anyway, I've got things happening in my life, whatever that ultimately means.
And some of those things are good.
Date with Penelope on Saturday went well. We met at my house, and then we went to Whole Foods to get some food. Then we went home and prepared it - we had salad, steamed asparagus wrapped in prosciutto, and bread with cheese and tapenade. Not the junk food fest I imagined for my diet cheat day, but really elegant and nice. That's what eating's all about, anyway.
We drove up to the Waves and had a private bath; I had reserved the women's communal tub for an hour, and it was lovely. It was very neutral, as she calls the experience of bathing. That is, not exceptionally erotic or intimidating. I felt the same way, largely distracted by the temperature extremes. Except for one single, brief moment I found extremely erotic, and which I am not describing here. Ask me in person. It was really unusual seeing someone naked on a second date, but it worked for me because, yes, bathing is kind of neutral for me, too. It's fundamentally an activity I enjoy (maybe even have a passion for), not so much a gateway to sex or anything like that. But, of course, I think we both had a good time, and it brought us closer together.
So we drove back to my place and sat in the living room, sipping red wine and eating dates and talking for hours about our families. When I told her my mom died just over 9 years ago, she said, "I'm sorry," which is normal, but then she asked me to tell her about my mom at length. Not just about her death, but everything, and how I feel about her. I thought that was the right question to ask me.
When she saw the time, she decided to go. She told me that she is dating other people in the same capacity as she's dating me, that is, she has not been physical with anyone. I stupidly made a comment about "competition." I don't know. I was just blathering. It was dumb. She told me not to worry about it; there's no real competition; what needs to start with the right person will just start. Of course that's how it is.
I was a little surprised by this discussion I shouldn't have been, but I was. I feel like I clammed up a bit. I think my lip was quivering, so I was biting it to keep it still when I wasn't talking. I don't know why I was so nervous. I told her I was fine with the situation; telling her I want to continue, see how things go. I felt a little deflated that evening and the next morning, but by the end of Sunday it was fine. I'm confident that, yes, whatever needs to happen will happen. I really like her, and I hope things work out, but I really do believe that these things are always mutual. That is, if she decides not to start a relationship with me, it will be for a good reason that will probably be clear to me in some way. I don't have to take everything so personally, if I choose not to.
That being said, date #3 is in the works. It will probably be along the lines of dinner and a movie - with context (i.e., movie we discussed together; food we discussed together). She's apparently never had Vietnamese food, and I'd like to correct this, either here or in Albuquerque.
I'm happy with how things are so far. On Saturday and Sunday, I was feeling the weight of my wondering if I am mature enough for her, but now that's over. Things are moving forward. I am more comfortable with the uncertainty that exists between us, because I am choosing not to judge myself based on the outcome. I still have a far way to go in that process, but I'm going.
There is more to be said. Always, always more to be said. But I am going to sit now.
Good night, gentle all.
Monday, January 10, 2011
I'm still here
And I'm still blogging. Just pressed for time so much these days. I have so many projects going.
I'm going to get into my date with Penelope on Saturday and the aftermath; just not right now. It's way too late. I'm not going to get an ideal amount of sleep. Ugh.
I got back from a Shaman Meetup about an hour ago; I have spent all this time writing and deleting a posting on a forum about the 4 Hour Body diet. Basically, yesterday I wrote an article about all my questions; I expressed some frustration at how confusing the diet is. Most of the people said "You're thinking too much." Fuck that. It's sort of cultish thinking. You have to do all kinds of reading between the lines to figure out exactly what you're supposed to do, and I think that's bad writing for someone who pretends to be scientific; bad to the point of kind of corrupting the whole enterprise. I'm going to finish out the diet for the next 10 days or so; and, no, I haven't followed it to the T, maybe I'll do that later; but my brain is thinking about it and how it was put together and how I'm supposed to kind of have faith in this guy. Something feels wrong about it.
Anyway, I need to sit zazen. Ugh. It's too late. Ugh, ugh ugh. Where does all the time go? I think I need to cut some things out of my life.
Good night, all.
I'm going to get into my date with Penelope on Saturday and the aftermath; just not right now. It's way too late. I'm not going to get an ideal amount of sleep. Ugh.
I got back from a Shaman Meetup about an hour ago; I have spent all this time writing and deleting a posting on a forum about the 4 Hour Body diet. Basically, yesterday I wrote an article about all my questions; I expressed some frustration at how confusing the diet is. Most of the people said "You're thinking too much." Fuck that. It's sort of cultish thinking. You have to do all kinds of reading between the lines to figure out exactly what you're supposed to do, and I think that's bad writing for someone who pretends to be scientific; bad to the point of kind of corrupting the whole enterprise. I'm going to finish out the diet for the next 10 days or so; and, no, I haven't followed it to the T, maybe I'll do that later; but my brain is thinking about it and how it was put together and how I'm supposed to kind of have faith in this guy. Something feels wrong about it.
Anyway, I need to sit zazen. Ugh. It's too late. Ugh, ugh ugh. Where does all the time go? I think I need to cut some things out of my life.
Good night, all.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Perpendicular
Tonight I spent a half hour repairing my zafu. Some of the seams have been splitting open in one area, so I stitched it together in one line, then in another, to keep the buckwheat hulls from spilling out. I guess it's a little significant, that I have been practicing so long my zafu needs repair. It's also a sign of my shoddy sewing skills, but I won't dwell on that. It could also use more buckwheat hulls, but, sadly, I don't have any nearby.
Another busy day; I really need to spend more time thinking about how to be more efficient at my job, so it doesn't spill out so much, the way it does. Maybe this is an impossible task - "the inbox is always full." But I can at least feel more ordered, more in balance with myself.
And, with that, I have run out of thoughts for the evening. Everything about me is pulling towards tomorrow. I need to do my best to be here today, and then be there tomorrow. Today can be wonderful, exciting a love-affair of its own. And it is. And what today is, is thinking about tomorrow.
With that, to bed.
Stay tuned, all.
Another busy day; I really need to spend more time thinking about how to be more efficient at my job, so it doesn't spill out so much, the way it does. Maybe this is an impossible task - "the inbox is always full." But I can at least feel more ordered, more in balance with myself.
And, with that, I have run out of thoughts for the evening. Everything about me is pulling towards tomorrow. I need to do my best to be here today, and then be there tomorrow. Today can be wonderful, exciting a love-affair of its own. And it is. And what today is, is thinking about tomorrow.
With that, to bed.
Stay tuned, all.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Plenty to Say
This day was relatively good. There was one hitch, where I had to deal with a client who is obviously in the throes of a serious addiction and unwilling to take any responsibility for it; I went from feeling annoyed to feeling angry to simply feeling afraid of this guy. I don't think he will last at the shelter; I just hope that he makes a clean exit. We'll see.
I am trying not to spend too much time marking the hours until Saturday night. We've been making plans since yesterday; I have the tub reserved, and we're thinking about what to eat. It's my diet's off day, so I wanted to go a little overboard, but, really, I don't want to eat myself sick. Penelope suggested some light but rich food; it sounds great, it will be lovely. I've never been so excited about a date before.
I will not reproduce them here, but I am seriously impressed by the way she writes - everything she sends me is interesting to read, feels well-thought, well-composed and very musical. I want to stop now - my "too good to be true" anxiety is welling up a little bit here.
I just need to relax, find myself rooted, planted and growing exactly where I am, each moment.
I told a near-suicidal client today, and I really wanted to impress this on him, "There is no better, there is no worse, there is only yourself and what's in front of you." I don't think it really sank in, but learning that this is what I had to tell him was very insightful for me. Back a few months ago, this guy represented hopelessness to me; and I remember feeling a bit of the despair myself, looking at the abyss he looks over every day. In fact, he still feels this way. He said "I live on the edge of a cliff, and I'm blindfolded" - not an exact quote, but pretty close to one. (It reminds me of the last scene of Kurosawa's movie "Ran." For a split second, I thought of recommending that he read King Lear. This second passed quickly.) And, hearing this again, it felt good, knowing I had something to say in response. Maybe it does not solve all problems, but I'm no longer mute to this depression, this pessimism. I am sad for him, but a little more appreciative of the course of my life.
Looks like the guys really affected me today, in different ways. God bless 'em.
I think my drive to be healthier and have more energy has been very successful, and I am going to continue to focus on this area for at least a few more weeks. But now the idea is creeping into my mind of where I need most to grow next: to really, and fully live up to the "quiet mind" that people see in me. (The words of another homeless guest: "He has his own quiet mind.") I like to think it's real, but I have a long way to go, mastering my fears and anxieties. I will take steps, though. I think what people see in me is a potentially quiet mind. It will take work to actually get there.
Of course, I admire other people's quiet minds, but I can only have my own.
On a related note, I've decided to go ahead and join Mountain Cloud's January Sesshin, which begins in 13 days and lasts for 4. I need to make a reservation as soon as I can. I did not have a chance to meet Henry Shukman, who will be the assistant teacher there, on Wednesday, but I will meet him next week. I might call him this weekend (we spoke on the phone last Sunday) to make my reservation. It should be interesting. I have never done a Sesshin before - although my Zen stay back in 2009 was something approximating it. The biggest difference is that at a Sesshin there is much less free time and much more sitting. I have done 3 - 4 hours before, but I hear some Sesshin go up to 10. That's intense. I've been kind of amazed at the solid 2-hour blocks I've been doing lately. I mean, really, who sits and stares at the wall for 2 hours? The more I practice Zen, the more crazy it seems to me.
With that, I'll be going to sit my little 20-minutes myself, right here. After I compose a little message to Penelope, of course.
Good night, all.
I am trying not to spend too much time marking the hours until Saturday night. We've been making plans since yesterday; I have the tub reserved, and we're thinking about what to eat. It's my diet's off day, so I wanted to go a little overboard, but, really, I don't want to eat myself sick. Penelope suggested some light but rich food; it sounds great, it will be lovely. I've never been so excited about a date before.
I will not reproduce them here, but I am seriously impressed by the way she writes - everything she sends me is interesting to read, feels well-thought, well-composed and very musical. I want to stop now - my "too good to be true" anxiety is welling up a little bit here.
I just need to relax, find myself rooted, planted and growing exactly where I am, each moment.
I told a near-suicidal client today, and I really wanted to impress this on him, "There is no better, there is no worse, there is only yourself and what's in front of you." I don't think it really sank in, but learning that this is what I had to tell him was very insightful for me. Back a few months ago, this guy represented hopelessness to me; and I remember feeling a bit of the despair myself, looking at the abyss he looks over every day. In fact, he still feels this way. He said "I live on the edge of a cliff, and I'm blindfolded" - not an exact quote, but pretty close to one. (It reminds me of the last scene of Kurosawa's movie "Ran." For a split second, I thought of recommending that he read King Lear. This second passed quickly.) And, hearing this again, it felt good, knowing I had something to say in response. Maybe it does not solve all problems, but I'm no longer mute to this depression, this pessimism. I am sad for him, but a little more appreciative of the course of my life.
Looks like the guys really affected me today, in different ways. God bless 'em.
I think my drive to be healthier and have more energy has been very successful, and I am going to continue to focus on this area for at least a few more weeks. But now the idea is creeping into my mind of where I need most to grow next: to really, and fully live up to the "quiet mind" that people see in me. (The words of another homeless guest: "He has his own quiet mind.") I like to think it's real, but I have a long way to go, mastering my fears and anxieties. I will take steps, though. I think what people see in me is a potentially quiet mind. It will take work to actually get there.
Of course, I admire other people's quiet minds, but I can only have my own.
On a related note, I've decided to go ahead and join Mountain Cloud's January Sesshin, which begins in 13 days and lasts for 4. I need to make a reservation as soon as I can. I did not have a chance to meet Henry Shukman, who will be the assistant teacher there, on Wednesday, but I will meet him next week. I might call him this weekend (we spoke on the phone last Sunday) to make my reservation. It should be interesting. I have never done a Sesshin before - although my Zen stay back in 2009 was something approximating it. The biggest difference is that at a Sesshin there is much less free time and much more sitting. I have done 3 - 4 hours before, but I hear some Sesshin go up to 10. That's intense. I've been kind of amazed at the solid 2-hour blocks I've been doing lately. I mean, really, who sits and stares at the wall for 2 hours? The more I practice Zen, the more crazy it seems to me.
With that, I'll be going to sit my little 20-minutes myself, right here. After I compose a little message to Penelope, of course.
Good night, all.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Productivitization
I'm going to bed.
What I'm going to remark on, before I go to sleep, is how freakin' crazy it is to me, how little time I seem to have these days. It's sort of unbelievable, granted most of my life, granted the last chunk of time I spent with Alexa (Sept 09 - June 10), where I didn't seem to do ANYTHING at all. I've made a conscious effort to avoid time wasting activities - and I feel like I have less time now. I guess this is something you need to deal with when you have more energy? Actually, that puts an interesting perspective on it. With all the focus I've been putting on my health, I feel double the energy I used to, going fine on less sleep, wanting to do more things and enjoying them more.
It's a good thing to remember, especially for someone like me who tends to compartmentalize life: physical health, mental health, emotional health - they're all the same thing. There's just health.
And so I go to bed at a slightly reasonable time.
Good night, all.
What I'm going to remark on, before I go to sleep, is how freakin' crazy it is to me, how little time I seem to have these days. It's sort of unbelievable, granted most of my life, granted the last chunk of time I spent with Alexa (Sept 09 - June 10), where I didn't seem to do ANYTHING at all. I've made a conscious effort to avoid time wasting activities - and I feel like I have less time now. I guess this is something you need to deal with when you have more energy? Actually, that puts an interesting perspective on it. With all the focus I've been putting on my health, I feel double the energy I used to, going fine on less sleep, wanting to do more things and enjoying them more.
It's a good thing to remember, especially for someone like me who tends to compartmentalize life: physical health, mental health, emotional health - they're all the same thing. There's just health.
And so I go to bed at a slightly reasonable time.
Good night, all.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Balmy day, dreamy night
So, since I am tired and need to rest before I pick up the aforementioned Person #2 at the airport, I will not be writing too much. It has been a quiet day. Things of note are the following:
1. I really like the way I baked some frozen chicken thighs last night. I had them for lunch / 1st dinner today (I'm supposed to have 4 - 5 meals on my diet - something I haven't been doing). Really tasty. I just dumped some garlic powder and soy sauce on top of the frozen thighs before I put them in the oven. Easy. Also, I'm getting sick of beans - but I'm loving lentils. I think I will emphasize the lentils, making a batch of like 6 servings at a time and eating them over the next 2 - 3 days.
2. An interesting case management intake with someone who is completely insane. It went on for about an hour. He just kept going on and on in circles in this stream of consciousness discussion of medical science, authority figures and male/female identity. This is what they call "pressure of speech." It was really interesting to listen to - like mood music or an Indian raga. He would take up themes and let them play out a little bit, only for that theme to transform into another, and then reappear maybe 10 minutes later. I tried to tell him he needed therapy if he wanted a normal job. I was pretty direct, but I tried to couch it in terms he would understand. Basically, I praised him for the intensity of his ideas, but I told him it would be difficult for him to feel like other people to understand him if he did not get treatment. He listened to what I said, did not get offended, and simply said he did not need the help. That's his choice, and I must respect it.
3. I feel more comfortable with Penelope as our correspondence continues. It looks like we'll be meeting again on Saturday. I'm excited and, yes, still apprehensive about the future. I know it's normal, but it was good hearing from Abby that yes, this is a normal feeling, and I just need to be myself. As simple as that.
I am tired, and hopefully I can get some good rest. Although I will be going to bed relatively late, and I need to wake up earlyish tomorrow, the fact that I'm driving to Albuquerque is forcing me to be more relaxed than normal, which is a good thing.
So relax I will do.
Good night, all.
1. I really like the way I baked some frozen chicken thighs last night. I had them for lunch / 1st dinner today (I'm supposed to have 4 - 5 meals on my diet - something I haven't been doing). Really tasty. I just dumped some garlic powder and soy sauce on top of the frozen thighs before I put them in the oven. Easy. Also, I'm getting sick of beans - but I'm loving lentils. I think I will emphasize the lentils, making a batch of like 6 servings at a time and eating them over the next 2 - 3 days.
2. An interesting case management intake with someone who is completely insane. It went on for about an hour. He just kept going on and on in circles in this stream of consciousness discussion of medical science, authority figures and male/female identity. This is what they call "pressure of speech." It was really interesting to listen to - like mood music or an Indian raga. He would take up themes and let them play out a little bit, only for that theme to transform into another, and then reappear maybe 10 minutes later. I tried to tell him he needed therapy if he wanted a normal job. I was pretty direct, but I tried to couch it in terms he would understand. Basically, I praised him for the intensity of his ideas, but I told him it would be difficult for him to feel like other people to understand him if he did not get treatment. He listened to what I said, did not get offended, and simply said he did not need the help. That's his choice, and I must respect it.
3. I feel more comfortable with Penelope as our correspondence continues. It looks like we'll be meeting again on Saturday. I'm excited and, yes, still apprehensive about the future. I know it's normal, but it was good hearing from Abby that yes, this is a normal feeling, and I just need to be myself. As simple as that.
I am tired, and hopefully I can get some good rest. Although I will be going to bed relatively late, and I need to wake up earlyish tomorrow, the fact that I'm driving to Albuquerque is forcing me to be more relaxed than normal, which is a good thing.
So relax I will do.
Good night, all.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Cold plunge
So "Penelope" sent me an e-mail this morning, and if I could do backflips, I seriously would have done a backflip. She suggested that we go to 10,000 Waves for our second date. Seriously? Not only do I love to bathe - I find this incredibly bold, in a good way. As if to imply that she is on the same page with me as to what meeting people should be like (naked, in water, obviously); loves this sort of activity as much as I do; and, most of all, is interested in me enough to want to spend time with me in such an intimate setting. I was ecstatic then; unfortunately, I could not remain ecstatic all day, since I had a lot of grueling work to do today; but I am ecstatic again right now.
I have a really good feeling about her. Really.
Ok, the glaring issue here. I'm just going to lay it out. I am aware of it. It goes like this: Alexa --> Person #2 --> Penelope. Where's all the space in between, for self development? Hmm? I can't really say. The first big thing here is that I have not dated nor will I date Person #2. So that's a big difference. In terms of actual dating, it would go Alexa --> Six months --> Penelope. But, of course, emotional attachment is really what counts. So what can I say?
I'm not sure. I'm not sure how it will all affect me. If I'm not ready, I'm not ready. The question is: can I all of a sudden be ready? I could be. I'm not sure. But Penelope is here, and she's interested in me, and she wants to take things slowly, and she wants to do things independently and not glob on to each other. That sounds about right to me. I know, at least, that I am interested in her. In fact, I am quite impressed and pleased with the notion that she exists; that she is who she is. I didn't know I could find someone like her.
I've been using every moment possible to grow in the past 6 months; it's been tremendous. I cannot end my attraction or interest in someone overnight, but I did mean it when I decided to end my beef with Person #2 two weeks ago. As far as I am concerned, she is a friend and colleague. The emotions are real, but the difference is that I was actively feeding into them before, and I am not now. I believe this kind of conscious decision can make monumental change happen in a fundamental way, no matter how slowly the change might take to come into effect.
I've got a lot of work to do with my life with Alexa, too. Nothing ever really stops. I hold on to these emotional connections; it's what I do.
I'm not going to stop growing, this time. That was one of the mistakes I made with Alexa - I got complacent. From now on, I am going to fight against my tendency to get complacent; I'm going to make the effort to maintain honesty at all costs. This was my New Year's resolution, to be radically honest, and I feel charged and ready for the task.
And I feel strongly that Penelope can give me the space to simultaneously be with her and work on these tasks. This is one of the things that seems so exceptional with her.
Great. All these emotional things. Now, if I could only be confident in stupider things, like my skill as a lover and the attractiveness of my body, I'd be set and ready for all this.
Just kidding (sort of).
Good night, all.
I have a really good feeling about her. Really.
Ok, the glaring issue here. I'm just going to lay it out. I am aware of it. It goes like this: Alexa --> Person #2 --> Penelope. Where's all the space in between, for self development? Hmm? I can't really say. The first big thing here is that I have not dated nor will I date Person #2. So that's a big difference. In terms of actual dating, it would go Alexa --> Six months --> Penelope. But, of course, emotional attachment is really what counts. So what can I say?
I'm not sure. I'm not sure how it will all affect me. If I'm not ready, I'm not ready. The question is: can I all of a sudden be ready? I could be. I'm not sure. But Penelope is here, and she's interested in me, and she wants to take things slowly, and she wants to do things independently and not glob on to each other. That sounds about right to me. I know, at least, that I am interested in her. In fact, I am quite impressed and pleased with the notion that she exists; that she is who she is. I didn't know I could find someone like her.
I've been using every moment possible to grow in the past 6 months; it's been tremendous. I cannot end my attraction or interest in someone overnight, but I did mean it when I decided to end my beef with Person #2 two weeks ago. As far as I am concerned, she is a friend and colleague. The emotions are real, but the difference is that I was actively feeding into them before, and I am not now. I believe this kind of conscious decision can make monumental change happen in a fundamental way, no matter how slowly the change might take to come into effect.
I've got a lot of work to do with my life with Alexa, too. Nothing ever really stops. I hold on to these emotional connections; it's what I do.
I'm not going to stop growing, this time. That was one of the mistakes I made with Alexa - I got complacent. From now on, I am going to fight against my tendency to get complacent; I'm going to make the effort to maintain honesty at all costs. This was my New Year's resolution, to be radically honest, and I feel charged and ready for the task.
And I feel strongly that Penelope can give me the space to simultaneously be with her and work on these tasks. This is one of the things that seems so exceptional with her.
Great. All these emotional things. Now, if I could only be confident in stupider things, like my skill as a lover and the attractiveness of my body, I'd be set and ready for all this.
Just kidding (sort of).
Good night, all.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
The next day
So as a note, I want to mention that, if you haven't noticed, I am now anonymous on this blog. I have also changed the names of my okcupid connections.
Events of the day of the solstice prompted me to change gears on the blog, and I've been thinking about it ever since. What I have decided to do for the moment is anonymize a few things; creating a tier of information. If you are in my inner circle, you will naturally know who I am and who I am talking about. If you are a facebook friend, you will know who I am. If you found this site on google, you will not know anyone.
I'm not going to anonymize all names - just when it feels appropriate. I think it's appropriate when I'm talking about people I'm dating whom neither I nor my friends know very well. Hence changing the names of okcupid people. More casual stuff I'm not going to worry about too much. That will be it for now; we'll see how it goes. Any suggestions or criticisms are more than welcome.
---
So, today. Today I spent the morning drinking in the feelings after my date with "Penelope." I feel good; I feel things have been going great. What was not entirely expected is the anxiety I feel. I would categorize this feeling as "Oh shit, something good could come of this, I hope neither I nor circumstances I can't control mess this up." It's been ebbing and flowing all day long. I've decided it's normal; it's appropriate; it shows I care; it shows I'm feeling something real, here. But I'm afraid of this feeling, in turn, making me feel too worried and, in turn, screwing things up. Which is not likely, but the possibility is there, and I am responsible for my feelings; feelings have consequences.
It's also a little insane, and a little co-dependent, and I want to be rid of that. However, it's going to take some work.
[Takes a break to get some food - I haven't eaten nearly enough today. This is a problem I've had with my diet I need to work on. But thank god for all the harðfiskur I have left over from Iceland.]
I need to focus on my needs and what it will take for me to feel full. I'm pretty sure it's possible. When I say things like that, I get concerned that I am talking about some narcissistic, "I am an island" way of thinking. That can be a problem, but it's not necessarily my biggest problem. I think I can get seduced into that line of thought a little bit, but if I acknowledge that I do, indeed, have a need for intimacy, for friendship in general, for close friendships with everyone, and for close, sexual intimacy with a woman; if I remember that this is real work I need to do, and I am not derailing myself by doing so, then being by myself is okay, since it is part of the full context of my life. And I can always benefit from any step that takes me away from co-dependent type behavior (which we all have, by the way), of course.
So, yes, anxiety over Penelope. I'll limit gushing to two sentences. She seems to very much approximate the exact type of woman I'm after (see the earlier blog post). She's beautiful.
I'm pretty certain she's interested, too. But, of course, one can never be too sure. Especially since there are some glaring differences in our life situations, but I feel like we hit it off really well and these won't matter. If she decides not to continue, I don't think I will feel resentful - first and foremost, because I don't want to be resentful of anybody like that anymore, but, secondly, it will be easier because she's very civil and communicative about everything. I might get a little deflated. What would I do? I think I would cancel my okcupid account - this will be the end of it - and just focus on myself more intensely. I hope to do that anyway, but this would be double-time, or something like that. However, in addition to really liking this woman, I really do feel I need the growth that comes from intimacy, so I would be missing her company.
But that's the future, which is yet to be and is not yet.
Right now I am waiting for her response to my latest e-mail. She will most likely respond tomorrow, which was the pace of our last correspondence.
In the meantime, I trust I can continue to grow.
More to come over the next days, weeks, months.
Good night, all.
Events of the day of the solstice prompted me to change gears on the blog, and I've been thinking about it ever since. What I have decided to do for the moment is anonymize a few things; creating a tier of information. If you are in my inner circle, you will naturally know who I am and who I am talking about. If you are a facebook friend, you will know who I am. If you found this site on google, you will not know anyone.
I'm not going to anonymize all names - just when it feels appropriate. I think it's appropriate when I'm talking about people I'm dating whom neither I nor my friends know very well. Hence changing the names of okcupid people. More casual stuff I'm not going to worry about too much. That will be it for now; we'll see how it goes. Any suggestions or criticisms are more than welcome.
---
So, today. Today I spent the morning drinking in the feelings after my date with "Penelope." I feel good; I feel things have been going great. What was not entirely expected is the anxiety I feel. I would categorize this feeling as "Oh shit, something good could come of this, I hope neither I nor circumstances I can't control mess this up." It's been ebbing and flowing all day long. I've decided it's normal; it's appropriate; it shows I care; it shows I'm feeling something real, here. But I'm afraid of this feeling, in turn, making me feel too worried and, in turn, screwing things up. Which is not likely, but the possibility is there, and I am responsible for my feelings; feelings have consequences.
It's also a little insane, and a little co-dependent, and I want to be rid of that. However, it's going to take some work.
[Takes a break to get some food - I haven't eaten nearly enough today. This is a problem I've had with my diet I need to work on. But thank god for all the harðfiskur I have left over from Iceland.]
I need to focus on my needs and what it will take for me to feel full. I'm pretty sure it's possible. When I say things like that, I get concerned that I am talking about some narcissistic, "I am an island" way of thinking. That can be a problem, but it's not necessarily my biggest problem. I think I can get seduced into that line of thought a little bit, but if I acknowledge that I do, indeed, have a need for intimacy, for friendship in general, for close friendships with everyone, and for close, sexual intimacy with a woman; if I remember that this is real work I need to do, and I am not derailing myself by doing so, then being by myself is okay, since it is part of the full context of my life. And I can always benefit from any step that takes me away from co-dependent type behavior (which we all have, by the way), of course.
So, yes, anxiety over Penelope. I'll limit gushing to two sentences. She seems to very much approximate the exact type of woman I'm after (see the earlier blog post). She's beautiful.
I'm pretty certain she's interested, too. But, of course, one can never be too sure. Especially since there are some glaring differences in our life situations, but I feel like we hit it off really well and these won't matter. If she decides not to continue, I don't think I will feel resentful - first and foremost, because I don't want to be resentful of anybody like that anymore, but, secondly, it will be easier because she's very civil and communicative about everything. I might get a little deflated. What would I do? I think I would cancel my okcupid account - this will be the end of it - and just focus on myself more intensely. I hope to do that anyway, but this would be double-time, or something like that. However, in addition to really liking this woman, I really do feel I need the growth that comes from intimacy, so I would be missing her company.
But that's the future, which is yet to be and is not yet.
Right now I am waiting for her response to my latest e-mail. She will most likely respond tomorrow, which was the pace of our last correspondence.
In the meantime, I trust I can continue to grow.
More to come over the next days, weeks, months.
Good night, all.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
This day
This day . . . if you saw my facebook status, I called it a bumper crop. I am still drinking it all in, as the clock is about to strike midnight.
Before I talk about today, I'm going to briefly mention yesterday: I went to Mountain Cloud for the evening sitting. It was nice. There was a potluck, and it was good, because I got to meet a few more of the regulars over there. I'm beginning to get the sense that people actually practice there. Chris's wife Susan led the sitting; I really like her. She is gentle and friendly. Though it is a little frustrating that I am probably less than half the age of the youngest person there, it is still good to be around such kind, open people. I will not be going tomorrow morning; I'm dedicating tomorrow to myself. But I will be visiting again next Wednesday. Hopefully the Wednesday group's teacher, Henry, will be there, so I can decide if it would be a good idea for me to join the Sesshin in 2.5 weeks. We'll see.
I had a late dinner, then slank into bed with my laptop and looked at failblog.org until I passed out. I woke up just before midnight and put my hands in a little prayer position, without really planning it or thinking why, thought really, really hard about how the calendar was changing from one year to the next, straining those facial muscles, then went to sleep.
So today. So today I drove to Albuquerque for 3 things: two meeting with okcupid connections, and, sandwiched in between, a sweatlodge (Temazcal) ceremony with the healing arts group Calpulli Teocalli Ollin, down in Los Lunas.
Today was magic.
I feel a little bit awkward about how I ended up having two dates on the same day. It was not a great idea. Looking back on it, I don't think it was that bad, but I will definitely try to avoid it in the future. I did try to avoid it, but this ended up being the schedule that worked. So it goes.
How did it all go? I know, I'm setting you all up for something, but I actually don't feel all that ready to talk about the details. I actually am feeling it would be inappropriate. Of course I've been thinking about what's appropriate for this blog and what's not in the past two weeks or so; and I need to feel my way through this a little more. As I maybe stated earlier, there are arguments on both sides: the need to be respectful of other people, even though they have entered my life and are therefore part of my experience; versus: the need to be honest about my experience, which includes the actions and words of other people. I am undecided at this point. I want to be unrelentingly honest; that is my goal; but I don't want this to be a gossip column, which it borders on in some entries.
What will I say, though?
I feel great. I feel light. I feel alive. I feel rich with experience and connections. I am grateful for what I am feeling now; I am a little anxious about how things will turn out in the future, i.e., what to expect. This is a good situation to be aware of when sitting down to zazen, which I will be getting to in a moment.
I will say: it's been a long, long time since I have needed to ground myself from positive expectations like this, that is, if there ever was a time. This is a big change for me, people.
(In case anyone is thinking about this, I want to make it clear that I don't think positive feelings are bad, just positive expectations - that is, unchecked hopefulness, fantasizing about this, planning that. This is about making the distinction between feeling what I'm feeling right now, sitting with it and letting it happen; between this and seeing eggs and immediately counting chickens.)
As always, if you want details (I am in a mood to gush) please contact me in real life. More ought to follow.
As for the Temazcal, I might write more tomorrow. I'm kinda tired right now and need to get to sitting before I pass out.
Good night and good new year.
Before I talk about today, I'm going to briefly mention yesterday: I went to Mountain Cloud for the evening sitting. It was nice. There was a potluck, and it was good, because I got to meet a few more of the regulars over there. I'm beginning to get the sense that people actually practice there. Chris's wife Susan led the sitting; I really like her. She is gentle and friendly. Though it is a little frustrating that I am probably less than half the age of the youngest person there, it is still good to be around such kind, open people. I will not be going tomorrow morning; I'm dedicating tomorrow to myself. But I will be visiting again next Wednesday. Hopefully the Wednesday group's teacher, Henry, will be there, so I can decide if it would be a good idea for me to join the Sesshin in 2.5 weeks. We'll see.
I had a late dinner, then slank into bed with my laptop and looked at failblog.org until I passed out. I woke up just before midnight and put my hands in a little prayer position, without really planning it or thinking why, thought really, really hard about how the calendar was changing from one year to the next, straining those facial muscles, then went to sleep.
So today. So today I drove to Albuquerque for 3 things: two meeting with okcupid connections, and, sandwiched in between, a sweatlodge (Temazcal) ceremony with the healing arts group Calpulli Teocalli Ollin, down in Los Lunas.
Today was magic.
I feel a little bit awkward about how I ended up having two dates on the same day. It was not a great idea. Looking back on it, I don't think it was that bad, but I will definitely try to avoid it in the future. I did try to avoid it, but this ended up being the schedule that worked. So it goes.
How did it all go? I know, I'm setting you all up for something, but I actually don't feel all that ready to talk about the details. I actually am feeling it would be inappropriate. Of course I've been thinking about what's appropriate for this blog and what's not in the past two weeks or so; and I need to feel my way through this a little more. As I maybe stated earlier, there are arguments on both sides: the need to be respectful of other people, even though they have entered my life and are therefore part of my experience; versus: the need to be honest about my experience, which includes the actions and words of other people. I am undecided at this point. I want to be unrelentingly honest; that is my goal; but I don't want this to be a gossip column, which it borders on in some entries.
What will I say, though?
I feel great. I feel light. I feel alive. I feel rich with experience and connections. I am grateful for what I am feeling now; I am a little anxious about how things will turn out in the future, i.e., what to expect. This is a good situation to be aware of when sitting down to zazen, which I will be getting to in a moment.
I will say: it's been a long, long time since I have needed to ground myself from positive expectations like this, that is, if there ever was a time. This is a big change for me, people.
(In case anyone is thinking about this, I want to make it clear that I don't think positive feelings are bad, just positive expectations - that is, unchecked hopefulness, fantasizing about this, planning that. This is about making the distinction between feeling what I'm feeling right now, sitting with it and letting it happen; between this and seeing eggs and immediately counting chickens.)
As always, if you want details (I am in a mood to gush) please contact me in real life. More ought to follow.
As for the Temazcal, I might write more tomorrow. I'm kinda tired right now and need to get to sitting before I pass out.
Good night and good new year.
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