Plenty to Say

This day was relatively good. There was one hitch, where I had to deal with a client who is obviously in the throes of a serious addiction and unwilling to take any responsibility for it; I went from feeling annoyed to feeling angry to simply feeling afraid of this guy. I don't think he will last at the shelter; I just hope that he makes a clean exit. We'll see.

I am trying not to spend too much time marking the hours until Saturday night. We've been making plans since yesterday; I have the tub reserved, and we're thinking about what to eat. It's my diet's off day, so I wanted to go a little overboard, but, really, I don't want to eat myself sick. Penelope suggested some light but rich food; it sounds great, it will be lovely. I've never been so excited about a date before.

I will not reproduce them here, but I am seriously impressed by the way she writes - everything she sends me is interesting to read, feels well-thought, well-composed and very musical. I want to stop now - my "too good to be true" anxiety is welling up a little bit here.

I just need to relax, find myself rooted, planted and growing exactly where I am, each moment.

I told a near-suicidal client today, and I really wanted to impress this on him, "There is no better, there is no worse, there is only yourself and what's in front of you." I don't think it really sank in, but learning that this is what I had to tell him was very insightful for me. Back a few months ago, this guy represented hopelessness to me; and I remember feeling a bit of the despair myself, looking at the abyss he looks over every day. In fact, he still feels this way. He said "I live on the edge of a cliff, and I'm blindfolded" - not an exact quote, but pretty close to one. (It reminds me of the last scene of Kurosawa's movie "Ran." For a split second, I thought of recommending that he read King Lear. This second passed quickly.) And, hearing this again, it felt good, knowing I had something to say in response. Maybe it does not solve all problems, but I'm no longer mute to this depression, this pessimism. I am sad for him, but a little more appreciative of the course of my life.

Looks like the guys really affected me today, in different ways. God bless 'em.

I think my drive to be healthier and have more energy has been very successful, and I am going to continue to focus on this area for at least a few more weeks. But now the idea is creeping into my mind of where I need most to grow next: to really, and fully live up to the "quiet mind" that people see in me. (The words of another homeless guest: "He has his own quiet mind.") I like to think it's real, but I have a long way to go, mastering my fears and anxieties. I will take steps, though. I think what people see in me is a potentially quiet mind. It will take work to actually get there.

Of course, I admire other people's quiet minds, but I can only have my own.

On a related note, I've decided to go ahead and join Mountain Cloud's January Sesshin, which begins in 13 days and lasts for 4. I need to make a reservation as soon as I can. I did not have a chance to meet Henry Shukman, who will be the assistant teacher there, on Wednesday, but I will meet him next week. I might call him this weekend (we spoke on the phone last Sunday) to make my reservation. It should be interesting. I have never done a Sesshin before - although my Zen stay back in 2009 was something approximating it. The biggest difference is that at a Sesshin there is much less free time and much more sitting. I have done 3 - 4 hours before, but I hear some Sesshin go up to 10. That's intense. I've been kind of amazed at the solid 2-hour blocks I've been doing lately. I mean, really, who sits and stares at the wall for 2 hours? The more I practice Zen, the more crazy it seems to me.

With that, I'll be going to sit my little 20-minutes myself, right here. After I compose a little message to Penelope, of course.

Good night, all.