I'm doing a lot of good things right now, but I want to go bigger.
I mentioned yesterday that it feels like I'm doing a nose dive that I'll pull up from at the last minute.
Today I somehow feel more strongly that this is true.
What I am doing right now is clearing out a lot of cobwebs in my life. I'm full of them. I need to do a lot of cleaning. My main task right now is coming up with a good way to not forget things that I start - a way of keeping all of my ideas and plans and thoughts and insights in one place so I can look at them and not forget them. I honestly feel that part of the reason I've developed the habit of starting things and putting them aside is that I forget about them.
I'm also working on getting things done quicker and with more momentum; a good companion to knowing where I put all of my ideas. I feel that if I can work on these two things conscientiously and clearly, I'll be able to work with more energy and therefore bigger returns for myself.
Ultimately, I want to know what I want. This will take more work. For the time being, I'm trying to take the first step and know what I'm doing and how I do it. That's how I'll be able to understand myself better and perhaps make changes. If changes are necessary.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Fowl
This afternoon I took a walk, as usual. I got all reminiscy about the past year.
It struck me that I've been living in Albuquerque for 3 months now. 3 months. What have I been doing? I don't feel like I have a whole lot to show for it. This is false in many ways, but I can't escape the feeling that time is slipping away, and I'm not keeping up with it.
When I go for a walk, I end up at the Rio Grande. It's really a wonderful thing to be so close to the river, with its wide swaths of protected wetlands and towering cottonwoods. It struck me that: even if I haven't done much, it's really a valuable thing, to have gone walking along this river for the majority of the past ninety days. If I stop to think about it, it's an amazing force of nature only a couple blocks from my home, and I've really made a connection with it.
This connection paid off tonight, with the fire of the setting sun to the west, the flocks of geese and cranes collecting in the shallow water - even the sound of churchbells ringing from somewhere to the east.
This is a strange, strange, chapter in my life. I feel like some part of me wants to sap out all of my funds and energy in a massive nosedive, only to pull up at the last minute. Let's hope I can actually pull the throttle at the right moment.
I go through phases of buoyant confidence and fear as I move from project to project; hoping that I'm doing the right thing, jumping from computer programming to novel writing to blogging to finances and stocks to self-improvement to furious bouts of accordionism to GTD fanboyism (and I can't ignore my current infatuation with vim). I have faith that, at the root, I'm doing what I need to do, and all my anxiety and confusion is unhelpful but inevitable fluttering as I settle to the bottom of myself.
Here's to resting at the river bank.
Good night, all.
It struck me that I've been living in Albuquerque for 3 months now. 3 months. What have I been doing? I don't feel like I have a whole lot to show for it. This is false in many ways, but I can't escape the feeling that time is slipping away, and I'm not keeping up with it.
When I go for a walk, I end up at the Rio Grande. It's really a wonderful thing to be so close to the river, with its wide swaths of protected wetlands and towering cottonwoods. It struck me that: even if I haven't done much, it's really a valuable thing, to have gone walking along this river for the majority of the past ninety days. If I stop to think about it, it's an amazing force of nature only a couple blocks from my home, and I've really made a connection with it.
This connection paid off tonight, with the fire of the setting sun to the west, the flocks of geese and cranes collecting in the shallow water - even the sound of churchbells ringing from somewhere to the east.
This is a strange, strange, chapter in my life. I feel like some part of me wants to sap out all of my funds and energy in a massive nosedive, only to pull up at the last minute. Let's hope I can actually pull the throttle at the right moment.
I go through phases of buoyant confidence and fear as I move from project to project; hoping that I'm doing the right thing, jumping from computer programming to novel writing to blogging to finances and stocks to self-improvement to furious bouts of accordionism to GTD fanboyism (and I can't ignore my current infatuation with vim). I have faith that, at the root, I'm doing what I need to do, and all my anxiety and confusion is unhelpful but inevitable fluttering as I settle to the bottom of myself.
Here's to resting at the river bank.
Good night, all.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Passive Zip
After a very productive day, I feel somewhat paralyzed at the moment; not really wanting to do one thing or the other.
I've gained a little insight apropos of this situation. It's one that I put into practice earlier today but for some reason I have not looked into for the past hour or so. It's this: that when I feel this way, it usually means there's something I want to do that I am avoiding for some reason. Right now, it's to go outside and burn my pile of personal documents. Burning is what I do in lieu of using a shredder, which I don't have. It's nothing really sensitive or even entirely personal. Perhaps the lack of symbolic meaning makes the task seem less interesting?
I think I'll continue the experiment from this morning. Now that I've typed about it a bit, I think I'll simply go outside and do it. I can't imagine that it's less productive than sitting in my chair wondering what it is I ought to do next.
Good night, all.
I've gained a little insight apropos of this situation. It's one that I put into practice earlier today but for some reason I have not looked into for the past hour or so. It's this: that when I feel this way, it usually means there's something I want to do that I am avoiding for some reason. Right now, it's to go outside and burn my pile of personal documents. Burning is what I do in lieu of using a shredder, which I don't have. It's nothing really sensitive or even entirely personal. Perhaps the lack of symbolic meaning makes the task seem less interesting?
I think I'll continue the experiment from this morning. Now that I've typed about it a bit, I think I'll simply go outside and do it. I can't imagine that it's less productive than sitting in my chair wondering what it is I ought to do next.
Good night, all.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Infernal Inventory
A day in which I focus mainly on my shortcomings.
I'm thinking a lot about an article on grit as a defining factor in greatness. I'd like to read more on the topic, but this blog article served as a good introduction: The Future of Self-Improvement, Part I: Grit Is More Important Than Talent :: Articles :: The 99 Percent.
I really do feel that my life suffers from a lack of focus.
I have to say that, objectively, I am very tenacious with my projects, once I "let them in." But I don't let a whole lot in. They remain as ideas, which I might pursue in fits and starts. I'm struggling to find a place for everything and struggling with the cruel, hard fact that I can't find a place for everything. I've got to choose, to commit.
What I've learned in the past couple weeks, though, is that the value of commitment, if total - that is, if your devotion fits the whole space of what you're committing to and you're not leaving any stone unturned or path untrodden in your quest to finish it - it doesn't have to last for a very long time. It could last a very long time, or forever (like with zazen), but it doesn't have to. You might burn through it and be done with it. There is no reason to be worried: if you invest the proper amount of energy into a project, a goal, a practice, you will either satisfy your curiosity for good and leave it be or find something you can be passionate about and take with you. Either way, you're fine.
With that, I go early to bed to rest for I day that I hope feels like it's 10 years long - it's so full of good projects (and excellent naps).
Good night, all.
I'm thinking a lot about an article on grit as a defining factor in greatness. I'd like to read more on the topic, but this blog article served as a good introduction: The Future of Self-Improvement, Part I: Grit Is More Important Than Talent :: Articles :: The 99 Percent.
I really do feel that my life suffers from a lack of focus.
I have to say that, objectively, I am very tenacious with my projects, once I "let them in." But I don't let a whole lot in. They remain as ideas, which I might pursue in fits and starts. I'm struggling to find a place for everything and struggling with the cruel, hard fact that I can't find a place for everything. I've got to choose, to commit.
What I've learned in the past couple weeks, though, is that the value of commitment, if total - that is, if your devotion fits the whole space of what you're committing to and you're not leaving any stone unturned or path untrodden in your quest to finish it - it doesn't have to last for a very long time. It could last a very long time, or forever (like with zazen), but it doesn't have to. You might burn through it and be done with it. There is no reason to be worried: if you invest the proper amount of energy into a project, a goal, a practice, you will either satisfy your curiosity for good and leave it be or find something you can be passionate about and take with you. Either way, you're fine.
With that, I go early to bed to rest for I day that I hope feels like it's 10 years long - it's so full of good projects (and excellent naps).
Good night, all.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
New Blog
Okay, my new blog is finally up and running in the most basic sense. Here it is:
needfulquestion.wordpress.com
If anyone reading this could subscribe, that would be beautiful.
I will be setting up a more regular posting schedule shortly, and I will be seriously renovating it as time goes on, so stay tuned.
needfulquestion.wordpress.com
If anyone reading this could subscribe, that would be beautiful.
I will be setting up a more regular posting schedule shortly, and I will be seriously renovating it as time goes on, so stay tuned.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Boiler
The pressure has built up, and steam is beginning to amass at the top...
Suddenly I have a rush to make decisions about my life. Starting classes, where I want to work, all of it. I feel like I need to hammer out a resume, get my life in complete ship-shape for a difficult, busy 6 months or so as I start up again.
I find myself running myself down in subtle ways; old ways, ways I am used to, where I find myself faced with an immediate difficulty, I tell myself I can't do it and then I immediately feel the need to do anything else, distract myself, pace around: anything.
But relief is always much closer. Twice today I pulled myself out of that mood. The first time was by simply lying down and allowing myself to rest for a bit. I was up and at it again after only about 10 minutes.
The second was when I decided to vent all of my feelings and frustrations. I have a lot of fear in me. I was in fact up late last night, simply feeling fear, that sense of being fundamentally unsafe, disconnected from my roots. Does anyone else get that? Why does it only happen at night? My theory is that it's because I push it away during the day, trying to judge myself by arbitrary plans I make up on the spot and struggling to fill up my hours, rather than touching source, sitting down and clearing my vision of all that anxiety and floundering. It's a simple fact that when I don't feel that sense of being connected - and I do feel it directly in my gut - I perform worse and make worse decisions, in addition to enjoying what I do less. I know it's a little more complicated than this, but not by much: I just need to ask myself how I'm feeling and make sure that I acknowledge the answer significantly enough. What enough means depends on the moment.
If only I could remember to do this; make some more progress. I feel like it's time to move on from the plateau of growth I've been hovering at the past three years.
Suddenly I have a rush to make decisions about my life. Starting classes, where I want to work, all of it. I feel like I need to hammer out a resume, get my life in complete ship-shape for a difficult, busy 6 months or so as I start up again.
I find myself running myself down in subtle ways; old ways, ways I am used to, where I find myself faced with an immediate difficulty, I tell myself I can't do it and then I immediately feel the need to do anything else, distract myself, pace around: anything.
But relief is always much closer. Twice today I pulled myself out of that mood. The first time was by simply lying down and allowing myself to rest for a bit. I was up and at it again after only about 10 minutes.
The second was when I decided to vent all of my feelings and frustrations. I have a lot of fear in me. I was in fact up late last night, simply feeling fear, that sense of being fundamentally unsafe, disconnected from my roots. Does anyone else get that? Why does it only happen at night? My theory is that it's because I push it away during the day, trying to judge myself by arbitrary plans I make up on the spot and struggling to fill up my hours, rather than touching source, sitting down and clearing my vision of all that anxiety and floundering. It's a simple fact that when I don't feel that sense of being connected - and I do feel it directly in my gut - I perform worse and make worse decisions, in addition to enjoying what I do less. I know it's a little more complicated than this, but not by much: I just need to ask myself how I'm feeling and make sure that I acknowledge the answer significantly enough. What enough means depends on the moment.
If only I could remember to do this; make some more progress. I feel like it's time to move on from the plateau of growth I've been hovering at the past three years.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Station-ary
Tonight: a quick check in before I hit the hay.
My plan to dive into this new found love of focus has turned back into cycling through a few tasks and never feeling like I'm spending enough time on each one. I am more focused with each one that I usually am, though: I got a lot of CS learning, article writing (a very busy task, I realize, if I want to take it seriously) and violin playing done today.
The new blog is almost ready. I continue to tweak it, bit by bit, but I've begun to move my reviews over there. The transfer should be complete tomorrow, and I'll post a link here so all of my teeming fans can bookmark it.
Yesterday I had my first session of movement therapy; I still want to be freer, damn it, and talk therapy was not working for me when I last left it as it had in the past. I need to get into my body more. It was an excellent experience - a lot of the work was very subtle - focusing on muscles deep in my abdomen and adjustments to my spine, but it seemed to have a strong effect on me. I look forward to more classes in the future. I'd like to write more about it in the next few days, too, about what it all means and what brought me there.
I'm really enjoying my new, more productive self. Maybe the lack of video entertainment has contributed that significantly? I might even say I'm happy right now - were it not for the incredible instability. Or maybe I'm actually comfortable in that instability? That can't be true - not entirely. But maybe I'm finding new strength due to the challenge. Not sure. I only can keep moving.
Good night, all.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Formatting...
For the first time, I actually paid attention to blogger's new format. I didn't realize the extent to which they were distinguishing formatted text from html. I apologize, and I hope no one was scared off by the huge blobs of text the past few posts were.
Taking a Breath (NoVideo Day 8)
I've spent the past two days diving into my programming project. Technically, it was two projects - The last two exercises in my programming textbook that I hadn't finished. But the point was not the projects themselves, but to put the work into finishing the textbook itself and to move on to other things.
It was a very rich two days, spent using a rhythm of life I don't normally use. It was an experiment, and it was a success - again, not so much for finishing the projects as much as making it through and learning about myself.
I wanted to see what it was like to completely focus on something until its completion. There is a lot of madness in that, some might initially say. I don't mind, because I tend to miss the mark way in the other direction, the one of false starts, distractions and a general letting of things fall to the wayside. It was a good change of pace for me to commit to 7 - 10 hours a day focusing on one thing.
And the projects were not easy. I am still earning my programming wings, and I made a lot of mistakes that served as a focus for a lot of frustration. A popular thought flashing through my mind during the frustration - that is, periods of restlessness, resistance, wanting to get away, general anxiety - a popular thought was: I'm taking too long. I want this to be over. I have learned how to be patient in a lot of situations, but I see clearly a deep-seated impatience at my core. Maybe it's not best to label it as impatience so much as rejection of what I'm doing. This is the restlessness that drives me to find distractions, to want to get away, to want to do something else.
I noticed something very clearly though, something that this ties into the insights I garnered reading The Ramen King ang I. The thought that precedes the sense of restlessness, wanting to get away? "I can't do this." It's very subtle. It's not a voice in capital letters screaming the thought into my mind. I experience it very subtly, almost on a purely physical level. A very strong feeling: I can't, I can't, I can't. This is "The Voice" from Ramen King. And, yes, it precedes a feeling of anxiety that makes me want to bolt, to avoid what's going on.
I can't rest on my laurels and say I've figured it all out - I still have my insight. But this has been a good, solid, direct "realizing" of the idea that self-criticism leads to a sense of anxiety and behaviors that center on avoiding that anxiety.
I had the experience yesterday of just continuing to work through it - that was the commitment I had made to myself, anyway - and I found that the idea that "I can't do it" would quickly melt away. I shouldn't get too excited about this idea, but apparently once this thought melts away I can usually do the thing I thought I couldn't do in so much dispatch that it makes me laugh.
I'll leave with an example. I had intended to be finished with everything yesterday by around 3:00 and meet Penelope for dinner a few hours after that. 4:30 rolled around, and I realized there was a huge flaw in my "centerpiece" algorithm - the algorithm that made the whole program work. I make a point of going outside every day, and 4:30 is about the last time I can go out and expect there to be a reasonable amount of daylight left. So I went out walking, trying to figure out what to do. I was thinking of just ending, going to dinner and finishing later. I also thought about the eventual way I would solve the problem. There were two possible ways - one would take me less time but make the program much less efficient, the other would take me more time to code but be more efficient, tighter and therefore more beautiful - a better piece of work. I was leaning toward the former, as time was dragging on, and I was feeling impatient to be done with everything. As I continued walking, I realized that, as sensible as cutting and running can be in many situations, I was trying to excuse myself from working through the problem I had committed to complete. Maybe it would take me into the next day (today), but I was going to do it, damn it, and do it the right way.
I got home and found Penelope was ready to meet. I immediately began to work as we slowly communicated by e-mail. I even suggested that we cancel, because I wasn't ready. But, before I even knew it, it was done. I had solved the flaw in the algorithm in record time and, almost miraculously, it began to function beautifully. I asked for 15 minutes, and, in that time, I finished the last major task swiftly. This one seemed to work miraculously, also. I say miraculously, because I had just spent the past two days or so slogging through mistake after mistake, reworking and debugging for hours. And here I was, working with the most complicated parts of my program - really, the most complicated computations I've ever designed - and they just worked.
I hadn't finished the program by the time we met for dinner, but the major work had been finished. Of course, there was no miracle - I just stopped wasting time and got to work. Or maybe that was the miraculous part?
I'll leave it at that for now. I feel like this post ended up way longer than it needed to be - but I'm going to let it stand. I'd like to really convey how much of a growth experience programming can be - but I'm concerned that it might be boring to other people. Some feedback would be appreciated, of course. At any rate, I think I'm going to tackle this same story from a different perspective on my other blog, once it's up.
Good day, all.
You can do it.
It was a very rich two days, spent using a rhythm of life I don't normally use. It was an experiment, and it was a success - again, not so much for finishing the projects as much as making it through and learning about myself.
I wanted to see what it was like to completely focus on something until its completion. There is a lot of madness in that, some might initially say. I don't mind, because I tend to miss the mark way in the other direction, the one of false starts, distractions and a general letting of things fall to the wayside. It was a good change of pace for me to commit to 7 - 10 hours a day focusing on one thing.
And the projects were not easy. I am still earning my programming wings, and I made a lot of mistakes that served as a focus for a lot of frustration. A popular thought flashing through my mind during the frustration - that is, periods of restlessness, resistance, wanting to get away, general anxiety - a popular thought was: I'm taking too long. I want this to be over. I have learned how to be patient in a lot of situations, but I see clearly a deep-seated impatience at my core. Maybe it's not best to label it as impatience so much as rejection of what I'm doing. This is the restlessness that drives me to find distractions, to want to get away, to want to do something else.
I noticed something very clearly though, something that this ties into the insights I garnered reading The Ramen King ang I. The thought that precedes the sense of restlessness, wanting to get away? "I can't do this." It's very subtle. It's not a voice in capital letters screaming the thought into my mind. I experience it very subtly, almost on a purely physical level. A very strong feeling: I can't, I can't, I can't. This is "The Voice" from Ramen King. And, yes, it precedes a feeling of anxiety that makes me want to bolt, to avoid what's going on.
I can't rest on my laurels and say I've figured it all out - I still have my insight. But this has been a good, solid, direct "realizing" of the idea that self-criticism leads to a sense of anxiety and behaviors that center on avoiding that anxiety.
I had the experience yesterday of just continuing to work through it - that was the commitment I had made to myself, anyway - and I found that the idea that "I can't do it" would quickly melt away. I shouldn't get too excited about this idea, but apparently once this thought melts away I can usually do the thing I thought I couldn't do in so much dispatch that it makes me laugh.
I'll leave with an example. I had intended to be finished with everything yesterday by around 3:00 and meet Penelope for dinner a few hours after that. 4:30 rolled around, and I realized there was a huge flaw in my "centerpiece" algorithm - the algorithm that made the whole program work. I make a point of going outside every day, and 4:30 is about the last time I can go out and expect there to be a reasonable amount of daylight left. So I went out walking, trying to figure out what to do. I was thinking of just ending, going to dinner and finishing later. I also thought about the eventual way I would solve the problem. There were two possible ways - one would take me less time but make the program much less efficient, the other would take me more time to code but be more efficient, tighter and therefore more beautiful - a better piece of work. I was leaning toward the former, as time was dragging on, and I was feeling impatient to be done with everything. As I continued walking, I realized that, as sensible as cutting and running can be in many situations, I was trying to excuse myself from working through the problem I had committed to complete. Maybe it would take me into the next day (today), but I was going to do it, damn it, and do it the right way.
I got home and found Penelope was ready to meet. I immediately began to work as we slowly communicated by e-mail. I even suggested that we cancel, because I wasn't ready. But, before I even knew it, it was done. I had solved the flaw in the algorithm in record time and, almost miraculously, it began to function beautifully. I asked for 15 minutes, and, in that time, I finished the last major task swiftly. This one seemed to work miraculously, also. I say miraculously, because I had just spent the past two days or so slogging through mistake after mistake, reworking and debugging for hours. And here I was, working with the most complicated parts of my program - really, the most complicated computations I've ever designed - and they just worked.
I hadn't finished the program by the time we met for dinner, but the major work had been finished. Of course, there was no miracle - I just stopped wasting time and got to work. Or maybe that was the miraculous part?
I'll leave it at that for now. I feel like this post ended up way longer than it needed to be - but I'm going to let it stand. I'd like to really convey how much of a growth experience programming can be - but I'm concerned that it might be boring to other people. Some feedback would be appreciated, of course. At any rate, I think I'm going to tackle this same story from a different perspective on my other blog, once it's up.
Good day, all.
You can do it.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
NoVideo - Day 5
Being in the middle of a period of time I need to track frees me from the responsibility of coming up wit titles for my posts - though NoVideo is not the chiefest thing on my mind.
What is the biggest thing I've noticed? I've developed a need to focus on things. Apparently, watching videos, holding that need to watch something else, find the next novelty, tends to encourage an impatience where I am eagerly waiting for the next thing to happen. Without that stimulation in the equation - both its direct manifestation as a flickering image and its indirect influence as a desire or craving - I'm more patient with the things I do throughout the day, more settled.
Also, I have a strong desire to focus on one thing at a time, rather than overburden myself with a dozen contradictory tasks that I can't get done. I don't know if this directly has to do with being more settled - though being more comfortable in each task of the day certainly gets me in the habit of sticking with what I'm doing.
So back I go into my current project, which I will be writing about in detail on my other blog, once I'm finished with the project and once the other blog is properly up, sometime this week.
Beyond that, my life has been pretty still. Discussions with Penelope continue - we have formally decided one week of figuring things out, before making any decisions. The main idea is that we both need to decide what we want to do with our lives - at least a sketch for the next 7 or 8 months - before we can say that continuing the relationship makes sense. This is a tall order, but I'm going to do my best to figure that stuff out. With any luck, I'll be sorting out my thoughts here - a very helpful medium for sorting out my feelings.
In the meantime, nose to the grindstone.
Good working, all.
What is the biggest thing I've noticed? I've developed a need to focus on things. Apparently, watching videos, holding that need to watch something else, find the next novelty, tends to encourage an impatience where I am eagerly waiting for the next thing to happen. Without that stimulation in the equation - both its direct manifestation as a flickering image and its indirect influence as a desire or craving - I'm more patient with the things I do throughout the day, more settled.
Also, I have a strong desire to focus on one thing at a time, rather than overburden myself with a dozen contradictory tasks that I can't get done. I don't know if this directly has to do with being more settled - though being more comfortable in each task of the day certainly gets me in the habit of sticking with what I'm doing.
So back I go into my current project, which I will be writing about in detail on my other blog, once I'm finished with the project and once the other blog is properly up, sometime this week.
Beyond that, my life has been pretty still. Discussions with Penelope continue - we have formally decided one week of figuring things out, before making any decisions. The main idea is that we both need to decide what we want to do with our lives - at least a sketch for the next 7 or 8 months - before we can say that continuing the relationship makes sense. This is a tall order, but I'm going to do my best to figure that stuff out. With any luck, I'll be sorting out my thoughts here - a very helpful medium for sorting out my feelings.
In the meantime, nose to the grindstone.
Good working, all.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
NoVideo - Day 4
In addition to forgoing video of any kind, I'm also temporarily engaging in Tim Ferriss's slow carb diet from his book, The Four Hour Body. It's a discussion on its own, but, basically, it's a 6-day a week low carb diet with an Eat Anything Day tacked on the end. Today is one of those days. I have realized clearly how connected my overeating habits are with my video habits; and I felt that, somehow, the over-indulging would not be the same without t.v. to watch. Instead, I listened to Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me - a familiar and comfortable radio show that, more than any other show, qualifies as indulgence.
It was nice. It was fine. Nothing was lost. Nothing was missed. Any thoughts I had on the way home tonight about how harsh this would be - they all proved completely meaningless. The need to watch something is not a real need. Maybe I will have a desire to watch a certain thing, for the sake of curiosity, novelty, stimulation, a sense of wonder (if it's that type of production) - but it is not a necessity.
After dinner and Wait Wait (and a bottle of wine), I listened to an archived episode of This American Life while lying on my bed and staring at the wall (enjoying something I call the Lascaux Effect - the almost mystical fascination with interior walls lit with warm light - another thing that could be a subject of an entry on its own). Is an NPR addiction rising, with video out of the picture? It's hardly the same thing. I must say, I feel a lot more relaxed after 2 hours of radio glut than I ever would after its visual counterpart. I feel relaxed and ready to do something else: probably read some Sophocles or something else. I can move on; I can get enough sleep, and I feel refreshed.
Good night, all.
It was nice. It was fine. Nothing was lost. Nothing was missed. Any thoughts I had on the way home tonight about how harsh this would be - they all proved completely meaningless. The need to watch something is not a real need. Maybe I will have a desire to watch a certain thing, for the sake of curiosity, novelty, stimulation, a sense of wonder (if it's that type of production) - but it is not a necessity.
After dinner and Wait Wait (and a bottle of wine), I listened to an archived episode of This American Life while lying on my bed and staring at the wall (enjoying something I call the Lascaux Effect - the almost mystical fascination with interior walls lit with warm light - another thing that could be a subject of an entry on its own). Is an NPR addiction rising, with video out of the picture? It's hardly the same thing. I must say, I feel a lot more relaxed after 2 hours of radio glut than I ever would after its visual counterpart. I feel relaxed and ready to do something else: probably read some Sophocles or something else. I can move on; I can get enough sleep, and I feel refreshed.
Good night, all.
Friday, December 9, 2011
NoVideo - Day 3
Yes, I'm starting on day 3, because I didn't get to blogging about it on days 1 or 2.
On Sunday, Penelope said she wanted to break up with me. There are a lot of details, but the main gist is that she feels I am not available. I know that line. I think she's right. I don't feel available to myself, either.
I moped for much of Monday and Tuesday, grieving for the relationship, smarting from the suddenness of it all and considering carefully what went wrong.
I decided that my attachment to video, while not wholly or even mostly responsible for the fracture, was at least partially responsible for it. However, it is very largely responsible for taking up a lot of my time and energy in a time when I need all that I can get. I reflected on how the time and energy that video eats up goes far beyond the actual time spent on it directly. It makes me more lethargic; it makes me focus less on what I'm doing; i'm sure it effects my brain chemistry in a way I couldn't directly explain; it encourages me to overeat; it contributes in an overall neglect of my body; it also contributes in neglect of my feelings. Caring for my feelings is not like caring for my body, where I can pick up the slack later if I ignore it now - no, caring for my feelings takes a lot of consistent work, otherwise I slip back dramatically. I am really, really good at shutting them off, and video is an all-too-easy way to do so. Perhaps the easiest.
I want that time and energy. I want my life. Even if it doesn't solve my problems with Penelope (and I guarantee it will help some), it will at least open up the space and time - the possibility - that I can at least try something instead of letting everything slip away. I can grieve better, if things don't work out; I can understand myself.
So:
Wednesday morning, around 9am, I decided to cut myself off from video. That means no t.v., no movies, no video clips of any kind, and no video games except for the ones I am coding myself (and they are not much of a distraction anyway).
This will be in effect until January 2, 2012. Why January 2? I'm not sure exactly. It was arbitrary. I thought that, somehow, waiting until the day after New Year's was a little bit better.
I won't be going back to normal after that point, though. I'll gradually reintroduce a little bit more until I reach a good equilibrium - in my imagination the end product will be that I will watch movies; full episodes of quality, worthwhile t.v. shows; and play substantial, well-recommended video games. No free, candy-like little snippets - they take so much more from me than the longer, more deliberate offerings. But we'll see how this develops.
Of course, eliminating video from my life is just a tiny step; a tiny step on a long, long staircase that leads to the life I know I have it in me to live. All the inner problems, all the addictive, obsessive behavior; all the discomfort with my emotions and the repression - it won't magically disappear. What's different now is that I feel the full force of myself going into this little task, and I feel like I can really wind up in a place from which to take the tiny second step, and the tiny third step, and so on.
So here I am. I'll try to keep posting about the progress, with all my thoughts and reflections on this process (which seems so miniscule compared to all the thinking and writing about it I'm doing - but I know it's worthwhile) and how it develops.
As for Penelope, that might be the subject of another post. I'll say we're not broken up quite yet; we're still talking and figuring this out.
Good day, all.
On Sunday, Penelope said she wanted to break up with me. There are a lot of details, but the main gist is that she feels I am not available. I know that line. I think she's right. I don't feel available to myself, either.
I moped for much of Monday and Tuesday, grieving for the relationship, smarting from the suddenness of it all and considering carefully what went wrong.
I decided that my attachment to video, while not wholly or even mostly responsible for the fracture, was at least partially responsible for it. However, it is very largely responsible for taking up a lot of my time and energy in a time when I need all that I can get. I reflected on how the time and energy that video eats up goes far beyond the actual time spent on it directly. It makes me more lethargic; it makes me focus less on what I'm doing; i'm sure it effects my brain chemistry in a way I couldn't directly explain; it encourages me to overeat; it contributes in an overall neglect of my body; it also contributes in neglect of my feelings. Caring for my feelings is not like caring for my body, where I can pick up the slack later if I ignore it now - no, caring for my feelings takes a lot of consistent work, otherwise I slip back dramatically. I am really, really good at shutting them off, and video is an all-too-easy way to do so. Perhaps the easiest.
I want that time and energy. I want my life. Even if it doesn't solve my problems with Penelope (and I guarantee it will help some), it will at least open up the space and time - the possibility - that I can at least try something instead of letting everything slip away. I can grieve better, if things don't work out; I can understand myself.
So:
Wednesday morning, around 9am, I decided to cut myself off from video. That means no t.v., no movies, no video clips of any kind, and no video games except for the ones I am coding myself (and they are not much of a distraction anyway).
This will be in effect until January 2, 2012. Why January 2? I'm not sure exactly. It was arbitrary. I thought that, somehow, waiting until the day after New Year's was a little bit better.
I won't be going back to normal after that point, though. I'll gradually reintroduce a little bit more until I reach a good equilibrium - in my imagination the end product will be that I will watch movies; full episodes of quality, worthwhile t.v. shows; and play substantial, well-recommended video games. No free, candy-like little snippets - they take so much more from me than the longer, more deliberate offerings. But we'll see how this develops.
Of course, eliminating video from my life is just a tiny step; a tiny step on a long, long staircase that leads to the life I know I have it in me to live. All the inner problems, all the addictive, obsessive behavior; all the discomfort with my emotions and the repression - it won't magically disappear. What's different now is that I feel the full force of myself going into this little task, and I feel like I can really wind up in a place from which to take the tiny second step, and the tiny third step, and so on.
So here I am. I'll try to keep posting about the progress, with all my thoughts and reflections on this process (which seems so miniscule compared to all the thinking and writing about it I'm doing - but I know it's worthwhile) and how it develops.
As for Penelope, that might be the subject of another post. I'll say we're not broken up quite yet; we're still talking and figuring this out.
Good day, all.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Get back on the wrist...
I finally strung together the plumwood beads that this blog is named after. It's been around 2 years that they've been sitting disconnected in a box. Now they're back.
Renovation...
Those who know me well should understand that, up until now, I had three blogs going. This was due to some experiments as to what parts of my life I could incorporate into blogs. As it turns out, both projects that were featured in blogs outside of this one were not meant to be, so I've cancelled both. So I'm going to begin again ... again.
I'm going to keep this blog as a place for personal reflection. I'm going to keep the name Peliens. At some point, I will go through every post and anonymize everyone involved. I would like the freedom to express all my thoughts and the shape of my experiences without the identities of the people involved being known.
If you've been reading lately, you've noticed that I've started writing reviews here. I'm going to remove these from this blog and post them on a new blog fairly soon - to keep more public and more personal things separate. When I do so, I will temporarily post the name of the new blog here, but I will be removing it shortly after to keep the association between the two a little separate - at least until I decide otherwise. Obviously, this is all one big work in progress. I'll keep you all posted.
I'm going to keep this blog as a place for personal reflection. I'm going to keep the name Peliens. At some point, I will go through every post and anonymize everyone involved. I would like the freedom to express all my thoughts and the shape of my experiences without the identities of the people involved being known.
If you've been reading lately, you've noticed that I've started writing reviews here. I'm going to remove these from this blog and post them on a new blog fairly soon - to keep more public and more personal things separate. When I do so, I will temporarily post the name of the new blog here, but I will be removing it shortly after to keep the association between the two a little separate - at least until I decide otherwise. Obviously, this is all one big work in progress. I'll keep you all posted.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Things are Moving
Seems kind of minor in the grand scheme of things, but I feel good that I have got an old project gathering dust for years finally under control. I have finally got access to two hard drives that have been sitting around in one place or another for years now. It turns out that one, from an old micron, was completely erased - the files either completely lost or practically inaccessible. The other, from a destroyed laptop, was fine. I got what I needed from it.
Again, you might look at this as insignificant, but I find that keeping all of your possessions in order, all of them, contributes to you feeling in order in general. The fact that, in modern times, we have so many possessions - molecular and electronic - makes this very, very difficult. My sense is that it is worth the effort. We belong to our possessions more than we think we do. Some part of us knows everything we do, everything we decide and everything we own, and if any of those things is unresolved, disordered or neglected, it will have an effect on us. I make no claims as to understanding how this attachment works; I simply observe it to be true.
So, a small victory today. I have a little bit of housekeeping to do with the files I've extracted, but the task is mostly done.
Again, you might look at this as insignificant, but I find that keeping all of your possessions in order, all of them, contributes to you feeling in order in general. The fact that, in modern times, we have so many possessions - molecular and electronic - makes this very, very difficult. My sense is that it is worth the effort. We belong to our possessions more than we think we do. Some part of us knows everything we do, everything we decide and everything we own, and if any of those things is unresolved, disordered or neglected, it will have an effect on us. I make no claims as to understanding how this attachment works; I simply observe it to be true.
So, a small victory today. I have a little bit of housekeeping to do with the files I've extracted, but the task is mostly done.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
A slice
I'm taking a brief moment of clarity, of no momentum in any activity, productive or otherwise, to write briefly where I am at.
I am still doing work - getting involved in more and more projects as my time to leave gets closer and closer. I need to spend at least, say, 30 minutes on Friday on my goals and plans. I need to talk with my program manager about her needs and what I might contribute in the future and present a plan to the business manager.
Slowly teaching myself Computer Science 101. This is me being the me I've always been - choosing to educate myself in something immediately, getting caught up in private projects, rather than taking the steps to get myself involved in programs that would get me recognition, garner connections, etc. It's fun for the moment, though, and other things are changing in my life, and I ought to take them one step at a time.
I am moving to Albuquerque in about 10 days. I am a little uneasy, as no contracts have been signed. However, my new landlord is acting as if I am moving in, so I am assuming that it is 100% a go. I joined in on last Sunday's group work activities, and I'll be heading over to do the same this Sunday. I think I am part of the group. Some part of me, though, will say I'm moved in once I'm actually moved in. Not that I need a definite answer right away, though.
Penelope and I are working out some issues that came up during our week together (which went by so, so quickly). A new issue is coming into mind: I am learning more about my needs as a boyfriend, how to identify them and how to express them. This is frightening, since I did not have these articulated for myself when we first started dating. What if they can't be met? The only way to find out is to be honest about it. I have already mentioned them to Penelope; we'll see where it progresses.
I'm reading a lot of Asimov. I'm on I, Robot at the moment. Less epic than the Foundation books, of course, but still fun.
I'm planning on blogging more. Yes, I always say that. But I'm setting down as a fact that I've been thinking about it more at random, over the course of the day.
I continue to slowly learn about workflow. Yet I'm experiencing a lot of emotional backlash - now that I know what to get done and how to do it, I find I don't want to know what it is. Need to shine a light on that.
I've been practicing Taiko, at a rate of about an hour per week. It's a nice way to spend 60 minutes during this chaotic period. I'll be keeping that up.
And that's it for now. If ever I blog more regularly, I'll go deeper into these types of topics. But for now it's simply helpful to sketch a survey of what I'm doing.
Good night, all.
I am still doing work - getting involved in more and more projects as my time to leave gets closer and closer. I need to spend at least, say, 30 minutes on Friday on my goals and plans. I need to talk with my program manager about her needs and what I might contribute in the future and present a plan to the business manager.
Slowly teaching myself Computer Science 101. This is me being the me I've always been - choosing to educate myself in something immediately, getting caught up in private projects, rather than taking the steps to get myself involved in programs that would get me recognition, garner connections, etc. It's fun for the moment, though, and other things are changing in my life, and I ought to take them one step at a time.
I am moving to Albuquerque in about 10 days. I am a little uneasy, as no contracts have been signed. However, my new landlord is acting as if I am moving in, so I am assuming that it is 100% a go. I joined in on last Sunday's group work activities, and I'll be heading over to do the same this Sunday. I think I am part of the group. Some part of me, though, will say I'm moved in once I'm actually moved in. Not that I need a definite answer right away, though.
Penelope and I are working out some issues that came up during our week together (which went by so, so quickly). A new issue is coming into mind: I am learning more about my needs as a boyfriend, how to identify them and how to express them. This is frightening, since I did not have these articulated for myself when we first started dating. What if they can't be met? The only way to find out is to be honest about it. I have already mentioned them to Penelope; we'll see where it progresses.
I'm reading a lot of Asimov. I'm on I, Robot at the moment. Less epic than the Foundation books, of course, but still fun.
I'm planning on blogging more. Yes, I always say that. But I'm setting down as a fact that I've been thinking about it more at random, over the course of the day.
I continue to slowly learn about workflow. Yet I'm experiencing a lot of emotional backlash - now that I know what to get done and how to do it, I find I don't want to know what it is. Need to shine a light on that.
I've been practicing Taiko, at a rate of about an hour per week. It's a nice way to spend 60 minutes during this chaotic period. I'll be keeping that up.
And that's it for now. If ever I blog more regularly, I'll go deeper into these types of topics. But for now it's simply helpful to sketch a survey of what I'm doing.
Good night, all.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Settled, Observing, Moving
A lot of things going on, but I'm doing very little.
I've chosen a new place to live. It's superb. I was thinking of not staying in New Mexico, flying off to Montreal for a few months and covering myself in the monkish robes of seclusion.
But, really, is that what I need to be doing right now?
I talked about it at length with Penelope - and she was supportive, but very conflicted. She assured me that she would be most comfortable if I did what I need to do, rather than not, but that it she would be most comfortable if doing what I need to do is staying near her for longer. We were not considering breaking up, just me being away for a while. Something I've done before - something that has worked but has had mixed results. What's different now, practically, is that I'd be focusing on something very specific: my future computer science degree, what schools I might want to apply to and how to take the first steps in that direction.
Emotionally, it's the same. It's rough for her and for me. We survived a month apart when I was in Peru; and it went well. I don't want to overdo it.
Anyway, I'll be living in a brilliant place. I almost can't believe that such a place exists: a completely self-contained, independent apartment in a sustainable farming community, where the rent is $535 a month and 4 hours of work per week. Of course, this price includes a share of the food produced.
I will be writing more about this. This is the lifestyle I want to blog about, anyway. But, wow. Simply amazing. I'll be heading back tomorrow or Wednesday to meet more of the other people in the community than I was able to meet yesterday. This is definitely a reason to stay in the area.
I'll be blogging more regularly now for sure, or at least once I have moved in to my new apartment, new lifestyle, new life.
Good night, all.
I've chosen a new place to live. It's superb. I was thinking of not staying in New Mexico, flying off to Montreal for a few months and covering myself in the monkish robes of seclusion.
But, really, is that what I need to be doing right now?
I talked about it at length with Penelope - and she was supportive, but very conflicted. She assured me that she would be most comfortable if I did what I need to do, rather than not, but that it she would be most comfortable if doing what I need to do is staying near her for longer. We were not considering breaking up, just me being away for a while. Something I've done before - something that has worked but has had mixed results. What's different now, practically, is that I'd be focusing on something very specific: my future computer science degree, what schools I might want to apply to and how to take the first steps in that direction.
Emotionally, it's the same. It's rough for her and for me. We survived a month apart when I was in Peru; and it went well. I don't want to overdo it.
Anyway, I'll be living in a brilliant place. I almost can't believe that such a place exists: a completely self-contained, independent apartment in a sustainable farming community, where the rent is $535 a month and 4 hours of work per week. Of course, this price includes a share of the food produced.
I will be writing more about this. This is the lifestyle I want to blog about, anyway. But, wow. Simply amazing. I'll be heading back tomorrow or Wednesday to meet more of the other people in the community than I was able to meet yesterday. This is definitely a reason to stay in the area.
I'll be blogging more regularly now for sure, or at least once I have moved in to my new apartment, new lifestyle, new life.
Good night, all.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Yes, here I am
Almost didn't blog tonight, but then I remembered I want to blog more.
So here's what's on the mind tonight:
What I did today.
Meditated, read a little bit from my current running book, took out the recycling,
went for a walk, had breakfast.
Went to work, worked, worked, worked.
Felt that my coworkers were being insensitive about straight men, but didn't say anything. More noting this as an incident of me not expressing myself than making a complaint.
Went to the library, checked out Foundation's Edge and I, Robot, as I am on an Asimov binge right now.
Got a radiator flush. There had been crap floating in my coolant refill tank. Gross.
Had dinner, consisting of salad, cheesy toast and stewed green peas, of which I made maybe 2 gallons last week and have been eating one scoop at a time at every meal.
Looked for places. Got a little discouraged at my options. Nonetheless wrote 3 e-mails, left one message and set up one visit for tomorrow. I have two scheduled so far.
Coded for an hour; Python Programming, Chapter 7, exercises 9 - 13. They mostly had to do with dates and calendars. Like calculating Easter for a given year. That kind of thing. In terms of computing skills, pretty basic, even for me, but it was good practice.
Blogging!
I'll be watching some Star Trek, reading, and then going to sleep.
I feel somewhat calm tonight, after feeling overwhelmed during work and when I got home. If I can ground myself, do something to clear my mind, I usually end up okay. I am making decent, steady progress in a thick, thick fog right now.
Good night, all.
So here's what's on the mind tonight:
What I did today.
Meditated, read a little bit from my current running book, took out the recycling,
went for a walk, had breakfast.
Went to work, worked, worked, worked.
Felt that my coworkers were being insensitive about straight men, but didn't say anything. More noting this as an incident of me not expressing myself than making a complaint.
Went to the library, checked out Foundation's Edge and I, Robot, as I am on an Asimov binge right now.
Got a radiator flush. There had been crap floating in my coolant refill tank. Gross.
Had dinner, consisting of salad, cheesy toast and stewed green peas, of which I made maybe 2 gallons last week and have been eating one scoop at a time at every meal.
Looked for places. Got a little discouraged at my options. Nonetheless wrote 3 e-mails, left one message and set up one visit for tomorrow. I have two scheduled so far.
Coded for an hour; Python Programming, Chapter 7, exercises 9 - 13. They mostly had to do with dates and calendars. Like calculating Easter for a given year. That kind of thing. In terms of computing skills, pretty basic, even for me, but it was good practice.
Blogging!
I'll be watching some Star Trek, reading, and then going to sleep.
I feel somewhat calm tonight, after feeling overwhelmed during work and when I got home. If I can ground myself, do something to clear my mind, I usually end up okay. I am making decent, steady progress in a thick, thick fog right now.
Good night, all.
Monday, September 5, 2011
For the Sake of Blogging
My 200th post is pretty mundane.
I feel weird today, so I'm blogging just for the sake of blogging, because I have nothing else to do, and I haven't blogged in a while.
Penelope left around 9:30 this morning, and, after meditating, I had a long breakfast, then cleaned up the kitchen a little. I've been going through all of my belongings, and it was time to finally organize my kitchen closet, the one I've had for over a year now and only today did I even think about organizing it. The shelves are a little too deep, so each shelf is a flood of barely navigable piles. I helped that a little bit. It'll be nice for about 3 weeks, when I move away.
After a little more cleaning, I went over my notes after from my conversation with Carl yesterday, a conversation about programming and computer science. The notes were mainly references to books and websites, and I organized them, putting them in places I'll easily find them again.
Next I searched online for a new tenugui and a new mouse. I found good hits for both. I'll be ordering a set of three new tenuguis pretty soon, once I review my Paypal info. As for the mouse - I find it kind of urgent, and I might just stop by CVS and/or Radio Shack and get something tolerable. Should have done this shopping back before I destroyed the mouse that is now sitting in my garbage can, but oh well. Coulda, shoulda, didna.
Now I'm going running.
By the way, some current plans:
1. Move to Albuquerque.
2. Live in Albuquerque for as long as it takes to apply to grad school in Canada.
3. Live and study in Canada, until I'm satisfied with my higher education.
4. Become self-employed and move somewhere else in the world. I'm thinking Scandinavia. I say Iceland, Penelope (who is interested in leaving the U.S. also) says Finland. I think somewhere in the middle would be okay, too.
5. Success and happiness in a post-American world.
Pretty simple. Also:
1. Write a Pattern Language for study of the self and healing of the soul.
2. Create a series of video games I've planned.
3. Master the violin.
4. Maybe write fiction? Maybe this is the real thing I need to be doing?
5. Figure myself out.
I'm going running now. Happy labor day, all!
I feel weird today, so I'm blogging just for the sake of blogging, because I have nothing else to do, and I haven't blogged in a while.
Penelope left around 9:30 this morning, and, after meditating, I had a long breakfast, then cleaned up the kitchen a little. I've been going through all of my belongings, and it was time to finally organize my kitchen closet, the one I've had for over a year now and only today did I even think about organizing it. The shelves are a little too deep, so each shelf is a flood of barely navigable piles. I helped that a little bit. It'll be nice for about 3 weeks, when I move away.
After a little more cleaning, I went over my notes after from my conversation with Carl yesterday, a conversation about programming and computer science. The notes were mainly references to books and websites, and I organized them, putting them in places I'll easily find them again.
Next I searched online for a new tenugui and a new mouse. I found good hits for both. I'll be ordering a set of three new tenuguis pretty soon, once I review my Paypal info. As for the mouse - I find it kind of urgent, and I might just stop by CVS and/or Radio Shack and get something tolerable. Should have done this shopping back before I destroyed the mouse that is now sitting in my garbage can, but oh well. Coulda, shoulda, didna.
Now I'm going running.
By the way, some current plans:
1. Move to Albuquerque.
2. Live in Albuquerque for as long as it takes to apply to grad school in Canada.
3. Live and study in Canada, until I'm satisfied with my higher education.
4. Become self-employed and move somewhere else in the world. I'm thinking Scandinavia. I say Iceland, Penelope (who is interested in leaving the U.S. also) says Finland. I think somewhere in the middle would be okay, too.
5. Success and happiness in a post-American world.
Pretty simple. Also:
1. Write a Pattern Language for study of the self and healing of the soul.
2. Create a series of video games I've planned.
3. Master the violin.
4. Maybe write fiction? Maybe this is the real thing I need to be doing?
5. Figure myself out.
I'm going running now. Happy labor day, all!
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Wash
Awash with feeling
What was not scheduled
Built up behind the dam
Of what wanted to stay in place
The resulting depth
Is exquisite.
What was not scheduled
Built up behind the dam
Of what wanted to stay in place
The resulting depth
Is exquisite.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose
Lots of changes have taken place and continue to take place in my life. This day has been full of strange surprises and surprising good decisions, and I'd like to share a little bit.
First, I stayed later at work than I believe I ever have, at least in a long while. Helping a client who needed time to talk to somebody for a long time. I simply could not brush this guy off. He is quite exceptional; he's being completely idiotic in many, many ways, but he's got an exceptional mind and a strong heart, although it's buried under quite a lot of pain and excuses and deceptions. It's a tough case with no clear solution for the long run. But, for the short run, I enjoyed talking to him, even though I realize that I was, to a certain extent, enabling him in his thread of misery. Such is the strange role of Case Manager, somewhere between therapist and bureaucrat and often something that is neither - often just a person sitting next to another person with no agenda. Sounds very zen, but one often ends up trying to do a lot, just being a person sitting next to that other person, and it's difficult to realize that no agenda is necessary.
But on to my personal life.
This afternoon, after a couple hours of dissipation, I decided to get to work on the transition from OSX to Ubuntu. The deed is done. I'm learning a lot already. Ubuntu has taken great strides in being user-friendly, but it is still far, far rougher and more challenging than Windows or Mac OS. I felt a little bit like I was leaving home and journeying off to college; leaving the next and flying. There was a tangible increase in responsibility. And it has been tremendously illuminating.
I won't go into details, but, as an example, when I first loaded Ubuntu, sound didn't work quite right. And there are so many discussions of so many problems related to sound on MacBooks running Ubuntu that I quickly realized I had to understand the problem better if I wanted to find a solution. So, after some experimentation of my own, I pinpointed the issue (some of the individual internal speakers had been set to mute as default, but not all of them) and found the solution (alsamixer). Now, not only do I have sound, but I understand the hardware of my computer better and have far more control of it than I ever had before. This is an excellent sort of challenge; I have chosen comfort for the sake of greater understanding and mastery.
And, yes, this is just about computers, and I think it's important. There is an emotional component to this, too, and I will be getting to that some other time. But focusing on computers, not just with Ubuntu but my resurrected interest in programming, gets me to understand what thinking is for much more clearly. I am an overthinker; mind has a great control over me; I rationalize and excuse and detach and do all the bad things that overthinkers do. Yet I don't think that focusing on computers again is sealing myself in that world. Rather, it's the opposite. By learning about computing, algorithms and analysis, I see how best to use the mind; see what the mind consists of; see what its boundaries are. Learning this is not only practical, helpful and healthy, but it allows me to separate healthy use of the mind from its improper usurption of the rest of my life.
At the same time, my violin practice has been blooming. I've had the fortunate experience of simultaneously glimpsing that I will never be perfect and that I am making steady, swift progress. Leaps and bounds, almost. I feel like I am approaching the level I was at when I stopped taking lessons. I don't think I'm there yet; maybe I'm not even as close as I think I am. But it would make sense that I am reaching that point quickly. I might even be doing some things better now. No: I in fact have done some things better, at least in little sparks and flashes here and there. I feel like a richer human being more in touch with his body and his feelings at 28 than I was at 19, when I stopped lessons. I should hope so.
This is an unusually long post. A lot has gone on, although I have just focused on for tonight. More is pending. But it feels good to be sharing again.
Good night, all.
First, I stayed later at work than I believe I ever have, at least in a long while. Helping a client who needed time to talk to somebody for a long time. I simply could not brush this guy off. He is quite exceptional; he's being completely idiotic in many, many ways, but he's got an exceptional mind and a strong heart, although it's buried under quite a lot of pain and excuses and deceptions. It's a tough case with no clear solution for the long run. But, for the short run, I enjoyed talking to him, even though I realize that I was, to a certain extent, enabling him in his thread of misery. Such is the strange role of Case Manager, somewhere between therapist and bureaucrat and often something that is neither - often just a person sitting next to another person with no agenda. Sounds very zen, but one often ends up trying to do a lot, just being a person sitting next to that other person, and it's difficult to realize that no agenda is necessary.
But on to my personal life.
This afternoon, after a couple hours of dissipation, I decided to get to work on the transition from OSX to Ubuntu. The deed is done. I'm learning a lot already. Ubuntu has taken great strides in being user-friendly, but it is still far, far rougher and more challenging than Windows or Mac OS. I felt a little bit like I was leaving home and journeying off to college; leaving the next and flying. There was a tangible increase in responsibility. And it has been tremendously illuminating.
I won't go into details, but, as an example, when I first loaded Ubuntu, sound didn't work quite right. And there are so many discussions of so many problems related to sound on MacBooks running Ubuntu that I quickly realized I had to understand the problem better if I wanted to find a solution. So, after some experimentation of my own, I pinpointed the issue (some of the individual internal speakers had been set to mute as default, but not all of them) and found the solution (alsamixer). Now, not only do I have sound, but I understand the hardware of my computer better and have far more control of it than I ever had before. This is an excellent sort of challenge; I have chosen comfort for the sake of greater understanding and mastery.
And, yes, this is just about computers, and I think it's important. There is an emotional component to this, too, and I will be getting to that some other time. But focusing on computers, not just with Ubuntu but my resurrected interest in programming, gets me to understand what thinking is for much more clearly. I am an overthinker; mind has a great control over me; I rationalize and excuse and detach and do all the bad things that overthinkers do. Yet I don't think that focusing on computers again is sealing myself in that world. Rather, it's the opposite. By learning about computing, algorithms and analysis, I see how best to use the mind; see what the mind consists of; see what its boundaries are. Learning this is not only practical, helpful and healthy, but it allows me to separate healthy use of the mind from its improper usurption of the rest of my life.
At the same time, my violin practice has been blooming. I've had the fortunate experience of simultaneously glimpsing that I will never be perfect and that I am making steady, swift progress. Leaps and bounds, almost. I feel like I am approaching the level I was at when I stopped taking lessons. I don't think I'm there yet; maybe I'm not even as close as I think I am. But it would make sense that I am reaching that point quickly. I might even be doing some things better now. No: I in fact have done some things better, at least in little sparks and flashes here and there. I feel like a richer human being more in touch with his body and his feelings at 28 than I was at 19, when I stopped lessons. I should hope so.
This is an unusually long post. A lot has gone on, although I have just focused on for tonight. More is pending. But it feels good to be sharing again.
Good night, all.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Ever forward, my darling wind
This quote popped into my mind as I began to blog tonight. It's from Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind, Volume 4.
Spoiler Alert (if you care).
It's the last lines spoken by Master Yupa as he dies, spoken to Nausicaa.
Without analyzing the entire set-up, basically Master Yupa has been a good friend to Nausicaa her whole life. He is a wandering, observing swordsman who has subtly and carefully protected Nausicaa and her people from a distance, offering what gifts of knowledge, support and insight he can. When the shit hits the fan and Nausicaa gets embroiled in the struggles of all the various empires to uncover ancient sources of power, he supports her fully, ultimately sacrificing himself so she can continue her efforts.
Complicated sci-fi / fantasy plots aside, what I get from this is a feeling that a part of me needs to perish before I can continue. I feel at this moment that Yupa is an old way of doing things and Nausicaa is a new, living, vibrant present response to the world. The old must perish. It can go out nobly or in terror and fear. Yupa was brave and keen, so his death was valuable and graceful, so it makes a pleasurable example, though it doesn't have to go that way, really.
The real issue is:
How do you prepare for a part of you to die?
I suppose the first step is recognition. I'm slowly getting to that point. At the moment, I'm mainly using literary sources: The Pathwork of Self-Transformation and Radical Honesty are my guides. Radical Honesty makes it look very simple: what needs to perish is every lie I have ever told, am telling and plan on telling. Simple, but excruciating. In a good way.
I feel like the mood for such a transformation is gathering in me like a slow weather pattern. I feel I have little control over it - nor should I have any, really. I do what I can. I am learning my limitations in this at the same time I learn what aren't really limitations. I could be living my life a lot differently. The question, though, is how much of it is me taking the right steps, and how much of it is me floating on the right current?
Forward.
Good night, all.
Spoiler Alert (if you care).
It's the last lines spoken by Master Yupa as he dies, spoken to Nausicaa.
Without analyzing the entire set-up, basically Master Yupa has been a good friend to Nausicaa her whole life. He is a wandering, observing swordsman who has subtly and carefully protected Nausicaa and her people from a distance, offering what gifts of knowledge, support and insight he can. When the shit hits the fan and Nausicaa gets embroiled in the struggles of all the various empires to uncover ancient sources of power, he supports her fully, ultimately sacrificing himself so she can continue her efforts.
Complicated sci-fi / fantasy plots aside, what I get from this is a feeling that a part of me needs to perish before I can continue. I feel at this moment that Yupa is an old way of doing things and Nausicaa is a new, living, vibrant present response to the world. The old must perish. It can go out nobly or in terror and fear. Yupa was brave and keen, so his death was valuable and graceful, so it makes a pleasurable example, though it doesn't have to go that way, really.
The real issue is:
How do you prepare for a part of you to die?
I suppose the first step is recognition. I'm slowly getting to that point. At the moment, I'm mainly using literary sources: The Pathwork of Self-Transformation and Radical Honesty are my guides. Radical Honesty makes it look very simple: what needs to perish is every lie I have ever told, am telling and plan on telling. Simple, but excruciating. In a good way.
I feel like the mood for such a transformation is gathering in me like a slow weather pattern. I feel I have little control over it - nor should I have any, really. I do what I can. I am learning my limitations in this at the same time I learn what aren't really limitations. I could be living my life a lot differently. The question, though, is how much of it is me taking the right steps, and how much of it is me floating on the right current?
Forward.
Good night, all.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Just a Moment
A moment of rest.
Nothing has been resolved in the matter I last wrote about. It has reached a state of less intensity, of calm and smoothness, but nothing has been settled, and there is much to do.
It might be a longer time than I thought, when I finally discuss this matter. It's important for me and important for everyone.
You'll have to settle for that.
In the meantime, I've been spending my "free" time resting, relaxing, regenerating due to an amount of stress. I have not undergone this rest in the most healthy way possible (little exercise - for which a minor knee injury is also largely responsible - bad eating, lots of Alpha-wave trance inducement), but it did its job, and I feel just about ready to move back into fuller energy.
Tomorrow is documentary night, so I will be back late and want to sleep. A possible post then, but it might not be until Sunday.
I'll take a moment to write down a sample what's going on in short phrases: inner work, dismantling the idealized self, creating a sacred list of goals and intentions, learning about my strengths, coming to grips with the core of need at the base of my Self. And, more concretely: figuring out how to track my goals, looking into higher education, finding teachers for the skills I want, cleaning things up, moving my apartment. There's more. It's in there.
Good night, all.
Nothing has been resolved in the matter I last wrote about. It has reached a state of less intensity, of calm and smoothness, but nothing has been settled, and there is much to do.
It might be a longer time than I thought, when I finally discuss this matter. It's important for me and important for everyone.
You'll have to settle for that.
In the meantime, I've been spending my "free" time resting, relaxing, regenerating due to an amount of stress. I have not undergone this rest in the most healthy way possible (little exercise - for which a minor knee injury is also largely responsible - bad eating, lots of Alpha-wave trance inducement), but it did its job, and I feel just about ready to move back into fuller energy.
Tomorrow is documentary night, so I will be back late and want to sleep. A possible post then, but it might not be until Sunday.
I'll take a moment to write down a sample what's going on in short phrases: inner work, dismantling the idealized self, creating a sacred list of goals and intentions, learning about my strengths, coming to grips with the core of need at the base of my Self. And, more concretely: figuring out how to track my goals, looking into higher education, finding teachers for the skills I want, cleaning things up, moving my apartment. There's more. It's in there.
Good night, all.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Crickets in catalpas, the cricket in the sage
A night that takes me outside into the neighborhood I have known only as a stress release on evening walks...
I am faced with a fairly huge decision I need to make by the morning. I cannot go into the details here. I have not decided what I am going to do. I don't feel I know myself and where my life is headed clearly enough to make a decision. That, in itself, makes me sway in one direction rather than the other, but I need to consider carefully.
I feel I am tasked now with taking the rudder of my life carefully in my hands. This requires caution - because what is truly free for me - or what might make me truly free - might not necessarily be very symbolically free. It might mean digging deeper into commitments I have made, for example.
I feel I could benefit from pulling myself in a little bit tonight - reading a nourishing book that could also clarify my life, doing some journaling. Recording my dream tomorrow morning.
I will go into somewhat more detail (but never full detail) about this decision, once everything is said and done. We'll see. Part of my anxiety tonight is that I don't feel I have the full picture in view - it bears some more exploration at the places I can learn more.
But that's enough. Being vague like this is not productive for me and not interesting for you.
Back to my evening.
Good night, all.
I am faced with a fairly huge decision I need to make by the morning. I cannot go into the details here. I have not decided what I am going to do. I don't feel I know myself and where my life is headed clearly enough to make a decision. That, in itself, makes me sway in one direction rather than the other, but I need to consider carefully.
I feel I am tasked now with taking the rudder of my life carefully in my hands. This requires caution - because what is truly free for me - or what might make me truly free - might not necessarily be very symbolically free. It might mean digging deeper into commitments I have made, for example.
I feel I could benefit from pulling myself in a little bit tonight - reading a nourishing book that could also clarify my life, doing some journaling. Recording my dream tomorrow morning.
I will go into somewhat more detail (but never full detail) about this decision, once everything is said and done. We'll see. Part of my anxiety tonight is that I don't feel I have the full picture in view - it bears some more exploration at the places I can learn more.
But that's enough. Being vague like this is not productive for me and not interesting for you.
Back to my evening.
Good night, all.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
The War on Not Blogging
Quick post tonight.
Just got back from documentary night at Taylor and Ayumi's place. It was a great evening; I enjoyed watching a movie and talking about it, especially since we all agreed we didn't like the movie. It felt like a very real and fruitful situation. I'm looking forward to more Doc Nights.
On the drive back home, they began to play Brahms' Fourth. I haven't listened to it in such a long time. I remember listening to all of his symphonies over and over again - even examining the scores - and I miss how I used to do that. Take time out of a today to listen to a 40 minute piece of music and be stirred and carried away by it, the way a movie or a book does.
Anyway, it's late.
Good night, all.
Just got back from documentary night at Taylor and Ayumi's place. It was a great evening; I enjoyed watching a movie and talking about it, especially since we all agreed we didn't like the movie. It felt like a very real and fruitful situation. I'm looking forward to more Doc Nights.
On the drive back home, they began to play Brahms' Fourth. I haven't listened to it in such a long time. I remember listening to all of his symphonies over and over again - even examining the scores - and I miss how I used to do that. Take time out of a today to listen to a 40 minute piece of music and be stirred and carried away by it, the way a movie or a book does.
Anyway, it's late.
Good night, all.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Another Shift Inwards
Today I continue to feel strange - almost as if I don't know what to do with these long evenings I've arranged for myself. My original plan - and my current work schedule for this week - was to try to work 9 - 5 Monday through Thursday and 9 - 1 on Friday. I would be giving myself time to exercise in the morning and to engage in other pursuits in the evening.
However, I'm not sure if I can really do that Monday - Thursday. It might just be Tuesday and Wednesday. We'll see. My current job is still a bit confusing - I'm feeling some definite tension with my new supervisor at the other Shelter, and we need to straighten some things out.
Although, I am loving my self-directed project management when I'm working in the administration office. I'm getting all kinds of ideas and - better yet - I am actually implementing the projects that I've been planning, and I've only had about 2 workdays-worth of these sessions so far. Everybody (who has responded to me) says that my online suggestion box / troubleshooting service is very appreciative - saying that it is something that was long needed.
This fact points out to me that all of my emphasis on organization and productivity is actually very helpful - when I am the only one deciding how I spend my time. I have been trying to adapt to the complexities of working at a homeless shelter with my workflow design, but I guess I'm not entirely there yet.
So back to how I feel at the moment. Restless, a little anxious, but mostly serene. I am feeling none of the resistance I normally feel to doing productive tasks - yet also significantly less motivation. At center, I feel disordered. It's a bit disconcerting, a bit incongruous. For example, I am reaching new heights with my running, and my new violin practice is progressing along nicely. Yet I feel no sense of accomplishment. Do I need to feel a sense of accomplishment? I guess it's not entirely necessary, but it's a good and helpful thing.
My instincts tell me this is a push inwards, a drawing of energy inwards. Simply: I am being tasked with spending more time with my feelings, perhaps my imagination.
As I type that, I feel a little resistance. It's almost like I'm holding on to a habit of feeling a certain way, of going through certain tasks and activities over the course of the evening. I want to feel the rush of avoiding responsibilities, of building something, accomplishing something. I don't want to open up tonight.
I think this will do for a daily blog entry - my mind is wandering. I have no idea what is coming next, what I want to do or how I will spend my time. Perhaps that's what's so unsettling?
Good night, all.
However, I'm not sure if I can really do that Monday - Thursday. It might just be Tuesday and Wednesday. We'll see. My current job is still a bit confusing - I'm feeling some definite tension with my new supervisor at the other Shelter, and we need to straighten some things out.
Although, I am loving my self-directed project management when I'm working in the administration office. I'm getting all kinds of ideas and - better yet - I am actually implementing the projects that I've been planning, and I've only had about 2 workdays-worth of these sessions so far. Everybody (who has responded to me) says that my online suggestion box / troubleshooting service is very appreciative - saying that it is something that was long needed.
This fact points out to me that all of my emphasis on organization and productivity is actually very helpful - when I am the only one deciding how I spend my time. I have been trying to adapt to the complexities of working at a homeless shelter with my workflow design, but I guess I'm not entirely there yet.
So back to how I feel at the moment. Restless, a little anxious, but mostly serene. I am feeling none of the resistance I normally feel to doing productive tasks - yet also significantly less motivation. At center, I feel disordered. It's a bit disconcerting, a bit incongruous. For example, I am reaching new heights with my running, and my new violin practice is progressing along nicely. Yet I feel no sense of accomplishment. Do I need to feel a sense of accomplishment? I guess it's not entirely necessary, but it's a good and helpful thing.
My instincts tell me this is a push inwards, a drawing of energy inwards. Simply: I am being tasked with spending more time with my feelings, perhaps my imagination.
As I type that, I feel a little resistance. It's almost like I'm holding on to a habit of feeling a certain way, of going through certain tasks and activities over the course of the evening. I want to feel the rush of avoiding responsibilities, of building something, accomplishing something. I don't want to open up tonight.
I think this will do for a daily blog entry - my mind is wandering. I have no idea what is coming next, what I want to do or how I will spend my time. Perhaps that's what's so unsettling?
Good night, all.
Another Shift Inwards
Today I continue to feel strange - almost as if I don't know what to do with these long evenings I've arranged for myself. My original plan - and my current work schedule for this week - was to try to work 9 - 5 Monday through Thursday and 9 - 1 on Friday. I would be giving myself time to exercise in the morning and to engage in other pursuits in the evening.
However, I'm not sure if I can really do that Monday - Thursday. It might just be Tuesday and Wednesday. We'll see. My current job is still a bit confusing - I'm feeling some definite tension with my new supervisor at the other Shelter, and we need to straighten some things out.
Although, I am loving my self-directed project management when I'm working in the administration office. I'm getting all kinds of ideas and - better yet - I am actually implementing the projects that I've been planning, and I've only had about 2 workdays-worth of these sessions so far. Everybody (who has responded to me) says that my online suggestion box / troubleshooting service is very appreciative - saying that it is something that was long needed.
This fact points out to me that all of my emphasis on organization and productivity is actually very helpful - when I am the only one deciding how I spend my time. I have been trying to adapt to the complexities of working at a homeless shelter with my workflow design, but I guess I'm not entirely there yet.
So back to how I feel at the moment. Restless, a little anxious, but mostly serene. I am feeling none of the resistance I normally feel to doing productive tasks - yet also significantly less motivation. At center, I feel disordered. It's a bit disconcerting, a bit incongruous. For example, I am reaching new heights with my running, and my new violin practice is progressing along nicely. Yet I feel no sense of accomplishment. Do I need to feel a sense of accomplishment? I guess it's not entirely necessary, but it's a good and helpful thing.
My instincts tell me this is a push inwards, a drawing of energy inwards. Simply: I am being tasked with spending more time with my feelings, perhaps my imagination.
As I type that, I feel a little resistance. It's almost like I'm holding on to a habit of feeling a certain way, of going through certain tasks and activities over the course of the evening. I want to feel the rush of avoiding responsibilities, of building something, accomplishing something. I don't want to open up tonight.
I think this will do for a daily blog entry - my mind is wandering. I have no idea what is coming next, what I want to do or how I will spend my time. Perhaps that's what's so unsettling?
Good night, all.
However, I'm not sure if I can really do that Monday - Thursday. It might just be Tuesday and Wednesday. We'll see. My current job is still a bit confusing - I'm feeling some definite tension with my new supervisor at the other Shelter, and we need to straighten some things out.
Although, I am loving my self-directed project management when I'm working in the administration office. I'm getting all kinds of ideas and - better yet - I am actually implementing the projects that I've been planning, and I've only had about 2 workdays-worth of these sessions so far. Everybody (who has responded to me) says that my online suggestion box / troubleshooting service is very appreciative - saying that it is something that was long needed.
This fact points out to me that all of my emphasis on organization and productivity is actually very helpful - when I am the only one deciding how I spend my time. I have been trying to adapt to the complexities of working at a homeless shelter with my workflow design, but I guess I'm not entirely there yet.
So back to how I feel at the moment. Restless, a little anxious, but mostly serene. I am feeling none of the resistance I normally feel to doing productive tasks - yet also significantly less motivation. At center, I feel disordered. It's a bit disconcerting, a bit incongruous. For example, I am reaching new heights with my running, and my new violin practice is progressing along nicely. Yet I feel no sense of accomplishment. Do I need to feel a sense of accomplishment? I guess it's not entirely necessary, but it's a good and helpful thing.
My instincts tell me this is a push inwards, a drawing of energy inwards. Simply: I am being tasked with spending more time with my feelings, perhaps my imagination.
As I type that, I feel a little resistance. It's almost like I'm holding on to a habit of feeling a certain way, of going through certain tasks and activities over the course of the evening. I want to feel the rush of avoiding responsibilities, of building something, accomplishing something. I don't want to open up tonight.
I think this will do for a daily blog entry - my mind is wandering. I have no idea what is coming next, what I want to do or how I will spend my time. Perhaps that's what's so unsettling?
Good night, all.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Pandora Pipes
(Title gleaned from my current music.)
A calm but somewhat directionless evening. I notice that I have a certain kind of faith that my new interest in focusing on violin and Chinese will bring me to a greater understand of my life. These two things might offer a method of psychic survival - furnish me with tools and arms against a complex, changing world.
I want to get back into looking at my life as a homestead, but I am not doing so quite so consciously now. I guess, in the spirit of the Homestead Act, I am doing a lot of good, hard work in improving the shelter I have recently been assigned to work at. I would like, someday, to augment that with a deeper knowledge and collaboration with the greater world. But I need to cultivate myself a little bit more to be a better receptacle.
I notice, at this moment, the very potent centering and focusing effect that writing has on me. It makes me consider how truly beneficial a large scale writing project would be for me . . .
But I will need to access it later. A feeling in my gut is telling me to slow down and stop. I am going to listen to this feeling that I might have struggled against in the past.
Good night, all.
A calm but somewhat directionless evening. I notice that I have a certain kind of faith that my new interest in focusing on violin and Chinese will bring me to a greater understand of my life. These two things might offer a method of psychic survival - furnish me with tools and arms against a complex, changing world.
I want to get back into looking at my life as a homestead, but I am not doing so quite so consciously now. I guess, in the spirit of the Homestead Act, I am doing a lot of good, hard work in improving the shelter I have recently been assigned to work at. I would like, someday, to augment that with a deeper knowledge and collaboration with the greater world. But I need to cultivate myself a little bit more to be a better receptacle.
I notice, at this moment, the very potent centering and focusing effect that writing has on me. It makes me consider how truly beneficial a large scale writing project would be for me . . .
But I will need to access it later. A feeling in my gut is telling me to slow down and stop. I am going to listen to this feeling that I might have struggled against in the past.
Good night, all.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Schedules, Time, Etc.
I find myself weighed down by the limitations of time and space. Part of the reason I have been thinking about these daily schedules is that I feel so pressed for time these days. In fact, I often get downright resentful of all of the things I have to do, even stuff I love doing, just because none of it seems to quite fit together properly. This feeling of being stressed, of not doing what I want to do, makes me susceptible to feeling like I want to throw it all aside, which eats up more time. A classic vicious cycle.
In three of the 4 schedules I posted, I was not working full time. However, in one, I was. Not only that, but I was engaging in regular activities outside of work, similar to now. Why did I feel more settled in my life then?
Here's something big: I didn't have internet in my apartment. Is that something I can handle today?
The other thing is that I didn't really care about as much stuff as I do now. I did not have endless lists of tasks tugging me in every direction. I didn't care about getting my finances perfectly in order. I had vague notions that I could be a better renter, a better car owner, that I might be happier putting together a garden and learning Japanese, but I didn't care as much. I was somewhat more invested in what I was doing at the time. Not that this was some idyllic state of grace - I was essentially the same person 4 years ago that I am now - but the world I created for myself was just a little different. For example, I spent much more time on the weekends to take long walks and think about my life - and this difference is worth noting.
Today, I am feeling much more like I need to relax than that I need to grow. The drive is still there, but it does not grip me as much.
This is a tendency I've had my whole life - this is nothing new. In fact, it's quite an interesting development to note that this state of feeling, this general mood and tendency to want to relax and not do anything seems to stand out more as I try to do more. It makes perfect sense. It's a "problem" now because I'm not swimming in it as much; it's not normal. This is a good way to be, since I am now more conscious of it. Bad, because, as yet, my relationship to this feeling is one of difference, estrangement, fear, frustration, animosity.
I know that this will only be a stage in a process - I will move on to other things.
This will be all for now, as I need to get going. But I'm positive I'll be coming back to this thread next time I write.
Great day, all.
In three of the 4 schedules I posted, I was not working full time. However, in one, I was. Not only that, but I was engaging in regular activities outside of work, similar to now. Why did I feel more settled in my life then?
Here's something big: I didn't have internet in my apartment. Is that something I can handle today?
The other thing is that I didn't really care about as much stuff as I do now. I did not have endless lists of tasks tugging me in every direction. I didn't care about getting my finances perfectly in order. I had vague notions that I could be a better renter, a better car owner, that I might be happier putting together a garden and learning Japanese, but I didn't care as much. I was somewhat more invested in what I was doing at the time. Not that this was some idyllic state of grace - I was essentially the same person 4 years ago that I am now - but the world I created for myself was just a little different. For example, I spent much more time on the weekends to take long walks and think about my life - and this difference is worth noting.
Today, I am feeling much more like I need to relax than that I need to grow. The drive is still there, but it does not grip me as much.
This is a tendency I've had my whole life - this is nothing new. In fact, it's quite an interesting development to note that this state of feeling, this general mood and tendency to want to relax and not do anything seems to stand out more as I try to do more. It makes perfect sense. It's a "problem" now because I'm not swimming in it as much; it's not normal. This is a good way to be, since I am now more conscious of it. Bad, because, as yet, my relationship to this feeling is one of difference, estrangement, fear, frustration, animosity.
I know that this will only be a stage in a process - I will move on to other things.
This will be all for now, as I need to get going. But I'm positive I'll be coming back to this thread next time I write.
Great day, all.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Two More Schedules
I'm going to continue the theme from yesterday.
3. This one is from the period of time I lived in a little apartment on Caminito de Norbert in Santa Fe. It lasted for the 6 months or so I worked at CleanAIR Systems, from November 2006 - May 2007. I had a lot going on in the evenings, so after 4:00 pm things diverge.
6:00 Wake up to Democracy Now on the Radio.
6:00 - 7:00 Sloooooow wake-up and breakfast, listening to the Radio the whole time. Breakfast was usually Flax Plus cereal with soy milk and a scoop of Spirutein mixed in - plus a glass of orange juice.
7:00 - 7:10 - Wash up, get dressed, brush teeth.
7:10 - 7:30 Drive to work.
7:30 - 4:00 Work.
4:00 - 4:20 Drive home. (Mon, Tues, Wed, Fri). Thursday: 4:00 - 4:20. Drive to St. E's. 4:20 - 8:00. Be front desk volunteer.
4:20 - 5:00 Relax. Jog (sometimes). Shower. (This was one of the few times in my life in Santa Fe I showered every day - my job got me pretty nasty fairly consistently.)
5:00 - 7:00 Monday only: cook dinner, eat. Tuesday, Wednesday: read, relax, write.
7:00 - between 9:30 and 10:30 Monday: read. Tuesday: Taiko practice. Wednesday: Pint night at Blue Corn with friends.
10:30 - 11:00 Sleep.
Sundays had a bit of a pattern, too. I would consistently do laundry and do grocery shopping late Sunday afternoon and cook a meal Sunday night, with a lot of reading before bed.
I did not have an internet connection at home, so I would usually check my e-mail on Saturday mornings at the library - did that pretty consistently.
4. The last one is from around October 2008 - December of the same year. Not a long time, but it was the last time I really had a daily schedule I followed and flourished under (a little). This was an intense, dark and strange part of my life that yielded a lot of highs and lows. The schedule went something like this:
8:00 Wake up.
8:00 - 8:30 Wake up slow; mess around on internet.
8:30 - 9:00 Calisthenics in the room.
9:00 - 9:30 Breakfast
9:30 - 10:30 Practice piano.
10:30 - 11:30 Read.
11:30 - 12:00 Lunch.
12:00 - 12:45 Watch tv, play computer games (if driving). If walking, begin walk to work at 12:15.
1:00 - 5:00 Work.
5:00 - 5:15 or 5:45. Return from work, whether driving or walking.
6:00 - 6:30 More piano.
6:30 - 7:00 Dinner.
7:00 - 12:00 Watch movie, relax, play video games, sometimes read.
--
It has been fruitful to write these out. There might be a couple more coming, but maybe tomorrow I'd like to spend a minute or so writing about what this all means to me. It's nothing particularly surprising or clever or anything; it just gets me thinking about my past, what decisions I've made in my life, and what I've made of it.
Good night, all.
3. This one is from the period of time I lived in a little apartment on Caminito de Norbert in Santa Fe. It lasted for the 6 months or so I worked at CleanAIR Systems, from November 2006 - May 2007. I had a lot going on in the evenings, so after 4:00 pm things diverge.
6:00 Wake up to Democracy Now on the Radio.
6:00 - 7:00 Sloooooow wake-up and breakfast, listening to the Radio the whole time. Breakfast was usually Flax Plus cereal with soy milk and a scoop of Spirutein mixed in - plus a glass of orange juice.
7:00 - 7:10 - Wash up, get dressed, brush teeth.
7:10 - 7:30 Drive to work.
7:30 - 4:00 Work.
4:00 - 4:20 Drive home. (Mon, Tues, Wed, Fri). Thursday: 4:00 - 4:20. Drive to St. E's. 4:20 - 8:00. Be front desk volunteer.
4:20 - 5:00 Relax. Jog (sometimes). Shower. (This was one of the few times in my life in Santa Fe I showered every day - my job got me pretty nasty fairly consistently.)
5:00 - 7:00 Monday only: cook dinner, eat. Tuesday, Wednesday: read, relax, write.
7:00 - between 9:30 and 10:30 Monday: read. Tuesday: Taiko practice. Wednesday: Pint night at Blue Corn with friends.
10:30 - 11:00 Sleep.
Sundays had a bit of a pattern, too. I would consistently do laundry and do grocery shopping late Sunday afternoon and cook a meal Sunday night, with a lot of reading before bed.
I did not have an internet connection at home, so I would usually check my e-mail on Saturday mornings at the library - did that pretty consistently.
4. The last one is from around October 2008 - December of the same year. Not a long time, but it was the last time I really had a daily schedule I followed and flourished under (a little). This was an intense, dark and strange part of my life that yielded a lot of highs and lows. The schedule went something like this:
8:00 Wake up.
8:00 - 8:30 Wake up slow; mess around on internet.
8:30 - 9:00 Calisthenics in the room.
9:00 - 9:30 Breakfast
9:30 - 10:30 Practice piano.
10:30 - 11:30 Read.
11:30 - 12:00 Lunch.
12:00 - 12:45 Watch tv, play computer games (if driving). If walking, begin walk to work at 12:15.
1:00 - 5:00 Work.
5:00 - 5:15 or 5:45. Return from work, whether driving or walking.
6:00 - 6:30 More piano.
6:30 - 7:00 Dinner.
7:00 - 12:00 Watch movie, relax, play video games, sometimes read.
--
It has been fruitful to write these out. There might be a couple more coming, but maybe tomorrow I'd like to spend a minute or so writing about what this all means to me. It's nothing particularly surprising or clever or anything; it just gets me thinking about my past, what decisions I've made in my life, and what I've made of it.
Good night, all.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Two Schedules
Tonight I'm just going to publish two daily schedules from my past. I don't have the time or energy to discuss my motive at the moment - hopefully it will be made clearer as future posts discuss similar topics.
The first is from the summer of 1997, when I was 14. This is a weekday schedule.
7:00 Wake up
7:00 - 8:00 Do reading assignment (O.R.), with T.V on in the background.
8:00 - 9:00 Breakfast. Play video games.
9:00 - 10:00 Practice violin.
10:00 - 12:00 Go to the gym.
12:00 - 1:00 Lunch.
1:00 - 2:00 Study Latin.
2:00 - 5:00 Read.
5:00 - 6:00 Video games.
6:00 - 7:00 Dinner with family.
7:00 - 8:00 Practice violin.
8:00 - 9:00 Write.
9:00 - 11:00 Video games.
11:00 Sleep
I played a lot of video games, watched a lot of t.v., learned latin, read tons, got plenty of exercise and got really good at the violin in a short period of time. Not a bad use of my time. I usually spent the weekends with friends, who were doing other things during the week, or who went to camp during large portions of it. This wasn't all that I did this summer, but it was a huge chunk of it. I took a few trips, including one to San Francisco to stay with my brother for a little while.
Schedule 2. This one changed up a lot but was mostly consistent. This was during 2004 - 2005, when I was 21 and 22 and teaching in China.
6:00 Wake up.
6:00 - 6:20 Stretching, basic exercises, getting dressed.
6:20 - 6:30 Going to the cafeteria to grab breakfast.
6:30 - 8:00 Eat breakfast, have tea, mess around on the internet, play video games.
8:00 - 9:30 First class of the day.
9:30 - 10:30 Break in the foreign teachers' lounge. Chat with other teachers, read, use internet, plan lessons.
10:30 - 12:00 Second class.
12:00 - 12:30 Lunch in teachers' cafeteria.
12:30 - 2:30 Siesta - reading and napping.
2:30 - 4:00 Third class.
4:00 - 5:00 Running on the track, shower, sometimes ping pong.
5:00 - 6:00 Relaxing. Sometimes, but not often enough, studying Chinese.
6:00 - 7:00 Dinner in the restaurants down the street with other teachers
7:00 - 10:00 Any combination of different things - watching movies with other teachers, watching movies alone, messing around on the internet, video games, reading, writing.
I was not very "productive" on this schedule, but I remember feeling very rooted and settled and, when I allowed it to blossom, a very strong push to be deeply creative.
That will be all for tonight. Take care, all.
The first is from the summer of 1997, when I was 14. This is a weekday schedule.
7:00 Wake up
7:00 - 8:00 Do reading assignment (O.R.), with T.V on in the background.
8:00 - 9:00 Breakfast. Play video games.
9:00 - 10:00 Practice violin.
10:00 - 12:00 Go to the gym.
12:00 - 1:00 Lunch.
1:00 - 2:00 Study Latin.
2:00 - 5:00 Read.
5:00 - 6:00 Video games.
6:00 - 7:00 Dinner with family.
7:00 - 8:00 Practice violin.
8:00 - 9:00 Write.
9:00 - 11:00 Video games.
11:00 Sleep
I played a lot of video games, watched a lot of t.v., learned latin, read tons, got plenty of exercise and got really good at the violin in a short period of time. Not a bad use of my time. I usually spent the weekends with friends, who were doing other things during the week, or who went to camp during large portions of it. This wasn't all that I did this summer, but it was a huge chunk of it. I took a few trips, including one to San Francisco to stay with my brother for a little while.
Schedule 2. This one changed up a lot but was mostly consistent. This was during 2004 - 2005, when I was 21 and 22 and teaching in China.
6:00 Wake up.
6:00 - 6:20 Stretching, basic exercises, getting dressed.
6:20 - 6:30 Going to the cafeteria to grab breakfast.
6:30 - 8:00 Eat breakfast, have tea, mess around on the internet, play video games.
8:00 - 9:30 First class of the day.
9:30 - 10:30 Break in the foreign teachers' lounge. Chat with other teachers, read, use internet, plan lessons.
10:30 - 12:00 Second class.
12:00 - 12:30 Lunch in teachers' cafeteria.
12:30 - 2:30 Siesta - reading and napping.
2:30 - 4:00 Third class.
4:00 - 5:00 Running on the track, shower, sometimes ping pong.
5:00 - 6:00 Relaxing. Sometimes, but not often enough, studying Chinese.
6:00 - 7:00 Dinner in the restaurants down the street with other teachers
7:00 - 10:00 Any combination of different things - watching movies with other teachers, watching movies alone, messing around on the internet, video games, reading, writing.
I was not very "productive" on this schedule, but I remember feeling very rooted and settled and, when I allowed it to blossom, a very strong push to be deeply creative.
That will be all for tonight. Take care, all.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Last Watch
I'm a little bit wakeful right now. Actually, a little less wakeful than when I decided to get the computer out. But I have a little to say.
This morning I decided I was going to wait no longer. There are a million things I'm interested in. I want to narrow it down just the tiniest bit. Just the most minimal diminution from endless possibilities to at least a couple vague areas of focus. Practically speaking, this means I am fed up with putting off practicing languages and music. From now on, these things are going to be part of my life. I'm going to consider it part of my health. Engaging in these activities are now considered medicine to me, and I will only forgo them knowing that I am diminishing myself.
Practically speaking, this meant playing violin - relatively in earnest - and starting to review the Chinese I know. I will know I'm for real once I have reached and surpassed my last highest point of fluency in both of these. For violin, this means fully finishing Suzuki Book 6. For Chinese, this means finishing Chapter 22 of my text book. I think I can do this.
And, if I happen to slip with either of these things, I have alternative areas of focus. For music, I can play the accordion. For language, I can focus on Latin.
I thought for a while that I ought to focus on Spanish, because it's the most useful foreign language for me to know and the foreign language I am most proficient in. But I ultimately decided not to because 1. I naturally learn a little bit every week, due to work necessities 2. It has not captured my heart like these other languages. I settled on Chinese as my first choice because it has the best balance of personal interest and practicality. Latin is not imminently practical, but it is my favorite foreign language, and it gets me to a good place when I practice it.
Now, beyond these areas of focus, there is more.
First, most simply, is another discipline that will be forthcoming. Creative writing. I need to get into it, live it, begin working in earnest again.
Second, a deeper spiritual and psychological healing. I will be looking into places to dive into this farther than I have been. In many ways, studying language and art is furnishing myself with tools for understanding myself better. These are important accoutrements to the fuller life I wish I was living.
Abby and I agree that, somehow, visiting Machu Picchu has helped us to regain a certain focus in our lives - a slight dropping off in interest in what has been non-essential for us. Mystical power, coincidence, placebo effect - whatever - it's going, and let's see where it goes.
Good night, all.
This morning I decided I was going to wait no longer. There are a million things I'm interested in. I want to narrow it down just the tiniest bit. Just the most minimal diminution from endless possibilities to at least a couple vague areas of focus. Practically speaking, this means I am fed up with putting off practicing languages and music. From now on, these things are going to be part of my life. I'm going to consider it part of my health. Engaging in these activities are now considered medicine to me, and I will only forgo them knowing that I am diminishing myself.
Practically speaking, this meant playing violin - relatively in earnest - and starting to review the Chinese I know. I will know I'm for real once I have reached and surpassed my last highest point of fluency in both of these. For violin, this means fully finishing Suzuki Book 6. For Chinese, this means finishing Chapter 22 of my text book. I think I can do this.
And, if I happen to slip with either of these things, I have alternative areas of focus. For music, I can play the accordion. For language, I can focus on Latin.
I thought for a while that I ought to focus on Spanish, because it's the most useful foreign language for me to know and the foreign language I am most proficient in. But I ultimately decided not to because 1. I naturally learn a little bit every week, due to work necessities 2. It has not captured my heart like these other languages. I settled on Chinese as my first choice because it has the best balance of personal interest and practicality. Latin is not imminently practical, but it is my favorite foreign language, and it gets me to a good place when I practice it.
Now, beyond these areas of focus, there is more.
First, most simply, is another discipline that will be forthcoming. Creative writing. I need to get into it, live it, begin working in earnest again.
Second, a deeper spiritual and psychological healing. I will be looking into places to dive into this farther than I have been. In many ways, studying language and art is furnishing myself with tools for understanding myself better. These are important accoutrements to the fuller life I wish I was living.
Abby and I agree that, somehow, visiting Machu Picchu has helped us to regain a certain focus in our lives - a slight dropping off in interest in what has been non-essential for us. Mystical power, coincidence, placebo effect - whatever - it's going, and let's see where it goes.
Good night, all.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Volver
I am back in Santa Fe. Not only am I reeling from my trip on the other side of the world, in a new continent, a new hemisphere, but the world I have returned to seems suddenly different, almost as if I had time-travelled and inalterably changed history.
My apartment is different, my room is different, the Shelter is different. I have a new job. I will have to move again - not sure exactly when. My work schedule is different. The sky is different. The air is different.
And here I am, doubtless as different to the world as it is to me.
I look at this as a gift; a chance to realign, adjust and transform my life. It is just about a year since my life changed, parting with Alexa, starting my new job, finding this apartment. And now it's all going to change again. Strange.
I am not a whole-sale customer of astrology, but I do find it interesting that this happens after experiencing my second winter solstice this year. What does that mean, astrologically? I have no idea. Though it definitely feels like the end of a year, rather than its zenith.
I couldn't possibly describe everything that is going on right now in general. I'll just string a few facts together.
I've been feeling ill off and on since Saturday, my last full day in Cusco, and today, at work, my ear began to feel really inflamed. I think I have an infection. I left work early to get some relaxation in, and I feel a bit better after some napping, some Emergen-C and some calm internet dickering.
I'm going to spend the next 2 hours doing some gentle house cleaning and looking at my car. Mary forgot to check the battery, so I have good reason to expect it to be dead. We'll see.
I feel ready for changes. When I met Runa on Monday night, I told her that maybe what all the setbacks in my trip to Peru had taught me is that I am, in fact, ready to be me. Everything that backfired on me was, in the beginning, a compromise. An acceptance of something I didn't really want.
Runa asserts that nobody can afford to hide themselves right now; the world needs everyone to provide what they can. I agree, adding that hiding is impossible. There is nowhere to hide. That I am hiding is a delusion, a way of making myself feel secure.
What I mean is that what is inside me affects everyone. If I am not providing it, then I am doing them a disservice. It won't go unnoticed. I can't just slip away and be a cipher. It's impossible. If I am not offering myself, no matter how kindly and politely I conduct myself, I am cheating people. If I don't get the healing I need, I will be toxic to myself and others. It needs to happen. I can't delay. I can't slip into anesthesia, which is not a positive pleasure of something substantial, as much as it is a rejection of opening myself up.
Good words. But can I walk this path? What are the pitfalls? What makes me delay, avoid, withdraw? Adelante.
My apartment is different, my room is different, the Shelter is different. I have a new job. I will have to move again - not sure exactly when. My work schedule is different. The sky is different. The air is different.
And here I am, doubtless as different to the world as it is to me.
I look at this as a gift; a chance to realign, adjust and transform my life. It is just about a year since my life changed, parting with Alexa, starting my new job, finding this apartment. And now it's all going to change again. Strange.
I am not a whole-sale customer of astrology, but I do find it interesting that this happens after experiencing my second winter solstice this year. What does that mean, astrologically? I have no idea. Though it definitely feels like the end of a year, rather than its zenith.
I couldn't possibly describe everything that is going on right now in general. I'll just string a few facts together.
I've been feeling ill off and on since Saturday, my last full day in Cusco, and today, at work, my ear began to feel really inflamed. I think I have an infection. I left work early to get some relaxation in, and I feel a bit better after some napping, some Emergen-C and some calm internet dickering.
I'm going to spend the next 2 hours doing some gentle house cleaning and looking at my car. Mary forgot to check the battery, so I have good reason to expect it to be dead. We'll see.
I feel ready for changes. When I met Runa on Monday night, I told her that maybe what all the setbacks in my trip to Peru had taught me is that I am, in fact, ready to be me. Everything that backfired on me was, in the beginning, a compromise. An acceptance of something I didn't really want.
Runa asserts that nobody can afford to hide themselves right now; the world needs everyone to provide what they can. I agree, adding that hiding is impossible. There is nowhere to hide. That I am hiding is a delusion, a way of making myself feel secure.
What I mean is that what is inside me affects everyone. If I am not providing it, then I am doing them a disservice. It won't go unnoticed. I can't just slip away and be a cipher. It's impossible. If I am not offering myself, no matter how kindly and politely I conduct myself, I am cheating people. If I don't get the healing I need, I will be toxic to myself and others. It needs to happen. I can't delay. I can't slip into anesthesia, which is not a positive pleasure of something substantial, as much as it is a rejection of opening myself up.
Good words. But can I walk this path? What are the pitfalls? What makes me delay, avoid, withdraw? Adelante.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Another quick check-in
It has been a long time, but I want to add a little bit of life into this blog at least a couple times before my big trip.
What am I working on now?
I've just bought a bunch of supplies. A lot in the pharmaceutical department. Figuring out exactly what vaccines are necessary has been a difficult process. From my perspective, it appears that everyone who has given me advice has been either too cautious or too careless. What's the proper middle ground? Knowledge that combines an understanding of the risks of infection with an experiential knowledge of the area and how people get along there. I only seem to get one at a time. I'd like to document what I discover, once I'm back, to help future travelers deal with this issue.
I am still working on Couchsurfing plans. I'm having strange luck with Lima - considering the sheer volume of denials I've been getting with a line at the end to the effect of "There are lots of couchsurfers in Lima - someone can host you." I might need to just book a hostel; won't be too terrible.
Workflowy continues to be the blessing that it is.
I don't have the energy or time right now to get into my general state of feeling the past couple weeks. It's been good, is all I can say. I've had a few highnotes - two Mondays ago was fantastic. So was this past Wednesday. Combined with a lot of good changes in my life, a great girlfriend, and this upcoming adventure. More to follow.
Have a great night, all.
What am I working on now?
I've just bought a bunch of supplies. A lot in the pharmaceutical department. Figuring out exactly what vaccines are necessary has been a difficult process. From my perspective, it appears that everyone who has given me advice has been either too cautious or too careless. What's the proper middle ground? Knowledge that combines an understanding of the risks of infection with an experiential knowledge of the area and how people get along there. I only seem to get one at a time. I'd like to document what I discover, once I'm back, to help future travelers deal with this issue.
I am still working on Couchsurfing plans. I'm having strange luck with Lima - considering the sheer volume of denials I've been getting with a line at the end to the effect of "There are lots of couchsurfers in Lima - someone can host you." I might need to just book a hostel; won't be too terrible.
Workflowy continues to be the blessing that it is.
I don't have the energy or time right now to get into my general state of feeling the past couple weeks. It's been good, is all I can say. I've had a few highnotes - two Mondays ago was fantastic. So was this past Wednesday. Combined with a lot of good changes in my life, a great girlfriend, and this upcoming adventure. More to follow.
Have a great night, all.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Spirals of tension
Tensions unroll themselves today. I feel emotionally placid, free, open this morning, but physically taut.
I'm putting the final touches on my laptop before I let it go - it's just taking the time required to learn how to use Ubuntu and get my missing 'r' key accommodated for. Not an easy task - I shouldn't have expected it to be too easy.
I go to bed with an extremely sore neck. I have a dry mouth, but that can be easily remedied.
I have outgrown my current diet, and I need to look to either look for something else or polish the pattern a little bit more. I stopped the search for a decent protein powder - though I must admit that it was a central component to the whole process. I just felt so much more lean, cleaner and trimmer when I had that protein jolt in the morning.
Threads remain to combine; they will sit in loose ends as I sink into my evening rest.
Good night, all.
I'm putting the final touches on my laptop before I let it go - it's just taking the time required to learn how to use Ubuntu and get my missing 'r' key accommodated for. Not an easy task - I shouldn't have expected it to be too easy.
I go to bed with an extremely sore neck. I have a dry mouth, but that can be easily remedied.
I have outgrown my current diet, and I need to look to either look for something else or polish the pattern a little bit more. I stopped the search for a decent protein powder - though I must admit that it was a central component to the whole process. I just felt so much more lean, cleaner and trimmer when I had that protein jolt in the morning.
Threads remain to combine; they will sit in loose ends as I sink into my evening rest.
Good night, all.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
New Toy
With the help of my friend Storm, I've been introduced to a new organizational toy: Workflowy.
The design is beautiful. It provides a good reference point for what I've been working on in terms of productivity. As the name suggests, the physical and logical elements of the design give it a good feeling of flow. I like it better than Evernote because of this. It really does "sync" with my brain much better. Will it really be useful? Time will tell.
As someone who practices Zen might learn to expect, any sense of progress I have these days does not come from accomplishing goals with more flourish and elan, but rather from better observation and a more ubiquitous feeling of quiet and repose in everything I do. For example, I went running today, and it was probably the best run I've ever had. I'm sure there were lots of physical factors, such as the time of day, exactly what I had eaten, the clothes I was wearing, etc., that influenced how I felt, but, from another perspective, it's just time for me to start enjoying running more.
As for who I am, I feel incrementally more satisfied with that. I do feel a bit of grief this evening do to a communication mishap with Penelope; I think it will probably be okay, but I am torn up over it. It's something that has happened before: my text message inbox got too full, and I missed a bunch of text messages. What happened this time, was that I missed a number of invitations to get back together with her after an unusually short weekend. I didn't read them until it was way too late.
This would be a good situation to sit with my feelings, which I'll do in a moment. I feel some guilt, as usual, but this would be a good opportunity to let go of the guilt feelings in an effort to open up to something larger. I do not only feel guilt. I really am upset at the fact that we missed this chance to be together again - I mourn it. It would have been a good time. I don't have to regret what I did; just sit with that feeling of loss. It can be bitter and sweet.
Good night, all.
The design is beautiful. It provides a good reference point for what I've been working on in terms of productivity. As the name suggests, the physical and logical elements of the design give it a good feeling of flow. I like it better than Evernote because of this. It really does "sync" with my brain much better. Will it really be useful? Time will tell.
As someone who practices Zen might learn to expect, any sense of progress I have these days does not come from accomplishing goals with more flourish and elan, but rather from better observation and a more ubiquitous feeling of quiet and repose in everything I do. For example, I went running today, and it was probably the best run I've ever had. I'm sure there were lots of physical factors, such as the time of day, exactly what I had eaten, the clothes I was wearing, etc., that influenced how I felt, but, from another perspective, it's just time for me to start enjoying running more.
As for who I am, I feel incrementally more satisfied with that. I do feel a bit of grief this evening do to a communication mishap with Penelope; I think it will probably be okay, but I am torn up over it. It's something that has happened before: my text message inbox got too full, and I missed a bunch of text messages. What happened this time, was that I missed a number of invitations to get back together with her after an unusually short weekend. I didn't read them until it was way too late.
This would be a good situation to sit with my feelings, which I'll do in a moment. I feel some guilt, as usual, but this would be a good opportunity to let go of the guilt feelings in an effort to open up to something larger. I do not only feel guilt. I really am upset at the fact that we missed this chance to be together again - I mourn it. It would have been a good time. I don't have to regret what I did; just sit with that feeling of loss. It can be bitter and sweet.
Good night, all.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Still uncoiling
I continue to focus on how I spend my time; what underlying beliefs I have that make me choose one activity over another; how different activities have different influences; that is, maybe one thing leads to another. How "time wasting" activities tend to enforce more; how doing things like cleaning or focused relaxing opens me up more.
This is all a good process. Not quite as instantaneous, "pull myself up by my own bootstraps" as the childish expectation to be completely in control would have it. But the slow and effective process of observing, asking myself questions, keeping myself on my toes, learning to allow feelings to take up the space that they need to produce a fertile hour, day, week.
Little work this evening; but, then again, I never really wanted to use these evenings for being productive. I need to honor that decision I made a while back and not keep trying to fill up the time with activities. Certainly not burden myself with the notion that I should be doing something I don't really need to do right now.
What I need to focus on more is getting proper rest. At this point, at this hour, I can only hope that I will get enough rest for tomorrow, which promises to be another long, full day. In a good way.
Good night, all.
This is all a good process. Not quite as instantaneous, "pull myself up by my own bootstraps" as the childish expectation to be completely in control would have it. But the slow and effective process of observing, asking myself questions, keeping myself on my toes, learning to allow feelings to take up the space that they need to produce a fertile hour, day, week.
Little work this evening; but, then again, I never really wanted to use these evenings for being productive. I need to honor that decision I made a while back and not keep trying to fill up the time with activities. Certainly not burden myself with the notion that I should be doing something I don't really need to do right now.
What I need to focus on more is getting proper rest. At this point, at this hour, I can only hope that I will get enough rest for tomorrow, which promises to be another long, full day. In a good way.
Good night, all.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Just the facts
I'm still working on a budget for the trip - I'm pretty close to finished, and it looks like I don't have much to worry about. Plans are settled for the Salkantay trek after all - any doubts I had have been allayed - and it's time to look at Cusco accommodation.
Spanish and Quechua study have gone by the wayside this week, for some reason. Lack of free time in the evenings is a big culprit.
I've been a little ill this week; I feel a little sick even now, stomach complaint (rumbly and unstable) combined with a little bit of a sinus headache and an over-mucusy throat. I've shaken off worse things, but who knows? It could develop. I'm going to make sure I get enough water and then turn in on time (in 6 minutes).
I'm working on all these immediate things, but what about my future? I'd like to at least get through all the career information packets that Sam gave me before the end of the month. Then I'll have a month of travel to gain some good perspective on my life. That's largely what it's good for, right?
Good night, all.
Spanish and Quechua study have gone by the wayside this week, for some reason. Lack of free time in the evenings is a big culprit.
I've been a little ill this week; I feel a little sick even now, stomach complaint (rumbly and unstable) combined with a little bit of a sinus headache and an over-mucusy throat. I've shaken off worse things, but who knows? It could develop. I'm going to make sure I get enough water and then turn in on time (in 6 minutes).
I'm working on all these immediate things, but what about my future? I'd like to at least get through all the career information packets that Sam gave me before the end of the month. Then I'll have a month of travel to gain some good perspective on my life. That's largely what it's good for, right?
Good night, all.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Uncoiled
Faced with the prospect of so much work undone, so much to do. For my trip, for my future, with my computer, with my bedroom, with my car, with my money, with my accordion, with Spanish, with an endless list of activities, properties and projects;
Faced with the knowledge that whatever I mean when I talk of myself, in the conventional, ego-based way, I am here only temporarily, only once;
Faced with the endless possibilities of love and openness, of a deep, stark potential to grow and understand;
I am happy with the knowledge that I can get to bed earlier than normal and spend some time reading.
--
I've had a wonderful weekend. No huge bursts of change or productivity. Just subtle and powerful influences from beautiful places and people.
Red Canyon Reserve has always caught my eye, but now I am positive it is one of my favorite places in the whole world. What would it take for me to hang out there more? The next workshop is October 8 - 10. Will I sign up?
I am resting quietly tonight. There has been a frustrating development in my Peru plans; I don't want to write about it until I get more information. It's not anything tragic, but it does force me to slow things down when I have little time in which to plan. More later.
My biggest focus right now is on my budget. Slowly I've been figuring out what I want to do with myself; at the same time, I'm learning Mint. It's a slow process. Hopefully I'll have about an hour tomorrow morning to work on it. We'll see.
Finally, Penelope recommends that I learn to indulge myself a little more, in more nurturing ways than I have in the past. At the same time, I'm trying to wean myself off of unnecessary mind-numbing activities. I would like to find a kind of pleasure that I have been ignoring - the pleasure of slowness and anticipation and just being somewhere. It will be quite a job, carving out room for that kind of pleasure in an already crowded interior space. But I am slowly equipping myself for the job.
Good night, all.
Faced with the knowledge that whatever I mean when I talk of myself, in the conventional, ego-based way, I am here only temporarily, only once;
Faced with the endless possibilities of love and openness, of a deep, stark potential to grow and understand;
I am happy with the knowledge that I can get to bed earlier than normal and spend some time reading.
--
I've had a wonderful weekend. No huge bursts of change or productivity. Just subtle and powerful influences from beautiful places and people.
Red Canyon Reserve has always caught my eye, but now I am positive it is one of my favorite places in the whole world. What would it take for me to hang out there more? The next workshop is October 8 - 10. Will I sign up?
I am resting quietly tonight. There has been a frustrating development in my Peru plans; I don't want to write about it until I get more information. It's not anything tragic, but it does force me to slow things down when I have little time in which to plan. More later.
My biggest focus right now is on my budget. Slowly I've been figuring out what I want to do with myself; at the same time, I'm learning Mint. It's a slow process. Hopefully I'll have about an hour tomorrow morning to work on it. We'll see.
Finally, Penelope recommends that I learn to indulge myself a little more, in more nurturing ways than I have in the past. At the same time, I'm trying to wean myself off of unnecessary mind-numbing activities. I would like to find a kind of pleasure that I have been ignoring - the pleasure of slowness and anticipation and just being somewhere. It will be quite a job, carving out room for that kind of pleasure in an already crowded interior space. But I am slowly equipping myself for the job.
Good night, all.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Descanso
I am going to rest a bit, gradually ease into bed tonight.
It was a productive evening; I brought my macbook out into the living room and did some good planning / correspondance in a more peaceful setting. My desk needs some more Feng Shui work.
I feel a little pressure about Peru, but I'm making progress.
I think if I really make an effort, I can both stay sane and get a tremendous amount done before my trip.
One good development is that Zen might be switching before long; instead of Wednesday nights it will be 2 hours on Thursday Nights and 90 minutes early Monday morning, like around 6 or so. At first that turned me off a little bit, but actually that would be a great way to start my week, and maybe a great way to help set the tone for waking up with energy.
Good, quiet developments.
Beautiful night, all.
It was a productive evening; I brought my macbook out into the living room and did some good planning / correspondance in a more peaceful setting. My desk needs some more Feng Shui work.
I feel a little pressure about Peru, but I'm making progress.
I think if I really make an effort, I can both stay sane and get a tremendous amount done before my trip.
One good development is that Zen might be switching before long; instead of Wednesday nights it will be 2 hours on Thursday Nights and 90 minutes early Monday morning, like around 6 or so. At first that turned me off a little bit, but actually that would be a great way to start my week, and maybe a great way to help set the tone for waking up with energy.
Good, quiet developments.
Beautiful night, all.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Subtle changes
Things are going well in terms of my inner-experience. I've gained a lot of good perspective over the past few days; partly from the 7-hour zazenkai on Sunday, partly because of a good session with Sam this morning, but mostly from quiet, steady work.
But I am feeling pressed for time. That could change. Some of the perspective I have gained is to appreciate my "time-wasting" proclivities. Maybe it's not a matter of needing more and more, but of doing a better job of reconciliation; of being less divided. Of valuing everything about me, and slowly disabusing myself of the habit of wanting to "eliminate" bad habits, instead of understanding them and allowing them to communicate with the rest of me.
More to come.
But I am feeling pressed for time. That could change. Some of the perspective I have gained is to appreciate my "time-wasting" proclivities. Maybe it's not a matter of needing more and more, but of doing a better job of reconciliation; of being less divided. Of valuing everything about me, and slowly disabusing myself of the habit of wanting to "eliminate" bad habits, instead of understanding them and allowing them to communicate with the rest of me.
More to come.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Centro de la Rueda
Another successful night of centering journaling. I need to do more - eventually. I hope the memory of the grounded, open feeling that it created reminds me to keep doing it again and again. In the journaling itself it came out that I am very worried that I will forget to do things like this; it will get swept up in my daily life, my projects, agendas, fears, obsessions - and forgotten.
Part of the work is living through that fear. Being afraid. Making something real of that fear - the same as learning my weakness.
Also, it's important to remind myself that this is good in itself; this activity is valuable in itself. There is no next step. I am arriving every moment. I guess that's the opposite of gone ("gate") which is a Buddhist "ideal," but screw ideals.
I am hear.
Good night, everyone.
Part of the work is living through that fear. Being afraid. Making something real of that fear - the same as learning my weakness.
Also, it's important to remind myself that this is good in itself; this activity is valuable in itself. There is no next step. I am arriving every moment. I guess that's the opposite of gone ("gate") which is a Buddhist "ideal," but screw ideals.
I am hear.
Good night, everyone.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Quick Reflections
I made it to my scheduled time for myself.
Very fruitful centering activity. I sat on my couch with my notebook and just wrote. I paused and thought a lot; it wasn't one of those stream-of-consciousness exercises.
I have the feeling I have been doing somewhat well learning how to be more active; how to work and function better; but I need to continue making my way to the core of me. I need to spend time on this. It is essential; it's really the only work for me. I want to know who I am. The other stuff cannot really flow unless I do this other work.
I need to open more. I have made huge strides in understanding myself, but I need to take further steps. This mania of accomplishing things is demonstration of a lack of balance. I have been suspicious of this, but now I feel I am ready to start doing the work.
I have a few leads as to where to start. Look at it from a perspective of holding in pain. First, notice that I experience pain. Second, notice how I react to it. I can then begin noticing how the reactions produce actions, thoughts, feelings.
I can ask myself the question: can I feel different? Am I moving somewhere else? Are my current patterns worthwhile, or do I need to change them? I could really benefit with a review of what is valuable to me; what I need to secure for myself.
Yoga would be great. It's something I don't have a tight grasp on; it slips away.
I could also look at a variety of therapies, including modern and traditional means. I could give the Soilless Gardens technique that Any talks about so much a decent chance. There are many choices.
I have been blessed the past few days with particularly still and clear meditation. I cannot expect it to last forever, but it seems new; it seems like a consistent development. This is good; this helps me continue, to do feel like I am gaining good perspective and the practice is worthwhile.
Very fruitful centering activity. I sat on my couch with my notebook and just wrote. I paused and thought a lot; it wasn't one of those stream-of-consciousness exercises.
I have the feeling I have been doing somewhat well learning how to be more active; how to work and function better; but I need to continue making my way to the core of me. I need to spend time on this. It is essential; it's really the only work for me. I want to know who I am. The other stuff cannot really flow unless I do this other work.
I need to open more. I have made huge strides in understanding myself, but I need to take further steps. This mania of accomplishing things is demonstration of a lack of balance. I have been suspicious of this, but now I feel I am ready to start doing the work.
I have a few leads as to where to start. Look at it from a perspective of holding in pain. First, notice that I experience pain. Second, notice how I react to it. I can then begin noticing how the reactions produce actions, thoughts, feelings.
I can ask myself the question: can I feel different? Am I moving somewhere else? Are my current patterns worthwhile, or do I need to change them? I could really benefit with a review of what is valuable to me; what I need to secure for myself.
Yoga would be great. It's something I don't have a tight grasp on; it slips away.
I could also look at a variety of therapies, including modern and traditional means. I could give the Soilless Gardens technique that Any talks about so much a decent chance. There are many choices.
I have been blessed the past few days with particularly still and clear meditation. I cannot expect it to last forever, but it seems new; it seems like a consistent development. This is good; this helps me continue, to do feel like I am gaining good perspective and the practice is worthwhile.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Sleepy and Sick
Yes, I missed the time I was going to spend on myself. I felt too sleepy and sick. I'm going to zazen then bed. I'll try again tomorrow.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Brevity
I spent some good time reviewing what I still need to do for Peru, coming up with a good action plan.
After yesterday, and even through my Mental Health First Aid class today, I have been thinking about the necessity of going still deeper into understanding my feelings. I need to figure out what's at the core of me that makes me what I am. This important task I have not completed; or, if it can't be completed, I have not attempted long enough, thoroughly enough, to a satisfying resting point.
Inroads into it: deeper journaling. Journeying. I will be journeying on Friday night. Maybe I can prepare myself with some private time reflecting? Tuesday, Wednesday Thursday. Tomorrow night. Wednesday morning. Thursday night. A good 15 - 20 minutes is all I need to do. I will give myself 30 minutes each time. It will consist of writing with some reflective meditation, maybe active imagination if I can go there.
Tuesday: 9:30pm. Wednesday: 10:20 AM. Thursday: 8:30pm.
I am setting down, right here, I will commit to doing this at these times.
Thanks for being a witness, all.
After yesterday, and even through my Mental Health First Aid class today, I have been thinking about the necessity of going still deeper into understanding my feelings. I need to figure out what's at the core of me that makes me what I am. This important task I have not completed; or, if it can't be completed, I have not attempted long enough, thoroughly enough, to a satisfying resting point.
Inroads into it: deeper journaling. Journeying. I will be journeying on Friday night. Maybe I can prepare myself with some private time reflecting? Tuesday, Wednesday Thursday. Tomorrow night. Wednesday morning. Thursday night. A good 15 - 20 minutes is all I need to do. I will give myself 30 minutes each time. It will consist of writing with some reflective meditation, maybe active imagination if I can go there.
Tuesday: 9:30pm. Wednesday: 10:20 AM. Thursday: 8:30pm.
I am setting down, right here, I will commit to doing this at these times.
Thanks for being a witness, all.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Awash
A strong, unforgettable emotional day for me. And then I spent the evening watching Star Trek TNG and playing stupid strategy games. Go figure. Such is the nature of my coping mechanisms.
I awoke in an odd mood this morning, interfering a little bit with my time with Penelope. We went on a hike, which I cut short, because I felt tired inside and out. We walked back in silence. Not like me, the way I've been the past few months. We drove up to the lookout before the Ski Basin and talked. Everything I was feeling came out. She told me how she felt. It was incredibly reassuring. I also felt extremely vulnerable and crumbled into her. It was nice.
Where does this get me? I've still got a lot of work to do, emotionally. Things turned out well; and it's important for me to note that things turned out well, because I decided to share how I was feeling rather than bottle it up. There was a direct connection. I need to stamp this cause and effect chain into my brain.
When I was meditating this morning, something was different. I felt like I did not need to do anything else. The sitting was not getting in the way of doing anything, I had no need to rush, nothing to look forward to afterward - that was where I needed to be. A lot of that was motivated by negative feelings; a mix of anxiety and depression that was being catalyzed by bottled up shame (which is what came out later in the day). But it also felt very deep. As if I was directly facing these feelings in a way I don't usually do. As if I was really taking them seriously, rather than looking them as mysterious speed bumps on my smoothly paved schedule. It was frightening and disturbing to swim in these particular feelings (which were ultimately doubts about myself), but also very hopeful for me - it let me know I can go a little bit deeper into these things. What makes it less frightening? Talking about it with someone close.
Easy, cheesy, sentimental advice, but true.
I continue to work. But can't I put more of a focus on this stuff? Prioritize the emotional growth above everything else? It's more than a good investment of energy - It's what all this work is for; for understanding myself.
I awoke in an odd mood this morning, interfering a little bit with my time with Penelope. We went on a hike, which I cut short, because I felt tired inside and out. We walked back in silence. Not like me, the way I've been the past few months. We drove up to the lookout before the Ski Basin and talked. Everything I was feeling came out. She told me how she felt. It was incredibly reassuring. I also felt extremely vulnerable and crumbled into her. It was nice.
Where does this get me? I've still got a lot of work to do, emotionally. Things turned out well; and it's important for me to note that things turned out well, because I decided to share how I was feeling rather than bottle it up. There was a direct connection. I need to stamp this cause and effect chain into my brain.
When I was meditating this morning, something was different. I felt like I did not need to do anything else. The sitting was not getting in the way of doing anything, I had no need to rush, nothing to look forward to afterward - that was where I needed to be. A lot of that was motivated by negative feelings; a mix of anxiety and depression that was being catalyzed by bottled up shame (which is what came out later in the day). But it also felt very deep. As if I was directly facing these feelings in a way I don't usually do. As if I was really taking them seriously, rather than looking them as mysterious speed bumps on my smoothly paved schedule. It was frightening and disturbing to swim in these particular feelings (which were ultimately doubts about myself), but also very hopeful for me - it let me know I can go a little bit deeper into these things. What makes it less frightening? Talking about it with someone close.
Easy, cheesy, sentimental advice, but true.
I continue to work. But can't I put more of a focus on this stuff? Prioritize the emotional growth above everything else? It's more than a good investment of energy - It's what all this work is for; for understanding myself.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
It's not sunny, but the cloud is fantastic
Bear with me as I continue to focus on my schedule.
I woke up around 6:50 this morning. I ended up staying in bed until around 7:20. I woke up feeling rested and relaxed. This is a very good change. Excellent, in fact. Because, really, what I'm aiming for is to feel good. All the other stuff is details.
So I felt good. I had my protein shake, which I had to take in front of my roommates, because I refrigerate it now. This means I do a little bit of talking before I meditate. I really don't like that. It's just another step away from how I would like the morning meditation to go.
But the meditation was fine. It was focused. A noticeable lack of tension this morning, now that I am just burning to feel tension and begin criticizing myself for feeling tension so that I can accept it all: the failure to relax, the failure to be kind to myself, everything. Accept and allow everything, is my current injunction from both my therapist and Zen teacher. Funny how it works.
I exercised for about 15 minutes, made a breakfast and concocted what ended up being a gigantic salad for lunch. Doing dishes and everything else, I was finished with the kitchen at around 9:20. I had political snark videos to entertain me (mainly Bill Maher and Rachel Maddow). I consider this a guilty pleasure rather than helpful for anything.
Then I did a few grooming things, getting ready for work. But instead of sitting down and doing the spreadsheet stuff, I spontaneously decided to play accordion. Which was fun. Then I had to bring out other instruments, my drum, my flutes, and play them for about 10 minutes. Now I'm blogging, and it's time to go.
Worse things can happen in the morning. I'm just going to ride this out. Though there are serious things to consider in life and limited time to do all the work, there are worse interruptions than feeling fine.
I woke up around 6:50 this morning. I ended up staying in bed until around 7:20. I woke up feeling rested and relaxed. This is a very good change. Excellent, in fact. Because, really, what I'm aiming for is to feel good. All the other stuff is details.
So I felt good. I had my protein shake, which I had to take in front of my roommates, because I refrigerate it now. This means I do a little bit of talking before I meditate. I really don't like that. It's just another step away from how I would like the morning meditation to go.
But the meditation was fine. It was focused. A noticeable lack of tension this morning, now that I am just burning to feel tension and begin criticizing myself for feeling tension so that I can accept it all: the failure to relax, the failure to be kind to myself, everything. Accept and allow everything, is my current injunction from both my therapist and Zen teacher. Funny how it works.
I exercised for about 15 minutes, made a breakfast and concocted what ended up being a gigantic salad for lunch. Doing dishes and everything else, I was finished with the kitchen at around 9:20. I had political snark videos to entertain me (mainly Bill Maher and Rachel Maddow). I consider this a guilty pleasure rather than helpful for anything.
Then I did a few grooming things, getting ready for work. But instead of sitting down and doing the spreadsheet stuff, I spontaneously decided to play accordion. Which was fun. Then I had to bring out other instruments, my drum, my flutes, and play them for about 10 minutes. Now I'm blogging, and it's time to go.
Worse things can happen in the morning. I'm just going to ride this out. Though there are serious things to consider in life and limited time to do all the work, there are worse interruptions than feeling fine.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Discouragement means marking incremental success
Also, discouragement is a good indication to open one's self up to the moment. Any moment is a good moment for that, however.
I have some ideas about how to be more comfortable with my sense of time and having time - but there's more to just stew and ponder. I need to get back to work on that projects spreadsheet, but my time in the morning has been scant. So, a reasonable objective would be to increase the amount of free time I have in the morning.
Deciding on a time to wake up and trying to hit it squarely just does not work. Naturally, I want to go to bed at around 11 and wake up around 7:30. I think I will make this my schedule from now on. If I want to push it back a little bit, I can try gradually and consistently. I don't want to be constantly working against myself.
This also means that I'm going to have to stop trying to exercise on Wednesdays and move it to Tuesdays. This messes up my schedule with Sam. I really wish Zen would go ahead and switch to Thursdays. Maybe I could switch Sam to Mondays? But then I really don't have any free time. More to work out some other time.
I have some ideas about how to be more comfortable with my sense of time and having time - but there's more to just stew and ponder. I need to get back to work on that projects spreadsheet, but my time in the morning has been scant. So, a reasonable objective would be to increase the amount of free time I have in the morning.
Deciding on a time to wake up and trying to hit it squarely just does not work. Naturally, I want to go to bed at around 11 and wake up around 7:30. I think I will make this my schedule from now on. If I want to push it back a little bit, I can try gradually and consistently. I don't want to be constantly working against myself.
This also means that I'm going to have to stop trying to exercise on Wednesdays and move it to Tuesdays. This messes up my schedule with Sam. I really wish Zen would go ahead and switch to Thursdays. Maybe I could switch Sam to Mondays? But then I really don't have any free time. More to work out some other time.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Allow, allow, allow
I have about 4 minutes left before I need to head to work, and I'm stuffing it chock full of blog.
The new attempt to balance my schedule between projects and relaxation/expansion continues. Last night was fraught with anesthetic activities, and I got to bed way too late, but I did get in some good accordion practice and a tiny bit of reading. Was it left completely open to expansive/relaxing activities? Absolutely not! I succumbed to the pressure and did some work. What happens if I have nothing to do, leave all the work for the morning? I don't know, because it hasn't happened yet. My theory remains to be tested.
I will be tempted to do work tonight. The most pressing thing is to look at accommodations in Cusco. Can I wait two days? That's a big hitch in my system - I have 0 time to do work on Wednesdays, if I can't get up early enough. And I need to decide if I'm going to try to run in the morning or not - I still haven't decided. Actually, my new plan is to walk barefoot for 60 minutes instead of jogging for 30. I will plan that time as I walk to work, which I need to do now.
Brief note before I gotta run: good session with Sam this morning. I worked a lot on my resistance to allowing emotions to emerge; took a look at all the patterns of discouragement, the unhelpful dichotomy between complete control and complete lack of control, and all the things that go into me blocking out the fullness of my life. More on this.
Have a great day, all.
The new attempt to balance my schedule between projects and relaxation/expansion continues. Last night was fraught with anesthetic activities, and I got to bed way too late, but I did get in some good accordion practice and a tiny bit of reading. Was it left completely open to expansive/relaxing activities? Absolutely not! I succumbed to the pressure and did some work. What happens if I have nothing to do, leave all the work for the morning? I don't know, because it hasn't happened yet. My theory remains to be tested.
I will be tempted to do work tonight. The most pressing thing is to look at accommodations in Cusco. Can I wait two days? That's a big hitch in my system - I have 0 time to do work on Wednesdays, if I can't get up early enough. And I need to decide if I'm going to try to run in the morning or not - I still haven't decided. Actually, my new plan is to walk barefoot for 60 minutes instead of jogging for 30. I will plan that time as I walk to work, which I need to do now.
Brief note before I gotta run: good session with Sam this morning. I worked a lot on my resistance to allowing emotions to emerge; took a look at all the patterns of discouragement, the unhelpful dichotomy between complete control and complete lack of control, and all the things that go into me blocking out the fullness of my life. More on this.
Have a great day, all.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Getting it all sorted out
Blogging, and my life in general, has not been very consistent lately. In a simple effort to get back to good habits, I'm going to make a realistic commitment: I will be blogging 5 days a week. Monday through Thursday, then once on the weekend, whichever day is easier for me (it changes all the time). Exceptions will be made for days spent away from my computer; for example, the weekend of April 29, when I'll be out of town.
I will try to blog in the morning. This might require that I be better about waking up early; something I'm still struggling with. But I have a theory that might change everything - the theory that if I do all the "necessary" things in the morning and give myself time in the evenings to relax and expand my mind through music, reading and creativity, I will 1. engage in fewer anesthetic activities (mindless websurfing, games, video) 2. go to bed earlier 3. generally be more relaxed state of mind, which will allow me to wake up better. It's a very simple idea.
If I fail to blog in the morning, I will blog at night. If I need to, I will allow myself to blog a minimal statement.
For the time being, my main projects are Peru, which has a time limit, and a focus on productivity. I'm starting to use some of the productivity techniques I've been using at work at home; it's moving, but sluggishly. Somehow my own life is more complicated and difficult to plan out than my workday. Funny how that is. But my efforts at work have been so successful for me, I'm sure bringing them to bear at home will be a good thing, once I can gain some momentum.
Patience.
Have a great day, all.
I will try to blog in the morning. This might require that I be better about waking up early; something I'm still struggling with. But I have a theory that might change everything - the theory that if I do all the "necessary" things in the morning and give myself time in the evenings to relax and expand my mind through music, reading and creativity, I will 1. engage in fewer anesthetic activities (mindless websurfing, games, video) 2. go to bed earlier 3. generally be more relaxed state of mind, which will allow me to wake up better. It's a very simple idea.
If I fail to blog in the morning, I will blog at night. If I need to, I will allow myself to blog a minimal statement.
For the time being, my main projects are Peru, which has a time limit, and a focus on productivity. I'm starting to use some of the productivity techniques I've been using at work at home; it's moving, but sluggishly. Somehow my own life is more complicated and difficult to plan out than my workday. Funny how that is. But my efforts at work have been so successful for me, I'm sure bringing them to bear at home will be a good thing, once I can gain some momentum.
Patience.
Have a great day, all.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Ch'aska
I went with Ch'aska Tours. They were cheaper than llamapath; the reviews on the internet decent enough, and the e-mail contact, Miguel, was just as helpful as Renzo. In fact, in the middle of a quick back-and-forth e-mail exchange, Miguel called me all the way from Peru, and we talked about my plans. That pretty much sealed the deal. So my deposit is sent. On to other things.
I've spent most of this evening de-stressing from a rough day. It's gone well; I played a lot of music, and I've been wearing my samue - the most comfortable set of clothing I own.
What I've learned from today is how important it is to really focus on why I do what I do. When things get stressful, you need to have that strong foundation. I did not do terribly; I just felt that weak link in myself, that was not entirely thought out, and I felt like I was removing myself from what was going on more than was necessary. This is a common tactic I end up using to deal with anxiety; just good for me to observe it.
Maria once again criticized my timidity, my inability to speak my opinion. I think she's correct. I feel that, yes, I hold back more than I ought to. What I need to remember when taking this criticism, however, is that I am by nature more of a listener than a talker and that the point is that needs to be balanced out. Not that who I am is wholly unacceptable. I do have a tendency to take all criticisms right to heart. And you know what? American society does not understand listening or support it very well, so the value of the way I do things is particularly obscured. But now that I've griped about the circumstances, I'm going to come away with this feeling like I need to make my voice heard.
However that can happen.
Good night, all.
I've spent most of this evening de-stressing from a rough day. It's gone well; I played a lot of music, and I've been wearing my samue - the most comfortable set of clothing I own.
What I've learned from today is how important it is to really focus on why I do what I do. When things get stressful, you need to have that strong foundation. I did not do terribly; I just felt that weak link in myself, that was not entirely thought out, and I felt like I was removing myself from what was going on more than was necessary. This is a common tactic I end up using to deal with anxiety; just good for me to observe it.
Maria once again criticized my timidity, my inability to speak my opinion. I think she's correct. I feel that, yes, I hold back more than I ought to. What I need to remember when taking this criticism, however, is that I am by nature more of a listener than a talker and that the point is that needs to be balanced out. Not that who I am is wholly unacceptable. I do have a tendency to take all criticisms right to heart. And you know what? American society does not understand listening or support it very well, so the value of the way I do things is particularly obscured. But now that I've griped about the circumstances, I'm going to come away with this feeling like I need to make my voice heard.
However that can happen.
Good night, all.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Whack-a-mole
I am once again feeling the constraints of time. It required effort to get out of bed this morning. I got a good run in, had breakfast, went to work, went to zen, came home, had dinner, and now I'm here, and it's almost time for bed. I will get some good reading in tonight; I can feel it. I've finally got a little momentum going, and I'm probably going to finish Lord Jim very soon.
I'm feeling indecisive again about this Salkantay Trek. I think, if nothing else manifests, I'm just going to commit to llamapath, because it's the tour that I want with the company that I want. It's not the price that I want, but the company has worked with me the best. And if I'm paying over $400 for something that cost $80 ten years ago, I want good service.
The current pulls me along, as my mind drifts to other plans, other ideas, other tasks.
A note about the feelings behind it all, before I sign off for the night. I'm really focusing on all the resistances I feel, resistances to the things that I do and experience. Whether the resistance is a thought pattern that avoids a certain situation, an unwillingness to get out of bed, a feeling of tiredness, I need to realize: there is feeling there. The idea that nothing is going on, that I have no response or no feeling, is part of the ploy I've developed to avoid dealing with the natural pain that arises from existence. Can't I face that pain, expand with it, let it work through me? Yes, I can, and I need to stop telling myself I feel nothing in order to own it.
Good night, all.
I'm feeling indecisive again about this Salkantay Trek. I think, if nothing else manifests, I'm just going to commit to llamapath, because it's the tour that I want with the company that I want. It's not the price that I want, but the company has worked with me the best. And if I'm paying over $400 for something that cost $80 ten years ago, I want good service.
The current pulls me along, as my mind drifts to other plans, other ideas, other tasks.
A note about the feelings behind it all, before I sign off for the night. I'm really focusing on all the resistances I feel, resistances to the things that I do and experience. Whether the resistance is a thought pattern that avoids a certain situation, an unwillingness to get out of bed, a feeling of tiredness, I need to realize: there is feeling there. The idea that nothing is going on, that I have no response or no feeling, is part of the ploy I've developed to avoid dealing with the natural pain that arises from existence. Can't I face that pain, expand with it, let it work through me? Yes, I can, and I need to stop telling myself I feel nothing in order to own it.
Good night, all.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Still still-arounding
Peru is not as settled as I would have hoped; I'm looking at new treks as sending my deposit to United Mice has proved more difficult than I understood it to be. They get very good reviews and have been a consistent favorite with Peru trekkers, so I generally trust them. However, Moneygram refuses to send money to the name they gave me as the recipient for the deposit, so I am a little skeptical. I sent them an e-mail yesterday informing them of this and asking them what their explanation is and what else I could do. The only other option would be visiting a Western Union agent, since I am for some reason unable to send money online (and, besides, it's 3x more expensive online). But I would want to make sure the recipient is valid before sending any money.
I'm looking at llamapath, which is a little more expensive, but the reviews are excellent, rather than just very good, and they are much more communicative. There is no June 16 Salkantay to Machu Picchu, but they offered to start one if I committed. I like their willingness to work with me and their prompt communication. As a bonus, they use Paypal to receive funds, which I am already registered with and would be much easier for me.
Other projects, then, fall a bit to the wayside. I need to keep chugging at this travel planning until I'm truly satisfied.
I am going to make a concerted effort to get to bed on time. Since I plan on getting up early tomorrow, that gives me about half an hour.
I've also begun creating a ToDo list. I've been making huge strides at work to organize the immense amount of tasks that collect around me; both to keep track of them in long-term, that is, make sure they get done, and also to serve as a visual point of focus, so if I am interrupted (which I am, again and again, all day long) I have a centerpoint I can return to, to remind me of what I am working on and what I need to get done. It's working pretty well.
And the biggest surprise is, as I step up my productivity, emotions come out, rather than hiding. I was afraid that all this focus on productivity and efficiency would be a temptation to focus on lists and plans and projects rather than on people, on the heart of the program, but it's not. As I confront the tasks I set down in the heat of the moment, as the idea struck me, and make a commitment to follow through with them, I bring up all kinds of nice, raw resistance: attachment to certain activities or ways of doing things. The more I make an effort to really sculpt a work process for myself, the more I see all the hangups and evasions and complaints about getting the job done that come up inside me. And the more I see these things, the more fully I can experience the emotions that went into them; the more I live my decisions and ideas, rather than just keeping them on a figurative shelf forever. My office and my job are my home as much as anything else, and it behooves me and my job to make it as vibrant and energetic and supportive place as I can make it. Hence all the OCD focus on cleaning, organizing and tasking.
I will leave you with a photo. My first and my most successful farming project, which I have been engaged in for almost 3 years continually: Sprouting.
I even took some time to polish the composition. I'm proud of them. If you live near me, let me know if you want some sprouts, and I'll happily give you some or grow them for you. This is a mix of alfalfa, clover, radish and cabbage. They take about 5 days to be edible.
Good night, all.
I'm looking at llamapath, which is a little more expensive, but the reviews are excellent, rather than just very good, and they are much more communicative. There is no June 16 Salkantay to Machu Picchu, but they offered to start one if I committed. I like their willingness to work with me and their prompt communication. As a bonus, they use Paypal to receive funds, which I am already registered with and would be much easier for me.
Other projects, then, fall a bit to the wayside. I need to keep chugging at this travel planning until I'm truly satisfied.
I am going to make a concerted effort to get to bed on time. Since I plan on getting up early tomorrow, that gives me about half an hour.
I've also begun creating a ToDo list. I've been making huge strides at work to organize the immense amount of tasks that collect around me; both to keep track of them in long-term, that is, make sure they get done, and also to serve as a visual point of focus, so if I am interrupted (which I am, again and again, all day long) I have a centerpoint I can return to, to remind me of what I am working on and what I need to get done. It's working pretty well.
And the biggest surprise is, as I step up my productivity, emotions come out, rather than hiding. I was afraid that all this focus on productivity and efficiency would be a temptation to focus on lists and plans and projects rather than on people, on the heart of the program, but it's not. As I confront the tasks I set down in the heat of the moment, as the idea struck me, and make a commitment to follow through with them, I bring up all kinds of nice, raw resistance: attachment to certain activities or ways of doing things. The more I make an effort to really sculpt a work process for myself, the more I see all the hangups and evasions and complaints about getting the job done that come up inside me. And the more I see these things, the more fully I can experience the emotions that went into them; the more I live my decisions and ideas, rather than just keeping them on a figurative shelf forever. My office and my job are my home as much as anything else, and it behooves me and my job to make it as vibrant and energetic and supportive place as I can make it. Hence all the OCD focus on cleaning, organizing and tasking.
I will leave you with a photo. My first and my most successful farming project, which I have been engaged in for almost 3 years continually: Sprouting.
I even took some time to polish the composition. I'm proud of them. If you live near me, let me know if you want some sprouts, and I'll happily give you some or grow them for you. This is a mix of alfalfa, clover, radish and cabbage. They take about 5 days to be edible.
Good night, all.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
I'm still around...
... but my mind is in Peru at the moment. I've been living the ups and downs of planning a trip to an incredibly over-popular tourist destination, and I've had no time to blog. But my effort has borne some fruit.
I was not able to get a reservation for an Inca Trail Hike. Instead, over the past 4 days, I've been researching alternative Treks. Tonight I finally decided on hiking the 5-day, non-Inca Trail Salkantay trek to Machu Picchu. I'll be with the agency United Mice. I just sent out a query e-mail; once I get a green light, I'll make a reservation and send them the deposit. If I can get a deal that they e-mailed me, it will cost $425 for 5 days. Most Inca Trail hikes are, at the bare minimum $480for 4 days, but the vast majority of them are over $500. It's a much better deal. The trek is a little more challenging and the landscape is more rugged and diverse. What I lose out on is the amount of ruins. This pains me to a certain degree, but there will be plenty of other chances to see Inca sites afterward.
The Trek would leave on June 16, putting me in Cusco on June 15 on the latest. that gives me just over 2 weeks in the rest of Peru, since afterward I'll definitely be hanging around in Cusco for 4 or 5 days (depending on whether it makes sense for me to spend an extra day at Machu Picchu - I've asked the tour operators). But from what I hear, you can't spend too much time in Cusco.
So I still have to make this reservation and my flight to LA. But I'm at a point now where I feel I can relax. The most stressful day was Monday, when I was frantically searching Inca Trail treks, only to realize that there was a frighteningly small amount of permits available for the dates I needed. I sent out a flurry of reservations, only to have them all rejected the next day for lack of available spots. It was nerve-wracking, but I feel all the stress is past me now.
At this point, my planning is going to slow down, so I can focus on other projects.
In the way of homesteading, my efforts have been:
-Repairing my pants. I fixed major holes in the groin area (very embarrassing). I'm going to do more work on them. I need good pants for travel. Sounds goofy, but it's true. Clothing must be comfortable to wear and functional.
-Watching my plants. The shiso sprouts seem to have peaked at 5. They seem to be growing slowly. Jesus suggests it's due to low temperatures, so that will change. My plants at the Shelter are surviving. The sage is okay; the oregano is just a stump; and the pregnant onions look a little bad. I want to get them outside as soon as I can, but the weather has predicted frost every so often, and I don't want to take risks. I think more research will go a long way with all these plants - I've got a great opportunity to focus on specific plants and enrich my knowledge through the narrowness of my study (as opposed to feeling overwhelmed at the amount of possible things to learn).
That'll do for now. More to come, especially more photos.
Good night, all.
I was not able to get a reservation for an Inca Trail Hike. Instead, over the past 4 days, I've been researching alternative Treks. Tonight I finally decided on hiking the 5-day, non-Inca Trail Salkantay trek to Machu Picchu. I'll be with the agency United Mice. I just sent out a query e-mail; once I get a green light, I'll make a reservation and send them the deposit. If I can get a deal that they e-mailed me, it will cost $425 for 5 days. Most Inca Trail hikes are, at the bare minimum $480for 4 days, but the vast majority of them are over $500. It's a much better deal. The trek is a little more challenging and the landscape is more rugged and diverse. What I lose out on is the amount of ruins. This pains me to a certain degree, but there will be plenty of other chances to see Inca sites afterward.
The Trek would leave on June 16, putting me in Cusco on June 15 on the latest. that gives me just over 2 weeks in the rest of Peru, since afterward I'll definitely be hanging around in Cusco for 4 or 5 days (depending on whether it makes sense for me to spend an extra day at Machu Picchu - I've asked the tour operators). But from what I hear, you can't spend too much time in Cusco.
So I still have to make this reservation and my flight to LA. But I'm at a point now where I feel I can relax. The most stressful day was Monday, when I was frantically searching Inca Trail treks, only to realize that there was a frighteningly small amount of permits available for the dates I needed. I sent out a flurry of reservations, only to have them all rejected the next day for lack of available spots. It was nerve-wracking, but I feel all the stress is past me now.
At this point, my planning is going to slow down, so I can focus on other projects.
In the way of homesteading, my efforts have been:
-Repairing my pants. I fixed major holes in the groin area (very embarrassing). I'm going to do more work on them. I need good pants for travel. Sounds goofy, but it's true. Clothing must be comfortable to wear and functional.
-Watching my plants. The shiso sprouts seem to have peaked at 5. They seem to be growing slowly. Jesus suggests it's due to low temperatures, so that will change. My plants at the Shelter are surviving. The sage is okay; the oregano is just a stump; and the pregnant onions look a little bad. I want to get them outside as soon as I can, but the weather has predicted frost every so often, and I don't want to take risks. I think more research will go a long way with all these plants - I've got a great opportunity to focus on specific plants and enrich my knowledge through the narrowness of my study (as opposed to feeling overwhelmed at the amount of possible things to learn).
That'll do for now. More to come, especially more photos.
Good night, all.
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