Boiler

The pressure has built up, and steam is beginning to amass at the top...

Suddenly I have a rush to make decisions about my life. Starting classes, where I want to work, all of it. I feel like I need to hammer out a resume, get my life in complete ship-shape for a difficult, busy 6 months or so as I start up again.

I find myself running myself down in subtle ways; old ways, ways I am used to, where I find myself faced with an immediate difficulty, I tell myself I can't do it and then I immediately feel the need to do anything else, distract myself, pace around: anything.

But relief is always much closer. Twice today I pulled myself out of that mood. The first time was by simply lying down and allowing myself to rest for a bit. I was up and at it again after only about 10 minutes.

The second was when I decided to vent all of my feelings and frustrations. I have a lot of fear in me. I was in fact up late last night, simply feeling fear, that sense of being fundamentally unsafe, disconnected from my roots. Does anyone else get that? Why does it only happen at night? My theory is that it's because I push it away during the day, trying to judge myself by arbitrary plans I make up on the spot and struggling to fill up my hours, rather than touching source, sitting down and clearing my vision of all that anxiety and floundering. It's a simple fact that when I don't feel that sense of being connected - and I do feel it directly in my gut - I perform worse and make worse decisions, in addition to enjoying what I do less. I know it's a little more complicated than this, but not by much: I just need to ask myself how I'm feeling and make sure that I acknowledge the answer significantly enough. What enough means depends on the moment.

If only I could remember to do this; make some more progress. I feel like it's time to move on from the plateau of growth I've been hovering at the past three years.