I am going to bed - for real. Another 3am wake up, drive to the airport - yes, all the wonderfulness of travel for the next two weeks. I am pretty sure I won't be blogging, at least not very much until November 16th. So much will be different then.
So a little jewel of an insight: today, sitting on the floor, feeling angst about Sarah (yet again - sheesh), I remembered to just accept the awkwardness, the confusion of the situation and just sit with it. Remembering what Pema Chodron says about the hard moments - these are the best times to sit, to focus, to recollect one's self and remember that there is nothing to rely on - to expect constant change - to respect the wisdom of suffering.
There does not need to be a solution. There is not any condition that needs to be fulfilled for me to be happy. There is just right now.
I want to set down: over the course of the weekend, I have been feeling some more grief about my break-up with Alexa. I remind myself: there is more to process there. What I just described above is a good way of doing so.
Ok, I need to rest for my travels.
Good night - good weeks - good 1st half of November, all.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Patience, again
But why is the answer patience, when I want things to go rocketing off in all directions?
I'm just wondering when all the nonsense is going to come tumbling down, when I'll have energy, and desire to relate, and stop all this business of being afraid to touch other people, and bring my sexuality very firmly into my life so that I can share it properly with other people.
I want to be able to focus, to have perfect posture, to pay attention to everything, to lift myself up by my own bootstraps.
But I'm here now, with all of my thought addiction, mother complex and everything. I'm not afraid to reach out, I'm just afraid of myself - that I'll always say no to everything for God knows what reason. And I have nothing to blame but my own self. That's the scariest thing: there is nothing to rely on. This is me; this is it.
Hmm... What nice, sleepy bedtime thoughts. I'm tired again, and so I'll be going to sleep.
But seriously: Who am I? Where do my choices come from, who makes them, and where do they go? What is this, this life thing? Are these questions unanswerable? What a beautiful muddle, what perfect chaos, hiding underneath any sense of order. Accomplishment - what is accomplishment? Who really benefits?
The grail king.
Good night.
I'm just wondering when all the nonsense is going to come tumbling down, when I'll have energy, and desire to relate, and stop all this business of being afraid to touch other people, and bring my sexuality very firmly into my life so that I can share it properly with other people.
I want to be able to focus, to have perfect posture, to pay attention to everything, to lift myself up by my own bootstraps.
But I'm here now, with all of my thought addiction, mother complex and everything. I'm not afraid to reach out, I'm just afraid of myself - that I'll always say no to everything for God knows what reason. And I have nothing to blame but my own self. That's the scariest thing: there is nothing to rely on. This is me; this is it.
Hmm... What nice, sleepy bedtime thoughts. I'm tired again, and so I'll be going to sleep.
But seriously: Who am I? Where do my choices come from, who makes them, and where do they go? What is this, this life thing? Are these questions unanswerable? What a beautiful muddle, what perfect chaos, hiding underneath any sense of order. Accomplishment - what is accomplishment? Who really benefits?
The grail king.
Good night.
Friday, October 29, 2010
What really counts
Man, am I tired. I woke up at 3 this morning so I could, first, do zazen, and, second, take Lizz to the airport. Since our vacations overlap, she gave me a spare key, and I'm going to drive her car to Airport Parking when I leave, and she's going to drive it home when she gets back next week. Then she will drive to ABQ to pick me up when I get back. Total number of days outside NM, between the two of us: 20. Total cost of parking: $5.62, plus tax. Brilliant. I think I'll top off her gas tank, to make it a little more even, because I am saving much more than she is, and her car might be driven more than mine (assuming she's driving her car to pick me up when I get back). Still brilliant.
Not so brilliant: New Mexico Rail Runner schedules. C'mon, guys, can you design a schedule so we can actually use the thing? I'm so eager to: I hate having to drive. I would use it all the time, if it were a viable choice for me. But it's not, so it's such a rarity that I have an opportunity. That is not useful public transportation.
So I am in that decrescendo mood right now, where my body feels a little heavier, reality is a little less sticky, and I just mainly want to go to bed, maybe watch some Arrested Development. Part of this has to do with the 2.25 mile run I did today; my longest yet. I think this is the longest I have ever run at this altitude. It was really rough, but I did it, and I feel pretty good. I don't feel completely wrecked, except for the blisters I received on my feet, because my running shoes suck. Something else I'll need to buy...
I want to say a little more about last night. Specifically about Luisa herself, as I teacher. I want to express how impressed I am with her, with what she does and how she teaches.
A little background, first. Santa Fe is a town that attracts a lot of people into all different kinds of alternative healing. I have a skeptical interest in a lot of these things; I think there is value in pursuing alternative ways of looking at physics, at the body, at the nature of reality, etc., but I tend to feel that many of the methodologies, as they are presented, are not adequately experimented with. There is too much blind faith in traditions of questionable origin. This is why shamanism appeals to me more than any other kind of "alternative" healing: it is very scientific in its attitude. Also, it places huge emphasis on individual experience - there are no rules set in stone to follow. Everything you get out of shamanic practice is precisely what you put into it.
So maybe you're not interested in talking about the "Upper World" or "Lower World," that's fine, that's your choice. Epistemologically, I see no difference between the worlds in shamanic journeying and in, say, an MMORPG like World of Warcraft. To designate one as real and one as fake is an arbitrary and, I think, ultimately inappropriate distinction. Whatever enters the realm of your experience is, by that fact, real. To call one thing more real than another might have practical use; for example, it's commonplace to call something more "real" when what you actually mean is that it's more important. But in terms of what reality is, there is nothing you can conceive that isn't real, because, by conceiving it or imagining it, it is now a real conception or image. Most people mean physically real, when they say real, and, as I said above, this is an arbitrary limitation on the word. There is nothing about physical reality that makes it more real than thoughts or fantasies; it's just that our culture puts more weight on it. I want to add: this is not to discount the notion that certain activities or perceptions aren't more important than others at certain times: that's another issue.
Anyway, so shamanism works for me in a way that most other activities lumped into the "New Age" category cannot even approach. And I think Luisa embodies this for me. She is very enthusiastic about what she does, and she is well-versed in its subtleties, its traditions, its lingo. She talks about the limits of human experience; she talks about intuition and energy - these are risky things, because it is difficult to get into the practice of using these terms and to stay grounded in the present moment. You can get lost in the idea of power that these ideas convey; get swept up in the hustle and bustle. But Luisa does not: she remains fully anchored in the moment. She is an excellent group leader: she insisted, very firmly but with no sense of aggression, that we make eye contact when passing a particular object around. And she followed up on it, checking to see that people weren't skirting her request. It was great. I have so much respect for that. It is an excellent use of the role of leader for a small group of people.
She was also tremendously focused on each participant (there were 8 of us, not counting her), and she brought tremendous compassion to each of us, aware of everyone. I guess if there is one thing I want to convey, it is that she is very, very present, and this was such a relief for me, after having known so many flakes out there in Santa Fe, who have good intentions about what they are doing, but they just can't get over the excitement of the ideas enough to really be there with the people in the room, to really make an effort to know who they are, to be aware of everyone's needs, to respect everyone's distance as individual people. This seems like it would be commonplace in a city like Santa Fe, but it is actually quite depressingly rare. I find that most of the time discussion of healing and consciousness and whatnot normally just turns into a jargon-ridden geekfest, where people try to out-nerd one another on how spiritual they are. Yes, I'm a little bitter.
Ok, back to positive things: Luisa brought presence and focus and real relation into the event last night, and I thank her for that, and I am really grateful to know someone who has made that a very immediate focus in her work as a healer. It's amazing.
With that, the end.
Good night.
Not so brilliant: New Mexico Rail Runner schedules. C'mon, guys, can you design a schedule so we can actually use the thing? I'm so eager to: I hate having to drive. I would use it all the time, if it were a viable choice for me. But it's not, so it's such a rarity that I have an opportunity. That is not useful public transportation.
So I am in that decrescendo mood right now, where my body feels a little heavier, reality is a little less sticky, and I just mainly want to go to bed, maybe watch some Arrested Development. Part of this has to do with the 2.25 mile run I did today; my longest yet. I think this is the longest I have ever run at this altitude. It was really rough, but I did it, and I feel pretty good. I don't feel completely wrecked, except for the blisters I received on my feet, because my running shoes suck. Something else I'll need to buy...
I want to say a little more about last night. Specifically about Luisa herself, as I teacher. I want to express how impressed I am with her, with what she does and how she teaches.
A little background, first. Santa Fe is a town that attracts a lot of people into all different kinds of alternative healing. I have a skeptical interest in a lot of these things; I think there is value in pursuing alternative ways of looking at physics, at the body, at the nature of reality, etc., but I tend to feel that many of the methodologies, as they are presented, are not adequately experimented with. There is too much blind faith in traditions of questionable origin. This is why shamanism appeals to me more than any other kind of "alternative" healing: it is very scientific in its attitude. Also, it places huge emphasis on individual experience - there are no rules set in stone to follow. Everything you get out of shamanic practice is precisely what you put into it.
So maybe you're not interested in talking about the "Upper World" or "Lower World," that's fine, that's your choice. Epistemologically, I see no difference between the worlds in shamanic journeying and in, say, an MMORPG like World of Warcraft. To designate one as real and one as fake is an arbitrary and, I think, ultimately inappropriate distinction. Whatever enters the realm of your experience is, by that fact, real. To call one thing more real than another might have practical use; for example, it's commonplace to call something more "real" when what you actually mean is that it's more important. But in terms of what reality is, there is nothing you can conceive that isn't real, because, by conceiving it or imagining it, it is now a real conception or image. Most people mean physically real, when they say real, and, as I said above, this is an arbitrary limitation on the word. There is nothing about physical reality that makes it more real than thoughts or fantasies; it's just that our culture puts more weight on it. I want to add: this is not to discount the notion that certain activities or perceptions aren't more important than others at certain times: that's another issue.
Anyway, so shamanism works for me in a way that most other activities lumped into the "New Age" category cannot even approach. And I think Luisa embodies this for me. She is very enthusiastic about what she does, and she is well-versed in its subtleties, its traditions, its lingo. She talks about the limits of human experience; she talks about intuition and energy - these are risky things, because it is difficult to get into the practice of using these terms and to stay grounded in the present moment. You can get lost in the idea of power that these ideas convey; get swept up in the hustle and bustle. But Luisa does not: she remains fully anchored in the moment. She is an excellent group leader: she insisted, very firmly but with no sense of aggression, that we make eye contact when passing a particular object around. And she followed up on it, checking to see that people weren't skirting her request. It was great. I have so much respect for that. It is an excellent use of the role of leader for a small group of people.
She was also tremendously focused on each participant (there were 8 of us, not counting her), and she brought tremendous compassion to each of us, aware of everyone. I guess if there is one thing I want to convey, it is that she is very, very present, and this was such a relief for me, after having known so many flakes out there in Santa Fe, who have good intentions about what they are doing, but they just can't get over the excitement of the ideas enough to really be there with the people in the room, to really make an effort to know who they are, to be aware of everyone's needs, to respect everyone's distance as individual people. This seems like it would be commonplace in a city like Santa Fe, but it is actually quite depressingly rare. I find that most of the time discussion of healing and consciousness and whatnot normally just turns into a jargon-ridden geekfest, where people try to out-nerd one another on how spiritual they are. Yes, I'm a little bitter.
Ok, back to positive things: Luisa brought presence and focus and real relation into the event last night, and I thank her for that, and I am really grateful to know someone who has made that a very immediate focus in her work as a healer. It's amazing.
With that, the end.
Good night.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
I don't even want to think about what time I have to wake up tomorrow.
It's the earliest ever.
Anyway, I'm going to bed. No zazen. I will be waking up extremely early to do zazen. That is good enough for right now.
Also, I had a lovely evening. Really great. I went to a 9-person shamanic journeying circle, led by Luisa Kolker. It was perfect. I really did not expect a workshop to go so well. I am really skeptical about people muddying things up, but this was great - there were plenty of moments to criticize, for my brain to be dissatisfied with, but with the whole being more than the sum of its parts, it went swimmingly. More details later.
Bed.
Anyway, I'm going to bed. No zazen. I will be waking up extremely early to do zazen. That is good enough for right now.
Also, I had a lovely evening. Really great. I went to a 9-person shamanic journeying circle, led by Luisa Kolker. It was perfect. I really did not expect a workshop to go so well. I am really skeptical about people muddying things up, but this was great - there were plenty of moments to criticize, for my brain to be dissatisfied with, but with the whole being more than the sum of its parts, it went swimmingly. More details later.
Bed.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Late night posting.
Got to get sitting, then to bed. It's very late.
For the sake of getting something down here: hmm... it was a strange evening. I have feelings to sort out, and I'm not ready to think about them yet, entirely. Certainly the curtain rising on my coming voyage is causing all kinds of excitement and anxiety, influencing how I react to things. I will add that a lot of the feelings tonight, which arose in response to the events of tonight, feel exactly like my feelings yesterday. Hammering in once again the idea that these are reactions I carry around in me. Lots of negative shit. Fuzzy, dense, monstrous negative low-esteem things. They are sitting in me very relaxedly at the moment, not a whole lot of tension. But present. It's like there is a beast resting in between my heart and my stomach. Not threatening me, not wreaking havoc - just sitting motionless and staring at me. Always there, always watching. It's a kind of gentle domination. Winning every moment, leaving me only one option: feel like a loser. In several different ways.
This loser stuff is nonsense, untrue. But so convincing. So real.
I wonder what will happen tomorrow, at the shamanism class? Amazing things, I hope. Amazing things, if I remember to work for them...
Good night.
For the sake of getting something down here: hmm... it was a strange evening. I have feelings to sort out, and I'm not ready to think about them yet, entirely. Certainly the curtain rising on my coming voyage is causing all kinds of excitement and anxiety, influencing how I react to things. I will add that a lot of the feelings tonight, which arose in response to the events of tonight, feel exactly like my feelings yesterday. Hammering in once again the idea that these are reactions I carry around in me. Lots of negative shit. Fuzzy, dense, monstrous negative low-esteem things. They are sitting in me very relaxedly at the moment, not a whole lot of tension. But present. It's like there is a beast resting in between my heart and my stomach. Not threatening me, not wreaking havoc - just sitting motionless and staring at me. Always there, always watching. It's a kind of gentle domination. Winning every moment, leaving me only one option: feel like a loser. In several different ways.
This loser stuff is nonsense, untrue. But so convincing. So real.
I wonder what will happen tomorrow, at the shamanism class? Amazing things, I hope. Amazing things, if I remember to work for them...
Good night.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Necropants Fever
It feels like all the blogs I subscribe to are talking about Necropants. Nábrók, in Icelandic. They seem awesome, and I'd like to visit the museum they're in. I have just canceled my plans of traveling to the Vestfirðir, where I would find the city of Hólmavik, hometown of the necropants. However, looking at google maps, Hólmavik is not too far off the Hringvegur to be impossible. A bonus is that it's not too far from Krossnes, one of the original pools I wanted to visit, before it was advised to me not to travel in the Vestfirðir in winter. Maybe I can make it up to H-vik on one of the days I have planned between REK and Akureyri? I hope I can at least stop at Erik the Red's house on the way.
Shit, I'm talking about next week! Woo-hoo!
This was an intense day. Really great. I had therapy again this morning, part of what turned out to be a three-week intensive. I don't think I can really afford to do this all the time, but it was nice. The two of us have decided that we need to focus on getting me to understand and focus on my sexuality. Doing this is both good in itself and will free up other energy in other situations. What I mean is, I think my unresolved, undecided attitude toward sexuality gets it all tangled up in other activities unnecessarily.
It was great to talk about. Sam believes that people's sexuality are quite varied, and that a lot of the work of becoming sexually aware is getting rid of conditioning that would put you in too narrow categories. Specifically, he suggests that I am a type of person not suited toward normal ideas about masculinity and femininity, yin and yang tension, and the more I pursue gratification along these lines, the less satisfied I am going to be. I am the type of person who will always seek a mutual balance of forces and instincts in myself and in my partner, as well as between both of us. My interest is in communion rather than electricity; a real understanding and connection. If I am concerned that I tend towards being too inactive, not explosive enough, not tense enough; looking at it from this perspective, the solution is very clear: I must be more comfortable being open and vulnerable. I have made the mistake again and again of looking at it as a problem of not being bold enough, not strong enough, not enough a rock star. This is a dead end for me. It's about opening, opening, opening. That's where the fiery heart of it is.
This is kind of obvious, but sometimes it takes a conversation like this, where I sort of get a new role, a new identity, to really get perspective on it. I mean, of course I knew all these fundamentals, but deep down I was harboring hopes that I was this other type of person that I am not. That is a recipe for feeling choked up and powerless. Time to let go of that.
I don't feel like I have solved it all. On the contrary, I feel like I've entered a new atmosphere and am starting on square one with my whole concept of what it means to be sexual. Exciting stuff. Huge stuff.
I am going to log off soon, but before I do, I want to at least mention the nearly 2 hour long conversation I had with Sarah this morning / afternoon. It was fundamentally work related, but it brought out a lot of emotion in me. I think she felt a little put-off, but it was great for me to be able to get all these feelings out and play around with them for a while. When talking about how intense the conversation was, noting how much I was feeling at the moment, I said "I am very emotionally reactive to you." She gave me that "oh, shit, he's talking about being attracted to me" look, but I think she got that I meant just that, no more, no less. On Sunday she suggested to me that the great chemistry between us is a chemistry between friends, and I think it all came up today. Was it a coincidence that this happened on a day where I intentionally made an effort to observe my sexuality separate from other emotional needs? I don't think so. It felt a lot freer.
There is so much more here, but I will leave it at this today.
Good night, all.
Shit, I'm talking about next week! Woo-hoo!
This was an intense day. Really great. I had therapy again this morning, part of what turned out to be a three-week intensive. I don't think I can really afford to do this all the time, but it was nice. The two of us have decided that we need to focus on getting me to understand and focus on my sexuality. Doing this is both good in itself and will free up other energy in other situations. What I mean is, I think my unresolved, undecided attitude toward sexuality gets it all tangled up in other activities unnecessarily.
It was great to talk about. Sam believes that people's sexuality are quite varied, and that a lot of the work of becoming sexually aware is getting rid of conditioning that would put you in too narrow categories. Specifically, he suggests that I am a type of person not suited toward normal ideas about masculinity and femininity, yin and yang tension, and the more I pursue gratification along these lines, the less satisfied I am going to be. I am the type of person who will always seek a mutual balance of forces and instincts in myself and in my partner, as well as between both of us. My interest is in communion rather than electricity; a real understanding and connection. If I am concerned that I tend towards being too inactive, not explosive enough, not tense enough; looking at it from this perspective, the solution is very clear: I must be more comfortable being open and vulnerable. I have made the mistake again and again of looking at it as a problem of not being bold enough, not strong enough, not enough a rock star. This is a dead end for me. It's about opening, opening, opening. That's where the fiery heart of it is.
This is kind of obvious, but sometimes it takes a conversation like this, where I sort of get a new role, a new identity, to really get perspective on it. I mean, of course I knew all these fundamentals, but deep down I was harboring hopes that I was this other type of person that I am not. That is a recipe for feeling choked up and powerless. Time to let go of that.
I don't feel like I have solved it all. On the contrary, I feel like I've entered a new atmosphere and am starting on square one with my whole concept of what it means to be sexual. Exciting stuff. Huge stuff.
I am going to log off soon, but before I do, I want to at least mention the nearly 2 hour long conversation I had with Sarah this morning / afternoon. It was fundamentally work related, but it brought out a lot of emotion in me. I think she felt a little put-off, but it was great for me to be able to get all these feelings out and play around with them for a while. When talking about how intense the conversation was, noting how much I was feeling at the moment, I said "I am very emotionally reactive to you." She gave me that "oh, shit, he's talking about being attracted to me" look, but I think she got that I meant just that, no more, no less. On Sunday she suggested to me that the great chemistry between us is a chemistry between friends, and I think it all came up today. Was it a coincidence that this happened on a day where I intentionally made an effort to observe my sexuality separate from other emotional needs? I don't think so. It felt a lot freer.
There is so much more here, but I will leave it at this today.
Good night, all.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Business Yoga Writing
Much to talk about. Little energy. Let's see what I come up with.
Work was busy. Really, really busy. The most "busy" making thing was people needing to talk to me over and over again about the same things. Toward the end of the day, someone came into my office without greeting me, sat down in a chair, and, before he could say anything, I said "*****, I'm sorry, but I don't have time to talk to you right now." This person had actually come to the shelter that day to volunteer, not to receive case management services, which makes it more annoying. But I can't really stay upset at the guy, ultimately. He's just needy. But it takes up so much of my time and energy to deal with everything.
I'm not writing this so much to gripe as to focus on this as an issue. This is a draining part of my day, the talk that doesn't go anywhere, that doesn't need to happen. It takes away from what I can give to the people I'm supposed to be focusing on. How do I deal with it better? I guess I could more aggressively do what I waited until the end of the day to do - politely set boundaries. Not just assume that I need to address everyone's problems all the time - or, to phrase it more accurately, to babysit everyone all the time. If it were genuine, clearly defined problems that were coming at me all day, it would be something different. What I am encountering is fundamental, unconscious neediness. It is everyone's responsibility to deal with this neediness in a careful, mindful way that both satisfies their needs and respects the needs of others, but this is difficult shit, and saying that people could deal with it better is not directly addressing the problem of my energy drain.
I am learning. It's not that I don't know what to do. I need to trickily walk the razor-thin line that is kind and humane boundary-setting. Just remarking, is all. Observing and remarking. It's not gotten to the point of being a crisis yet. It is something to watch out for.
Yoga was good. It will be a shame that I won't have class for two weeks. I really need to work on my hip area. Whenever I do a forward bend, I feel like I am tensing a spring. My body wants to spring back. This is, as far as I can tell, what muscle tightness is all about. But it feels weird not really being able to relax into the poses. I don't remember having this issue when I did yoga back in 2003 / 2004. Is my body tenser (probably)? Is my understanding of the poses getting deeper and richer and causing me to reconsider how I do them (most definitely)?
Other than that, I felt very strongly today, at one moment, how important it is for me to do creative writing in a comfortable way. By comfortable, I'm excluding writing exercises. I mean, real gutsy writing, which to me means its something I not only enjoy writing, but I think about the piece all day long - it holds my imagination captive. Something like this is important to me; something like this is intrinsic to my self-esteem. But how to get back into it? I need rest right now. Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow. Just writing one line is not it. I wrote a couple pages like 2 months ago as part of 30 days of feeling - it did not jump start. I guess just thinking about it is engaging with it to a certain extent. It will come. I want it. It will come.
Good night.
Work was busy. Really, really busy. The most "busy" making thing was people needing to talk to me over and over again about the same things. Toward the end of the day, someone came into my office without greeting me, sat down in a chair, and, before he could say anything, I said "*****, I'm sorry, but I don't have time to talk to you right now." This person had actually come to the shelter that day to volunteer, not to receive case management services, which makes it more annoying. But I can't really stay upset at the guy, ultimately. He's just needy. But it takes up so much of my time and energy to deal with everything.
I'm not writing this so much to gripe as to focus on this as an issue. This is a draining part of my day, the talk that doesn't go anywhere, that doesn't need to happen. It takes away from what I can give to the people I'm supposed to be focusing on. How do I deal with it better? I guess I could more aggressively do what I waited until the end of the day to do - politely set boundaries. Not just assume that I need to address everyone's problems all the time - or, to phrase it more accurately, to babysit everyone all the time. If it were genuine, clearly defined problems that were coming at me all day, it would be something different. What I am encountering is fundamental, unconscious neediness. It is everyone's responsibility to deal with this neediness in a careful, mindful way that both satisfies their needs and respects the needs of others, but this is difficult shit, and saying that people could deal with it better is not directly addressing the problem of my energy drain.
I am learning. It's not that I don't know what to do. I need to trickily walk the razor-thin line that is kind and humane boundary-setting. Just remarking, is all. Observing and remarking. It's not gotten to the point of being a crisis yet. It is something to watch out for.
Yoga was good. It will be a shame that I won't have class for two weeks. I really need to work on my hip area. Whenever I do a forward bend, I feel like I am tensing a spring. My body wants to spring back. This is, as far as I can tell, what muscle tightness is all about. But it feels weird not really being able to relax into the poses. I don't remember having this issue when I did yoga back in 2003 / 2004. Is my body tenser (probably)? Is my understanding of the poses getting deeper and richer and causing me to reconsider how I do them (most definitely)?
Other than that, I felt very strongly today, at one moment, how important it is for me to do creative writing in a comfortable way. By comfortable, I'm excluding writing exercises. I mean, real gutsy writing, which to me means its something I not only enjoy writing, but I think about the piece all day long - it holds my imagination captive. Something like this is important to me; something like this is intrinsic to my self-esteem. But how to get back into it? I need rest right now. Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow. Just writing one line is not it. I wrote a couple pages like 2 months ago as part of 30 days of feeling - it did not jump start. I guess just thinking about it is engaging with it to a certain extent. It will come. I want it. It will come.
Good night.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Neutered
There are a lot of things I am feeling right now; a lot of things I can talk about.
The one that is sticking right now, good for me to think about it, or bad for me, is frustration over the fact that I have never felt any sense of control or freedom when it comes to relationships, and I feel like I never will.
I talked to Sarah about my feelings today, stumblingly, awkwardly, but sincerely, and I think maybe it will be the last time. She's right about a lot of things: our friendship is just that, and if I'm feeling great about her, and I'm getting a lot out of the platonic relationship we have, (and, as a Plato nerd, I can say this relationship actually deserves to be called platonic), why do I need to turn it into something else?
I don't know the answer to that. I have emotional and physical needs, and I would like them satisfied. Maybe Sarah is not the one to do that. But who should it be, damn it, if it's not someone I'm so attracted to? Why can't we just try it out and see if it works, why is it always an immediate, non-deliberated no, no, no?
People have said yes to me before, not the least of which being Alexa, and I don't want it to look like that doesn't matter. It does. My problem here is not that no one says yes; my problem is that it's so bipolar, so extreme for me. I've either had years-long relationships with people, or complete and utter rejection (sexually). Absolutely nothing in between. How can this be a venue for experimentation, for play, for figuring out my needs and my capabilities and my desires?
Sarah is absolutely allowed to say no. What frustrates me is that it never even really seemed like an option. That pisses me off. Like there was no choice involved - it was unthinkable for her. That really sucks. This makes me wonder, why do I even have genitalia at all? What's the point?
Am I getting this across? I feel powerless when it comes to sex. Completely and utterly powerless, at the mercy of factors I have no say in. I feel like free will applies to this as much as it does turning a lump of coal into an ice cream sundae.
And this is not just about meeting new people. This absolutely has come into play in my relationships.
I know the obvious solution is to somehow not feel powerless. To learn to take control better, to observe better, to keep a better attitude. But this is hard - my worldview is shaped around the notion that I have no control when it comes to sex. It's going to take a lot of work to change this, and I am still not entirely confident that it is possible. I am tempted to blame society for requiring me, in order to satisfy my needs, to act in a way it has taken great measures to train me not to act in. I know, I know, that's not true. I am responsible. But the evidence is still kind of shady to me. Where is this power? Why do I not have it? Why do others seem to have stumbled onto it accidentally, while I have to flounder forever?
Fortunately, I'm doing work on these things. It's discouraging, because I'm almost 28 and really these are things most people figure out at least 5 to 10 years earlier than I am, but I need to keep working.
Fortunately. But not happily. At least not at this moment.
I'm sorry, I can't really offer a bright side at the moment. There will be tomorrow.
Good night.
The one that is sticking right now, good for me to think about it, or bad for me, is frustration over the fact that I have never felt any sense of control or freedom when it comes to relationships, and I feel like I never will.
I talked to Sarah about my feelings today, stumblingly, awkwardly, but sincerely, and I think maybe it will be the last time. She's right about a lot of things: our friendship is just that, and if I'm feeling great about her, and I'm getting a lot out of the platonic relationship we have, (and, as a Plato nerd, I can say this relationship actually deserves to be called platonic), why do I need to turn it into something else?
I don't know the answer to that. I have emotional and physical needs, and I would like them satisfied. Maybe Sarah is not the one to do that. But who should it be, damn it, if it's not someone I'm so attracted to? Why can't we just try it out and see if it works, why is it always an immediate, non-deliberated no, no, no?
People have said yes to me before, not the least of which being Alexa, and I don't want it to look like that doesn't matter. It does. My problem here is not that no one says yes; my problem is that it's so bipolar, so extreme for me. I've either had years-long relationships with people, or complete and utter rejection (sexually). Absolutely nothing in between. How can this be a venue for experimentation, for play, for figuring out my needs and my capabilities and my desires?
Sarah is absolutely allowed to say no. What frustrates me is that it never even really seemed like an option. That pisses me off. Like there was no choice involved - it was unthinkable for her. That really sucks. This makes me wonder, why do I even have genitalia at all? What's the point?
Am I getting this across? I feel powerless when it comes to sex. Completely and utterly powerless, at the mercy of factors I have no say in. I feel like free will applies to this as much as it does turning a lump of coal into an ice cream sundae.
And this is not just about meeting new people. This absolutely has come into play in my relationships.
I know the obvious solution is to somehow not feel powerless. To learn to take control better, to observe better, to keep a better attitude. But this is hard - my worldview is shaped around the notion that I have no control when it comes to sex. It's going to take a lot of work to change this, and I am still not entirely confident that it is possible. I am tempted to blame society for requiring me, in order to satisfy my needs, to act in a way it has taken great measures to train me not to act in. I know, I know, that's not true. I am responsible. But the evidence is still kind of shady to me. Where is this power? Why do I not have it? Why do others seem to have stumbled onto it accidentally, while I have to flounder forever?
Fortunately, I'm doing work on these things. It's discouraging, because I'm almost 28 and really these are things most people figure out at least 5 to 10 years earlier than I am, but I need to keep working.
Fortunately. But not happily. At least not at this moment.
I'm sorry, I can't really offer a bright side at the moment. There will be tomorrow.
Good night.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Flow - Strength.
So today I thought a lot about Flow. I talked about that plenty with Sam last week; and today I could see it so clearly. I have known the concept, but it was excellent, this past Tuesday, to really connect with examples from my own life how often when I am faced with a feeling that is both apathy and restlessness at the same time, usually what I am looking for is flow.
When I'm searching for things on the internet, not knowing what I'm after or why, what I want is this flow.
The term has been sort of adopted by psychologist Czikszentmihaly. I remember Any recommending his book Flow to me, and relating to me how she noticed that she was seeking flow when playing video games, and she played scales on the piano to sort of shake herself out of the desperate, seeking feeling that lack of flow produces. This story has stuck in my mind ever since; the thought comes to me once and a while. And I don't know what it is, but it finally made sense to me in a real way this afternoon, when I was playing video games. I thought to myself:
Maybe I need to not buy into these thoughts that I need to play a game, when obviously I am not engaging with the games, not focusing on them. I am just consuming them and moving on to the next ones. If I could somehow make myself feel more open, more connected, more alive, then I wouldn't need to look in these places (on the internet, with video games, with stimulation, needing to see images of people and hear voices, on t.v. or radio) for satisfaction.
The big reveal involving Sarah was noticing how much of what I got from her was something that actually resides inside of me, this strength of feeling. I described it to Sam as feeling like water was poured into me: it's a quenching feeling, a fuller and denser feeling, as well as quickening and enlivening and lifting - the difference between a living leaf and a dead leaf.
This is my stuff. This is not Sarah's. I need to sort this stuff out. In fact, I shouldn't even really be turning this discussion into something about Sarah - it's primally important activity. I simply make the point: I am projecting this issue onto her, as I have projected it onto many other people. I feel smaller around her because this idea is perfect and impersonal, as far as she is concerned, and it therefore reduces her humanity. This is not real relation; and it is not real flow. Real flow is when I own that feeling for myself; real relation is when I am not looking for my own strength to come from someone else.
So much I can write down now. Hopefully I won't forget it.
Good night.
When I'm searching for things on the internet, not knowing what I'm after or why, what I want is this flow.
The term has been sort of adopted by psychologist Czikszentmihaly. I remember Any recommending his book Flow to me, and relating to me how she noticed that she was seeking flow when playing video games, and she played scales on the piano to sort of shake herself out of the desperate, seeking feeling that lack of flow produces. This story has stuck in my mind ever since; the thought comes to me once and a while. And I don't know what it is, but it finally made sense to me in a real way this afternoon, when I was playing video games. I thought to myself:
Maybe I need to not buy into these thoughts that I need to play a game, when obviously I am not engaging with the games, not focusing on them. I am just consuming them and moving on to the next ones. If I could somehow make myself feel more open, more connected, more alive, then I wouldn't need to look in these places (on the internet, with video games, with stimulation, needing to see images of people and hear voices, on t.v. or radio) for satisfaction.
The big reveal involving Sarah was noticing how much of what I got from her was something that actually resides inside of me, this strength of feeling. I described it to Sam as feeling like water was poured into me: it's a quenching feeling, a fuller and denser feeling, as well as quickening and enlivening and lifting - the difference between a living leaf and a dead leaf.
This is my stuff. This is not Sarah's. I need to sort this stuff out. In fact, I shouldn't even really be turning this discussion into something about Sarah - it's primally important activity. I simply make the point: I am projecting this issue onto her, as I have projected it onto many other people. I feel smaller around her because this idea is perfect and impersonal, as far as she is concerned, and it therefore reduces her humanity. This is not real relation; and it is not real flow. Real flow is when I own that feeling for myself; real relation is when I am not looking for my own strength to come from someone else.
So much I can write down now. Hopefully I won't forget it.
Good night.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Again, logging in, when I know it's so late that I'll begin drifting off during zazen afterward. Oh well.
I've temporarily lost interest in many of the issues plaguing me, due to focusing on Iceland logistics. I wrote the messages I needed to today and . . . they paid off. I now have places to stay around the entire island. Now my only challenges are: 1. Figuring out transportation 2. Finding suitable soaking spots. 3. Finding a good hotel to stay at for my birthday. I want to splurge. I wrote an e-mail to one place that looked great: Dimmuborgir Guesthouse. It's on the shores of Mývatn, which I hear is achingly beautiful in the winter, and surrounded by excellent hot springs. No response yet. I'll keep looking.
Anyway, I'm developing somewhat of an itinerary: Mossfellsbær (with daytrips to downtown Reykjavik), The Golden Circle (Geysir, Gullfloss, Þingvellir), Snæfellsness, Akureyri, Mývatn, Egilsstaður, Eyrarbakki, then Bláa Lónið (The Blue Lagoon) on my way back to the airport (if I didn't hit it on the way out)! It's all coming together.
I did chat with Sarah a tiny bit. I was not feeling it - not ready yet. We are tentatively scheduling a dinner together at Pho Kim, one of my new favorite restaurants in town. Sorry, Xiclo, you never made it in the door, somehow. I know I have things to say to her, but I'm really feeling like it's not a big deal right now. I've got better things to pay attention to, to pine over.
Interesting note: Kando, the leader of the zen group I've visited at the UU church a few times, turns out to be prominent plastic surgeon James Green. I don't think I really need to have an opinion about that, but it was interesting.
The group is infinitely convenient to me. There is a good atmosphere during the sitting. But I have to be honest - Kando talks too much for me, and there seems to be less interaction than I would like. I feel right now that this is fine; it's something I can deal with for the time being. However, if I ask myself what I really want out of a zen group, this is not quite it, and I think my qualms are valid: 1. I would like the atmosphere to be more egalitarian, with less of a sensei dynamic. 2. I would like it to be more actively social, with time for people to talk, chitchat, for us to get to know each other's names and say a little bit about why we practice and what problems we're having. Nothing too much, of course, but just something along those lines would be nice.
I had the opportunity to visit an NA meeting today. It was wonderful. I really feel that 12-step support groups are a good model for what people should be doing with their lives. That is, sharing them with others and spreading support all around for fellow mistake-makers and strugglers. Good lord, how much of that is missing from people's lives. There is a little bit of ceremony and theory that goes with 12-steps, but, really, it's people sharing their feelings, their struggles, and everyone in the group responding with gratitude, respect and lots of hugs. This sounds cheesy, but this stuff is crucial. Depression rates are on the rise; we're not taking care of each other emotionally. I hope I can go more often. I hope I can find a support group of my own, someday. Everyone needs one.
That will do for now.
Góða nótt!
I've temporarily lost interest in many of the issues plaguing me, due to focusing on Iceland logistics. I wrote the messages I needed to today and . . . they paid off. I now have places to stay around the entire island. Now my only challenges are: 1. Figuring out transportation 2. Finding suitable soaking spots. 3. Finding a good hotel to stay at for my birthday. I want to splurge. I wrote an e-mail to one place that looked great: Dimmuborgir Guesthouse. It's on the shores of Mývatn, which I hear is achingly beautiful in the winter, and surrounded by excellent hot springs. No response yet. I'll keep looking.
Anyway, I'm developing somewhat of an itinerary: Mossfellsbær (with daytrips to downtown Reykjavik), The Golden Circle (Geysir, Gullfloss, Þingvellir), Snæfellsness, Akureyri, Mývatn, Egilsstaður, Eyrarbakki, then Bláa Lónið (The Blue Lagoon) on my way back to the airport (if I didn't hit it on the way out)! It's all coming together.
I did chat with Sarah a tiny bit. I was not feeling it - not ready yet. We are tentatively scheduling a dinner together at Pho Kim, one of my new favorite restaurants in town. Sorry, Xiclo, you never made it in the door, somehow. I know I have things to say to her, but I'm really feeling like it's not a big deal right now. I've got better things to pay attention to, to pine over.
Interesting note: Kando, the leader of the zen group I've visited at the UU church a few times, turns out to be prominent plastic surgeon James Green. I don't think I really need to have an opinion about that, but it was interesting.
The group is infinitely convenient to me. There is a good atmosphere during the sitting. But I have to be honest - Kando talks too much for me, and there seems to be less interaction than I would like. I feel right now that this is fine; it's something I can deal with for the time being. However, if I ask myself what I really want out of a zen group, this is not quite it, and I think my qualms are valid: 1. I would like the atmosphere to be more egalitarian, with less of a sensei dynamic. 2. I would like it to be more actively social, with time for people to talk, chitchat, for us to get to know each other's names and say a little bit about why we practice and what problems we're having. Nothing too much, of course, but just something along those lines would be nice.
I had the opportunity to visit an NA meeting today. It was wonderful. I really feel that 12-step support groups are a good model for what people should be doing with their lives. That is, sharing them with others and spreading support all around for fellow mistake-makers and strugglers. Good lord, how much of that is missing from people's lives. There is a little bit of ceremony and theory that goes with 12-steps, but, really, it's people sharing their feelings, their struggles, and everyone in the group responding with gratitude, respect and lots of hugs. This sounds cheesy, but this stuff is crucial. Depression rates are on the rise; we're not taking care of each other emotionally. I hope I can go more often. I hope I can find a support group of my own, someday. Everyone needs one.
That will do for now.
Góða nótt!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Imagine a boat floating just above the ripples on the water
Nothing too crazy, tonight. It's not ridiculously late, like the past couple nights, but I still would like to keep this short so I can get to bed - before 10, if possible. It would be the first Thursday in a long time where I went to bed at a reasonable hour.
I've got some work cut out for me - I still feel like I need to plan a little more for Iceland. At least get a better idea of where to go. I think I'm pretty certain I'm going to hang out in REK for a few days, then hitchhike along the Hringvegur north toward Akureyri, then camp out around Myvatn for a couple days before heading back. I think I might go all the way around, just for circularity's sake. In that case, I have a place to stay in Egillstadir. What would make sense is if I then stayed with Unnur in Eyarbakki, just south of REK, before heading out again. We shall see.
I think my next course of action is clear: send a couple couchsurfing requests for Northern cities and southern cities. Blonduos, Akureyri, and then seek out a couple to the south (I haven't researched the south very much). Contact Unnur with my plans, see what she says. I'd also like to try Gummi, Runa's brother, see what he offers. I think there are maybe 3 people in couchsurfing to write; that gives me 5 messages to do. I should do them tomorrow. What time? [I'm clearly just thinking with my fingers, here]. Not sure. I'll find something. Late at night, I guess, though that's always a bad idea. But I must do it all tomorrow, otherwise I will not feel at rest.
There is plenty going on emotionally. I told Sarah I was falling for her fast. I used those words; for once I'm not paraphrasing. She says she does not feel the same way. I know I am frustrated by that; it's especially dumb, because we went over this basically before. But I managed to get confused again along the way. I still feel it's mixed signals. I need to stop wanting to add to that "Maybe I'm wrong." I'm right. It's mixed signals. But mixed signals does not have to be a disaster; it just means we need to talk about things, sort them out, set some boundaries. It will be fine.
Of course, remembering that it will be fine is not really the support I need: I need to fully process what I am feeling. I feel a lot of grief and anger, that Sarah is not interested in a relationship. It's difficult to talk about this without being bitter. I want to come up with a thousand reasons that would explain it away, but there is no simple explanation. I do, however, feel that there is something unique in our interactions that has never been there before, when someone was not interested in me. This makes me feel that there is something fishy going on. It's not me or her alone; it's both of us. We're both putting up a block. I swear, it's not that there's nothing there. It would be very good for me to understand how I contribute to this block. Really important.
And about Any - well, shit, it's 10 o'clock now. I'm going to write her a quick e-mail, and hopefully we can meet this weekend. I'm not angry anymore, but, as above, there are a few things I'd like to talk about. I need to think these things through more; I haven't pinpointed exactly what I want to say, but a friendly message will suffice for now.
Ok, to work on that.
Good night.
I've got some work cut out for me - I still feel like I need to plan a little more for Iceland. At least get a better idea of where to go. I think I'm pretty certain I'm going to hang out in REK for a few days, then hitchhike along the Hringvegur north toward Akureyri, then camp out around Myvatn for a couple days before heading back. I think I might go all the way around, just for circularity's sake. In that case, I have a place to stay in Egillstadir. What would make sense is if I then stayed with Unnur in Eyarbakki, just south of REK, before heading out again. We shall see.
I think my next course of action is clear: send a couple couchsurfing requests for Northern cities and southern cities. Blonduos, Akureyri, and then seek out a couple to the south (I haven't researched the south very much). Contact Unnur with my plans, see what she says. I'd also like to try Gummi, Runa's brother, see what he offers. I think there are maybe 3 people in couchsurfing to write; that gives me 5 messages to do. I should do them tomorrow. What time? [I'm clearly just thinking with my fingers, here]. Not sure. I'll find something. Late at night, I guess, though that's always a bad idea. But I must do it all tomorrow, otherwise I will not feel at rest.
There is plenty going on emotionally. I told Sarah I was falling for her fast. I used those words; for once I'm not paraphrasing. She says she does not feel the same way. I know I am frustrated by that; it's especially dumb, because we went over this basically before. But I managed to get confused again along the way. I still feel it's mixed signals. I need to stop wanting to add to that "Maybe I'm wrong." I'm right. It's mixed signals. But mixed signals does not have to be a disaster; it just means we need to talk about things, sort them out, set some boundaries. It will be fine.
Of course, remembering that it will be fine is not really the support I need: I need to fully process what I am feeling. I feel a lot of grief and anger, that Sarah is not interested in a relationship. It's difficult to talk about this without being bitter. I want to come up with a thousand reasons that would explain it away, but there is no simple explanation. I do, however, feel that there is something unique in our interactions that has never been there before, when someone was not interested in me. This makes me feel that there is something fishy going on. It's not me or her alone; it's both of us. We're both putting up a block. I swear, it's not that there's nothing there. It would be very good for me to understand how I contribute to this block. Really important.
And about Any - well, shit, it's 10 o'clock now. I'm going to write her a quick e-mail, and hopefully we can meet this weekend. I'm not angry anymore, but, as above, there are a few things I'd like to talk about. I need to think these things through more; I haven't pinpointed exactly what I want to say, but a friendly message will suffice for now.
Ok, to work on that.
Good night.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
What did you do today?
A lot of things. And stuff. And other things. And other stuff.
It's pretty late - I'll be keeping this short.
Feelings running around in circles, as always. Flying dangerously close to the candle.
I got some cool new adult toys at REI today - a really nice winter coat and a rockin' sleeping bag. My old one was not all that warm, entirely NOT mummy-like, and just not pulling its weight around, in general. I'm not done there - I just need to buy a nice pair of wind-resistant outer gloves (I got the inner ones today) and possibly a wind-resistant hat. I should be ready for some slightly sub-arctic winter hiking.
Time slips away for my trip. I found a new region (Mývatn) I might be able to just set as a goal at this point and work from there. I'm also now toying with the idea of renting a car, but I still feel that will be isolating, and I'm changing my route to include bus routes, which would be a good option if hitchhiking is not going to work.
Yes, emotions. Running circles, as I said. I'm just taking it one day at a time. Meditation is going very well these days, although I find myself slipping away as the time since my last group session increases. Is group session really that helpful, really that much of a recharge for me? In that case, I hope Kando acts like I know nothing every single time, treats me like I don't know anything. That way, I might remain in beginner's mind?
No time to write to Any. I will do when I can. I would like to do that before the weekend, if possible.
Going to sit. No, I'm going to do something bold, and then I'm going to sit.
Good night.
It's pretty late - I'll be keeping this short.
Feelings running around in circles, as always. Flying dangerously close to the candle.
I got some cool new adult toys at REI today - a really nice winter coat and a rockin' sleeping bag. My old one was not all that warm, entirely NOT mummy-like, and just not pulling its weight around, in general. I'm not done there - I just need to buy a nice pair of wind-resistant outer gloves (I got the inner ones today) and possibly a wind-resistant hat. I should be ready for some slightly sub-arctic winter hiking.
Time slips away for my trip. I found a new region (Mývatn) I might be able to just set as a goal at this point and work from there. I'm also now toying with the idea of renting a car, but I still feel that will be isolating, and I'm changing my route to include bus routes, which would be a good option if hitchhiking is not going to work.
Yes, emotions. Running circles, as I said. I'm just taking it one day at a time. Meditation is going very well these days, although I find myself slipping away as the time since my last group session increases. Is group session really that helpful, really that much of a recharge for me? In that case, I hope Kando acts like I know nothing every single time, treats me like I don't know anything. That way, I might remain in beginner's mind?
No time to write to Any. I will do when I can. I would like to do that before the weekend, if possible.
Going to sit. No, I'm going to do something bold, and then I'm going to sit.
Good night.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Cuts and Knicks
Oh man, this life. This body. This mind. Oh, man.
Not really complaining. Just venting feeling.
What a weird time at work. I feel much better now, but, good god.
I remember last week's meeting with Sam. How all my feelings of being broken, inferior, dysfunctional, toxic, hide the real relation underneath. I just feel all bruised and wounded. I kind of hated Any and Sarah for a moment there: why are they skewering me like this? For what purpose? Was it a necessary consequence of me being so withholding? Maybe. I feel all bruised, though. I know. I know that withholding myself is an issue I have: but is it really so bad?
Yes, it's really so bad, but beating myself up over it is not dealing with it.
I can write this now. I can say: I feel hurt. It is a fact: I felt hurt this afternoon. And this is my blog, so I'm going to complain: the way Any talked to me this evening I felt was very condescending and unsympathetic. I would write more, but I think it would be more appropriate to talk to her directly, in private. I will need to think more over the next day or two about how I feel. I am angry right now. I feel demeaned, not treated with sufficient respect. But I can't separate the immediate hurt with the notion of how I should be treated, at least for now. Any, I know you read this, I will talk to you tomorrow probably. I don't hate you or anything; I'm just trying to work through this.
I feel so ashamed to not be perfectly composed. But, really, fuck that.
I am feeling all kinds of emotional stress right now and the past few days. I can't really afford to project it onto other people: I need to own this stuff.
I am dangerous with my attachments. I am dangerously attached to the cute Siamese-mix cat who lives on the shelter patio, who I took to the vet today with intern Sam. Next chance I have - I don't know when - I need to talk to Jesus and Mary about the possibility of adopting him (man, I love their names - that reads hilarious). Probably no, but I should at least give it a shot, make the case, before I go through the infinitely more difficult procedure of finding someone else to adopt him.
And I am still just as confused as ever about Sarah. I want to say: "I thought I was over her, but here I go again" or something like that, but it's not true. I never thought I was over her. I just feel something too real there. But what is it? I don't know. Is this supposed to be some sort of ultra-friendship that feels like you're in love? No, that feels off, because my sexuality is not taken into consideration. Am I supposed to steel myself against her, run away, distance myself? Isn't that what I normally do, the thing that messes everything up, no matter what the context? Hmmm... that leaves treating myself and her humanely. But how to do that? Here's the conflict: I want to be someone who just loves somebody and, yes, stays with her until 11pm like he wants to and brings her bubbles and thai iced tea, like he's thinking the whole time - that is to say, acts on his feelings without shame or fear - but can somehow do that without holding his dick between his legs. I need to figure out how to do that.
Really, why don't I just go for broke at this table?
Why? Because I don't exactly understand what I do or do not have to lose, and that's a bad way to go gambling.
All right, I need to go to bed.
Good night.
Not really complaining. Just venting feeling.
What a weird time at work. I feel much better now, but, good god.
I remember last week's meeting with Sam. How all my feelings of being broken, inferior, dysfunctional, toxic, hide the real relation underneath. I just feel all bruised and wounded. I kind of hated Any and Sarah for a moment there: why are they skewering me like this? For what purpose? Was it a necessary consequence of me being so withholding? Maybe. I feel all bruised, though. I know. I know that withholding myself is an issue I have: but is it really so bad?
Yes, it's really so bad, but beating myself up over it is not dealing with it.
I can write this now. I can say: I feel hurt. It is a fact: I felt hurt this afternoon. And this is my blog, so I'm going to complain: the way Any talked to me this evening I felt was very condescending and unsympathetic. I would write more, but I think it would be more appropriate to talk to her directly, in private. I will need to think more over the next day or two about how I feel. I am angry right now. I feel demeaned, not treated with sufficient respect. But I can't separate the immediate hurt with the notion of how I should be treated, at least for now. Any, I know you read this, I will talk to you tomorrow probably. I don't hate you or anything; I'm just trying to work through this.
I feel so ashamed to not be perfectly composed. But, really, fuck that.
I am feeling all kinds of emotional stress right now and the past few days. I can't really afford to project it onto other people: I need to own this stuff.
I am dangerous with my attachments. I am dangerously attached to the cute Siamese-mix cat who lives on the shelter patio, who I took to the vet today with intern Sam. Next chance I have - I don't know when - I need to talk to Jesus and Mary about the possibility of adopting him (man, I love their names - that reads hilarious). Probably no, but I should at least give it a shot, make the case, before I go through the infinitely more difficult procedure of finding someone else to adopt him.
And I am still just as confused as ever about Sarah. I want to say: "I thought I was over her, but here I go again" or something like that, but it's not true. I never thought I was over her. I just feel something too real there. But what is it? I don't know. Is this supposed to be some sort of ultra-friendship that feels like you're in love? No, that feels off, because my sexuality is not taken into consideration. Am I supposed to steel myself against her, run away, distance myself? Isn't that what I normally do, the thing that messes everything up, no matter what the context? Hmmm... that leaves treating myself and her humanely. But how to do that? Here's the conflict: I want to be someone who just loves somebody and, yes, stays with her until 11pm like he wants to and brings her bubbles and thai iced tea, like he's thinking the whole time - that is to say, acts on his feelings without shame or fear - but can somehow do that without holding his dick between his legs. I need to figure out how to do that.
Really, why don't I just go for broke at this table?
Why? Because I don't exactly understand what I do or do not have to lose, and that's a bad way to go gambling.
All right, I need to go to bed.
Good night.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Day of 2007 - 17
Busy, busy. Tired, tired. No time, no time.
I want to say: I have no time for this blog. But I can keep logging in, keep checking in with it and just write a few lines, like I'm doing now. So I lapse a day. That's fine.
I feel really drained and empty tonight. This has been a theme the whole weekend. Supposedly, what this means is that old patterns are wearing extra-thin, and it would be a good idea for me to work through them.
If life is more mysterious than how I am leading it right now, then please, life, surround me in your mystery. I'm tired of running around and doing things and filling out forms, standing in line and not getting any real emotional payback. I know it is my responsibility; you get out what you put in. But life, you are me, so make me more open, make me more willing to connect.
Sorry to complain. It's just that I would do so much more, would be much more engaged, if I felt things more strongly. Be overwhelming. Don't give me a chance to ruin everything by standing aside and withholding myself. Please. Am I so powerful that I can turn away the whole world? Batter my heart.
That is all.
Good night.
I want to say: I have no time for this blog. But I can keep logging in, keep checking in with it and just write a few lines, like I'm doing now. So I lapse a day. That's fine.
I feel really drained and empty tonight. This has been a theme the whole weekend. Supposedly, what this means is that old patterns are wearing extra-thin, and it would be a good idea for me to work through them.
If life is more mysterious than how I am leading it right now, then please, life, surround me in your mystery. I'm tired of running around and doing things and filling out forms, standing in line and not getting any real emotional payback. I know it is my responsibility; you get out what you put in. But life, you are me, so make me more open, make me more willing to connect.
Sorry to complain. It's just that I would do so much more, would be much more engaged, if I felt things more strongly. Be overwhelming. Don't give me a chance to ruin everything by standing aside and withholding myself. Please. Am I so powerful that I can turn away the whole world? Batter my heart.
That is all.
Good night.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Day of 2007 - 15
Okay, it's the 16th already. But the principle remains.
If it were 50 minutes ago, I would write: Ok, let's do this. Let's figure out this restless feeling that makes me sit here and waste time and do things I really don't need.
But I'm tired.
It was a decent long day. I got worried about a cat at the shelter. I went to Ojo Caliente with Abby. It was great, as always. But I feel I was missing something deeper...
Had an unsettling conversation at Jesus's birthday dinner. The guy I was talking to was calling me a Bolshevik, because I said accountability was important to having meaningful public dialogue. It was that, and a bunch of other things, but calling me a communist sums it up. It was absurd. I think I know what he was saying a little better now, but my original sentiment stands: he was just looking for opportunities to complain about his rights being trampled on, without really listening to what I was saying. Weird vibes; I was uncomfortable the whole time, really shivering. Yes, it was a little cold, but I usually don't shiver like that.
I feel a little off, physically. My right side is feeling tense - the thing the doctors couldn't figure out. Great. Should I just hope it goes away again? No, I should probably schedule an appointment, if that's at all possible. I don't have much time before Iceland. Sigh. I really feel out of sorts. I'm just going to sit zazen and go to bed; hopefully tomorrow will bring something else.
Good night.
If it were 50 minutes ago, I would write: Ok, let's do this. Let's figure out this restless feeling that makes me sit here and waste time and do things I really don't need.
But I'm tired.
It was a decent long day. I got worried about a cat at the shelter. I went to Ojo Caliente with Abby. It was great, as always. But I feel I was missing something deeper...
Had an unsettling conversation at Jesus's birthday dinner. The guy I was talking to was calling me a Bolshevik, because I said accountability was important to having meaningful public dialogue. It was that, and a bunch of other things, but calling me a communist sums it up. It was absurd. I think I know what he was saying a little better now, but my original sentiment stands: he was just looking for opportunities to complain about his rights being trampled on, without really listening to what I was saying. Weird vibes; I was uncomfortable the whole time, really shivering. Yes, it was a little cold, but I usually don't shiver like that.
I feel a little off, physically. My right side is feeling tense - the thing the doctors couldn't figure out. Great. Should I just hope it goes away again? No, I should probably schedule an appointment, if that's at all possible. I don't have much time before Iceland. Sigh. I really feel out of sorts. I'm just going to sit zazen and go to bed; hopefully tomorrow will bring something else.
Good night.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Day of 2007 - 14
Another too-late night when I need to wake up early. I'll get it at some point.
For now, I have too much to do. I didn't waste too much time tonight, unless you count all the online dating stuff I'm spending time with. And I'm not counting that.
So I went to the local zazen group that meets weekly at the UU church. It was good. I felt that maybe the priest who led it was a little too talkative; but it was fine; he was fine. He's kind of a goofy guy, and I can tell he knows that and doesn't mind. At the beginning I felt just a tiny pang of annoyance that he was talking to me and the other newcomer as if we had never done zazen before. By the end of the roughly 75-minute session, that did not bother me at all. It felt like just what I needed. I'm glad my little incident with Upaya has ended me up where I need to be.
I'd kind of like more socializing somehow; but I can figure that out later. For now, it's just something good for me.
So I've found a new way to spend my time well, in a group. In about 2 weeks I'll be going to my first meeting of a shamanism meetup group I found, too.
But zazen was really, really great. I just needed an extra boost; the extra experience of working on the practice with and in the presence of other people sent me to a new level of practice. What does that mean? A new level of accountability! I easily slip into day dreams. Kando asked us not to do so - so I tried not to do so. It really reminded me how much I've been letting slide in my individual practice. Not that my individual practice has been wasted for lack of focus - I have gotten really, really comfortable sitting, physically and mentally. This is not insignificant. It makes everything calmer; it means I can sort of cut to the chase right away without spending much time at all wondering about my posture or whether I can make it the whole time or not. It's just that I haven't been cutting to the chase - but when I decided to go ahead and do so tonight, I was incredibly ready, and I had one of the most open and aware sessions I've ever had.
Okay, enough - it's a good little victory but I'm not going to dwell on it much any more.
I don't know how 2007 fits in - indeed, I'm beginning to really feel like this project is an imposition. I'm much more interested in blogging about what happens day to day - day to day being something that's more exciting as time goes on. There's plenty to talk about - if I have the time to go deeper. I must recognize it's a good thing that I'm writing as much as I am, that I'm getting so comfortable with daily blogging. Hooray for me. I have the option to dig more if I want to.
I want to go to bed right now.
Good night.
For now, I have too much to do. I didn't waste too much time tonight, unless you count all the online dating stuff I'm spending time with. And I'm not counting that.
So I went to the local zazen group that meets weekly at the UU church. It was good. I felt that maybe the priest who led it was a little too talkative; but it was fine; he was fine. He's kind of a goofy guy, and I can tell he knows that and doesn't mind. At the beginning I felt just a tiny pang of annoyance that he was talking to me and the other newcomer as if we had never done zazen before. By the end of the roughly 75-minute session, that did not bother me at all. It felt like just what I needed. I'm glad my little incident with Upaya has ended me up where I need to be.
I'd kind of like more socializing somehow; but I can figure that out later. For now, it's just something good for me.
So I've found a new way to spend my time well, in a group. In about 2 weeks I'll be going to my first meeting of a shamanism meetup group I found, too.
But zazen was really, really great. I just needed an extra boost; the extra experience of working on the practice with and in the presence of other people sent me to a new level of practice. What does that mean? A new level of accountability! I easily slip into day dreams. Kando asked us not to do so - so I tried not to do so. It really reminded me how much I've been letting slide in my individual practice. Not that my individual practice has been wasted for lack of focus - I have gotten really, really comfortable sitting, physically and mentally. This is not insignificant. It makes everything calmer; it means I can sort of cut to the chase right away without spending much time at all wondering about my posture or whether I can make it the whole time or not. It's just that I haven't been cutting to the chase - but when I decided to go ahead and do so tonight, I was incredibly ready, and I had one of the most open and aware sessions I've ever had.
Okay, enough - it's a good little victory but I'm not going to dwell on it much any more.
I don't know how 2007 fits in - indeed, I'm beginning to really feel like this project is an imposition. I'm much more interested in blogging about what happens day to day - day to day being something that's more exciting as time goes on. There's plenty to talk about - if I have the time to go deeper. I must recognize it's a good thing that I'm writing as much as I am, that I'm getting so comfortable with daily blogging. Hooray for me. I have the option to dig more if I want to.
I want to go to bed right now.
Good night.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Day of 2007 - 13
Really, a good day today.
I went running with Erin. Something I had been putting off for a while, not with very much thought put into it, because I just assumed my running level is too low for Erin to enjoy my regimen. But of course that's not true, I never really thought that was true, and so when I thought about it for 2 seconds I invited here and of course we had a good time. She even seemed to be challenged a tiny bit, which made me feel like maybe I am little bit in shape these days. Of course I cannot do anything close to what she does (12 miles on trails near the ski basin? Good god.)
Nice long breakfast. I am enjoying the remains of my pickled tongue as cold cuts. It's tasty and really filling. Mary brought out some freshly squeezed apple cider she and Jesus got from their friend's orchard- and it was the best I've ever had. There is more, apparently. I must get some.
Fit in some Icelandic study.
Got some great messages from Runa, my new guide to Iceland. She is amazingly lending me her cell phone, which has an Icelandic number, for the duration of my trip.
Got another response from one of my OkCupid favorites. This site is really panning out for me. Of course my interactions there are in a very incipient and isolated form, and once I begin meeting people it will be much heavier, but it's fun for now. There are actually interesting people on there (as far as I can tell from their profiles).
Busy day at work. Not very relaxing but not too stressful, either. A good balance. Maybe "too stressful" at my work means more than it does at most jobs, so maybe today was very stressful by most standards, but it was fine. It was staff meeting day, and I always love that. It was funny, since everyone was crammed into my office. Fortunately, I have been collecting various types of sitting devices (only some of them are chairs), and I had space for 7 of the 9 people attending.
Made some really good sushi, if I do say so myself. It really baffles me that hardly anyone not of Asian descent does not realize that the rice in sushi is not plain rice. They seemed to think I was some magical sushi-creating god. Fun and delicious.
Trivia was great. Sadly, Helter Shelter is stuck in its eternally either 3rd or 4th place rut. I tell you, one day the questions are all going to be about classical music, ancient history and German philosopers. And Dwarf Fortress.
And Fox was at Trivia. What a great surprise. It was really good to see him after all this time. I hope we can reconnect when he settles down in New Mexico for a longer stretch than he seems to be planning. And takes some Shiso plants.
That will be all for tonight. I know, not very deep. There will be time for that. I just want to reflect that today was another brilliant Bloomsday.
Good night.
I went running with Erin. Something I had been putting off for a while, not with very much thought put into it, because I just assumed my running level is too low for Erin to enjoy my regimen. But of course that's not true, I never really thought that was true, and so when I thought about it for 2 seconds I invited here and of course we had a good time. She even seemed to be challenged a tiny bit, which made me feel like maybe I am little bit in shape these days. Of course I cannot do anything close to what she does (12 miles on trails near the ski basin? Good god.)
Nice long breakfast. I am enjoying the remains of my pickled tongue as cold cuts. It's tasty and really filling. Mary brought out some freshly squeezed apple cider she and Jesus got from their friend's orchard- and it was the best I've ever had. There is more, apparently. I must get some.
Fit in some Icelandic study.
Got some great messages from Runa, my new guide to Iceland. She is amazingly lending me her cell phone, which has an Icelandic number, for the duration of my trip.
Got another response from one of my OkCupid favorites. This site is really panning out for me. Of course my interactions there are in a very incipient and isolated form, and once I begin meeting people it will be much heavier, but it's fun for now. There are actually interesting people on there (as far as I can tell from their profiles).
Busy day at work. Not very relaxing but not too stressful, either. A good balance. Maybe "too stressful" at my work means more than it does at most jobs, so maybe today was very stressful by most standards, but it was fine. It was staff meeting day, and I always love that. It was funny, since everyone was crammed into my office. Fortunately, I have been collecting various types of sitting devices (only some of them are chairs), and I had space for 7 of the 9 people attending.
Made some really good sushi, if I do say so myself. It really baffles me that hardly anyone not of Asian descent does not realize that the rice in sushi is not plain rice. They seemed to think I was some magical sushi-creating god. Fun and delicious.
Trivia was great. Sadly, Helter Shelter is stuck in its eternally either 3rd or 4th place rut. I tell you, one day the questions are all going to be about classical music, ancient history and German philosopers. And Dwarf Fortress.
And Fox was at Trivia. What a great surprise. It was really good to see him after all this time. I hope we can reconnect when he settles down in New Mexico for a longer stretch than he seems to be planning. And takes some Shiso plants.
That will be all for tonight. I know, not very deep. There will be time for that. I just want to reflect that today was another brilliant Bloomsday.
Good night.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Day of 2007 - 12
I woke up really rested and energized, slightly before the alarm went off. This means I got out of bed slightly after the alarm went off, but that's improvement.
Brilliant session with Sam today. The main theme was how my feelings of guilt and toxicity are how my judgments about myself and other people get in the way of genuine empathy. For example, the feeling I felt from my dream about Alexa yesterday - I could feel regret and shame and guilt about the break-up, or I can feel the pure unadulterated sadness. It's my choice. But one path leads me away from my feelings and real connection with other people, the other leads me toward them.
Just feeling the sadness is acknowledging that it was painful; it is also having empathy for Alexa and the pain she is going through. Feeling toxic and guilty is continuing to put up a wall. We are broken up, but there still does not need to be a wall. It's never a good choice.
The sad irony is that choosing to respond to the sadness through self-punishment, self-loathing, in some unconscious, primitive effort to protect the other person, just leaves her with even less of me; and that makes me poorer too. I'm really sorry, Alexa. I really feel the pain of the whole thing fully (or relatively fully) now. This is good. I need to feel this way.
I almost burst into tears in my therapy session. It's never happened before, but I'm getting there. Not that it's something I should engineer; it's just helpful to watch. It was while I was discussing an argument I had with my mother about 12 years ago. Not going into details right now, but it was shameful and exasperating. My mom was visibly hurt by it, and seeing that made me feel shame and panic and pity and real resentment at the fact that, by doing what I thought was just being me, just being myself and feeling my feelings and believing my beliefs, I was causing so much pain for someone I loved. Why did I have to choose? If being me was so terrible for other people, why was I myself? You could dismiss these things as teenage angst, as the result of simply not understanding myself and other people well enough, but I still think that this is a real issue, not just for myself, but for everyone as they go through life.
This new trend I have of really trying to just sit with my feelings and recognize when I am not doing that is a great one, giving me great stride in dealing with all these conflicts.
Again, time to go - it's gotten too late. Nothing explicitly about 2007 - but, really, it's all about this feeling not okay with myself issue that has been at the forefront of my life.
That will be it for now.
Good night.
Brilliant session with Sam today. The main theme was how my feelings of guilt and toxicity are how my judgments about myself and other people get in the way of genuine empathy. For example, the feeling I felt from my dream about Alexa yesterday - I could feel regret and shame and guilt about the break-up, or I can feel the pure unadulterated sadness. It's my choice. But one path leads me away from my feelings and real connection with other people, the other leads me toward them.
Just feeling the sadness is acknowledging that it was painful; it is also having empathy for Alexa and the pain she is going through. Feeling toxic and guilty is continuing to put up a wall. We are broken up, but there still does not need to be a wall. It's never a good choice.
The sad irony is that choosing to respond to the sadness through self-punishment, self-loathing, in some unconscious, primitive effort to protect the other person, just leaves her with even less of me; and that makes me poorer too. I'm really sorry, Alexa. I really feel the pain of the whole thing fully (or relatively fully) now. This is good. I need to feel this way.
I almost burst into tears in my therapy session. It's never happened before, but I'm getting there. Not that it's something I should engineer; it's just helpful to watch. It was while I was discussing an argument I had with my mother about 12 years ago. Not going into details right now, but it was shameful and exasperating. My mom was visibly hurt by it, and seeing that made me feel shame and panic and pity and real resentment at the fact that, by doing what I thought was just being me, just being myself and feeling my feelings and believing my beliefs, I was causing so much pain for someone I loved. Why did I have to choose? If being me was so terrible for other people, why was I myself? You could dismiss these things as teenage angst, as the result of simply not understanding myself and other people well enough, but I still think that this is a real issue, not just for myself, but for everyone as they go through life.
This new trend I have of really trying to just sit with my feelings and recognize when I am not doing that is a great one, giving me great stride in dealing with all these conflicts.
Again, time to go - it's gotten too late. Nothing explicitly about 2007 - but, really, it's all about this feeling not okay with myself issue that has been at the forefront of my life.
That will be it for now.
Good night.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Day of 2007 - 11
Another fine Bloomsday.
I woke up awash in emotion. Actually, I woke up maybe 90 minutes too early. I laid in bed the entire time, wondering if I was going to get back to sleep. The alarm went off, and I hit snooze twice. For the third ring, I decided I just needed to sleep, so back to sleep I went. It did not damage my morning too much.
I had an anxiety dream. I don't remember all the details too much (setting: shopping mall somewhere on the Pacific coast), but a huge theme was Alexa. Tremendous emotion about her - regret, jealousy and something beyond both of those things. This feeling remained with me until I eventually went to work and got distracted by all the 10,000 things happening there.
I wish I could explain the feeling head on, but I'll just need to take jabs at it: like I said, jealousy and regret; a feeling of richness and fullness, combined with an immense sadness. Thoughts entered my head: why did I get it wrong, what have I done, why did I leave this, it was something beautiful. But somehow these thoughts are incomplete; I am not entirely alienated from what I'm pining for, this is something involving Alexa but not necessarily limited to her.
And this is what I meant, a few weeks ago, when I talked about the fire and the rose being one - this feeling is very full and very rich, but to interpret it as meaning - I regret leaving Alexa - would be simplistic. I also stand by decision in many ways. I can't just throw one perspective to the side of the road. I had my reasons, and they still exist. So I wonder - why am I feeling this now, why can't I feel this at the same time as my frustration, as feeling trapped and get a full, multidimensional picture? Why must my perspective of the situation alternate between good, bad, good, bad - why can't I emerge with a total picture?
The feeling I had this morning was very deep and very powerful. The feeling of needing to escape - it seems like a lower feeling. What this leads me to believe is that the reason I left Alexa is not because there was nothing there, but that I was paradoxically incapable of accessing what was there while I was there. I wish I could have, and I can look back with super x-ray 20/20 hindsight as much as I want, but I could only work with what I had at the time. I have what I have to work with now, because now is now.
To touch briefly on 2007 - all the drama of the Shelter of last Thursday and Friday - I think we worked some things out pretty well today. Things are more or less back to normal between Sarah and me - whatever that means. I had an interesting experience at the Staff Meeting we had: I was trying to observe the full range of the problem - the core issue being that St. Elizabeth takes on too much responsibility for Santa Fe's homeless - a group that the entire city should take responsibility for. It is glaringly true for me that the most immediate, practical next step is to begin uniting Santa Fe as a community, so that there is the proper soil from which creative and effective solutions can grow. When I think about it, however, I am, at first, overwhelmed at the enormity of the task - but there is something else going on, a reluctance to do anything, a resistance to getting up and doing something. There is still something lacking - what is it? What am I waiting for? Either I need to figure out what it is, or I need to change myself so that I am not constantly needing extra "somethings" in order to get done what needs to get done.
This is really puzzling. Why can't I just do? There is something lacking in the ground, in the air - or in my relationship to the ground, the air. Am I blind, or are the lights turned off? Where does the environment end and my own functionality begin?
Questions, questions.
I will leave with one last note. OkCupid is getting more and more interesting for me. I'm learning more about how to use it effectively, what I want to get out of it. It's certainly a step up from the craigslist dating I did 4 or so years ago. It brings with it a lot of overwhelming feelings - all the strange, quick judgments you have to make on people. I think I am generally too formal in my dealings with people for OkCupid to be 100% comfortable, but I am learning how to change that, how to balance caution with boldness. Specifics to follow at a much later date.
Good night.
I woke up awash in emotion. Actually, I woke up maybe 90 minutes too early. I laid in bed the entire time, wondering if I was going to get back to sleep. The alarm went off, and I hit snooze twice. For the third ring, I decided I just needed to sleep, so back to sleep I went. It did not damage my morning too much.
I had an anxiety dream. I don't remember all the details too much (setting: shopping mall somewhere on the Pacific coast), but a huge theme was Alexa. Tremendous emotion about her - regret, jealousy and something beyond both of those things. This feeling remained with me until I eventually went to work and got distracted by all the 10,000 things happening there.
I wish I could explain the feeling head on, but I'll just need to take jabs at it: like I said, jealousy and regret; a feeling of richness and fullness, combined with an immense sadness. Thoughts entered my head: why did I get it wrong, what have I done, why did I leave this, it was something beautiful. But somehow these thoughts are incomplete; I am not entirely alienated from what I'm pining for, this is something involving Alexa but not necessarily limited to her.
And this is what I meant, a few weeks ago, when I talked about the fire and the rose being one - this feeling is very full and very rich, but to interpret it as meaning - I regret leaving Alexa - would be simplistic. I also stand by decision in many ways. I can't just throw one perspective to the side of the road. I had my reasons, and they still exist. So I wonder - why am I feeling this now, why can't I feel this at the same time as my frustration, as feeling trapped and get a full, multidimensional picture? Why must my perspective of the situation alternate between good, bad, good, bad - why can't I emerge with a total picture?
The feeling I had this morning was very deep and very powerful. The feeling of needing to escape - it seems like a lower feeling. What this leads me to believe is that the reason I left Alexa is not because there was nothing there, but that I was paradoxically incapable of accessing what was there while I was there. I wish I could have, and I can look back with super x-ray 20/20 hindsight as much as I want, but I could only work with what I had at the time. I have what I have to work with now, because now is now.
To touch briefly on 2007 - all the drama of the Shelter of last Thursday and Friday - I think we worked some things out pretty well today. Things are more or less back to normal between Sarah and me - whatever that means. I had an interesting experience at the Staff Meeting we had: I was trying to observe the full range of the problem - the core issue being that St. Elizabeth takes on too much responsibility for Santa Fe's homeless - a group that the entire city should take responsibility for. It is glaringly true for me that the most immediate, practical next step is to begin uniting Santa Fe as a community, so that there is the proper soil from which creative and effective solutions can grow. When I think about it, however, I am, at first, overwhelmed at the enormity of the task - but there is something else going on, a reluctance to do anything, a resistance to getting up and doing something. There is still something lacking - what is it? What am I waiting for? Either I need to figure out what it is, or I need to change myself so that I am not constantly needing extra "somethings" in order to get done what needs to get done.
This is really puzzling. Why can't I just do? There is something lacking in the ground, in the air - or in my relationship to the ground, the air. Am I blind, or are the lights turned off? Where does the environment end and my own functionality begin?
Questions, questions.
I will leave with one last note. OkCupid is getting more and more interesting for me. I'm learning more about how to use it effectively, what I want to get out of it. It's certainly a step up from the craigslist dating I did 4 or so years ago. It brings with it a lot of overwhelming feelings - all the strange, quick judgments you have to make on people. I think I am generally too formal in my dealings with people for OkCupid to be 100% comfortable, but I am learning how to change that, how to balance caution with boldness. Specifics to follow at a much later date.
Good night.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Day of 2007 - 10
Okay, so days 8 and 9 are missing. No retroposting.
Thursday and Friday were stressful. Saturday was not stressful, and I was quite calm, but I think I was still exhausted on the inside. So no blogging on those days; no evening zazen. Both days I drifted to sleep with the lights on while watching internet t.v. I still feel a little off. There is something slightly amiss inside of me, something still restless.
Certainly the events of those two days would have that effect. Particularly Friday. A man was murdered in my vicinity. That's very heavy, and it is going to have effects on me. No doubt about that. I am dealing with it a little bit, but I think I need to deal with it more directly. Hopefully something formal will happen at work, but I need to do my own thing also.
All the issues I wrote about on Thursday are continuing, the feeling toxic, the feeling threatening to people, the feeling undesirable - leaking into feeling unattractive, unwanted, unlovable. That whole complex is still there. I find myself encountering it at every step. This hopeless feeling that there will never be that real joy between me and another person. I think I need to focus my efforts on balancing that out. Intellectually, I find it very hard to convince myself otherwise. Actually, I think the issue is that, intellectually, I actively convince myself that I am unlovable. It is the physical things, hiking, running, soaking, playing music, walking, anything - that gets me to forget that I am unlovable, gets me to enjoy being alive.
Not that I go around lamenting everything. I'm mostly pretty neutral; mostly ok. There are just these moments where I'm more aware of my limits - where I notice more than at other times the fragility in my sense of self, and I wish things were different.
It's hard. It's hard to do this stuff; and it's hard to garner the focus required to do this stuff; and it's hard to garner the focus required to garner the focus required to do this stuff.
If I take the time to be positive, I can recognize, yes, I am learning about who I am bit by bit. Right now, since the break up with Alexa, I am doing so at a much faster rate than when I was in the relationship. I can make better decisions about what I want and what I'm capable of. It feels like 2007 until now has been a long process of being disillusioned - in a positive sense. Realizing that a lot of the things I thought about myself were not realistic, and that this lack of familiarity was causing, is causing, the vast majority of problems in my life.
Ok, time to be more concrete. One major issue is what I am interested in - I'm not entirely settled with this issue, but I am at least finally aware that this is an issue, which is step one. What is it? I want to learn all kinds of things, read everything, travel everywhere. It was an overwhelming realization to understand that I can't do everything. Of course, I knew I couldn't do everything, but at some point in 2007 was born a very full awareness of this fact. That's devastating. When this hit me, which was really more full in 2008 than in 2007, I felt 10 years older all of a sudden. Bad decisions caught up with me. And the most frustrating part is that since I have realized this, I am doing worse and worse. My ability to focus on anything has diminished, rather than increased.
I cannot allow this to fully distress me, however. Maybe things are worse, but I can say that my awareness of this problem is getting larger and larger and more firm. I am confident that if I continue to observe, I will find a balanced way to approach it.
What can I focus on now? I am busy. I will be studying Icelandic and working on dinner for the next couple of hours (what a delicious dinner it will be). When I can think of nothing else, when I am struggling to feel that flowing, comfortable feeling in my stomach and just not getting there, when I feel detached, I can focus on now. I can be fully now. Psychological stratagems are good sometimes, but they are not necessary. If I love myself, I love myself now. Loving myself in the future or the past is not loving myself. Really, this is fundamental - this is almost obvious. But how often do I not do it? How often do I not want to take responsibility for the consequences of not loving right now?
I need to go. I feel the need to write more later - more specific things as they come to me. I won't adhere to the "Days of 2007" topic if I do that. I'll just label it however I feel.
Góða kvöldið.
Thursday and Friday were stressful. Saturday was not stressful, and I was quite calm, but I think I was still exhausted on the inside. So no blogging on those days; no evening zazen. Both days I drifted to sleep with the lights on while watching internet t.v. I still feel a little off. There is something slightly amiss inside of me, something still restless.
Certainly the events of those two days would have that effect. Particularly Friday. A man was murdered in my vicinity. That's very heavy, and it is going to have effects on me. No doubt about that. I am dealing with it a little bit, but I think I need to deal with it more directly. Hopefully something formal will happen at work, but I need to do my own thing also.
All the issues I wrote about on Thursday are continuing, the feeling toxic, the feeling threatening to people, the feeling undesirable - leaking into feeling unattractive, unwanted, unlovable. That whole complex is still there. I find myself encountering it at every step. This hopeless feeling that there will never be that real joy between me and another person. I think I need to focus my efforts on balancing that out. Intellectually, I find it very hard to convince myself otherwise. Actually, I think the issue is that, intellectually, I actively convince myself that I am unlovable. It is the physical things, hiking, running, soaking, playing music, walking, anything - that gets me to forget that I am unlovable, gets me to enjoy being alive.
Not that I go around lamenting everything. I'm mostly pretty neutral; mostly ok. There are just these moments where I'm more aware of my limits - where I notice more than at other times the fragility in my sense of self, and I wish things were different.
It's hard. It's hard to do this stuff; and it's hard to garner the focus required to do this stuff; and it's hard to garner the focus required to garner the focus required to do this stuff.
If I take the time to be positive, I can recognize, yes, I am learning about who I am bit by bit. Right now, since the break up with Alexa, I am doing so at a much faster rate than when I was in the relationship. I can make better decisions about what I want and what I'm capable of. It feels like 2007 until now has been a long process of being disillusioned - in a positive sense. Realizing that a lot of the things I thought about myself were not realistic, and that this lack of familiarity was causing, is causing, the vast majority of problems in my life.
Ok, time to be more concrete. One major issue is what I am interested in - I'm not entirely settled with this issue, but I am at least finally aware that this is an issue, which is step one. What is it? I want to learn all kinds of things, read everything, travel everywhere. It was an overwhelming realization to understand that I can't do everything. Of course, I knew I couldn't do everything, but at some point in 2007 was born a very full awareness of this fact. That's devastating. When this hit me, which was really more full in 2008 than in 2007, I felt 10 years older all of a sudden. Bad decisions caught up with me. And the most frustrating part is that since I have realized this, I am doing worse and worse. My ability to focus on anything has diminished, rather than increased.
I cannot allow this to fully distress me, however. Maybe things are worse, but I can say that my awareness of this problem is getting larger and larger and more firm. I am confident that if I continue to observe, I will find a balanced way to approach it.
What can I focus on now? I am busy. I will be studying Icelandic and working on dinner for the next couple of hours (what a delicious dinner it will be). When I can think of nothing else, when I am struggling to feel that flowing, comfortable feeling in my stomach and just not getting there, when I feel detached, I can focus on now. I can be fully now. Psychological stratagems are good sometimes, but they are not necessary. If I love myself, I love myself now. Loving myself in the future or the past is not loving myself. Really, this is fundamental - this is almost obvious. But how often do I not do it? How often do I not want to take responsibility for the consequences of not loving right now?
I need to go. I feel the need to write more later - more specific things as they come to me. I won't adhere to the "Days of 2007" topic if I do that. I'll just label it however I feel.
Góða kvöldið.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Day of 2007 - 7, Part 2
Okay, so my mood has switched around completely. Before I was thinking: everything sucks, why do anything. Now I'm thinking: ah, okay. Now I feel better. What a relief (the relief actually brought tears to my eyes). Holy shit, I've got all kinds of things to do!
A lesson in motivation. I really need to keep this in mind.
A lesson in motivation. I really need to keep this in mind.
Day of 2007 - 7
I did not plan any discussion of 2007.
An emotional day. I've felt really vulnerable all day, and things got pretty bad this afternoon with Sarah at work. I feel like shit.
Yoga was great; I'll say that.
There are a million things to discuss at any time. I just want to say this:
Why am I not okay with myself?
I'm not okay with myself. What did 2007 do to me? I realized how responsible I am for my life, and it made me not okay with myself. I can try to accomplish so many things, but none of my efforts are worth a damn if I don't find myself worth doing things for. If I don't feel I deserve success, good things, praise, love. It is so difficult to admit that this is true. I get along fine most of the time; I get along with people, I do well at various things. But I think inside it just doesn't add up. Or it can add up, but it topples over so easily and I have to pick it up again and again and again. How can I be responsible for so many people, if I am not on firm ground myself? I feel toxic.
I just deleted a bunch of text I wrote here. I felt it was too self-indulgingly negative. Even that last paragraph is a bit much, but I'll leave it in. I need to admit that I'm just not full of insight right now. I'm stewing.
It would be great if I could figure out the okay with myself thing. Better habits? That would help.
I don't know. I need to figure out something else to do.
Good night.
An emotional day. I've felt really vulnerable all day, and things got pretty bad this afternoon with Sarah at work. I feel like shit.
Yoga was great; I'll say that.
There are a million things to discuss at any time. I just want to say this:
Why am I not okay with myself?
I'm not okay with myself. What did 2007 do to me? I realized how responsible I am for my life, and it made me not okay with myself. I can try to accomplish so many things, but none of my efforts are worth a damn if I don't find myself worth doing things for. If I don't feel I deserve success, good things, praise, love. It is so difficult to admit that this is true. I get along fine most of the time; I get along with people, I do well at various things. But I think inside it just doesn't add up. Or it can add up, but it topples over so easily and I have to pick it up again and again and again. How can I be responsible for so many people, if I am not on firm ground myself? I feel toxic.
I just deleted a bunch of text I wrote here. I felt it was too self-indulgingly negative. Even that last paragraph is a bit much, but I'll leave it in. I need to admit that I'm just not full of insight right now. I'm stewing.
It would be great if I could figure out the okay with myself thing. Better habits? That would help.
I don't know. I need to figure out something else to do.
Good night.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Day of 2007 - 6
What a subtly interesting day. All day I was imagining that I was the protagonist in my own Ulysses. I was imagining that today was a Bloomsday. Why? No reason. It was just a mental exercise my brain came up with spontaneously. I don't feel I've gleaned any insight from it other than that it kind of makes things more interesting, to imagine they are being collected into a narrative read by someone else.
What did I do? I sat zazen; I went running, and since it was a little colder, it was somewhat painful on my lungs - I noticed some wheezing later in the day; I went to Trader Joes and ended up buying a lot of dairy products; took a shower, practiced Icelandic; made a huge breakfast, half of which was supposed to be my lunch; went to the All Staff Meeting / Personal Safety Training and did not eat said lunch, because there was unexpected pizza; dropped my food back home; went to work; had a huge, lovely dinner courtesy of Dan, Patrick, Marga, and the other guy, whose name unfortunately escapes me; surfed on couchsurfing for 45 minutes; went to Trivia.
I guess the biggest moment was at Trivia. I earned by far the most glory I have ever earned going to that thing, by figuring out what the bonus question was before it was asked and shoving the answer in the Quizmaster's face before most of the other contestants even made it to the table. Awesome. It was just about as glorious as finding the Heart of the Forest in Wizard Quest, or perhaps making it out of the Black Ball Pit of Death alive. (Okay, to digress a little bit, the National Park Service makes a huge deal out of the tunnel you have to crawl through to get into Spider Cave at Carlsbad Caverns National Park. They warn you that it is a rough, tight crawl and claustrophobics should not sign up. There was nothing in Spider Cave remotely as terrifying as that Ball Pit. And they don't even give you a helmet.)
Ugh. I've been wasting time, cruising the internet. I guess I am not motivated to focus tonight. Could partially be the alcohol (bonus questions earn you free beer), though I didn't have very much.
But no focus. I am okay, right now. Not perfect, but okay. I am only motivated to focus when I feel things are okay. I am focusing on my lack of focus right now. I guess, because I feel not okay with not focusing.
Anyway, I can myself this tip: to focus on a topic from the year 2007, I would need to plan ahead. Just think about it a little bit during the day. Pick a topic that appeals to me. Not wait until the last moment. Perhaps that would get me somewhere.
I'm going to go sit.
Góða nótt.
What did I do? I sat zazen; I went running, and since it was a little colder, it was somewhat painful on my lungs - I noticed some wheezing later in the day; I went to Trader Joes and ended up buying a lot of dairy products; took a shower, practiced Icelandic; made a huge breakfast, half of which was supposed to be my lunch; went to the All Staff Meeting / Personal Safety Training and did not eat said lunch, because there was unexpected pizza; dropped my food back home; went to work; had a huge, lovely dinner courtesy of Dan, Patrick, Marga, and the other guy, whose name unfortunately escapes me; surfed on couchsurfing for 45 minutes; went to Trivia.
I guess the biggest moment was at Trivia. I earned by far the most glory I have ever earned going to that thing, by figuring out what the bonus question was before it was asked and shoving the answer in the Quizmaster's face before most of the other contestants even made it to the table. Awesome. It was just about as glorious as finding the Heart of the Forest in Wizard Quest, or perhaps making it out of the Black Ball Pit of Death alive. (Okay, to digress a little bit, the National Park Service makes a huge deal out of the tunnel you have to crawl through to get into Spider Cave at Carlsbad Caverns National Park. They warn you that it is a rough, tight crawl and claustrophobics should not sign up. There was nothing in Spider Cave remotely as terrifying as that Ball Pit. And they don't even give you a helmet.)
Ugh. I've been wasting time, cruising the internet. I guess I am not motivated to focus tonight. Could partially be the alcohol (bonus questions earn you free beer), though I didn't have very much.
But no focus. I am okay, right now. Not perfect, but okay. I am only motivated to focus when I feel things are okay. I am focusing on my lack of focus right now. I guess, because I feel not okay with not focusing.
Anyway, I can myself this tip: to focus on a topic from the year 2007, I would need to plan ahead. Just think about it a little bit during the day. Pick a topic that appeals to me. Not wait until the last moment. Perhaps that would get me somewhere.
I'm going to go sit.
Góða nótt.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Day of 2007 - 5
Once again, the pattern continues. I wait until 10 minutes before my planned bedtime to begin blogging. It does not leave a whole lot of time to express myself carefully or delve deeply into my chosen topics. Of course I never strictly begin my evening sit at 10pm; but breaching into that time feels messy to me. Not that things need to be clean for me to sit at my desk and focus for a few minutes.
Okay, no excuses, then.
It has not been a bad evening. I got off work earlier than usual, because I was planning on seeing a movie with Abby. It wasn't set in stone, however, and she canceled, which was fine. So I got home before dark for the first time in a long while (on a non-Friday). I immediately took out my violin and practiced. I'm remembering all my favorite Swedish tunes. I like how I've been playing - with tremendous vigor, very loud, with very wide movements. It's noticeable that this is something new for me. I don't know where it came from, where it was hiding all this time. Also, I guess playing with this new energy somehow made it clear to me how essential it is to play with other people. I'm going to find a way to make some musician friends and play together more often. Elea said she'd be willing to learn some duets with me; hopefully we can find the time to practice together. I can't expect playing with her to be a regular thing, with her schedule, but I think a violin duo would be an excellent performance group - it's not too common, so it won't seem bland. There is some amazing stuff out there. I know just one Swedish duet, and it sounds so jaw-droppingly beautiful. I know there is more material out there. And how hard would it be to fashion my own harmony parts? Not sure. I need to get out there and play with people.
I have this desire to learn electric bass now. I think it's because I've gotten into the bizarre habit of listening to the same 10 Rush songs over and over again whenever I do paperwork at my job. I just think it would be an easy entry into the world of rockstardom. But that's enough about that.
Ok. Depth. Focus. What I need to focus on right now is my feeling of inferiority. I'm just going to write some facts about it.
1. It is associated with my fear of being left out. That being separate from the group feeling. You are rejected from the group; you are inferior to the group. These things are conflated in my experience.
2. I often experience it as something that is "not okay" that needs to be corrected. How do I correct it? By trying to find a way of looking at the group, the other person that re-humanizes them.
3. Ah, important point: feeling this way about a group or a person dehumanizes them a little bit. There is just too much patina of projection on them for there to be real space between us. This is an isolating feeling.
4. Back to 2 - unfortunately, the re-humanizing process often deflates the other person or persons too much. Or it can miss, bringing me into the land of sour-grapes, which is avoiding the inflation of something rather than properly deflating it.
Ok, this is getting too abstract. Where can I go next with this? What's important right now?
I just want to sit zazen right now. I am still alert, so it's likely I won't be nodding off too much (the biggest problem with evening sessions!).
I am left with a strong feeling of needing to just sit quietly. When appropriate, I'd like to reevaluate what I am doing with this blog. It's getting too abstract. I noticed that today when I was reading Alexa's blog - she is much better at being concrete. Part of that is that she is not committed to a project the way I am. That limits me. My original intention was that by setting up a structured project, I would be forced to at least be reminded of the topics. I guess if I am not ready to set my sights higher, I don't need to expect myself to do more than just sit with the topic for a nominal few minutes. That is something.
I am still going to try to think of how to go deeper, though.
That is it for tonight.
Góða kvöldið
P.S. I pasted that last phrase in, Pandora began playing Ludovico Einaudi's "Le Onde." It was two years ago that I was first learning about his music. Two years ago! Seriously, seriously, seriously: where has the time gone? What am I doing with myself? Ugh. I'm doing plenty. But really - life is short. How's that for deep? But how can I go on, with so limited time in my life, with all these issues and pointless games? What a heavy P.S.
Okay, no excuses, then.
It has not been a bad evening. I got off work earlier than usual, because I was planning on seeing a movie with Abby. It wasn't set in stone, however, and she canceled, which was fine. So I got home before dark for the first time in a long while (on a non-Friday). I immediately took out my violin and practiced. I'm remembering all my favorite Swedish tunes. I like how I've been playing - with tremendous vigor, very loud, with very wide movements. It's noticeable that this is something new for me. I don't know where it came from, where it was hiding all this time. Also, I guess playing with this new energy somehow made it clear to me how essential it is to play with other people. I'm going to find a way to make some musician friends and play together more often. Elea said she'd be willing to learn some duets with me; hopefully we can find the time to practice together. I can't expect playing with her to be a regular thing, with her schedule, but I think a violin duo would be an excellent performance group - it's not too common, so it won't seem bland. There is some amazing stuff out there. I know just one Swedish duet, and it sounds so jaw-droppingly beautiful. I know there is more material out there. And how hard would it be to fashion my own harmony parts? Not sure. I need to get out there and play with people.
I have this desire to learn electric bass now. I think it's because I've gotten into the bizarre habit of listening to the same 10 Rush songs over and over again whenever I do paperwork at my job. I just think it would be an easy entry into the world of rockstardom. But that's enough about that.
Ok. Depth. Focus. What I need to focus on right now is my feeling of inferiority. I'm just going to write some facts about it.
1. It is associated with my fear of being left out. That being separate from the group feeling. You are rejected from the group; you are inferior to the group. These things are conflated in my experience.
2. I often experience it as something that is "not okay" that needs to be corrected. How do I correct it? By trying to find a way of looking at the group, the other person that re-humanizes them.
3. Ah, important point: feeling this way about a group or a person dehumanizes them a little bit. There is just too much patina of projection on them for there to be real space between us. This is an isolating feeling.
4. Back to 2 - unfortunately, the re-humanizing process often deflates the other person or persons too much. Or it can miss, bringing me into the land of sour-grapes, which is avoiding the inflation of something rather than properly deflating it.
Ok, this is getting too abstract. Where can I go next with this? What's important right now?
I just want to sit zazen right now. I am still alert, so it's likely I won't be nodding off too much (the biggest problem with evening sessions!).
I am left with a strong feeling of needing to just sit quietly. When appropriate, I'd like to reevaluate what I am doing with this blog. It's getting too abstract. I noticed that today when I was reading Alexa's blog - she is much better at being concrete. Part of that is that she is not committed to a project the way I am. That limits me. My original intention was that by setting up a structured project, I would be forced to at least be reminded of the topics. I guess if I am not ready to set my sights higher, I don't need to expect myself to do more than just sit with the topic for a nominal few minutes. That is something.
I am still going to try to think of how to go deeper, though.
That is it for tonight.
Góða kvöldið
P.S. I pasted that last phrase in, Pandora began playing Ludovico Einaudi's "Le Onde." It was two years ago that I was first learning about his music. Two years ago! Seriously, seriously, seriously: where has the time gone? What am I doing with myself? Ugh. I'm doing plenty. But really - life is short. How's that for deep? But how can I go on, with so limited time in my life, with all these issues and pointless games? What a heavy P.S.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Day of 2007 - 4
I am feeling much less prolific today. In fact, I find myself feeling a little dizzy, a little queasy. I really need to do better at watching what I eat. I ate some food today that I knew was somewhat off - I guess I was just positive it wasn't off in a horrible way (if you must know, it was Grey Poupon that had lost all of its bite). But maybe it was off in a horrible way. I'm not sure.
Let's see - I'm going to talk about my day a little bit - I was of course not as productive as yesterday (outside of work), but I did do some of the mundane stuff I need to do, like filling out paperwork for my social security card, paying a bill, etc.
I wasted some time, but not so much.
I define wasted time as doing things I'm not that interested in or that I don't find important in any way at all. That's the only definition I should really accept, although sometimes the very real, very crucial border that exists between things I find interesting and things I don't find important gets breached, and I end up feeling bad about doing something I actually enjoyed. This is fortunately getting rarer and rarer - it's a pretty miniscule phenomenon, actually.
Back to the topics. I'm thinking today about how working at the shelter changed my perspective on things. Working with disempowered people certainly had a strong influence on me. I guess, looking at people who are chronically hopeless, without confidence, struggling with addictions and apathy, it was only natural I would begin questioning the security of my place in the world; I began to see the very thin line that exists between comfort and constant need. I am grateful for my college education, for parents who speak to me, for the various types of ID and other forms of enfranchisement I have access to. I am lucky in many ways.
But there is a part of me that began gazing into the abyss and never stopped. I am mostly okay on the outside, but I can't shake this dark feeling, the idea that nothing is important. Rationally, logically, I can tell myself that importance is subjective; that is, it's up to me to decide what's important, since the universe is always going to remain silent on that topic. But a part of me still wants the universe to answer, to show me that things are vibrant and full and meaningful. I want the evidence before I can believe.
This evidence, I think, is what most homeless people are holding out for, why they're on the streets and not getting their lives back together. The severe social dysfunction of our society has not gotten to the point where it is impossible to get back on your feet - it makes it very, very difficult, but not impossible. (Yet.) The problem with homelessness - and this is a problem that exists in all of us; it's just that for some people it has resulted in homelessness - is that need for evidence, the need to be told that the world is beautiful, the reluctance to accept responsibility for being uninterested, undelighted, disgusted. It's not what you are disgusted by that is so overpowering; it is the fact that you are disgusted. This limits you like nothing else. You have no freedom in life if you have no appetite for it. They are identical.
Everyone is different, and a lot of this is projection. I think it is at least partly real, at least partly present in a majority of cases. The most important thing though, of course, is that observing this projection on other people has helped me to illuminate my own issues. My own fear of being disgusted.
And I'm getting sleepy now, so more will have to wait for later.
Night.
Let's see - I'm going to talk about my day a little bit - I was of course not as productive as yesterday (outside of work), but I did do some of the mundane stuff I need to do, like filling out paperwork for my social security card, paying a bill, etc.
I wasted some time, but not so much.
I define wasted time as doing things I'm not that interested in or that I don't find important in any way at all. That's the only definition I should really accept, although sometimes the very real, very crucial border that exists between things I find interesting and things I don't find important gets breached, and I end up feeling bad about doing something I actually enjoyed. This is fortunately getting rarer and rarer - it's a pretty miniscule phenomenon, actually.
Back to the topics. I'm thinking today about how working at the shelter changed my perspective on things. Working with disempowered people certainly had a strong influence on me. I guess, looking at people who are chronically hopeless, without confidence, struggling with addictions and apathy, it was only natural I would begin questioning the security of my place in the world; I began to see the very thin line that exists between comfort and constant need. I am grateful for my college education, for parents who speak to me, for the various types of ID and other forms of enfranchisement I have access to. I am lucky in many ways.
But there is a part of me that began gazing into the abyss and never stopped. I am mostly okay on the outside, but I can't shake this dark feeling, the idea that nothing is important. Rationally, logically, I can tell myself that importance is subjective; that is, it's up to me to decide what's important, since the universe is always going to remain silent on that topic. But a part of me still wants the universe to answer, to show me that things are vibrant and full and meaningful. I want the evidence before I can believe.
This evidence, I think, is what most homeless people are holding out for, why they're on the streets and not getting their lives back together. The severe social dysfunction of our society has not gotten to the point where it is impossible to get back on your feet - it makes it very, very difficult, but not impossible. (Yet.) The problem with homelessness - and this is a problem that exists in all of us; it's just that for some people it has resulted in homelessness - is that need for evidence, the need to be told that the world is beautiful, the reluctance to accept responsibility for being uninterested, undelighted, disgusted. It's not what you are disgusted by that is so overpowering; it is the fact that you are disgusted. This limits you like nothing else. You have no freedom in life if you have no appetite for it. They are identical.
Everyone is different, and a lot of this is projection. I think it is at least partly real, at least partly present in a majority of cases. The most important thing though, of course, is that observing this projection on other people has helped me to illuminate my own issues. My own fear of being disgusted.
And I'm getting sleepy now, so more will have to wait for later.
Night.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Day of 2007 - 3
I want to note how incredible it is that I've been both busy and relaxed about it today. I wrote a checklist, and it looks like I'm going to have gotten a lot done. I'm happy I'm learning how to do all the things that make me happy and open and not tired and withdrawing. Of course I've known what to do, but it has taken some practice to really be able to listen to myself, so that I actually do them without too much internal struggle.
So I woke up, did zazen, went for a jog (it feels so good. I'm so happy to have found a regime that actually makes jogging feel good), did some yoga, had a nice big brunch, did some cleaning of the great room, cleaned the top of my desk, did two loads of laundry, talked to my dad on the phone, studied Icelandic for like 2 hours (with a nice 20 min walk in the middle), did some quality Iceland trip planning (including planning my airport transport, learning more about places to visit, did a couchsurfing request), took a nice long shower, retroposted an old blog post, now I'm writing this long before bedtime. I can do this. I can live well and not struggle with myself.
I want to note something that occurred to me while I was sweeping: how important it is to realize that every single microscopic action we participate in has unavoidable consequences. I thought of this while sweeping up the dust and crumbs from my spot in the dining area. It just sort of struck me that even when I'm not doing very much, just having a normal morning or evening, I am sending things out into the world around me, affecting it, altering it. And furthermore, I noted how this realization made sweeping seem more important, more natural, more necessary, rather than a chore imposed on me. If people don't directly observe their actions, the consequences, and the connection between the two, ownership of the activity is impossible. This is why it's not enough to just tell people to do something differently, if they're doing it wrong. They need to take ownership of the whole process first. Mindful action results naturally from this.
So, anyway, I will continue blogging, and then I'm going to work on violin. I'm going to sit down and come up with a performance repertoire. Once I have about 1 hour's worth, I'm going to get a busker's license. We'll see how that goes.
Ok, now to 2007. I want to continue focusing on Crestone, that moment in the Misawa workshop. If I were talking to Sam about it, he would ask me to close my eyes and really focus on how it made me feel and describe it in the present tense. I'm going to try that here:
It feels like a trainwreck. I feel like I have been hit by something solid: metal, stone. A wall. Something I can't possibly stand up to. It's in my stomach. I feel like this wall is separating me from the others. I feel pain at being apart, and I hate them for having it all together. I want to have it together. I want to be with them and successful. But I can't. I'm stuck here. I'm a failure. I can't bring myself to do those things. And I know they resent these feelings, that I can't do it. I'm letting them down, and having these feelings is a disappointment to them. It makes me monstrous, disgusting, unwieldy, a burden on them. I am overwhelmed. No, I want to be overwhelmed. I wish I would just be knocked off my feet, that I would faint, that I wouldn't have to engage with this feeling. But I have to go on. I'm getting out of here. Fuck this. Fuck all of this. I deserve better than this. I'm going off on my own.
[end]
That's a start. This feeling has a lot to do with feeling left out and feeling inferior. But I think a subtler thing going on is this, and this is crucial: Feeling responsible for the place that I'm in. Realizing that my mediocre performance was entirely my fault. Following the chain of connections from decision to event, and realizing that the chief thing lacking is engagement. Then feeling responsible for the lack of engagement.
This is at least part of what I have been struggling with for the past three years, part of the core: I am responsible for how engaged I am.
This is massive. I think this is the core issue with my entire relationship with Alexa. It's this situation where I am looking at my level of engagement with a microscope, and just not knowing where the engagement comes from, and choosing to be disengaged. Or something like that. This is what I can't handle, where I'm the lamest, where I'm the most dysfunctional.
I don't know where to go from here. I have written smaller and less substantial posts here. But I feel like I need to go on a little bit more.
One way to phrase it is that I grew to identify with this lack of engagement. Of course, identification with feelings / tendencies / complexes is important, but I feel like maybe this involved disregarding instances where I was engaged, was interested, was okay with things, didn't need to hit the eject button.
I'm not sure right now.
After some thinking, I want to bring up another way of phrasing the issue: realizing the lack of engagement, I developed a fear of being in authentic. I remember explaining this to Alexa on a couple occasions. This is still big for me. I'm afraid of starting things, choosing to participate in things, because I'm afraid I won't have the emotional bank to continue doing it. It's a very paralyzing way of going about my day, living my life.
Of course, there are other ways of thinking about things; things to remind myself that discourage this attitude. But what I want to do right now is not correct anything, but just pinpoint the problem areas. I feel it's time to stop. I could keep going, though. I'm stopping because I have other things to do. I want to set down that I'm eager to continue working on this.
Good evening, all.
So I woke up, did zazen, went for a jog (it feels so good. I'm so happy to have found a regime that actually makes jogging feel good), did some yoga, had a nice big brunch, did some cleaning of the great room, cleaned the top of my desk, did two loads of laundry, talked to my dad on the phone, studied Icelandic for like 2 hours (with a nice 20 min walk in the middle), did some quality Iceland trip planning (including planning my airport transport, learning more about places to visit, did a couchsurfing request), took a nice long shower, retroposted an old blog post, now I'm writing this long before bedtime. I can do this. I can live well and not struggle with myself.
I want to note something that occurred to me while I was sweeping: how important it is to realize that every single microscopic action we participate in has unavoidable consequences. I thought of this while sweeping up the dust and crumbs from my spot in the dining area. It just sort of struck me that even when I'm not doing very much, just having a normal morning or evening, I am sending things out into the world around me, affecting it, altering it. And furthermore, I noted how this realization made sweeping seem more important, more natural, more necessary, rather than a chore imposed on me. If people don't directly observe their actions, the consequences, and the connection between the two, ownership of the activity is impossible. This is why it's not enough to just tell people to do something differently, if they're doing it wrong. They need to take ownership of the whole process first. Mindful action results naturally from this.
So, anyway, I will continue blogging, and then I'm going to work on violin. I'm going to sit down and come up with a performance repertoire. Once I have about 1 hour's worth, I'm going to get a busker's license. We'll see how that goes.
Ok, now to 2007. I want to continue focusing on Crestone, that moment in the Misawa workshop. If I were talking to Sam about it, he would ask me to close my eyes and really focus on how it made me feel and describe it in the present tense. I'm going to try that here:
It feels like a trainwreck. I feel like I have been hit by something solid: metal, stone. A wall. Something I can't possibly stand up to. It's in my stomach. I feel like this wall is separating me from the others. I feel pain at being apart, and I hate them for having it all together. I want to have it together. I want to be with them and successful. But I can't. I'm stuck here. I'm a failure. I can't bring myself to do those things. And I know they resent these feelings, that I can't do it. I'm letting them down, and having these feelings is a disappointment to them. It makes me monstrous, disgusting, unwieldy, a burden on them. I am overwhelmed. No, I want to be overwhelmed. I wish I would just be knocked off my feet, that I would faint, that I wouldn't have to engage with this feeling. But I have to go on. I'm getting out of here. Fuck this. Fuck all of this. I deserve better than this. I'm going off on my own.
[end]
That's a start. This feeling has a lot to do with feeling left out and feeling inferior. But I think a subtler thing going on is this, and this is crucial: Feeling responsible for the place that I'm in. Realizing that my mediocre performance was entirely my fault. Following the chain of connections from decision to event, and realizing that the chief thing lacking is engagement. Then feeling responsible for the lack of engagement.
This is at least part of what I have been struggling with for the past three years, part of the core: I am responsible for how engaged I am.
This is massive. I think this is the core issue with my entire relationship with Alexa. It's this situation where I am looking at my level of engagement with a microscope, and just not knowing where the engagement comes from, and choosing to be disengaged. Or something like that. This is what I can't handle, where I'm the lamest, where I'm the most dysfunctional.
I don't know where to go from here. I have written smaller and less substantial posts here. But I feel like I need to go on a little bit more.
One way to phrase it is that I grew to identify with this lack of engagement. Of course, identification with feelings / tendencies / complexes is important, but I feel like maybe this involved disregarding instances where I was engaged, was interested, was okay with things, didn't need to hit the eject button.
I'm not sure right now.
After some thinking, I want to bring up another way of phrasing the issue: realizing the lack of engagement, I developed a fear of being in authentic. I remember explaining this to Alexa on a couple occasions. This is still big for me. I'm afraid of starting things, choosing to participate in things, because I'm afraid I won't have the emotional bank to continue doing it. It's a very paralyzing way of going about my day, living my life.
Of course, there are other ways of thinking about things; things to remind myself that discourage this attitude. But what I want to do right now is not correct anything, but just pinpoint the problem areas. I feel it's time to stop. I could keep going, though. I'm stopping because I have other things to do. I want to set down that I'm eager to continue working on this.
Good evening, all.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Day of 2007 - 2
Really not in the mood to write tonight. Nothing horrible has happened; I'm just very tired, and I had kind of a restless day. I will make a minimum effort, however, since that is better than doing nothing at all.
Of all the things I listed yesterday, I wanted to talk most about the Crestone experience. What I felt was an intense feeling of shame, of being a failure, of not being able to keep up with myself, of not being the best. A lot of ego wounds all at the same time. To make a long story short, our Taiko group was doing exercises. Julia Misawa picked who she thought was doing the exercises the best to stand at front of the class. I don't remember who all was there, but I do remember that most if not all the ones who were picked were Smokin' Bachi members, and I was not picked. This was devastating for me. After a few minutes of fuming, I ended up leaving the workshop and catching the end of Tai Chi. Probably the best thing I could have been doing, in such a state of agitation.
Is this me just being a spoiled sport? Yes. Practically speaking, yes. Yes, I was upset because I felt left out; because I was not judged the best. This is childish, and I could do better. But to just dismiss it as childish gains me no insight. There was something striking deep there. Normally, I really can deal with this kind of thing sensibly. Some chord was played by this particular event that caught me completely off guard and unable to adjust for a while. I must note that I decided not to participate in Smokin' Bachi's performance later that day. I felt a huge rift between myself and Taiko, which normally had been such a good thing for me.
Why is that? Was it because I learned I wasn't guaranteed to be the best? That seems so silly to me, why would I care? And yet I care.
That's it for me. Ok, so I did more than the bare minimum. Good job, me. I'm going to go to bed now, however.
Good night, all.
Of all the things I listed yesterday, I wanted to talk most about the Crestone experience. What I felt was an intense feeling of shame, of being a failure, of not being able to keep up with myself, of not being the best. A lot of ego wounds all at the same time. To make a long story short, our Taiko group was doing exercises. Julia Misawa picked who she thought was doing the exercises the best to stand at front of the class. I don't remember who all was there, but I do remember that most if not all the ones who were picked were Smokin' Bachi members, and I was not picked. This was devastating for me. After a few minutes of fuming, I ended up leaving the workshop and catching the end of Tai Chi. Probably the best thing I could have been doing, in such a state of agitation.
Is this me just being a spoiled sport? Yes. Practically speaking, yes. Yes, I was upset because I felt left out; because I was not judged the best. This is childish, and I could do better. But to just dismiss it as childish gains me no insight. There was something striking deep there. Normally, I really can deal with this kind of thing sensibly. Some chord was played by this particular event that caught me completely off guard and unable to adjust for a while. I must note that I decided not to participate in Smokin' Bachi's performance later that day. I felt a huge rift between myself and Taiko, which normally had been such a good thing for me.
Why is that? Was it because I learned I wasn't guaranteed to be the best? That seems so silly to me, why would I care? And yet I care.
That's it for me. Ok, so I did more than the bare minimum. Good job, me. I'm going to go to bed now, however.
Good night, all.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Day of 2007 - 1
My next blogging project will have an historical focus - The year 2007. Particularly July - August, when it seemed that a lot changed for me emotionally. I want to try to pinpoint the issues that arose, what they did to me, and how they influence how I feel about myself and my life right now. I can already feel a little cringe inside of me - there is some stuff I would rather not talk about. But that also informs me that it might be good. I think I can handle being a little exposed in the fishbowl that is Blogger. It might take a little time. This is very personal stuff.
I'm going to pinpoint the 4 major moments that seem most significant to me when I think about this period of time.
1. My first serious argument with someone at the shelter: a woman threatened me, and I had to call the police.
2. The intense shame I felt during Julia Misawa's exercises at the Taiko Awakening the Spirit Conference that year, bringing me the closest I've ever been to a nervous breakdown.
3. Something I did when I visited Seattle in early August. I'm not going to describe it yet. There is nothing wrong about it, or even anything ultimately that shameful, it's just bizarre and completely secret, and I am reluctant to describe it. Probably the untouchableness of it means it is very significant.
4. Getting mono. 'Nuff said. That takes a lot out of everyone who gets it. Although: not 'nuff said. I'll be talking about it.
5. Corollary issues: getting pulled over for a broken headlight in October 2007, and then again in September 2008. I am still paranoid.
The feeling of exposure is rising in me - this stuff is kind of sore for me. And it is a good sign. I need to get this raw feeling out, flush out these issues and really engage them. 1, 4 and 5 are things I just need to work through. They have the least charge, when I sit here and write. Of course they are still significant in some way. Especially #5, which represents events, the effects of which flare up every time I drive.
I have no schedule tomorrow, but I am getting very sleepy. I ought to hit the sack for now.
Live well, all.
I'm going to pinpoint the 4 major moments that seem most significant to me when I think about this period of time.
1. My first serious argument with someone at the shelter: a woman threatened me, and I had to call the police.
2. The intense shame I felt during Julia Misawa's exercises at the Taiko Awakening the Spirit Conference that year, bringing me the closest I've ever been to a nervous breakdown.
3. Something I did when I visited Seattle in early August. I'm not going to describe it yet. There is nothing wrong about it, or even anything ultimately that shameful, it's just bizarre and completely secret, and I am reluctant to describe it. Probably the untouchableness of it means it is very significant.
4. Getting mono. 'Nuff said. That takes a lot out of everyone who gets it. Although: not 'nuff said. I'll be talking about it.
5. Corollary issues: getting pulled over for a broken headlight in October 2007, and then again in September 2008. I am still paranoid.
The feeling of exposure is rising in me - this stuff is kind of sore for me. And it is a good sign. I need to get this raw feeling out, flush out these issues and really engage them. 1, 4 and 5 are things I just need to work through. They have the least charge, when I sit here and write. Of course they are still significant in some way. Especially #5, which represents events, the effects of which flare up every time I drive.
I have no schedule tomorrow, but I am getting very sleepy. I ought to hit the sack for now.
Live well, all.
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