Day of 2007 - 7

I did not plan any discussion of 2007.

An emotional day. I've felt really vulnerable all day, and things got pretty bad this afternoon with Sarah at work. I feel like shit.

Yoga was great; I'll say that.

There are a million things to discuss at any time. I just want to say this:

Why am I not okay with myself?

I'm not okay with myself. What did 2007 do to me? I realized how responsible I am for my life, and it made me not okay with myself. I can try to accomplish so many things, but none of my efforts are worth a damn if I don't find myself worth doing things for. If I don't feel I deserve success, good things, praise, love. It is so difficult to admit that this is true. I get along fine most of the time; I get along with people, I do well at various things. But I think inside it just doesn't add up. Or it can add up, but it topples over so easily and I have to pick it up again and again and again. How can I be responsible for so many people, if I am not on firm ground myself? I feel toxic.

I just deleted a bunch of text I wrote here. I felt it was too self-indulgingly negative. Even that last paragraph is a bit much, but I'll leave it in. I need to admit that I'm just not full of insight right now. I'm stewing.

It would be great if I could figure out the okay with myself thing. Better habits? That would help.

I don't know. I need to figure out something else to do.

Good night.