Day of 2007 - 5

Once again, the pattern continues. I wait until 10 minutes before my planned bedtime to begin blogging. It does not leave a whole lot of time to express myself carefully or delve deeply into my chosen topics. Of course I never strictly begin my evening sit at 10pm; but breaching into that time feels messy to me. Not that things need to be clean for me to sit at my desk and focus for a few minutes.

Okay, no excuses, then.

It has not been a bad evening. I got off work earlier than usual, because I was planning on seeing a movie with Abby. It wasn't set in stone, however, and she canceled, which was fine. So I got home before dark for the first time in a long while (on a non-Friday). I immediately took out my violin and practiced. I'm remembering all my favorite Swedish tunes. I like how I've been playing - with tremendous vigor, very loud, with very wide movements. It's noticeable that this is something new for me. I don't know where it came from, where it was hiding all this time. Also, I guess playing with this new energy somehow made it clear to me how essential it is to play with other people. I'm going to find a way to make some musician friends and play together more often. Elea said she'd be willing to learn some duets with me; hopefully we can find the time to practice together. I can't expect playing with her to be a regular thing, with her schedule, but I think a violin duo would be an excellent performance group - it's not too common, so it won't seem bland. There is some amazing stuff out there. I know just one Swedish duet, and it sounds so jaw-droppingly beautiful. I know there is more material out there. And how hard would it be to fashion my own harmony parts? Not sure. I need to get out there and play with people.

I have this desire to learn electric bass now. I think it's because I've gotten into the bizarre habit of listening to the same 10 Rush songs over and over again whenever I do paperwork at my job. I just think it would be an easy entry into the world of rockstardom. But that's enough about that.

Ok. Depth. Focus. What I need to focus on right now is my feeling of inferiority. I'm just going to write some facts about it.

1. It is associated with my fear of being left out. That being separate from the group feeling. You are rejected from the group; you are inferior to the group. These things are conflated in my experience.

2. I often experience it as something that is "not okay" that needs to be corrected. How do I correct it? By trying to find a way of looking at the group, the other person that re-humanizes them.

3. Ah, important point: feeling this way about a group or a person dehumanizes them a little bit. There is just too much patina of projection on them for there to be real space between us. This is an isolating feeling.

4. Back to 2 - unfortunately, the re-humanizing process often deflates the other person or persons too much. Or it can miss, bringing me into the land of sour-grapes, which is avoiding the inflation of something rather than properly deflating it.

Ok, this is getting too abstract. Where can I go next with this? What's important right now?

I just want to sit zazen right now. I am still alert, so it's likely I won't be nodding off too much (the biggest problem with evening sessions!).

I am left with a strong feeling of needing to just sit quietly. When appropriate, I'd like to reevaluate what I am doing with this blog. It's getting too abstract. I noticed that today when I was reading Alexa's blog - she is much better at being concrete. Part of that is that she is not committed to a project the way I am. That limits me. My original intention was that by setting up a structured project, I would be forced to at least be reminded of the topics. I guess if I am not ready to set my sights higher, I don't need to expect myself to do more than just sit with the topic for a nominal few minutes. That is something.

I am still going to try to think of how to go deeper, though.

That is it for tonight.

Góða kvöldið

P.S. I pasted that last phrase in, Pandora began playing Ludovico Einaudi's "Le Onde." It was two years ago that I was first learning about his music. Two years ago! Seriously, seriously, seriously: where has the time gone? What am I doing with myself? Ugh. I'm doing plenty. But really - life is short. How's that for deep? But how can I go on, with so limited time in my life, with all these issues and pointless games? What a heavy P.S.