I'm feeling tired today. I'm so tired, that when I think about what I want to do tomorrow, or for the weekend, I imagine that I'll be too tired. Of course that's not true, but there it is. My 4 dimensional fatigue.
Somehow I started this process of writing e-mails and blogging a little earlier than normal, and yet I'm late for my ideal bedtime. Again. I swear, there's not enough time for anything. Time is running out; it will disappear like all the water, phosphorus and chocolate supplies of the world.
Yesterday I supposedly realized how important it is to clean out my inside; to get my emotions out; to learn, finally, how to channel my anger outside of myself.
It seems like the first step is just to be more open in general. Although anger is difficult to express, by getting into a generally better practice of self-expression, I'm sure anger will be easier, too.
One feeling I tend to hide quite a bit is fear. This I'm not so uncomfortable sharing. It can be a good example for anger, too.
You know, it's actually really interesting, examining how differently I treat the two emotions.
Certainly I can be seized by fear, with trembling, increased heart rate, maybe even shivering - but in my normal, day to day life, fear does not really seem like a toxic emotion. At least, not when it's out in the open. Hidden or suppressed fear can be extremely toxic. But I'm not so afraid of talking about fear. I've gotten into a bad habit, much as I have with anger, of not expressing what I fear to the people around me. Not often enough, that is.
On the other hand, anger always seems toxic and wrong to me. I believe that any expression of anger is essentially dumping a load of strife onto everyone around me. But does it have to be? When seized by it in the moment, fear makes me shiver, but when I want to tell someone I'm afraid, it's no big deal. It's just talking about my feeling. Why can't it be that way with anger?
So I think it might help with expressing anger for me to make an effort to express fears. In fact, if I don't express my fear to the people around me, it can turn into resentment and anger later on.
Hmm.. Looks like I found a side-door into expression of anger. I can work out the details later, but I will make a simple statement of commitment right now: I will express my fear as it arises, sharing it with the people around me as it affects them.
I have not kept track of timing tonight, but it feels like it's time to go. Good night, all. May your fear flow free.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Another Abraham Evening.
Five minute blogging is the flavor of the month. There is one more day in February, so maybe it will change?
Or maybe, at this ice cream parlor, you have the same flavor as flavor of the month, over and over again.
I did very little today, externally. Zoned out. Did a little computer cleaning / reorganizing; also, I started some experiments with oxyclean to see how to best clean out some stained clothing. Exciting stuff.
The highlight of the day was taking a 30-minute walk around the time of sunset, when the snow was coming down in little flurries, but the weather was not harsh enough to be very significant. It was very pleasant.
All the pent-up energy from spending the day doing nothing somehow added to the focus I brought to that walk. I felt very free. I wasn't doing what I was "supposed to." I really do feel that this agenda of productivity is a little constrictive, and ought to be balanced out if not entirely transformed.
But I got some good thinking in. Essentially, it went like this: I need to make a decision about when I want to go to Peru very soon. Possibly even today. What do I need to figure out before I can do that? I need to figure out what I want to be doing for the next 10 months or so. How do I do that? There are little things I need to do. But the most important thing is to work to enliven my core. To awaken all feelings that need to be present.
How to do that, beside what I normally do? I could go to extra therapy. I could have a "soul retrieval." Or something else. Something I have not thought of. And something tells me that something unplanned is probably what's best for me, since it would be free of the agenda-making I'm trying to get away from. It almost seems like I simply need some kind of faith, since the changes I'm interested in making to myself cannot be undertaken on my own. I'm not sure. I can only wait and see.
Good night, all.
Or maybe, at this ice cream parlor, you have the same flavor as flavor of the month, over and over again.
I did very little today, externally. Zoned out. Did a little computer cleaning / reorganizing; also, I started some experiments with oxyclean to see how to best clean out some stained clothing. Exciting stuff.
The highlight of the day was taking a 30-minute walk around the time of sunset, when the snow was coming down in little flurries, but the weather was not harsh enough to be very significant. It was very pleasant.
All the pent-up energy from spending the day doing nothing somehow added to the focus I brought to that walk. I felt very free. I wasn't doing what I was "supposed to." I really do feel that this agenda of productivity is a little constrictive, and ought to be balanced out if not entirely transformed.
But I got some good thinking in. Essentially, it went like this: I need to make a decision about when I want to go to Peru very soon. Possibly even today. What do I need to figure out before I can do that? I need to figure out what I want to be doing for the next 10 months or so. How do I do that? There are little things I need to do. But the most important thing is to work to enliven my core. To awaken all feelings that need to be present.
How to do that, beside what I normally do? I could go to extra therapy. I could have a "soul retrieval." Or something else. Something I have not thought of. And something tells me that something unplanned is probably what's best for me, since it would be free of the agenda-making I'm trying to get away from. It almost seems like I simply need some kind of faith, since the changes I'm interested in making to myself cannot be undertaken on my own. I'm not sure. I can only wait and see.
Good night, all.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Unoddly specific
Another Abraham tonight. As long as I get my fingers to the keyboard, it's all right.
So a lot of old relationship stuff has been resurfacing a bit, not too intensely, but worth noting. I found one of Alexa's paystubs, and I thought it would be decent of me to ask her before I disposed of it, so I sent her an e-mail. Also in the e-mail, I sheepishly said I wouldn't mind if she wanted to reconnect a bit. She said I could dispose of the paystub, and that she didn't want to reconnect.
Ostensibly, that's what I believe, too. It does not seem the right time for me. Still I felt hurt. It burns a little bit. I know why it's not good to reconnect now; I understand and respect why she doesn't want to. Still hurts.
I am so afraid to just write how I feel. Saying that I know that such and such is a good thing, but it still feels shitty, is making excuses. However, in my experience, people always misinterpret bald statements of feeling, so the qualifications are necessary. Maybe I just need to learn how to express them with more complexity? I run into this problem a lot, where I say something, and people respond to things that I have not technically said, but what they expect I might mean; or, which happens a lot at work, I say something, and people point out to me extra things surrounding that something, which I know already, I just did not happen to mention it; it wasn't directly relevant to the statement I had to make.
The end result is that I might say "I feel hurt by what you say," and then I need to add, "And, by the way, I understand what you say completely and it makes sense to me, but I feel hurt by it." It makes it rather inelegant. Why can't everyone hear that statement, "I feel hurt," and just take it as it is, and not think that I don't understand them or their situation or the reason why they said that thing that hurts me. It seems like a waste of energy and often a waste of heartache.
So I will stop with that thread right now - this has gone way beyond 5 minutes anyhow. I want to remark that Penelope and I are getting closer and closer; and she is asking me to peel off the layers; "turn off the edit," as she wrote. This is perhaps my largest sin, my biggest neurosis, my most pervasive problem: not being able to turn off the edit. The thinking mind; the conceiver, the divider, the criticizer. Removing me one step from experience. I want to get past it. I'm working at it - but it will take time, and I'm a little bit apprehensive that I won't be able to take down my defenses adequately. I can try. I can try to get to the root of my habits that take me deeper within the walls. I'm floored by Penelope, and I want it to work. But it's going to take work, and it makes me nervous.
But we'll see what emerges tomorrow, with so much built up over a week's worth of love notes, each one more direct than the last. Where will we go?
Good night all. (This was 3 Abrahams.)
So a lot of old relationship stuff has been resurfacing a bit, not too intensely, but worth noting. I found one of Alexa's paystubs, and I thought it would be decent of me to ask her before I disposed of it, so I sent her an e-mail. Also in the e-mail, I sheepishly said I wouldn't mind if she wanted to reconnect a bit. She said I could dispose of the paystub, and that she didn't want to reconnect.
Ostensibly, that's what I believe, too. It does not seem the right time for me. Still I felt hurt. It burns a little bit. I know why it's not good to reconnect now; I understand and respect why she doesn't want to. Still hurts.
I am so afraid to just write how I feel. Saying that I know that such and such is a good thing, but it still feels shitty, is making excuses. However, in my experience, people always misinterpret bald statements of feeling, so the qualifications are necessary. Maybe I just need to learn how to express them with more complexity? I run into this problem a lot, where I say something, and people respond to things that I have not technically said, but what they expect I might mean; or, which happens a lot at work, I say something, and people point out to me extra things surrounding that something, which I know already, I just did not happen to mention it; it wasn't directly relevant to the statement I had to make.
The end result is that I might say "I feel hurt by what you say," and then I need to add, "And, by the way, I understand what you say completely and it makes sense to me, but I feel hurt by it." It makes it rather inelegant. Why can't everyone hear that statement, "I feel hurt," and just take it as it is, and not think that I don't understand them or their situation or the reason why they said that thing that hurts me. It seems like a waste of energy and often a waste of heartache.
So I will stop with that thread right now - this has gone way beyond 5 minutes anyhow. I want to remark that Penelope and I are getting closer and closer; and she is asking me to peel off the layers; "turn off the edit," as she wrote. This is perhaps my largest sin, my biggest neurosis, my most pervasive problem: not being able to turn off the edit. The thinking mind; the conceiver, the divider, the criticizer. Removing me one step from experience. I want to get past it. I'm working at it - but it will take time, and I'm a little bit apprehensive that I won't be able to take down my defenses adequately. I can try. I can try to get to the root of my habits that take me deeper within the walls. I'm floored by Penelope, and I want it to work. But it's going to take work, and it makes me nervous.
But we'll see what emerges tomorrow, with so much built up over a week's worth of love notes, each one more direct than the last. Where will we go?
Good night all. (This was 3 Abrahams.)
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Fiver
To signify how many minutes I will be writing tonight, I use the name of a character from one of my favorite books.
What's important to set down this morning? The need to express anger. If I mentioned it already, I'll say it again.
I need to find a way to express my anger better.
I have been doing well this week in really sitting with it and acknowledging it. What needs to be done? I'm not exactly sure. There's a lot to explore. How does one approach a feeling, once one truly touches it and allows it to develop?
Maybe nothing. That's the zen way. Observe and allow, that is. But nothing more.
Do I need to get a punching bag out? Not likely. Clearly my culture exalts the avoidance of feelings through action. It is an extreme I need to avoid as much as the one I tend to dwell in (not acknowledging the feeling - downplaying it - suppressing action.)
This feels like good work - real, real crucial and helpful for me. This is my healing work - to express the anger.
There is much more going on - I acknowledge this. Anger itself is just a symbol for something deeper, a darker, more primal energy. But it is a good point of focus. Healthy and helpful.
If I have more time at some point, clearly I'll be more specific. But these thoughts are good reminders, for the moment.
Good night, all.
What's important to set down this morning? The need to express anger. If I mentioned it already, I'll say it again.
I need to find a way to express my anger better.
I have been doing well this week in really sitting with it and acknowledging it. What needs to be done? I'm not exactly sure. There's a lot to explore. How does one approach a feeling, once one truly touches it and allows it to develop?
Maybe nothing. That's the zen way. Observe and allow, that is. But nothing more.
Do I need to get a punching bag out? Not likely. Clearly my culture exalts the avoidance of feelings through action. It is an extreme I need to avoid as much as the one I tend to dwell in (not acknowledging the feeling - downplaying it - suppressing action.)
This feels like good work - real, real crucial and helpful for me. This is my healing work - to express the anger.
There is much more going on - I acknowledge this. Anger itself is just a symbol for something deeper, a darker, more primal energy. But it is a good point of focus. Healthy and helpful.
If I have more time at some point, clearly I'll be more specific. But these thoughts are good reminders, for the moment.
Good night, all.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Severed and reattached miscellany
I don't know what that title means. It's actually a little gross, no?
So today I woke up feeling kind of groggy and resistant to getting up. I did anyway, and I ended up going for a pretty decent run. I've been going from my house up Santa Fe Trail and back. I noticed that today I ran a little farther than I did on Sunday, and it finally occurred to me to measure the distance using Google Maps. It ended up being around 2.4 miles. Not terrible, in the grand scheme of things, but I'd like to go a little faster. Keeping track of things is a good first step. Already I feel more motivated to move a little quicker. For the time being, my plan is to continue on this same path during the week, but on Sundays, when I have more time, I'd like to run the full 3 miles and just see how long it takes, rather than running a certain amount of time. I can record what I do and try to break the record, until I'm running 3 miles (which is roughly 5k) as a matter of course. Hoorah.
So all of that is the external details of things. Internally, I was trying to put a microscope to why I didn't want to do anything. I came to a somewhat tentative conclusion: repressed anger. Am I angry at anything in particular? Nah, not so much. I had a lot to think about. I'm really pissed at a few particular people these days. People I interact with in my normal, calm manner. This is normal, but it really strikes me now: what kind of fucked-up sense does that make, if my anger dominates my relationship with these people, and I'm not being angry?
I note that this is a huge issue; it's something I do terribly wrong; and, yes, it's something I do wrong more than very many people. Not that what other people do should be my measure for everything, but I must realize that I could be doing something differently, if I want to.
And I think I want to. I want to express anger more. It's been in the forefront of my consciousness, and I've noticed that when the tiniest morsel of anger slips out, even nothing very intense or direct, it returns to me in the form of energy and clarity. It's kind of shameful for me to write about this, because I feel this is something that many get besides me. It's like I'm talking about how wonderful being potty-trained is: it's that level of shame. But I must get over this embarrassment, too, if I want to continue on my path. I can keep learning, and I can be angry, goddamnit!
The anger came out a teeny bit this evening at Zen, during my interview. This conversation percolated in me all day. I wanted to say "Mu makes me angry." I didn't say that, in the end. I said "I'm trying to not look at Mu as an obstruction." Which is true. I got a lot of good answers from Henry about what Mu is and isn't (it's not a thought!), and I would not have gotten them if I had just nodded at him. I told him what I thought seemed wrong about his statements. All it did was serve to get me to a better place of understanding. Zazen is about not having intentions, so how does Mu fit in? Henry told me to focus on the area below my navel (called "hara" in Japanese; it has a bazillion other names in other Asian languages). But, I said, isn't that doing something? Isn't building up a reserve of focus an intention, an agenda, with a necessary train of thoughts? That doubt itself is a thought; and the need to keep the "playing field" clear of ideals is an ideal. Mu is an attempt to break through that type of thinking and absorb yourself in the question of yourself directly.
All right, then. This is beginning to make more sense to me. I'm not done; I've got more criticisms. But now I'm excited to go back and challenge Henry again, with more raw and more intense doubt. Being a compliant monk is a waste of time.
Good night, all.
So today I woke up feeling kind of groggy and resistant to getting up. I did anyway, and I ended up going for a pretty decent run. I've been going from my house up Santa Fe Trail and back. I noticed that today I ran a little farther than I did on Sunday, and it finally occurred to me to measure the distance using Google Maps. It ended up being around 2.4 miles. Not terrible, in the grand scheme of things, but I'd like to go a little faster. Keeping track of things is a good first step. Already I feel more motivated to move a little quicker. For the time being, my plan is to continue on this same path during the week, but on Sundays, when I have more time, I'd like to run the full 3 miles and just see how long it takes, rather than running a certain amount of time. I can record what I do and try to break the record, until I'm running 3 miles (which is roughly 5k) as a matter of course. Hoorah.
So all of that is the external details of things. Internally, I was trying to put a microscope to why I didn't want to do anything. I came to a somewhat tentative conclusion: repressed anger. Am I angry at anything in particular? Nah, not so much. I had a lot to think about. I'm really pissed at a few particular people these days. People I interact with in my normal, calm manner. This is normal, but it really strikes me now: what kind of fucked-up sense does that make, if my anger dominates my relationship with these people, and I'm not being angry?
I note that this is a huge issue; it's something I do terribly wrong; and, yes, it's something I do wrong more than very many people. Not that what other people do should be my measure for everything, but I must realize that I could be doing something differently, if I want to.
And I think I want to. I want to express anger more. It's been in the forefront of my consciousness, and I've noticed that when the tiniest morsel of anger slips out, even nothing very intense or direct, it returns to me in the form of energy and clarity. It's kind of shameful for me to write about this, because I feel this is something that many get besides me. It's like I'm talking about how wonderful being potty-trained is: it's that level of shame. But I must get over this embarrassment, too, if I want to continue on my path. I can keep learning, and I can be angry, goddamnit!
The anger came out a teeny bit this evening at Zen, during my interview. This conversation percolated in me all day. I wanted to say "Mu makes me angry." I didn't say that, in the end. I said "I'm trying to not look at Mu as an obstruction." Which is true. I got a lot of good answers from Henry about what Mu is and isn't (it's not a thought!), and I would not have gotten them if I had just nodded at him. I told him what I thought seemed wrong about his statements. All it did was serve to get me to a better place of understanding. Zazen is about not having intentions, so how does Mu fit in? Henry told me to focus on the area below my navel (called "hara" in Japanese; it has a bazillion other names in other Asian languages). But, I said, isn't that doing something? Isn't building up a reserve of focus an intention, an agenda, with a necessary train of thoughts? That doubt itself is a thought; and the need to keep the "playing field" clear of ideals is an ideal. Mu is an attempt to break through that type of thinking and absorb yourself in the question of yourself directly.
All right, then. This is beginning to make more sense to me. I'm not done; I've got more criticisms. But now I'm excited to go back and challenge Henry again, with more raw and more intense doubt. Being a compliant monk is a waste of time.
Good night, all.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Alpha'ed
I wanted to be in bed 41 minutes ago. Ugh, ugh, ugh.
I revolt. I will make the embarrassing statement and say I wasted time playing Burrito Bison.
Oh, the shame.
But I can keep going. Blog for five minutes, too. There are worse ways to squander my time. And it was less than 2 hours. Could have been more of a drain.
It's been a tiring week, and I know exactly why I'm tired - wasting time and not going to bed.
Why, why, why do I need that distraction, the sweet alpha waves that seduce me into something that is mildly satisfying but ultimately unhealthy, unhelpful, and a little depressing? It satisfies some need I can't seem to get filled anywhere else.
Is it a symbol of an unbalanced life? I'm not sure.
Sam has asked me to focus on dreams again. It's going to be a little tricky, with zazen and running and no time to do anything in the morning. Hmm... it's that frustration of not having any time that seems to contribute to the alpha addiction. And here it is again. And yet, wasting time in alpha land just crunches me for time even more. Bad, bad cycle. I will try, though. I'm pulling out a notebook once I'm done here, and getting it ready beside my bed.
This is about the end of the time I have given myself. Good night, all. Wish me a better spent tomorrow.
I revolt. I will make the embarrassing statement and say I wasted time playing Burrito Bison.
Oh, the shame.
But I can keep going. Blog for five minutes, too. There are worse ways to squander my time. And it was less than 2 hours. Could have been more of a drain.
It's been a tiring week, and I know exactly why I'm tired - wasting time and not going to bed.
Why, why, why do I need that distraction, the sweet alpha waves that seduce me into something that is mildly satisfying but ultimately unhealthy, unhelpful, and a little depressing? It satisfies some need I can't seem to get filled anywhere else.
Is it a symbol of an unbalanced life? I'm not sure.
Sam has asked me to focus on dreams again. It's going to be a little tricky, with zazen and running and no time to do anything in the morning. Hmm... it's that frustration of not having any time that seems to contribute to the alpha addiction. And here it is again. And yet, wasting time in alpha land just crunches me for time even more. Bad, bad cycle. I will try, though. I'm pulling out a notebook once I'm done here, and getting it ready beside my bed.
This is about the end of the time I have given myself. Good night, all. Wish me a better spent tomorrow.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Journey, Path, Innervision
This is going to be a swift 5-minute romp.
I went to Shaman night today. It was good - but the alienation is setting in. The last meeting I went to, I decided that my method of visualization was too controlled, too marred by agenda and expectation. I wanted to jump right in and truly experience something. So I did - but what I experienced was murky and confusing. It was very hard to remember what I had experienced. This went for the guerrilla shaman night last week, and then for the evening tonight. It's all very confusing. When it's my turn to speak, Doubt and Confusion are at my lips. It's not the totality of what I have to bring back to my companions, but it's significant. It colors everything, and it occupies my body and my thoughts, when I am sitting there and trying to focus.
I doubt tremendously. It is getting quite fierce. I have written about my doubts in Zen. I think it's clear that I don't entirely trust Sanbo Kyodan as a vehicle for zen. I simply don't see the value in straining to follow someone else's thoughts. There is more to it than that - but that is the feeling, this not seeing value and being disappointed and frustrated. Constantly wondering - is this what I want to do. Alternate that with feeling - is this practice, the koan practice, invading and corrupting my normal sitting, something that was going so well for me? I find myself thinking that, sometimes, when I'm on the cushion. Sometimes, it's no big deal. It's just something there. The real practice is still there. But then I get a little sucked away from the "real practice" because, oh shit, I'm not doing the koan practice, and aren't I supposed to be doing koan practice?
*Sighhhhhhh.* I'm thinking, at some point, I might just have to say to Henry: I'll continue seeing you, but I'm not doing the koan practice. This is so frustrating. Why can't all people just be sensible and moderate in what they do, realizing and checking themselves when engaging in unnecessary enterprises? Or, why can't I see the value in this activity? One or the other.
Doubt, doubt, doubt.
And, even so, good night, all.
I went to Shaman night today. It was good - but the alienation is setting in. The last meeting I went to, I decided that my method of visualization was too controlled, too marred by agenda and expectation. I wanted to jump right in and truly experience something. So I did - but what I experienced was murky and confusing. It was very hard to remember what I had experienced. This went for the guerrilla shaman night last week, and then for the evening tonight. It's all very confusing. When it's my turn to speak, Doubt and Confusion are at my lips. It's not the totality of what I have to bring back to my companions, but it's significant. It colors everything, and it occupies my body and my thoughts, when I am sitting there and trying to focus.
I doubt tremendously. It is getting quite fierce. I have written about my doubts in Zen. I think it's clear that I don't entirely trust Sanbo Kyodan as a vehicle for zen. I simply don't see the value in straining to follow someone else's thoughts. There is more to it than that - but that is the feeling, this not seeing value and being disappointed and frustrated. Constantly wondering - is this what I want to do. Alternate that with feeling - is this practice, the koan practice, invading and corrupting my normal sitting, something that was going so well for me? I find myself thinking that, sometimes, when I'm on the cushion. Sometimes, it's no big deal. It's just something there. The real practice is still there. But then I get a little sucked away from the "real practice" because, oh shit, I'm not doing the koan practice, and aren't I supposed to be doing koan practice?
*Sighhhhhhh.* I'm thinking, at some point, I might just have to say to Henry: I'll continue seeing you, but I'm not doing the koan practice. This is so frustrating. Why can't all people just be sensible and moderate in what they do, realizing and checking themselves when engaging in unnecessary enterprises? Or, why can't I see the value in this activity? One or the other.
Doubt, doubt, doubt.
And, even so, good night, all.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
At rest, at home, at something.
I'm giving myself 11 minutes tonight. It seems to makes sense.
I had an excellent weekend with Penelope. I brought a lot of anxiety with me, apparently. I got very, very tired in the evening, and we cancelled our plans for going out. Not that she was crushed, but I did feel a little guilty. I mentioned this to her briefly, apologizing, and she said it was okay, she was feeling the same way. It's nice for it to be okay with her. I guess the truth is that I'm not okay with it. I look back at memories of my time with Alexa and how this lethargy, tiredness really made a mess of things. I think it's important to note that it's not the tiredness itself that is bad. If I'm tired, I rest. What goes wrong is when I contribute to it unnecessarily - that is, by, say, not getting enough sleep the night before or even during the week; or by not taking a strategic nap on that day - and when I feed into fatigue as an excuse for not doing anything. It is hard to be objective, as to whether I am actually tired or avoiding the day. I have a feeling I am being too harsh on myself and, when I'm tired, I'm mostly just tired. If I'm avoiding things, I know.
It's hard to follow my feelings, when I know that my conception of them can be so misleading and misled. It makes it difficult to trust myself in any situation. Maybe I'm reacting to something that has nothing to do with the actual situation, for example. If I can't distinguish projection from reaction, then how can I trust my feelings at all? Nothing seems real.
I partially acknowledge that this train of thought is in itself a stance of alienation from my true feelings that needs to be overcome, but I don't have a good response to it. I'm convinced, to a certain extent, that when other people are following either their feelings or intuition (different but similar things), that most of it is murky guesswork coupled with blind self-confidence. Not that clear feelings are non-existent; just inconsistent and easily confused, disturbed, clouded. Way too easily for anyone to consistently follow their feelings with any accuracy. It's not hopeless, but it's something we muckily struggle towards, not something we ever do gracefully. The grace is a show.
Sober truth, or unnecessary doubt? You tell me. I'm not sure.
And that, my friends, is eleven minutes. Goes by quickly.
Good night, all. And it will be a good night - despite all the doubt above.
I had an excellent weekend with Penelope. I brought a lot of anxiety with me, apparently. I got very, very tired in the evening, and we cancelled our plans for going out. Not that she was crushed, but I did feel a little guilty. I mentioned this to her briefly, apologizing, and she said it was okay, she was feeling the same way. It's nice for it to be okay with her. I guess the truth is that I'm not okay with it. I look back at memories of my time with Alexa and how this lethargy, tiredness really made a mess of things. I think it's important to note that it's not the tiredness itself that is bad. If I'm tired, I rest. What goes wrong is when I contribute to it unnecessarily - that is, by, say, not getting enough sleep the night before or even during the week; or by not taking a strategic nap on that day - and when I feed into fatigue as an excuse for not doing anything. It is hard to be objective, as to whether I am actually tired or avoiding the day. I have a feeling I am being too harsh on myself and, when I'm tired, I'm mostly just tired. If I'm avoiding things, I know.
It's hard to follow my feelings, when I know that my conception of them can be so misleading and misled. It makes it difficult to trust myself in any situation. Maybe I'm reacting to something that has nothing to do with the actual situation, for example. If I can't distinguish projection from reaction, then how can I trust my feelings at all? Nothing seems real.
I partially acknowledge that this train of thought is in itself a stance of alienation from my true feelings that needs to be overcome, but I don't have a good response to it. I'm convinced, to a certain extent, that when other people are following either their feelings or intuition (different but similar things), that most of it is murky guesswork coupled with blind self-confidence. Not that clear feelings are non-existent; just inconsistent and easily confused, disturbed, clouded. Way too easily for anyone to consistently follow their feelings with any accuracy. It's not hopeless, but it's something we muckily struggle towards, not something we ever do gracefully. The grace is a show.
Sober truth, or unnecessary doubt? You tell me. I'm not sure.
And that, my friends, is eleven minutes. Goes by quickly.
Good night, all. And it will be a good night - despite all the doubt above.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Take a deep breath
And blog for 5 minutes. It will do you good.
I come here, feeling there is not much to talk about. That's completely untrue.
I visited the Roundhouse for the first time today. It has a beautiful interior. I dressed up way more than the occasion warranted, and I felt pretty suave walking around and looking at all the artwork, observing the legislative sessions from the balconies. It felt very similar to a casino, and with good reason - both places are all about power (which is what's behind all the money).
I'm looking forward to another weekend in Placitas/Albuquerque with Penelope. We're starting the day with Hot (Bikram) Yoga and a little bit of shopping for a decadent meal. Then - relaxing in Placitas. Possible music in the evening we'll see.
In line with my thoughts about Zen yesterday, I've been feeling tension and confusion. I don't have a grand perspective on this issue; just a note at how tense I often feel. How unbalanced. I try and try to relax, but I wonder if it's necessary for me to go deeper, deeper, deeper. Get into something that finally makes my eyes settle. Something that really cleans my mind.
I know: it's not a "something" that will do that. It is something I have to do. But how? In what light? In what space? This is why I look for an effective methodology, an effective way to communicate with what is inside me. Get to the real truth, let it out, let it develop and grow as it needs to.
Good night, all.
I come here, feeling there is not much to talk about. That's completely untrue.
I visited the Roundhouse for the first time today. It has a beautiful interior. I dressed up way more than the occasion warranted, and I felt pretty suave walking around and looking at all the artwork, observing the legislative sessions from the balconies. It felt very similar to a casino, and with good reason - both places are all about power (which is what's behind all the money).
I'm looking forward to another weekend in Placitas/Albuquerque with Penelope. We're starting the day with Hot (Bikram) Yoga and a little bit of shopping for a decadent meal. Then - relaxing in Placitas. Possible music in the evening we'll see.
In line with my thoughts about Zen yesterday, I've been feeling tension and confusion. I don't have a grand perspective on this issue; just a note at how tense I often feel. How unbalanced. I try and try to relax, but I wonder if it's necessary for me to go deeper, deeper, deeper. Get into something that finally makes my eyes settle. Something that really cleans my mind.
I know: it's not a "something" that will do that. It is something I have to do. But how? In what light? In what space? This is why I look for an effective methodology, an effective way to communicate with what is inside me. Get to the real truth, let it out, let it develop and grow as it needs to.
Good night, all.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Koans and other distractions
I'm going to engage in a 4 minute blitz, as I serioulsy 100% want to get to bed on time tonight.
I had a major conflict with zen today. I have been given a koan to work with: mu.
My original Zen teacher in Japan, Sato Joko, "raised me up" in the Shikan Taza tradition of his Soto school. That is, just sitting. You sit and sit and sit and sit and sit and maybe have a little enlightenment experience, but then you continue to sit and sit and sit and sit until you die. I really like that philosophy.
Koan practice is founded upon the notion that there are effective ways of thinking that can accelerate this process. I have 2 major problems with this.
One is the desire to accelerate the process. That's not what it's all about, is it? How can you be comfortable where you are, if you have this goal of accomplishing the koan practice? It seems to contradict the point of zen (to not have a point).
The other is almost the same thing, but slightly different. If you are having your mind focus on something, you are, by definition, trying to force out things that are not that something. This creates conflict and contradiction. Again, defeating the point of zazen, where you are learning how to not discriminate.
It is a complicated to-and-fro with these concepts, and what I have written is not the final word or even my final word. But the misgivings are there, and I wanted to set them down right now.
Good night, all.
I had a major conflict with zen today. I have been given a koan to work with: mu.
My original Zen teacher in Japan, Sato Joko, "raised me up" in the Shikan Taza tradition of his Soto school. That is, just sitting. You sit and sit and sit and sit and sit and maybe have a little enlightenment experience, but then you continue to sit and sit and sit and sit until you die. I really like that philosophy.
Koan practice is founded upon the notion that there are effective ways of thinking that can accelerate this process. I have 2 major problems with this.
One is the desire to accelerate the process. That's not what it's all about, is it? How can you be comfortable where you are, if you have this goal of accomplishing the koan practice? It seems to contradict the point of zen (to not have a point).
The other is almost the same thing, but slightly different. If you are having your mind focus on something, you are, by definition, trying to force out things that are not that something. This creates conflict and contradiction. Again, defeating the point of zazen, where you are learning how to not discriminate.
It is a complicated to-and-fro with these concepts, and what I have written is not the final word or even my final word. But the misgivings are there, and I wanted to set them down right now.
Good night, all.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Fatigue returns
I feel much more tired tonight than I did last night. Although it would be good to observe that, last night, I sat zazen far too late and nodded off a few times. I'd like to get to it no later than 10:10. I want to wake up at 6:30 tomorrow so I have time to sit, run and make breakfast before driving off to work at 9:20. I can do it.
Again I feel fuller than normal today. Without much planning, a large percentage of my diet has suddenly become sausage. I'm doing Slow Carb right now, with notable exceptions, and I figured since pork and turkey is on the diet, pork and turkey sausage is okay. My huge complaint, which I got sick of writing on the 4 Hour Body bulletin boards with no response, is that there is no discussion about how much fat content your food should have on this diet. Sometimes it seems fine and sometimes it doesn't, with no rhyme or reason. Anyway, based simply on how I feel, which really is the best indicator, I'm feeling like maybe I ought to cool it a little with the cured meats, at least on days where I'm not exercising so much.
I got to reading a huge chunk of Sex, Sin and Zen today. It brought up a lot of feelings. There is a chapter on how zazen is an effective and safe way to help people deal with traumatic memories and learn how to let go of pain. As I read about trauma victims, people who have had far more damaging experiences than I have - so damaging they are qualitatively different from most everything in my life - as I read about this I began to feel that, nonetheless, I am not fully experiencing all my emotions, and this is a serious problem. I'm not stating this as a factual judgment; I'm not sure. What is true is that I stuck to this narrative, that my emotional life is hopelessly incomplete, and I got to feeling almost a sense of panic - panic that I am hopelessly cut off from a primal source, from the core of my being.
I have to acknowledge that sometimes I feel wholly myself and wholly capable of making decisions and living my life and sometimes completely detached, flawed, broken, incapable of real knowledge, real experience, real feeling. I know in my mind that it is not true, that there are things I can do to make the bit by bit improvements that are the only real way to find myself (and this blog is a record of that), but in my heart I still weep for myself, pitying how inadequate I am.
I could immediately judge these feelings as pointless self-loathing, but I'm just going to let them be for now. Part of what is objectively wrong with my patterns of living is that I have to judge every feeling I have; I can't just let them be. So a part of me is "just self-deprecating." So be it. I have to allow it if I am going to understand it.
There was another contributor to the chapter on zen and sexual trauma who described a habit of fearing feelings of excitement. Her description was extreme, but I could identify it at least in character. I absolutely have those tendencies, to be afraid of excitement and over-stimulation. It's nothing dramatic for me, just a grating friction that prevents exuberance from emerging more than it ought to. It's still there. But this is something to look into.
Yes, it saddens me even further as I write that paragraph; knowing how true it is, how much fear of excitement dominates my character. It saddens me, and it hurts.
If I cannot get comfortable with excitement, I am not going to fully experience my feelings. This is a fact.
What can I do to work on this? Maybe trauma work would actually help me a lot. This is not a new idea. Alexa suggested to me that I could benefit from trauma work, she too, even though neither of us had actually experienced significant abuse or anything like that. We just seemed to have personalities shaped by difficulty in experiencing things fully.
Something to think about. The timer has beeped.
Good night, all.
Again I feel fuller than normal today. Without much planning, a large percentage of my diet has suddenly become sausage. I'm doing Slow Carb right now, with notable exceptions, and I figured since pork and turkey is on the diet, pork and turkey sausage is okay. My huge complaint, which I got sick of writing on the 4 Hour Body bulletin boards with no response, is that there is no discussion about how much fat content your food should have on this diet. Sometimes it seems fine and sometimes it doesn't, with no rhyme or reason. Anyway, based simply on how I feel, which really is the best indicator, I'm feeling like maybe I ought to cool it a little with the cured meats, at least on days where I'm not exercising so much.
I got to reading a huge chunk of Sex, Sin and Zen today. It brought up a lot of feelings. There is a chapter on how zazen is an effective and safe way to help people deal with traumatic memories and learn how to let go of pain. As I read about trauma victims, people who have had far more damaging experiences than I have - so damaging they are qualitatively different from most everything in my life - as I read about this I began to feel that, nonetheless, I am not fully experiencing all my emotions, and this is a serious problem. I'm not stating this as a factual judgment; I'm not sure. What is true is that I stuck to this narrative, that my emotional life is hopelessly incomplete, and I got to feeling almost a sense of panic - panic that I am hopelessly cut off from a primal source, from the core of my being.
I have to acknowledge that sometimes I feel wholly myself and wholly capable of making decisions and living my life and sometimes completely detached, flawed, broken, incapable of real knowledge, real experience, real feeling. I know in my mind that it is not true, that there are things I can do to make the bit by bit improvements that are the only real way to find myself (and this blog is a record of that), but in my heart I still weep for myself, pitying how inadequate I am.
I could immediately judge these feelings as pointless self-loathing, but I'm just going to let them be for now. Part of what is objectively wrong with my patterns of living is that I have to judge every feeling I have; I can't just let them be. So a part of me is "just self-deprecating." So be it. I have to allow it if I am going to understand it.
There was another contributor to the chapter on zen and sexual trauma who described a habit of fearing feelings of excitement. Her description was extreme, but I could identify it at least in character. I absolutely have those tendencies, to be afraid of excitement and over-stimulation. It's nothing dramatic for me, just a grating friction that prevents exuberance from emerging more than it ought to. It's still there. But this is something to look into.
Yes, it saddens me even further as I write that paragraph; knowing how true it is, how much fear of excitement dominates my character. It saddens me, and it hurts.
If I cannot get comfortable with excitement, I am not going to fully experience my feelings. This is a fact.
What can I do to work on this? Maybe trauma work would actually help me a lot. This is not a new idea. Alexa suggested to me that I could benefit from trauma work, she too, even though neither of us had actually experienced significant abuse or anything like that. We just seemed to have personalities shaped by difficulty in experiencing things fully.
Something to think about. The timer has beeped.
Good night, all.
Monday, February 14, 2011
A Monday through Thursday Affair?
I guess that's what this blog is turning out to be. The major tiredness sets in on those weekend nights, when I want a break from my glorious Apollo self-edifying day planning.
I thought I'd fit in a good 15 minute stretch tonight, timer and all.
Things go well. Radical Honesty is running into some scheduling problems. Marina will be moving away from Santa Fe in a short amount of time, so I hope we scrappy few can get it together. Anyway, what I have experienced so far has been valuable. I am glad to have a new level of awareness added to my interactions throughout the day.
Work as been energetic; home life has been a little energetic. I did a lot of organizing yesterday; I continued today. I started with my junk drawers and did a little bit more closet reorganization. I have some clothing projects to work on; maybe I'll even get to that tonight. Probably not, but I could if I wanted to. (It's stain removal.) Today at work I continued the organization craze. I made a point of not talking to people, just focusing on my filing projects, but people dropped into my office one by one. The conversations were not bad, until the very end (and I apologize to this guy), because he had bipolar "pressure of speech," and it was getting to quitting time, and I had to cut him off a few times. It's good that I recognize this condition a little better, and that I am gaining more courage to let people know when their continually derailing trains of thought are getting in the way of having an effective session. It does me or him no good to write him off as "crazy" and not pay attention.
Yes, so there's that, and I want to write again, and I want to think about Peru. And my accordion needs repairs. It looks like I'm back on the galloping horse again.
I ask myself now: I want to write, but it's not like it was back in the day. Even as I write this now, I know I am going to make myself a little dinner, then want to engage in diffusive activities for a little while. I feel that it is owed to me. I could very well pick up and get to writing later (doing this blog entry now, rather than later, in a certain sense is clearing up space in my mind to do other things), but I wonder if I will. I wonder what it will take.
If I take a minute to gauge how I feel at this moment, I feel a kind of relaxation; a kind of comfort with where I am; but this is undercut by a kind of buzzing restlessness. As if I've been devoting too much energy into activities. But I feel good now. The lighting in the dining room is just right enough to bring up memories of sitting at a Greek restaurant on the Donauinsel in Vienna. The taste of the Retsina, the glow of the holiday lights wrapped around the warp and weft of the white lattices that served as walls, the look in the eyes of Maria sitting across from me, the Polish girl, who did not speak English, and who I later learned had a crush on me, and, damn it, why didn't I respond? I can even enjoy this regret; laugh it off. Is this sense of peace genuine?
A part of me wants to grasp that buzzing restlessness and get to the bottom of something. But maybe there is no problem. I can feel right now that I will gladly write a little bit and gladly settle into zazen this evening. I will not get excruciatingly tired, I will not compulsively waste time on the internet (after a certain point) and I won't feel a need to masturbate, as I often do when I'm left alone, without much to do.
Is that part of it? An ebb in sexual tension? It's possible. It would be important to make that connection, a feeling of sexual tension and my inability to focus, my inability to enjoy where I am. Those two, indeed, seem intertwined. Is my feeling tonight unnaturally chaste? I don't think so. It's just that I'm not looking to be stimulated. If my mind chose to go down that path, I could easily make myself horny, but I have no need to, not right now. Maybe the sexual tension I'm missing wasn't genuine sexual tension, but sexual tension being used for another purpose, for dealing with unresolved feelings, fears, depression.
I am left feeling suspicious - is that a good thing or a bad thing?
I'm noticing now that my appetite has been somewhat low today. Less compulsive eating.
What is going on here? This is so new for me.
That's 15 minutes. In the effort of ensuring that this blog will stay fresh for me, I'm going to stop now. We'll see where I'm at tomorrow.
Good night, all.
I thought I'd fit in a good 15 minute stretch tonight, timer and all.
Things go well. Radical Honesty is running into some scheduling problems. Marina will be moving away from Santa Fe in a short amount of time, so I hope we scrappy few can get it together. Anyway, what I have experienced so far has been valuable. I am glad to have a new level of awareness added to my interactions throughout the day.
Work as been energetic; home life has been a little energetic. I did a lot of organizing yesterday; I continued today. I started with my junk drawers and did a little bit more closet reorganization. I have some clothing projects to work on; maybe I'll even get to that tonight. Probably not, but I could if I wanted to. (It's stain removal.) Today at work I continued the organization craze. I made a point of not talking to people, just focusing on my filing projects, but people dropped into my office one by one. The conversations were not bad, until the very end (and I apologize to this guy), because he had bipolar "pressure of speech," and it was getting to quitting time, and I had to cut him off a few times. It's good that I recognize this condition a little better, and that I am gaining more courage to let people know when their continually derailing trains of thought are getting in the way of having an effective session. It does me or him no good to write him off as "crazy" and not pay attention.
Yes, so there's that, and I want to write again, and I want to think about Peru. And my accordion needs repairs. It looks like I'm back on the galloping horse again.
I ask myself now: I want to write, but it's not like it was back in the day. Even as I write this now, I know I am going to make myself a little dinner, then want to engage in diffusive activities for a little while. I feel that it is owed to me. I could very well pick up and get to writing later (doing this blog entry now, rather than later, in a certain sense is clearing up space in my mind to do other things), but I wonder if I will. I wonder what it will take.
If I take a minute to gauge how I feel at this moment, I feel a kind of relaxation; a kind of comfort with where I am; but this is undercut by a kind of buzzing restlessness. As if I've been devoting too much energy into activities. But I feel good now. The lighting in the dining room is just right enough to bring up memories of sitting at a Greek restaurant on the Donauinsel in Vienna. The taste of the Retsina, the glow of the holiday lights wrapped around the warp and weft of the white lattices that served as walls, the look in the eyes of Maria sitting across from me, the Polish girl, who did not speak English, and who I later learned had a crush on me, and, damn it, why didn't I respond? I can even enjoy this regret; laugh it off. Is this sense of peace genuine?
A part of me wants to grasp that buzzing restlessness and get to the bottom of something. But maybe there is no problem. I can feel right now that I will gladly write a little bit and gladly settle into zazen this evening. I will not get excruciatingly tired, I will not compulsively waste time on the internet (after a certain point) and I won't feel a need to masturbate, as I often do when I'm left alone, without much to do.
Is that part of it? An ebb in sexual tension? It's possible. It would be important to make that connection, a feeling of sexual tension and my inability to focus, my inability to enjoy where I am. Those two, indeed, seem intertwined. Is my feeling tonight unnaturally chaste? I don't think so. It's just that I'm not looking to be stimulated. If my mind chose to go down that path, I could easily make myself horny, but I have no need to, not right now. Maybe the sexual tension I'm missing wasn't genuine sexual tension, but sexual tension being used for another purpose, for dealing with unresolved feelings, fears, depression.
I am left feeling suspicious - is that a good thing or a bad thing?
I'm noticing now that my appetite has been somewhat low today. Less compulsive eating.
What is going on here? This is so new for me.
That's 15 minutes. In the effort of ensuring that this blog will stay fresh for me, I'm going to stop now. We'll see where I'm at tomorrow.
Good night, all.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Okay, fine.
Here's what I came up with.
By the way, all this stuff is copyrighted to me for all eternity, in perpetuity throughout the universe.
-----
Revisiting the canyon.
It began when the particles of dust in the air met the fullness of the ground. When dizzy air had disappeared, and we all could walk and breath oxygen.
The two of us lived in the house that had seemed so normal, so detachable from society, back when it was a suburb. When it was a necropolis around us, this pale shelter of dry wall and stucco was a fortress, a garden, a heart and a lung. We grasped to it like a womb.
There were other houses around us, but this one is ours.
Idleness evaporated, thankfully. We went to work right away. Everything before us had to be analyzed as a potential tool or material. I remember the joy I felt, finding a deformed used staple on the ground once we had set up the bin labeled "steel." Every drop of oil, every speck of plant matter, every torn piece of paper and unidentified fuzz had a place now. When necessity forces you to identify with the work of survival, a wasteland turns into Eden. This lesson was a blessing. I feel it was the big one, the sustaining one.
And so a pile of garbage is just as much a garden as a sweltering bed of irises and herbs. Everything is made a feast by my discerning fingers.
-------
Day One
It was the first day that laziness slid off my bones and the world opened up to me. I don't know what caused the change; but I welcome it. I welcome it as it comes back to me every day, like the sun returning on its course. And, like the sun, I hope it returns faithfully, and I do not have to resort to desperate sacrifices to win its good graces.
I woke up in bed, next to Lilly curled up and painfully resisting the day. I threw the blankets off the bed and glided out the front door in my bare feet, an uncovered whimpering Lilly echoing behind me.
I knew that this new day was different. The sunshine was pleasant, the air was breezy and warm (it was late June) and all of the world seemed laid out before me.
I went into the garage and begin the Work.
By the way, all this stuff is copyrighted to me for all eternity, in perpetuity throughout the universe.
-----
Revisiting the canyon.
It began when the particles of dust in the air met the fullness of the ground. When dizzy air had disappeared, and we all could walk and breath oxygen.
The two of us lived in the house that had seemed so normal, so detachable from society, back when it was a suburb. When it was a necropolis around us, this pale shelter of dry wall and stucco was a fortress, a garden, a heart and a lung. We grasped to it like a womb.
There were other houses around us, but this one is ours.
Idleness evaporated, thankfully. We went to work right away. Everything before us had to be analyzed as a potential tool or material. I remember the joy I felt, finding a deformed used staple on the ground once we had set up the bin labeled "steel." Every drop of oil, every speck of plant matter, every torn piece of paper and unidentified fuzz had a place now. When necessity forces you to identify with the work of survival, a wasteland turns into Eden. This lesson was a blessing. I feel it was the big one, the sustaining one.
And so a pile of garbage is just as much a garden as a sweltering bed of irises and herbs. Everything is made a feast by my discerning fingers.
-------
Day One
It was the first day that laziness slid off my bones and the world opened up to me. I don't know what caused the change; but I welcome it. I welcome it as it comes back to me every day, like the sun returning on its course. And, like the sun, I hope it returns faithfully, and I do not have to resort to desperate sacrifices to win its good graces.
I woke up in bed, next to Lilly curled up and painfully resisting the day. I threw the blankets off the bed and glided out the front door in my bare feet, an uncovered whimpering Lilly echoing behind me.
I knew that this new day was different. The sunshine was pleasant, the air was breezy and warm (it was late June) and all of the world seemed laid out before me.
I went into the garage and begin the Work.
Big Event
Tonight I am simply going to mention the fact that I will be spending the next 10 minutes writing creatively. Wish me luck!
Good night, all.
Good night, all.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Cast-Iron Thoughts
Rather than write for 15 minutes, I'm going to nail 2 thoughts to the blogtree:
1. In Zen. Henry reminded me tonight that any Zen practice is always about allowing, surrender and inclusion. Trying to emphasize a task, such as to focus on a koan, requires that I not shut out the opposite of my task: not focusing on a koan. This makes a tremendous amount of sense, and yet is completely counter to how I am used to doing things. I'm glad I've got so much good work ahead of me. A lot of focusing and also allowing myself to not focus.
2. I've been talking about brainwaves a lot with Penelope. She says that one's attraction to zombie-like activities (tv, video games, pointless web-surfing) is an attempt to reach Alpha. If this is true, I think what this means is that we're all sick of dealing with the voice in our heads, and we're trying to shut it off - the voice in our head being largely (though not entirely) associated with Beta. If this is true, then it would mean that those who spend the most time in Beta, that is, worrying, thinking and planning, will have the most aggressive tendencies to throw themselves into an Alpha state. Those who find themselves in Alpha more often won't be so extreme. I wonder if I could test that out, somehow? What gets us into Alpha? Non-zen, guided type meditation (Zen allows a lot of Beta), yoga, playing music, creative activity. There's quite a lot.
That's it. Good night, all.
1. In Zen. Henry reminded me tonight that any Zen practice is always about allowing, surrender and inclusion. Trying to emphasize a task, such as to focus on a koan, requires that I not shut out the opposite of my task: not focusing on a koan. This makes a tremendous amount of sense, and yet is completely counter to how I am used to doing things. I'm glad I've got so much good work ahead of me. A lot of focusing and also allowing myself to not focus.
2. I've been talking about brainwaves a lot with Penelope. She says that one's attraction to zombie-like activities (tv, video games, pointless web-surfing) is an attempt to reach Alpha. If this is true, I think what this means is that we're all sick of dealing with the voice in our heads, and we're trying to shut it off - the voice in our head being largely (though not entirely) associated with Beta. If this is true, then it would mean that those who spend the most time in Beta, that is, worrying, thinking and planning, will have the most aggressive tendencies to throw themselves into an Alpha state. Those who find themselves in Alpha more often won't be so extreme. I wonder if I could test that out, somehow? What gets us into Alpha? Non-zen, guided type meditation (Zen allows a lot of Beta), yoga, playing music, creative activity. There's quite a lot.
That's it. Good night, all.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
On a Treadmill
I'm moving my legs, but am I getting anywhere?
Ok, this treadmill metaphor has nothing to do with anything. Except for this: www.nitrome.com/games/supertreadmill
I've run out of time to spend on this. I want to simply write down a thought I had this morning, about doing productive things vs. unproductive things. Of course, the entire conflict is probably unproductive. But my point is, first, to ask: productive for whom? And, second, to note that nothing will change as long as conflict is my methodology. Judgment, refusal, denial, rejection. These will not do. Can I embrace my inner time-burglar lovingly? That's the real challenge - not smiting him. I need to love this guy, not tolerate, imprison or destroy him.
Because, as Elizabeth Alexander was wondering about, love is the mightiest word.
Good night, all.
Ok, this treadmill metaphor has nothing to do with anything. Except for this: www.nitrome.com/games/supertreadmill
I've run out of time to spend on this. I want to simply write down a thought I had this morning, about doing productive things vs. unproductive things. Of course, the entire conflict is probably unproductive. But my point is, first, to ask: productive for whom? And, second, to note that nothing will change as long as conflict is my methodology. Judgment, refusal, denial, rejection. These will not do. Can I embrace my inner time-burglar lovingly? That's the real challenge - not smiting him. I need to love this guy, not tolerate, imprison or destroy him.
Because, as Elizabeth Alexander was wondering about, love is the mightiest word.
Good night, all.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Back on the horse
Okay, so it's been a while since posting.
I was 50% too busy and 50% too lazy, to describe all 4 nights I did not post.
That is a good equation for how my life is going right now. I'm actually getting a little sick of the constant back-and-forth: either doing tons of stuff or rebelling and wasting time and falling asleep on the couch and not doing anything at all.
Time with people seems the most valuable. By that I mean time spent with Penelope, of course, but also with friends - Abby, Erin and others. I met someone on couchsurfing just as a sort of friend date yesterday, and I had a great time. It was great to talk to someone just for the sake of learning about her life and her interests. It got me thinking a lot about my past interests and activities (especially my stint as a blacksmith) and where I really want to be in my life.
I need a new model. I need to transform. I need to end the dithering. The relaxation as reward. Relaxation is a necessity, like everything else. But I want to curl up and tumble inside of it, to the detriment of everything else. I need more communication between the different parts of my life.
What will it take to wake up when I set my alarm, so I have enough time to cook myself breakfast, do yoga, read a few blogs and maybe even spend 10 minutes writing, playing music, doing nothing at all.
I don't like the pacing of my life. I want parts of it to slow down, and others to speed up. It all feels wrong. I feel unbalanced, with no real solid idea of what balance is.
I wish it could all go away: the restlessness, the inability to really sit still during zazen, the resistance to waking up in the morning. But really, to be fair, if I feel so upset at the pacing, why would I want to get up right away?
What can I do to allow more magic into my life? What are the decisions I need to make? Is it just about my career? I often do find myself feeling strapped for time, and then looking at the 5-day behemoth that takes up most of my week.
Allow, allow, allow, says Henry. Or Embrace, allow, surrender. That's what the process of touching something greater is all about. It cannot come from my intentions or activity. But then, my intentions get me to the gate. So really, some activity is necessary. This is a famous zen puzzle - how can two arrows meet in mid-air? You have to be a skilled archer to get the arrow in the path of the other one, but no skill is good enough to accomplish this almost absurd feat, two arrows hitting each other head on.
Hmm.. But thinking along these lines then makes the constant effort of zazen seem meaningless. If it only happens when it happens, then why sit? Why cast such a large net, if there is only one small fish to catch? Why not keep the net folded up until it's time to act?
I guess it's because you don't really know when the moment to strike is - you cannot be so presumptuous. Sitting zazen, casting the infinite net, is, in fact, an acknowledgement that I am not in control; that I am not ever going to be able to see and grab any insight or value; I have to just bring myself there and sit.
And sit I shall. It's been a good 15 minutes. It does feel good to have written more tonight. I will return tomorrow.
Good night, all.
I was 50% too busy and 50% too lazy, to describe all 4 nights I did not post.
That is a good equation for how my life is going right now. I'm actually getting a little sick of the constant back-and-forth: either doing tons of stuff or rebelling and wasting time and falling asleep on the couch and not doing anything at all.
Time with people seems the most valuable. By that I mean time spent with Penelope, of course, but also with friends - Abby, Erin and others. I met someone on couchsurfing just as a sort of friend date yesterday, and I had a great time. It was great to talk to someone just for the sake of learning about her life and her interests. It got me thinking a lot about my past interests and activities (especially my stint as a blacksmith) and where I really want to be in my life.
I need a new model. I need to transform. I need to end the dithering. The relaxation as reward. Relaxation is a necessity, like everything else. But I want to curl up and tumble inside of it, to the detriment of everything else. I need more communication between the different parts of my life.
What will it take to wake up when I set my alarm, so I have enough time to cook myself breakfast, do yoga, read a few blogs and maybe even spend 10 minutes writing, playing music, doing nothing at all.
I don't like the pacing of my life. I want parts of it to slow down, and others to speed up. It all feels wrong. I feel unbalanced, with no real solid idea of what balance is.
I wish it could all go away: the restlessness, the inability to really sit still during zazen, the resistance to waking up in the morning. But really, to be fair, if I feel so upset at the pacing, why would I want to get up right away?
What can I do to allow more magic into my life? What are the decisions I need to make? Is it just about my career? I often do find myself feeling strapped for time, and then looking at the 5-day behemoth that takes up most of my week.
Allow, allow, allow, says Henry. Or Embrace, allow, surrender. That's what the process of touching something greater is all about. It cannot come from my intentions or activity. But then, my intentions get me to the gate. So really, some activity is necessary. This is a famous zen puzzle - how can two arrows meet in mid-air? You have to be a skilled archer to get the arrow in the path of the other one, but no skill is good enough to accomplish this almost absurd feat, two arrows hitting each other head on.
Hmm.. But thinking along these lines then makes the constant effort of zazen seem meaningless. If it only happens when it happens, then why sit? Why cast such a large net, if there is only one small fish to catch? Why not keep the net folded up until it's time to act?
I guess it's because you don't really know when the moment to strike is - you cannot be so presumptuous. Sitting zazen, casting the infinite net, is, in fact, an acknowledgement that I am not in control; that I am not ever going to be able to see and grab any insight or value; I have to just bring myself there and sit.
And sit I shall. It's been a good 15 minutes. It does feel good to have written more tonight. I will return tomorrow.
Good night, all.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Who is stressed?
The timer is on. I decided on 15 minutes tonight.
During zazen, I thought it would be a good idea to focus on what stresses me out. I guess I should say that a list formed in my head, of those things that have caused me the most stress.
1. I am really stressing about this weekend. Penelope is house sitting, beginning on Saturday. I am petsitting on Saturday. I must stay at my house; she at hers. Crap. The plan right now is that she will be coming up Friday, spending the night with me and then leaving late Saturday afternoon. That's a nice chunk of time together. The only problem is that Friday night my roommates will be around, so we won't have any privacy. There's the possibility of Ojo Caliente, though which will be nice. Whatever happens, it will be nice, and if we can't indulge every impulse, we'll have the pleasure of anticipation for the next time. I could even visit her Sunday night if I wanted to.
I wanted to focus on my stress, and here I have gone and solved the problem for myself. Stupid options, releasing the emotional pressure.
2. My tax amnesty issue. I filed for tax amnesty for 2009 (for various reasons I would be happy to explain in person), and my assigned bureaucrat at New Mexico Taxation & Revenue is taking a long time to get back to me. I sent a fax on 1/19 with an important document, and I haven't heard that she's gotten it. I sent her an e-mail, asking for follow-up. I have until the 20th of this month to get the correct document (there's just one, fortunately) sent in, so there is some time left. And she took a long time to call me back, the first time I called her, so I can expect a delay in response. Or, best-case scenario, she got the thing, it worked out fine, and she's already sent out the letter for the next step, and it's just taking a while to get to me.
3. Work. What am I doing there? I need to spend more time focusing on that. I guess I could even spend time at home, since I've been struggling so much to find time to sit and work out my own goals while I'm actually there. This would be crucial. I almost can say to myself: I'm not allowed to feel anxious about this until I've sat down and come up with my own goals for this job as case manager.
Ok, but the point is that I'm feeling all this stress. I don't necessarily need explanations or solutions. Although, it does feel good to know I have options, different ways to respond to things.
Everything will be ok.
I had a great zen session (not sesshin) tonight. Really great, in fact. Unfathomably great, almost.
I want to phrase it this way: zazen, for just a little while, ceased to be about getting to a perfect point of composure and became a method of questioning who I am.
So I feel stress about all these things, these three main things. I feel a lot of stress. Zazen is not about saying to myself: I should not feel stressed. Calm down. Do not feel stressed. Be calm and the solution will manifest itself. Zazen is about keeping the stress close to my heart and asking: Wait! Who feels stressed? If I don't feel the stress, I can't ask who it is for. Does this make sense to anyone? This seems important to me. Very important. I can only hope that my practice continues along these lines. It's really very frightening - I feel a loss of a certain security. I told this to Henry during dokusan tonight, and he told me not to be afraid. He told me that what zen takes away from you is what you never had; what it gives you is what you've always had. Meaning, I am not damaging myself, hurting myself by opening up this insecurity; this is an insecurity that has always been with me. This is the underlying terror of existence. It's the fear of death, the end of who I think I am. Sometimes, sitting on the cushion, I am afraid of everything inside me, looking out. Will focusing on this make me insane? I really want to walk into this sober; to really examine "who is on board," as Henry says. That is what you're supposed to be asking about: who's there?
I am not just curious about who's there - I'm somewhat frightened by what I might find. Who am I? An angel? A demon? Nothing at all? I know I'm a normal human being, but what does that really mean?
The timer has beeped, and I feel like I have more to write. I'm going to leave it that way; see what I can pick up again tomorrow.
Good night, all. Whoever you are.
During zazen, I thought it would be a good idea to focus on what stresses me out. I guess I should say that a list formed in my head, of those things that have caused me the most stress.
1. I am really stressing about this weekend. Penelope is house sitting, beginning on Saturday. I am petsitting on Saturday. I must stay at my house; she at hers. Crap. The plan right now is that she will be coming up Friday, spending the night with me and then leaving late Saturday afternoon. That's a nice chunk of time together. The only problem is that Friday night my roommates will be around, so we won't have any privacy. There's the possibility of Ojo Caliente, though which will be nice. Whatever happens, it will be nice, and if we can't indulge every impulse, we'll have the pleasure of anticipation for the next time. I could even visit her Sunday night if I wanted to.
I wanted to focus on my stress, and here I have gone and solved the problem for myself. Stupid options, releasing the emotional pressure.
2. My tax amnesty issue. I filed for tax amnesty for 2009 (for various reasons I would be happy to explain in person), and my assigned bureaucrat at New Mexico Taxation & Revenue is taking a long time to get back to me. I sent a fax on 1/19 with an important document, and I haven't heard that she's gotten it. I sent her an e-mail, asking for follow-up. I have until the 20th of this month to get the correct document (there's just one, fortunately) sent in, so there is some time left. And she took a long time to call me back, the first time I called her, so I can expect a delay in response. Or, best-case scenario, she got the thing, it worked out fine, and she's already sent out the letter for the next step, and it's just taking a while to get to me.
3. Work. What am I doing there? I need to spend more time focusing on that. I guess I could even spend time at home, since I've been struggling so much to find time to sit and work out my own goals while I'm actually there. This would be crucial. I almost can say to myself: I'm not allowed to feel anxious about this until I've sat down and come up with my own goals for this job as case manager.
Ok, but the point is that I'm feeling all this stress. I don't necessarily need explanations or solutions. Although, it does feel good to know I have options, different ways to respond to things.
Everything will be ok.
I had a great zen session (not sesshin) tonight. Really great, in fact. Unfathomably great, almost.
I want to phrase it this way: zazen, for just a little while, ceased to be about getting to a perfect point of composure and became a method of questioning who I am.
So I feel stress about all these things, these three main things. I feel a lot of stress. Zazen is not about saying to myself: I should not feel stressed. Calm down. Do not feel stressed. Be calm and the solution will manifest itself. Zazen is about keeping the stress close to my heart and asking: Wait! Who feels stressed? If I don't feel the stress, I can't ask who it is for. Does this make sense to anyone? This seems important to me. Very important. I can only hope that my practice continues along these lines. It's really very frightening - I feel a loss of a certain security. I told this to Henry during dokusan tonight, and he told me not to be afraid. He told me that what zen takes away from you is what you never had; what it gives you is what you've always had. Meaning, I am not damaging myself, hurting myself by opening up this insecurity; this is an insecurity that has always been with me. This is the underlying terror of existence. It's the fear of death, the end of who I think I am. Sometimes, sitting on the cushion, I am afraid of everything inside me, looking out. Will focusing on this make me insane? I really want to walk into this sober; to really examine "who is on board," as Henry says. That is what you're supposed to be asking about: who's there?
I am not just curious about who's there - I'm somewhat frightened by what I might find. Who am I? An angel? A demon? Nothing at all? I know I'm a normal human being, but what does that really mean?
The timer has beeped, and I feel like I have more to write. I'm going to leave it that way; see what I can pick up again tomorrow.
Good night, all. Whoever you are.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Writing Down the Bones of the Artist's Way
Okay,
New blog idea. I'm going to set a timer for 20 minutes and just type. I will not stop when the timer runs out, just wrap up. And guess what: I've already hit the timer.
This is a project along the lines of Writing Down the Bones or the Artist's Way. I am going to edit a little bit, for the sake of sharing this with other people. But it will be quick.
Today. I had a good redemptive moment in reference to the frustration I felt with my coworkers last night. This has not been a huge issue with me, but it was a small, subtle moment of good feeling, when I told someone exactly what I wanted from her. It was pleasant and, most importantly, I got over the feeling immediately - I could move on.
Do I hold myself ransom in these situations - that is, do I needlessly hold myself back, back from "moving on" from drama and emotional attachment, when I do not have the satisfaction I need? It's a little bit like holding myself for ransom. A part of me rebelling against another part - throwing a tantrum - I'm not going to be happy unless I get what I want. Is this the only way of doing things?
I wanted, at some point this weekend, to write down a list of all the foreign places I'd like to visit. I think it was clear that I wanted to visit all the famous ruin sites across the world: Egypt, Greece, Italy (particularly Pompeii), Angkor Wat, Machu Picchu, Chichen Itza. I think that was the main list. Stonehenge would be cool, too. That's a decent list. My goal was to visit a new country every year. I'm already thinking Peru, so that would satisfy Chichen Itza. I'd like to go to Southeast Asia pretty soon, so I think next would be Cambodia (Along with a handful of other countries). Then probably Mexico. I'm assuming I'll be older and richer by the time I go to Egypt, Greece, Italy and England again. Though I've been to England and Italy already, so I'll need to stop by another country on those trips in order to get the quota. I think territories should count, especially if they're exotic enough. So if I stop in, say, the Faroe Islands when I go to England, it would not count as Denmark. Of course it would be great to go to Guatemala and Mexico in the same run.
Ok, next thought. Feeling a little shaken up today. Tensions were high at work, as my other co-workers can tell you. I always feel frightened of retaliation; it's a bad feeling. People are crazy, and they don't get help. I know it does me no good to be paranoid, but our country sucks at getting people help when they need it - we always seem to need to start the process of reviewing mental health conditions a little too late. I am of course thinking a lot about the shooting in Arizona last month. It seems like a very real thing to me, not far away.
I really want to make efforts to heal the society I live in. Spending all day trying to bandage up the wounds gets to feel kind of pointless. "There are a thousand hacking at the branches of evil to one who is striking at the root," as Thoreau says. I want to spend my time striking at the root.
Next, I am thinking about diet. I have been taking a break, ostensibly just to make an effort to get rid of a lot of the food I have in the refrigerator. But I am beginning to feel bloated and tired again. I think the 4HB diet actually did help me quite a bit. This morning I decided to end the gorging on sweets I had succumbed to, but why not go farther? I'm cutting out the wheat again, starting tomorrow. If I cut it back day by day, I will get back to something both healthy and comfortable. Of course it's nice not having to cook for myself - I missed having the leisure to read in the morning. But really, I need to wrest that time from my lying in bed. As Sam says, I don't have time for dithering anymore. I think 30 minutes reading and daydreaming, after being awake, is worth 30 minutes of stolen bed time, neither awake nor really resting. But, I still wonder, who am I to say? Obviously the lazy bed time does something for me.
I want now to spend a sentence or two on deeper emotional things. I remind myself that it's important to focus on bodily sensations. This was my big insight, my great work at Sesshin - that there is a disconnect, that I still believe that mind and body are somehow separate things. I want to say that I believe that they are one, but it is not quite so simple as to say: I now believe that mind and body are one. It takes time. And, most importantly, I need to understand that in my body. I wonder what sort of work I need to do in order to realize that.
I still have about 4 minutes left. I think this writing suffers from lack of consideration, from thinking. But look how prolific I've been, spending less time than I normally do on this.
I'm just going to stop for now. I'll give myself the same amount of time tomorrow, but I'm thinking maybe even 15 minutes could be great - if I can figure out how to get to the heart of the matter much faster. Or, maybe, I did just fine. I'll need to reread all of this tomorrow.
For now, good night.
New blog idea. I'm going to set a timer for 20 minutes and just type. I will not stop when the timer runs out, just wrap up. And guess what: I've already hit the timer.
This is a project along the lines of Writing Down the Bones or the Artist's Way. I am going to edit a little bit, for the sake of sharing this with other people. But it will be quick.
Today. I had a good redemptive moment in reference to the frustration I felt with my coworkers last night. This has not been a huge issue with me, but it was a small, subtle moment of good feeling, when I told someone exactly what I wanted from her. It was pleasant and, most importantly, I got over the feeling immediately - I could move on.
Do I hold myself ransom in these situations - that is, do I needlessly hold myself back, back from "moving on" from drama and emotional attachment, when I do not have the satisfaction I need? It's a little bit like holding myself for ransom. A part of me rebelling against another part - throwing a tantrum - I'm not going to be happy unless I get what I want. Is this the only way of doing things?
I wanted, at some point this weekend, to write down a list of all the foreign places I'd like to visit. I think it was clear that I wanted to visit all the famous ruin sites across the world: Egypt, Greece, Italy (particularly Pompeii), Angkor Wat, Machu Picchu, Chichen Itza. I think that was the main list. Stonehenge would be cool, too. That's a decent list. My goal was to visit a new country every year. I'm already thinking Peru, so that would satisfy Chichen Itza. I'd like to go to Southeast Asia pretty soon, so I think next would be Cambodia (Along with a handful of other countries). Then probably Mexico. I'm assuming I'll be older and richer by the time I go to Egypt, Greece, Italy and England again. Though I've been to England and Italy already, so I'll need to stop by another country on those trips in order to get the quota. I think territories should count, especially if they're exotic enough. So if I stop in, say, the Faroe Islands when I go to England, it would not count as Denmark. Of course it would be great to go to Guatemala and Mexico in the same run.
Ok, next thought. Feeling a little shaken up today. Tensions were high at work, as my other co-workers can tell you. I always feel frightened of retaliation; it's a bad feeling. People are crazy, and they don't get help. I know it does me no good to be paranoid, but our country sucks at getting people help when they need it - we always seem to need to start the process of reviewing mental health conditions a little too late. I am of course thinking a lot about the shooting in Arizona last month. It seems like a very real thing to me, not far away.
I really want to make efforts to heal the society I live in. Spending all day trying to bandage up the wounds gets to feel kind of pointless. "There are a thousand hacking at the branches of evil to one who is striking at the root," as Thoreau says. I want to spend my time striking at the root.
Next, I am thinking about diet. I have been taking a break, ostensibly just to make an effort to get rid of a lot of the food I have in the refrigerator. But I am beginning to feel bloated and tired again. I think the 4HB diet actually did help me quite a bit. This morning I decided to end the gorging on sweets I had succumbed to, but why not go farther? I'm cutting out the wheat again, starting tomorrow. If I cut it back day by day, I will get back to something both healthy and comfortable. Of course it's nice not having to cook for myself - I missed having the leisure to read in the morning. But really, I need to wrest that time from my lying in bed. As Sam says, I don't have time for dithering anymore. I think 30 minutes reading and daydreaming, after being awake, is worth 30 minutes of stolen bed time, neither awake nor really resting. But, I still wonder, who am I to say? Obviously the lazy bed time does something for me.
I want now to spend a sentence or two on deeper emotional things. I remind myself that it's important to focus on bodily sensations. This was my big insight, my great work at Sesshin - that there is a disconnect, that I still believe that mind and body are somehow separate things. I want to say that I believe that they are one, but it is not quite so simple as to say: I now believe that mind and body are one. It takes time. And, most importantly, I need to understand that in my body. I wonder what sort of work I need to do in order to realize that.
I still have about 4 minutes left. I think this writing suffers from lack of consideration, from thinking. But look how prolific I've been, spending less time than I normally do on this.
I'm just going to stop for now. I'll give myself the same amount of time tomorrow, but I'm thinking maybe even 15 minutes could be great - if I can figure out how to get to the heart of the matter much faster. Or, maybe, I did just fine. I'll need to reread all of this tomorrow.
For now, good night.
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