Back on the horse

Okay, so it's been a while since posting.

I was 50% too busy and 50% too lazy, to describe all 4 nights I did not post.

That is a good equation for how my life is going right now. I'm actually getting a little sick of the constant back-and-forth: either doing tons of stuff or rebelling and wasting time and falling asleep on the couch and not doing anything at all.

Time with people seems the most valuable. By that I mean time spent with Penelope, of course, but also with friends - Abby, Erin and others. I met someone on couchsurfing just as a sort of friend date yesterday, and I had a great time. It was great to talk to someone just for the sake of learning about her life and her interests. It got me thinking a lot about my past interests and activities (especially my stint as a blacksmith) and where I really want to be in my life.

I need a new model. I need to transform. I need to end the dithering. The relaxation as reward. Relaxation is a necessity, like everything else. But I want to curl up and tumble inside of it, to the detriment of everything else. I need more communication between the different parts of my life.

What will it take to wake up when I set my alarm, so I have enough time to cook myself breakfast, do yoga, read a few blogs and maybe even spend 10 minutes writing, playing music, doing nothing at all.

I don't like the pacing of my life. I want parts of it to slow down, and others to speed up. It all feels wrong. I feel unbalanced, with no real solid idea of what balance is.

I wish it could all go away: the restlessness, the inability to really sit still during zazen, the resistance to waking up in the morning. But really, to be fair, if I feel so upset at the pacing, why would I want to get up right away?

What can I do to allow more magic into my life? What are the decisions I need to make? Is it just about my career? I often do find myself feeling strapped for time, and then looking at the 5-day behemoth that takes up most of my week.

Allow, allow, allow, says Henry. Or Embrace, allow, surrender. That's what the process of touching something greater is all about. It cannot come from my intentions or activity. But then, my intentions get me to the gate. So really, some activity is necessary. This is a famous zen puzzle - how can two arrows meet in mid-air? You have to be a skilled archer to get the arrow in the path of the other one, but no skill is good enough to accomplish this almost absurd feat, two arrows hitting each other head on.

Hmm.. But thinking along these lines then makes the constant effort of zazen seem meaningless. If it only happens when it happens, then why sit? Why cast such a large net, if there is only one small fish to catch? Why not keep the net folded up until it's time to act?

I guess it's because you don't really know when the moment to strike is - you cannot be so presumptuous. Sitting zazen, casting the infinite net, is, in fact, an acknowledgement that I am not in control; that I am not ever going to be able to see and grab any insight or value; I have to just bring myself there and sit.

And sit I shall. It's been a good 15 minutes. It does feel good to have written more tonight. I will return tomorrow.

Good night, all.