Journey, Path, Innervision

This is going to be a swift 5-minute romp.

I went to Shaman night today. It was good - but the alienation is setting in. The last meeting I went to, I decided that my method of visualization was too controlled, too marred by agenda and expectation. I wanted to jump right in and truly experience something. So I did - but what I experienced was murky and confusing. It was very hard to remember what I had experienced. This went for the guerrilla shaman night last week, and then for the evening tonight. It's all very confusing. When it's my turn to speak, Doubt and Confusion are at my lips. It's not the totality of what I have to bring back to my companions, but it's significant. It colors everything, and it occupies my body and my thoughts, when I am sitting there and trying to focus.

I doubt tremendously. It is getting quite fierce. I have written about my doubts in Zen. I think it's clear that I don't entirely trust Sanbo Kyodan as a vehicle for zen. I simply don't see the value in straining to follow someone else's thoughts. There is more to it than that - but that is the feeling, this not seeing value and being disappointed and frustrated. Constantly wondering - is this what I want to do. Alternate that with feeling - is this practice, the koan practice, invading and corrupting my normal sitting, something that was going so well for me? I find myself thinking that, sometimes, when I'm on the cushion. Sometimes, it's no big deal. It's just something there. The real practice is still there. But then I get a little sucked away from the "real practice" because, oh shit, I'm not doing the koan practice, and aren't I supposed to be doing koan practice?

*Sighhhhhhh.* I'm thinking, at some point, I might just have to say to Henry: I'll continue seeing you, but I'm not doing the koan practice. This is so frustrating. Why can't all people just be sensible and moderate in what they do, realizing and checking themselves when engaging in unnecessary enterprises? Or, why can't I see the value in this activity? One or the other.

Doubt, doubt, doubt.

And, even so, good night, all.