... but my mind is in Peru at the moment. I've been living the ups and downs of planning a trip to an incredibly over-popular tourist destination, and I've had no time to blog. But my effort has borne some fruit.
I was not able to get a reservation for an Inca Trail Hike. Instead, over the past 4 days, I've been researching alternative Treks. Tonight I finally decided on hiking the 5-day, non-Inca Trail Salkantay trek to Machu Picchu. I'll be with the agency United Mice. I just sent out a query e-mail; once I get a green light, I'll make a reservation and send them the deposit. If I can get a deal that they e-mailed me, it will cost $425 for 5 days. Most Inca Trail hikes are, at the bare minimum $480for 4 days, but the vast majority of them are over $500. It's a much better deal. The trek is a little more challenging and the landscape is more rugged and diverse. What I lose out on is the amount of ruins. This pains me to a certain degree, but there will be plenty of other chances to see Inca sites afterward.
The Trek would leave on June 16, putting me in Cusco on June 15 on the latest. that gives me just over 2 weeks in the rest of Peru, since afterward I'll definitely be hanging around in Cusco for 4 or 5 days (depending on whether it makes sense for me to spend an extra day at Machu Picchu - I've asked the tour operators). But from what I hear, you can't spend too much time in Cusco.
So I still have to make this reservation and my flight to LA. But I'm at a point now where I feel I can relax. The most stressful day was Monday, when I was frantically searching Inca Trail treks, only to realize that there was a frighteningly small amount of permits available for the dates I needed. I sent out a flurry of reservations, only to have them all rejected the next day for lack of available spots. It was nerve-wracking, but I feel all the stress is past me now.
At this point, my planning is going to slow down, so I can focus on other projects.
In the way of homesteading, my efforts have been:
-Repairing my pants. I fixed major holes in the groin area (very embarrassing). I'm going to do more work on them. I need good pants for travel. Sounds goofy, but it's true. Clothing must be comfortable to wear and functional.
-Watching my plants. The shiso sprouts seem to have peaked at 5. They seem to be growing slowly. Jesus suggests it's due to low temperatures, so that will change. My plants at the Shelter are surviving. The sage is okay; the oregano is just a stump; and the pregnant onions look a little bad. I want to get them outside as soon as I can, but the weather has predicted frost every so often, and I don't want to take risks. I think more research will go a long way with all these plants - I've got a great opportunity to focus on specific plants and enrich my knowledge through the narrowness of my study (as opposed to feeling overwhelmed at the amount of possible things to learn).
That'll do for now. More to come, especially more photos.
Good night, all.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Technical Difficulties.
I'm back, and my camera is back too. I did some rearranging in my room. The biggest changes are:
-My desk and my couch have switched places.
I moved that awkward, jutting-out bookshelf to the left instead of to the right of the other one.
I spent all day cleaning and reorganizing. I continue to do so, slowly clearing out the Dell of all its files. I have a ton of stuff installed on there, and I don't know what it all is; what is essential and what isn't. It will take some time yet to figure it out. I'd like to get this thing ready to sell sooner rather than later, though.
I have gotten rid of a bunch of things, with a pile of books ready to be sold, a few shirts to donate to the shelter, and my old mattress cover, which I think I'm going to trash, rather than donate, because of all the blood stains on it. Unless I can somehow freecycle it.
I'm 100% certain now that I have sprained my big toe. It was a phantom pain for a while, and my slight hypochondria caused me to consider the options of broken bones or gout; but it's just sprained. I've done enough experimenting with the Vibram Five Fingers right now; it's time to investigate tested training programs for near-barefoot running so I don't injure myself further.
Actually, the fear of gout has caused me to reconsider my diet. In order to make a slow-carb diet more palatable, I have been eating a lot of cured meats, and adding all the protein powder to that, gout is a possibility, even if it is not a very strong one. The one simple thing I can do is make sure I drink at least 2 liters of water every day I'm doing high protein intake. The second is to try to look for less fatty/processed meat-type foods and focus more on non-starchy vegetables; a decision that's endorsed by all diets known to man. I'm going to have to do a little bit of financial planning now that I've got a trip to Peru locked-down, maybe I can use the amount of money to spend as a reliable way to regulate what percentage of my diet is vegetables.
Oh, right: Peru. I spent all of Thursday evening searching for tickets to Peru, and I ended up buying an itinerary that gets me out of NM on May 27 and back on June 27 or 28. I'll be flying on Taca airlines out of LAX. I have a list of things to do ASAP in reference to this trip: decide how and when I'm getting to LA; reserve a spot on the Inca Trail; check up on vaccinations; and, for the linguist in me, brush up on my Spanish and gather what Quechua I can.
I've decided I'd like to focus on one homesteading project at a time; right now that's the Dell. However, I'm going to continue to focus on Peru due to the time constraints. Planning this trip thrills me; I can't wait to go. It will be my first time to South America, the Southern Hemisphere and a Spanish-speaking foreign country. (Of course you all realize, the country where I live is actually a Spanish-speaking country.)
A comment on homesteading. I was thinking about the definition of that word today. As it's used popularly, it means living self-sufficiently. I am making microscopic steps in that direction. However, I find that definition too limiting for what the word actually means to me. I can't expound on that in full right now, but I can say this: I am making the space around me more of a home. I am working to understand what it means to feel at home; what the impediments are on the inside. This is my project; this is the urban homesteading I practice.
Enjoy the evening, all.
-My desk and my couch have switched places.
I moved that awkward, jutting-out bookshelf to the left instead of to the right of the other one.
I spent all day cleaning and reorganizing. I continue to do so, slowly clearing out the Dell of all its files. I have a ton of stuff installed on there, and I don't know what it all is; what is essential and what isn't. It will take some time yet to figure it out. I'd like to get this thing ready to sell sooner rather than later, though.
I have gotten rid of a bunch of things, with a pile of books ready to be sold, a few shirts to donate to the shelter, and my old mattress cover, which I think I'm going to trash, rather than donate, because of all the blood stains on it. Unless I can somehow freecycle it.
I'm 100% certain now that I have sprained my big toe. It was a phantom pain for a while, and my slight hypochondria caused me to consider the options of broken bones or gout; but it's just sprained. I've done enough experimenting with the Vibram Five Fingers right now; it's time to investigate tested training programs for near-barefoot running so I don't injure myself further.
Actually, the fear of gout has caused me to reconsider my diet. In order to make a slow-carb diet more palatable, I have been eating a lot of cured meats, and adding all the protein powder to that, gout is a possibility, even if it is not a very strong one. The one simple thing I can do is make sure I drink at least 2 liters of water every day I'm doing high protein intake. The second is to try to look for less fatty/processed meat-type foods and focus more on non-starchy vegetables; a decision that's endorsed by all diets known to man. I'm going to have to do a little bit of financial planning now that I've got a trip to Peru locked-down, maybe I can use the amount of money to spend as a reliable way to regulate what percentage of my diet is vegetables.
Oh, right: Peru. I spent all of Thursday evening searching for tickets to Peru, and I ended up buying an itinerary that gets me out of NM on May 27 and back on June 27 or 28. I'll be flying on Taca airlines out of LAX. I have a list of things to do ASAP in reference to this trip: decide how and when I'm getting to LA; reserve a spot on the Inca Trail; check up on vaccinations; and, for the linguist in me, brush up on my Spanish and gather what Quechua I can.
I've decided I'd like to focus on one homesteading project at a time; right now that's the Dell. However, I'm going to continue to focus on Peru due to the time constraints. Planning this trip thrills me; I can't wait to go. It will be my first time to South America, the Southern Hemisphere and a Spanish-speaking foreign country. (Of course you all realize, the country where I live is actually a Spanish-speaking country.)
A comment on homesteading. I was thinking about the definition of that word today. As it's used popularly, it means living self-sufficiently. I am making microscopic steps in that direction. However, I find that definition too limiting for what the word actually means to me. I can't expound on that in full right now, but I can say this: I am making the space around me more of a home. I am working to understand what it means to feel at home; what the impediments are on the inside. This is my project; this is the urban homesteading I practice.
Enjoy the evening, all.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
A diamond you turn into dust
Uneasy calm tonight. I had a big crop of anxiety today; I woke up feeling off, really not wanting to jog. I went out jogging, and it was fine. I actually did fairly well, running faster than I ever have in my Vibrams. And yet, I stupidly did not bring my keys with me and was locked out of my apartment for about 20 minutes, since my roommates left while I was out. I didn't know for sure it was only going to be 20 minutes, so I decided I would walk for 15 minutes, check the door, then walk some more, check the door, and if no one was back the second time, I would just run to work, without my keys or phone or wallet. I make it sound a little dramatic to be wandering around without those accoutrements, but of course I would survive.
Fortunately Jesus had just been dropping Mary off at work, so I got back in pretty soon. I rushed things, but, even so, I was late for work by about 15 minutes, balancing out the extra 15 minutes or so I spent over there last night. So it worked out.
Work was nothing too remarkable, with the exception of a particularly long and tense staff meeting. But even that is not too much out of the ordinary.
Before leaving, I clipped most of the leaves of the sage plant I put on the patio and stored them in my little refrigerator. Rather than use them as a spice, I plan on making a mini smudge-stick, or at least somehow using the leaves in an aromatic way.
At Zen tonight I was the timekeeper, using the wooden clappers and bells in Mountain Cloud Zendo's particular pattern. They have it set up so the time keeper meditates with a silent timer in front of him. When the 25 minutes are up, a light flashes up at you. It's pretty clever; I think I'd like to get one of them at some point. It's nicer than the beeps of my electronic kitchen timer.
Back at home, I was too hungry to prepare a real meal, I told myself. So I broke my diet, which I am not keeping too strictly anyway these days. I do, in fact, feel kind of bloated and gross right now, so at least my alternative is not good for me, if this modified 4 Hour Body diet I'm not isn't the best thing ever. If I really want to diet, I need to take my knowledge up a level or two. I don't like following things blind. The results have been noticeable, if not stellar, so there is some kernal of truth there. But I want to really know what I'm doing. When I have time.
So that is the life of this farmer tonight. Tomorrow I will have more time to do things, think about things, feel things, but I am going to spend it planning my trip to Peru. I'll have Friday night and most of Saturday to myself. I'd really like to spend that time working for myself in a good way, and also allowing myself to thoroughly relax. We'll see what I come up with.
Good night, all.
Fortunately Jesus had just been dropping Mary off at work, so I got back in pretty soon. I rushed things, but, even so, I was late for work by about 15 minutes, balancing out the extra 15 minutes or so I spent over there last night. So it worked out.
Work was nothing too remarkable, with the exception of a particularly long and tense staff meeting. But even that is not too much out of the ordinary.
Before leaving, I clipped most of the leaves of the sage plant I put on the patio and stored them in my little refrigerator. Rather than use them as a spice, I plan on making a mini smudge-stick, or at least somehow using the leaves in an aromatic way.
At Zen tonight I was the timekeeper, using the wooden clappers and bells in Mountain Cloud Zendo's particular pattern. They have it set up so the time keeper meditates with a silent timer in front of him. When the 25 minutes are up, a light flashes up at you. It's pretty clever; I think I'd like to get one of them at some point. It's nicer than the beeps of my electronic kitchen timer.
Back at home, I was too hungry to prepare a real meal, I told myself. So I broke my diet, which I am not keeping too strictly anyway these days. I do, in fact, feel kind of bloated and gross right now, so at least my alternative is not good for me, if this modified 4 Hour Body diet I'm not isn't the best thing ever. If I really want to diet, I need to take my knowledge up a level or two. I don't like following things blind. The results have been noticeable, if not stellar, so there is some kernal of truth there. But I want to really know what I'm doing. When I have time.
So that is the life of this farmer tonight. Tomorrow I will have more time to do things, think about things, feel things, but I am going to spend it planning my trip to Peru. I'll have Friday night and most of Saturday to myself. I'd really like to spend that time working for myself in a good way, and also allowing myself to thoroughly relax. We'll see what I come up with.
Good night, all.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Once again, a day too short
I just can't seem to squeeze out that extra hour or so of vegetating that means the difference between a full day and feeling like it was wasted. I think the impractical thing here is not what I do but what I expect myself to do. If I am not spending my time the way I want to, I need to really think about what is important for me to do - not just base my sense of accomplishment on an agenda I barely thought out yesterday.
I want to set down a good session with Sam this morning. Really good. Themes: feeling turned off by others' toxic thoughts; feeling that others' negativity defines me, that I am somehow negative; going back to a sense that when people are using me to validate their thoughts, I feel left out, I feel I am not getting what I need from them; often just wanting them to shut up about their problems and simply share their feelings with me; how this goes back - way, way back in my past; back to this triple feeling - combination of fear and sadness running through my life, capped off by a habit of believing that I am not valid without the seal and approval and acceptance of others. This is raw stuff, deep down there. I feel vulnerable sharing this - but it is true, and I want to share my truth.
There was more to it - I got a very good glimpse into exactly what the unconscious mind might be - but it's hard to write about, and I don't have time to set everything down.
That will do for now.
There was a camera snafu today, so no photos. I'll try to figure it out - whenever I have time again.
Good night, all.
I want to set down a good session with Sam this morning. Really good. Themes: feeling turned off by others' toxic thoughts; feeling that others' negativity defines me, that I am somehow negative; going back to a sense that when people are using me to validate their thoughts, I feel left out, I feel I am not getting what I need from them; often just wanting them to shut up about their problems and simply share their feelings with me; how this goes back - way, way back in my past; back to this triple feeling - combination of fear and sadness running through my life, capped off by a habit of believing that I am not valid without the seal and approval and acceptance of others. This is raw stuff, deep down there. I feel vulnerable sharing this - but it is true, and I want to share my truth.
There was more to it - I got a very good glimpse into exactly what the unconscious mind might be - but it's hard to write about, and I don't have time to set everything down.
That will do for now.
There was a camera snafu today, so no photos. I'll try to figure it out - whenever I have time again.
Good night, all.
Monday, March 21, 2011
New Photos; Plans Solidifying
I'm going to begin with my first photo. Here it is.
It's a photo of my desk. I somehow felt that this would be a good place to start. First of all, this is where I blog. Second, it's the main homesteading project I'm currently working on. Because objects come and go, it's going to get clean and messy and clean and messy in a constantly alternating pattern. But big changes will occur.
The biggest is that eventually - or pretty soon, if I get my act together - I am going to sell that Dell laptop on the right. Then I can begin to rearrange things a little better. I am even thinking that a complete relocation of the desk might be in order - but that can come later.
[I got out of the chair for a minute to look at my room and think about how I might rearrange it. Hmm...]
I think that it would be good to move my desk away from the doors that access the patio. The outside of the patio is not exactly set up for access from my room; but I think that even this slight change will bring my room closer to nature. I would put the desk where my couch is right now. Or wait, no. I would put my desk where my nightstand is. And stack the bookshelves in order to save room. I would then move my nightstand cabinet where the desk is now, and stack it vertically to save room. I will put my lamp on my desk and use the area as a nightstand. It makes more sense that way.
This might require getting rid of more books, but I can handle that.
In other news, I am narrowing down my plans for Peru. I need to spend an hour tomorrow thinking about exactly how much money I want to spend and then making a final decision. Travel to Peru is more expensive than I had imagine; most of the airfare, it seems, is fuel surcharges. If this trend continues, however, Peru might become even more expensive in the future. I'd like to make it down there while I can, to see Inti Raymi on June 24 and hit all the sites. Actually, I don't know too much about Inti Raymi. It seems that this chunk of time might work for me anyway, but I'd like to look into it a little more. Perhaps things will be cheaper if I wait until August or September?
There is much to write about, think about, understand at this point. I keep moving.
Like a good farmer, I'm going to go to bed on time. And, I swear, I am going to get up with the alarm tomorrow and have enough time for breakfast before going to an appointment with Sam.
Good night, all.
It's a photo of my desk. I somehow felt that this would be a good place to start. First of all, this is where I blog. Second, it's the main homesteading project I'm currently working on. Because objects come and go, it's going to get clean and messy and clean and messy in a constantly alternating pattern. But big changes will occur.
The biggest is that eventually - or pretty soon, if I get my act together - I am going to sell that Dell laptop on the right. Then I can begin to rearrange things a little better. I am even thinking that a complete relocation of the desk might be in order - but that can come later.
[I got out of the chair for a minute to look at my room and think about how I might rearrange it. Hmm...]
I think that it would be good to move my desk away from the doors that access the patio. The outside of the patio is not exactly set up for access from my room; but I think that even this slight change will bring my room closer to nature. I would put the desk where my couch is right now. Or wait, no. I would put my desk where my nightstand is. And stack the bookshelves in order to save room. I would then move my nightstand cabinet where the desk is now, and stack it vertically to save room. I will put my lamp on my desk and use the area as a nightstand. It makes more sense that way.
This might require getting rid of more books, but I can handle that.
In other news, I am narrowing down my plans for Peru. I need to spend an hour tomorrow thinking about exactly how much money I want to spend and then making a final decision. Travel to Peru is more expensive than I had imagine; most of the airfare, it seems, is fuel surcharges. If this trend continues, however, Peru might become even more expensive in the future. I'd like to make it down there while I can, to see Inti Raymi on June 24 and hit all the sites. Actually, I don't know too much about Inti Raymi. It seems that this chunk of time might work for me anyway, but I'd like to look into it a little more. Perhaps things will be cheaper if I wait until August or September?
There is much to write about, think about, understand at this point. I keep moving.
Like a good farmer, I'm going to go to bed on time. And, I swear, I am going to get up with the alarm tomorrow and have enough time for breakfast before going to an appointment with Sam.
Good night, all.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Back on the bed
That is, as opposed to being on my desk.
Before I can be a homesteader of any kind, before I can get these materials in order, I need to know who I am, know what is in my heart. This is the most important task that I or anyone else could do right now. And it is so, so excruciatingly difficult. If you feel you know what is in your heart, I ask you to check again.
This is the duty of everyone right now. I'm feeling a little global right now, having read about Japan and the conflict in India. Who are we and what do we have in this life and how do we feel about it - investigating this is the most important thing anyone could do to help the general state of suffering in the world. Saying we need to act more compassionately I think is even a little too abstract, a little too far ahead. We don't know what compassion is, and we don't know who is being compassionate or who we are being compassionate to. Saying we need to act in a certain way is not getting to the root of the issue.
Some people have an instinct to act; and I say, if you can truly act without thinking, then go ahead. You're probably not reading this. But if you are caught in that place of thought, of ethical decision, of doubt, you cannot put the toothpaste back in the tube. You cannot simply judge that egoless action is a good thing and then right away do it. You have to see for yourself what action really is, once you've gone down that path of thought.
It's gotten to a point where perhaps I don't even believe that I have ever seen egoless action. Compassion that arises like a hand reaching in the night to adjust a pillow, to use a zen phrase.
I need to sign off now. But I want to leave a message to a lot of people who are concerned about the world right now. To all the activists, the people who dream of better times; who want things to just work better; who want the world to be more humane; to all the idealists and creative thinkers; the new-age folks; the new economists; permaculturists and guerilla gardeners; to my favorites, the modern/eco/green/urban homesteaders; all the channelers and religious samplers; mayan calendar readers; angel listeners; tarot flippers: Keep looking for the truth. We cannot afford to think that we know anything. We need to touch real, deep knowledge, and we need to do so now. We need to speak with our hearts, not wax words about modern economies and reincarnation. We need to dig deeper and deeper and never stop. We need to equally rush forward to find a new idea, a new horizon and also to mercilessly cut everything down. Build and rebuild and build again until something subtly takes form not in the bricks you lay and then smash down, but in the dust under your feet.
We need to touch the earth before we can save it.
Good night, all.
Before I can be a homesteader of any kind, before I can get these materials in order, I need to know who I am, know what is in my heart. This is the most important task that I or anyone else could do right now. And it is so, so excruciatingly difficult. If you feel you know what is in your heart, I ask you to check again.
This is the duty of everyone right now. I'm feeling a little global right now, having read about Japan and the conflict in India. Who are we and what do we have in this life and how do we feel about it - investigating this is the most important thing anyone could do to help the general state of suffering in the world. Saying we need to act more compassionately I think is even a little too abstract, a little too far ahead. We don't know what compassion is, and we don't know who is being compassionate or who we are being compassionate to. Saying we need to act in a certain way is not getting to the root of the issue.
Some people have an instinct to act; and I say, if you can truly act without thinking, then go ahead. You're probably not reading this. But if you are caught in that place of thought, of ethical decision, of doubt, you cannot put the toothpaste back in the tube. You cannot simply judge that egoless action is a good thing and then right away do it. You have to see for yourself what action really is, once you've gone down that path of thought.
It's gotten to a point where perhaps I don't even believe that I have ever seen egoless action. Compassion that arises like a hand reaching in the night to adjust a pillow, to use a zen phrase.
I need to sign off now. But I want to leave a message to a lot of people who are concerned about the world right now. To all the activists, the people who dream of better times; who want things to just work better; who want the world to be more humane; to all the idealists and creative thinkers; the new-age folks; the new economists; permaculturists and guerilla gardeners; to my favorites, the modern/eco/green/urban homesteaders; all the channelers and religious samplers; mayan calendar readers; angel listeners; tarot flippers: Keep looking for the truth. We cannot afford to think that we know anything. We need to touch real, deep knowledge, and we need to do so now. We need to speak with our hearts, not wax words about modern economies and reincarnation. We need to dig deeper and deeper and never stop. We need to equally rush forward to find a new idea, a new horizon and also to mercilessly cut everything down. Build and rebuild and build again until something subtly takes form not in the bricks you lay and then smash down, but in the dust under your feet.
We need to touch the earth before we can save it.
Good night, all.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Sake
I have only a minute, but I'm posting for the sake of posting.
I am leaving for Los Lunas, for a Temazcal ceremony involving the spring equinox. I don't know the extent of the involvement. Afterward, I will be joining a party in Albuquerque, hosted by one of Penelope's friends, which should be pretty fun. This friend is very proud of her tastes, so the quality of the refreshments should be pretty high. I will also be meeting Penelope's son, albeit briefly.
The plan is that I will crash on a couch at the friend's house. By 7:45 tomorrow morning, I will be on my way back to Santa Fe for a 4-hour zazenkai at Mountain Cloud. Should be an interesting juxtaposition; a little crazy, but it will work, I believe.
I guess all of this kind of activity fits in with my current theme of homesteading the way that church fit in with the medieval farmer, the way ceremony fits in with shamanic cultures. A Shabbat. Except my religion is not based on belief, but on practice. Ceremony exists for the sake of ceremony, not to placate or subscribe or validate.
Have a good one, all.
I am leaving for Los Lunas, for a Temazcal ceremony involving the spring equinox. I don't know the extent of the involvement. Afterward, I will be joining a party in Albuquerque, hosted by one of Penelope's friends, which should be pretty fun. This friend is very proud of her tastes, so the quality of the refreshments should be pretty high. I will also be meeting Penelope's son, albeit briefly.
The plan is that I will crash on a couch at the friend's house. By 7:45 tomorrow morning, I will be on my way back to Santa Fe for a 4-hour zazenkai at Mountain Cloud. Should be an interesting juxtaposition; a little crazy, but it will work, I believe.
I guess all of this kind of activity fits in with my current theme of homesteading the way that church fit in with the medieval farmer, the way ceremony fits in with shamanic cultures. A Shabbat. Except my religion is not based on belief, but on practice. Ceremony exists for the sake of ceremony, not to placate or subscribe or validate.
Have a good one, all.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Crunched again
How I feel right now: Tired (yawned while writing that.) Pressed for time, and a little frustrated. A hollow feeling. Out of control. Circle one: mad sad glad (afraid). Underlying anxiety, not terror. Ungrounded. Ungrounded. Wanting to go back to center. A little strung out on small tasks.
Yet again, time is of the essence.
I had a pretty good day at work. Slow computer organization before; even got a minimal weight training routine in. I spent the evening doing laundry (crap! I still have to take it out of the dryer before I go to bed. I've got to zip through this tonight), doing some minimal shopping at Trader Joe's (which I ran to and from in my new Vibrams), preparing even more for selling the Dell, and then noticing at the last minute that my copy of Ptolemy's Almagest has been purchased on Amazon marketplace, so I've got to get that done tomorrow afternoon. I need to remember that the more thought I put into it, the more time I put into it, and the less valuable my compensation is. I've got to print out the papers, put it in the bag and get it to the post office. That's that.
My memory adaptor has shipped and should arrive soon. So, photos.
I want to focus a little more on my plants. I need to come up with a better solution for the pregnant onions. They need more sunlight, though Maria has adopted them for the small dorm. I will see about making sure the blinds and maybe the door are open for a good part of the day. Or, they could just go outside, and we could find other plants for inside the dorm.
Also, I'm not finding any deals on Peru. I'm finding all kinds of deals on Cancun, though. Which gives me the idea for a Yucatan, Guatemala, Belize trip, instead of Peru. We'll see. The price has got to drop considerably before I'm going to buy a ticket. Definitely under $1000. But maybe it's important enough to spend that much? I don't know. And I've got to act soon.
I think I'm going to stop there. I hear the garage door way down below, and I think Mary and Jesus have arrived. It's always distressing going to bed after they do, considering how much earlier I wake up. It's the opposite of feeling restful.
Yes, I'm feeling a bit of anxiety. A wildflower taking over my garden. How can I adapt to it?
Good night, all.
Yet again, time is of the essence.
I had a pretty good day at work. Slow computer organization before; even got a minimal weight training routine in. I spent the evening doing laundry (crap! I still have to take it out of the dryer before I go to bed. I've got to zip through this tonight), doing some minimal shopping at Trader Joe's (which I ran to and from in my new Vibrams), preparing even more for selling the Dell, and then noticing at the last minute that my copy of Ptolemy's Almagest has been purchased on Amazon marketplace, so I've got to get that done tomorrow afternoon. I need to remember that the more thought I put into it, the more time I put into it, and the less valuable my compensation is. I've got to print out the papers, put it in the bag and get it to the post office. That's that.
My memory adaptor has shipped and should arrive soon. So, photos.
I want to focus a little more on my plants. I need to come up with a better solution for the pregnant onions. They need more sunlight, though Maria has adopted them for the small dorm. I will see about making sure the blinds and maybe the door are open for a good part of the day. Or, they could just go outside, and we could find other plants for inside the dorm.
Also, I'm not finding any deals on Peru. I'm finding all kinds of deals on Cancun, though. Which gives me the idea for a Yucatan, Guatemala, Belize trip, instead of Peru. We'll see. The price has got to drop considerably before I'm going to buy a ticket. Definitely under $1000. But maybe it's important enough to spend that much? I don't know. And I've got to act soon.
I think I'm going to stop there. I hear the garage door way down below, and I think Mary and Jesus have arrived. It's always distressing going to bed after they do, considering how much earlier I wake up. It's the opposite of feeling restful.
Yes, I'm feeling a bit of anxiety. A wildflower taking over my garden. How can I adapt to it?
Good night, all.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Circuitfields
How I'm feeling right now: Still that congestion. Way too full; a little bloated. Phlegm in throat. Mild anxiety over completion of tasks; mild anxiety about being alive. A restfulness. Dissatisfaction at the radio station I'm listening to. Tightness in my hip flexors. Tired. Mild satisfaction over work done.
I don't sound too inspired tonight, and I'm not. But I did some good things for myself this evening, including practicing accordion and further cleaning the files on my Dell. I had about 30 minutes to work tonight, and I spent most of it reorganizing my photos. Not only was I able to clear up many, many duplicates, thus saving memory and removing clutter, I was able to arrange them in chronological order. It would be very easy now to tell the story of my life over the past 7 years or so by following the photos. I imagine I'm going to do this very soon with Penelope; these days, we've been spending a lot of time talking about the details of our lives. There is a big gap - I seem to have no photos of 2007 and very few in 2008. I know where to find some more, but I'm not going out of my way to fill up the albums.
I am making progress on this task I've needed to be done with for almost 3 months now. Like many things in my life right now, it seems a little anal, but this obsessive focus is what it takes to get this stuff done and off my desk for good. The next steps are:
-Further organize photos, using consistent names
-Further organize documents, using consistent folders for each era (the eras are named after the computer the file was formed on)
-Move them over to the Mac
-Resettle the Mac files to how I like them
-Get the specifications of the Dell (because I think I'm actually going to try selling it)
-Purge the Dell, shut it, close it, store it, sell it
Job done
I'm realizing that, now that I'm becoming such an expert on coming up with thorough and effective To Do lists, I need to start improving my ability to prioritize. That is, which project deserves the most attention. I only have so much time (30 minutes today, apparently), and I need to choose carefully. While I'm using my blog to talk about somewhat more temporary activities in this blog, most of my day is taken up with zazen, physical activities and work, which are my priorities right now. But of course there is a huge list of other important things. For example: planning my trip to Peru, career counseling stuff, music, working on my car, rethinking my finances/bank account, writing, yoga practice, reading, hiking, camping, learning languages, gardening/house plants, cleaning the house, working on my bathroom, working on my clothes. This is actually quite a chunk of it, but it's not all. Life is busy.
My hope has been that, the more old things I clear out, the more energy, space and time I'll have for newer and/or deeper activities. I think it's clear that this business of prioritizing plays into it, so I need to pay closer attention.
And, yes, I have a heart, too - I'm not just a schedule. Never, ever hurts to take the time to remember that.
Good night, all.
I don't sound too inspired tonight, and I'm not. But I did some good things for myself this evening, including practicing accordion and further cleaning the files on my Dell. I had about 30 minutes to work tonight, and I spent most of it reorganizing my photos. Not only was I able to clear up many, many duplicates, thus saving memory and removing clutter, I was able to arrange them in chronological order. It would be very easy now to tell the story of my life over the past 7 years or so by following the photos. I imagine I'm going to do this very soon with Penelope; these days, we've been spending a lot of time talking about the details of our lives. There is a big gap - I seem to have no photos of 2007 and very few in 2008. I know where to find some more, but I'm not going out of my way to fill up the albums.
I am making progress on this task I've needed to be done with for almost 3 months now. Like many things in my life right now, it seems a little anal, but this obsessive focus is what it takes to get this stuff done and off my desk for good. The next steps are:
-Further organize photos, using consistent names
-Further organize documents, using consistent folders for each era (the eras are named after the computer the file was formed on)
-Move them over to the Mac
-Resettle the Mac files to how I like them
-Get the specifications of the Dell (because I think I'm actually going to try selling it)
-Purge the Dell, shut it, close it, store it, sell it
Job done
I'm realizing that, now that I'm becoming such an expert on coming up with thorough and effective To Do lists, I need to start improving my ability to prioritize. That is, which project deserves the most attention. I only have so much time (30 minutes today, apparently), and I need to choose carefully. While I'm using my blog to talk about somewhat more temporary activities in this blog, most of my day is taken up with zazen, physical activities and work, which are my priorities right now. But of course there is a huge list of other important things. For example: planning my trip to Peru, career counseling stuff, music, working on my car, rethinking my finances/bank account, writing, yoga practice, reading, hiking, camping, learning languages, gardening/house plants, cleaning the house, working on my bathroom, working on my clothes. This is actually quite a chunk of it, but it's not all. Life is busy.
My hope has been that, the more old things I clear out, the more energy, space and time I'll have for newer and/or deeper activities. I think it's clear that this business of prioritizing plays into it, so I need to pay closer attention.
And, yes, I have a heart, too - I'm not just a schedule. Never, ever hurts to take the time to remember that.
Good night, all.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Feeding the Heartbeast
My first day of Inner Homesteading was experienced through tremendous tiredness. I think this means that my only owned livestock, my body, must be cared for better. I'll look into how to tend to this beast better in the coming days.
Clearly I could take more time just to pay attention to myself; do some yoga; make an effort to relax. But I have run out of time for that. The best I can do is simply get to bed at a reasonable time.
I was not able to get my 8-year-old camera to interface with my MacBook; they don't speak the same language. I found a driver, but it was for OS 8.6, and I could not find any tool that would run 8.6 software in X. And that is assuming that the installation would actually work. No deal.
So I went ahead and paid $1.40 on a USB adaptor for my camera's memory card. Big freakin' investment. It should be arriving pretty soon. At that point, this blog will have photos.
Instead of tending to my body tonight, I've been continuing with project #1 in this urban homestead: clean out my old laptop so I can put it away and have more desk space.
I spent my morning, the pinnacle of my daily energy, reading and playing the accordion. Not exactly agrarian tasks, but they are important in self-cultivation, so I'm happy. I decided to set up my music stand permanently, decked with music, reminding me of the reedy activity I can engage in every time I want, instead of letting it gather dust under my couch. It's sitting next to my desk right now, gazing at me lovingly as I type.
The book I finished was The Lady and the Monk by Pico Iyer, a travelog of one year spent in Japan. Really a beautiful book. Pico kind of annoyed me from time to time, showing me how intellectual his filter is, but, as he says about another person he travelled with, of course I see myself in him.
So I'm going to continue with my first project of clearing out the Dell. I want a nicer desk space to be working with here. There's not a whole lot to change once the Dell is gone; my To-Do pile is simply going to have a more prominent place. But I can see if I can't make a few changes here and there; make the working space a little more alive. A plant, maybe? That's agrarian.
Also, I'm not decided about whether I want to keep the Dell around. My worker's instinct says: no. Get it out. Remove old junk. Do not hold onto things. What would I use it for, anyway? Fears that it would limit my ability to study programming (which I haven't picked up in over a year now - also, there are plenty of decent development environments for mac) and play some games (which I can get around by upping my wine skills). I think it's got to go. Once I've rescued all the files I want to rescue, I'm going to purge the hard drive and donate it to the Shelter. It's pretty shitty (completely unsellable due to the physical damage), but it is a laptop with a wireless card and could be useful to somebody without one.
So that's my project right now. Computer stuff. I feel a little concern about the amount of time I've been spending on these somewhat intellectual (but yet still practical) tasks as opposed to physical, feeling ones. But they will come. Body and heart are not going anywhere soon.
Maybe my sign-out tag will be "How I'm feeling right now:"?
How I'm feeling right now: congestion in the nose. A little excitement in the belly. Possibility of feeling at home and comfortable. Looking forward to sleep. Suspicious of myself; wondering what else I might do - anxiety about possibilities. A tense balance between ready curiosity about the future and ingrained pessimism. Security in my sense of rootedness in who I am. Pleasure in writing.
Maybe this would be better at the beginning?
I'll need to think of another tag.
I'm running in the morning; not sure how much time I'll have to blog. But I will. Good night, all.
Clearly I could take more time just to pay attention to myself; do some yoga; make an effort to relax. But I have run out of time for that. The best I can do is simply get to bed at a reasonable time.
I was not able to get my 8-year-old camera to interface with my MacBook; they don't speak the same language. I found a driver, but it was for OS 8.6, and I could not find any tool that would run 8.6 software in X. And that is assuming that the installation would actually work. No deal.
So I went ahead and paid $1.40 on a USB adaptor for my camera's memory card. Big freakin' investment. It should be arriving pretty soon. At that point, this blog will have photos.
Instead of tending to my body tonight, I've been continuing with project #1 in this urban homestead: clean out my old laptop so I can put it away and have more desk space.
I spent my morning, the pinnacle of my daily energy, reading and playing the accordion. Not exactly agrarian tasks, but they are important in self-cultivation, so I'm happy. I decided to set up my music stand permanently, decked with music, reminding me of the reedy activity I can engage in every time I want, instead of letting it gather dust under my couch. It's sitting next to my desk right now, gazing at me lovingly as I type.
The book I finished was The Lady and the Monk by Pico Iyer, a travelog of one year spent in Japan. Really a beautiful book. Pico kind of annoyed me from time to time, showing me how intellectual his filter is, but, as he says about another person he travelled with, of course I see myself in him.
So I'm going to continue with my first project of clearing out the Dell. I want a nicer desk space to be working with here. There's not a whole lot to change once the Dell is gone; my To-Do pile is simply going to have a more prominent place. But I can see if I can't make a few changes here and there; make the working space a little more alive. A plant, maybe? That's agrarian.
Also, I'm not decided about whether I want to keep the Dell around. My worker's instinct says: no. Get it out. Remove old junk. Do not hold onto things. What would I use it for, anyway? Fears that it would limit my ability to study programming (which I haven't picked up in over a year now - also, there are plenty of decent development environments for mac) and play some games (which I can get around by upping my wine skills). I think it's got to go. Once I've rescued all the files I want to rescue, I'm going to purge the hard drive and donate it to the Shelter. It's pretty shitty (completely unsellable due to the physical damage), but it is a laptop with a wireless card and could be useful to somebody without one.
So that's my project right now. Computer stuff. I feel a little concern about the amount of time I've been spending on these somewhat intellectual (but yet still practical) tasks as opposed to physical, feeling ones. But they will come. Body and heart are not going anywhere soon.
Maybe my sign-out tag will be "How I'm feeling right now:"?
How I'm feeling right now: congestion in the nose. A little excitement in the belly. Possibility of feeling at home and comfortable. Looking forward to sleep. Suspicious of myself; wondering what else I might do - anxiety about possibilities. A tense balance between ready curiosity about the future and ingrained pessimism. Security in my sense of rootedness in who I am. Pleasure in writing.
Maybe this would be better at the beginning?
I'll need to think of another tag.
I'm running in the morning; not sure how much time I'll have to blog. But I will. Good night, all.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Heartfarm
Rather than go into detail as to why I felt this past weekend was so lost, I want to make a point about the type of blogs I like to read. They're about homesteading. My favorite blog is this one. I have just started following this other one, at the advice of Holy Scrap. I have barely been reading the Field Lab, but already I enjoy its consistency, clarity and simplicity. The subject matter of both inspires me in my life, but the Field Lab has given me a lot of ideas about what blogging is all about.
It's not that Holy Scrap Hot Springs is bad in anyway; in fact, I enjoy reading it tremendously, and it is still my favorite blog. But it is a little haphazard, and I realize now that it, and all blogs, could benefit from focus. That is, blogging works best when it is concise and focussed. There is something as simple as Tumblr, for example, but I think Tumblr is often too concise to be really personal; it's mainly a link-sharing device with a little personal things thrown in here and there.
I want this blog to be part of the magic of my day. That is how it started; I would write an entry and then write a haiku. I couldn't keep it up, but I like that.
So what I'm thinking now is that I'd like to turn Plum Beads into a document of the homestead that is my own life. I don't own a piece of property out in the desert, but that does not mean I can't homestead like the heroes I follow.
I have a room in a condo in downtown Santa Fe. I work in an office in a homeless shelter. I have a body and feelings and a family and friends and a girlfriend. I have a car and a bank account and two computers and an accordion and a violin and a few things in a storage locker in the basement of my building. This is my homestead. If I want to expand it, I can, but wouldn't it be best to be a good housekeeper right here, right where I am? Start in the only place I can: where I am.
As part of this, I'd also like to take photos. It will take me at least fifteen minutes to get that set up, which I did not have this morning. I need to see how my tired old camera interacts with this computer; I haven't had them interface quite yet. We'll see. It will come.
A big difference between starting where you are and setting out to colonize a new space is that I have to directly face all the problems and short comings that exist now. I need to figure out what I need to accept and what I can and will change.
To truly start where I am; to homestead from the inside out; this also means I will be farming my heart; figuring out how to live with myself and my feelings. I wonder, will looking at myself like a farmer be a kind of unfeeling conquest; an imposition of an agenda where I ought to be spontaneous? Or is that view too reactionary, too abstract, too worried? Could it be possible that there is no difference between helping sprouts grow and helping myself observe my feelings?
It could be. I can only try, see what comes up.
The more I plan, the more structure I apply at this point, the better. So, I will be adding at least one photo to every post, once I have that set up.
I'm also going to change the name of the blog. Plum Beads is a noun and sounds a little awkward. I'm going to change it to Plumbeading. It's a gerund, which is essentially a verb - denoting ACTION!. I'm also going to drop the Star Control II Reference, as my focus has shifted. Rebranding ftw!
I would also like to adopt a little, simple, observational tag, like what is at the bottom of every post of the Field Lab. At the end of every post, he writes the temperature at 8:30pm; the days' high; the day's low; the amount of rainfall; and the current wind conditions. I want to come up with something like that. But make it inner weather; emotional weather. Is it all that different from Livejournal's "Current Mood?" I hope I can at least make it look that way. I'll come up with something.
That's all for now. Have a great day, all.
It's not that Holy Scrap Hot Springs is bad in anyway; in fact, I enjoy reading it tremendously, and it is still my favorite blog. But it is a little haphazard, and I realize now that it, and all blogs, could benefit from focus. That is, blogging works best when it is concise and focussed. There is something as simple as Tumblr, for example, but I think Tumblr is often too concise to be really personal; it's mainly a link-sharing device with a little personal things thrown in here and there.
I want this blog to be part of the magic of my day. That is how it started; I would write an entry and then write a haiku. I couldn't keep it up, but I like that.
So what I'm thinking now is that I'd like to turn Plum Beads into a document of the homestead that is my own life. I don't own a piece of property out in the desert, but that does not mean I can't homestead like the heroes I follow.
I have a room in a condo in downtown Santa Fe. I work in an office in a homeless shelter. I have a body and feelings and a family and friends and a girlfriend. I have a car and a bank account and two computers and an accordion and a violin and a few things in a storage locker in the basement of my building. This is my homestead. If I want to expand it, I can, but wouldn't it be best to be a good housekeeper right here, right where I am? Start in the only place I can: where I am.
As part of this, I'd also like to take photos. It will take me at least fifteen minutes to get that set up, which I did not have this morning. I need to see how my tired old camera interacts with this computer; I haven't had them interface quite yet. We'll see. It will come.
A big difference between starting where you are and setting out to colonize a new space is that I have to directly face all the problems and short comings that exist now. I need to figure out what I need to accept and what I can and will change.
To truly start where I am; to homestead from the inside out; this also means I will be farming my heart; figuring out how to live with myself and my feelings. I wonder, will looking at myself like a farmer be a kind of unfeeling conquest; an imposition of an agenda where I ought to be spontaneous? Or is that view too reactionary, too abstract, too worried? Could it be possible that there is no difference between helping sprouts grow and helping myself observe my feelings?
It could be. I can only try, see what comes up.
The more I plan, the more structure I apply at this point, the better. So, I will be adding at least one photo to every post, once I have that set up.
I'm also going to change the name of the blog. Plum Beads is a noun and sounds a little awkward. I'm going to change it to Plumbeading. It's a gerund, which is essentially a verb - denoting ACTION!. I'm also going to drop the Star Control II Reference, as my focus has shifted. Rebranding ftw!
I would also like to adopt a little, simple, observational tag, like what is at the bottom of every post of the Field Lab. At the end of every post, he writes the temperature at 8:30pm; the days' high; the day's low; the amount of rainfall; and the current wind conditions. I want to come up with something like that. But make it inner weather; emotional weather. Is it all that different from Livejournal's "Current Mood?" I hope I can at least make it look that way. I'll come up with something.
That's all for now. Have a great day, all.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
What makes a feeling stupid?
What I am feeling right now: stupid giddiness over figuring something out, coupled with extreme curiosity, mixed with a little shame, wondering if I was maybe too slow? This one's just going to have to be vague. I am feeling really ashamed at how interesting this is to me and how little I can think about anything else at the moment; although it makes a lot of sense why it would be this way.
Crap! I feel like the fact that this is a blog really limits what I can disclose. What I am feeling, ultimately, is a need to talk to somebody. There are other things that went on, too, that I would want to talk about, if I felt comfortable anymore talking about other people so freely on here. But I don't think I can. I guess the earlier era of this blog is now past; it has become something else. I have learned a lot about gossip and confidentiality - I hope the world of the internet might gain from the development I've gone through.
My only hope is that this carefulness about other people's lives is not a cop out; that is, is not another form of my need to hide the emotional content of my life.
Currently I am taught that feelings are something very physical and very personal. If I am talking about other people, to an extent I am making abstractions and avoiding the true, gut feelings, no matter how raw and honest my words are. Gut feelings are in the gut.
And my gut was just fluttering earlier from excitement. My gut was fluttering. My gut is alive and feeling, and so am I.
Good night, all.
Crap! I feel like the fact that this is a blog really limits what I can disclose. What I am feeling, ultimately, is a need to talk to somebody. There are other things that went on, too, that I would want to talk about, if I felt comfortable anymore talking about other people so freely on here. But I don't think I can. I guess the earlier era of this blog is now past; it has become something else. I have learned a lot about gossip and confidentiality - I hope the world of the internet might gain from the development I've gone through.
My only hope is that this carefulness about other people's lives is not a cop out; that is, is not another form of my need to hide the emotional content of my life.
Currently I am taught that feelings are something very physical and very personal. If I am talking about other people, to an extent I am making abstractions and avoiding the true, gut feelings, no matter how raw and honest my words are. Gut feelings are in the gut.
And my gut was just fluttering earlier from excitement. My gut was fluttering. My gut is alive and feeling, and so am I.
Good night, all.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Crepuscule
It's the evening. I've decided it's best to blog in the morning. Therefore,
Good night, all.
Good night, all.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
The Restless Part of Everyone
Another day of 10 minutes. Better than 5, but worse than the prescribed 15. Also: better than nothing.
How I feel right now: pretty even, stable. A restless absence in my gut. I want my gut to be fiery, alchemical, stormy, brewing, active. I want to feel like a vessel of energy. I don't right now. I feel a little tightness in my neck, in my shoulders. I feel a tiny glow brewing in my gut now. There is something there. I just ate some peanut butter, and I feel a little bit of it sticking to the backs of my molars, lining my esophagus. I feel ready for the day. I feel tired, too. That goes with the tightness in my neck and shoulders. I am reminded to do yoga more often.
So that paragraph stands as my first attempt to write "How I feel right now:" every day in this blog, and go from there. I think it will go well. I am just writing what comes out. My goal is to be as focused and present as possible, not imagining or projecting or speculating or analyzing. I did a little of that. Best to just write it down, without focusing on it. It's a paragraph of verbal meditation. It will develop where it needs to develop.
I had a good session with Sam this morning. We talked a lot about my relationship with Penelope and how that's going. I expressed to him my need for brutal honesty, about how I felt my withholding of things ruined my past relationships, and how I'd like to go beyond that. He suggests that I am on the right track, but I do need to be careful. That is, I really need to make sure that my M.O. is not pressuring myself to do things I think I need to do. Share when I need to. Focus on the immediate feeling; the truest feeling. Also, think about how she feels, and really consider if I want to share something.
Basically I was saying that I needed to share all my doubts about the relationship in order to be really committed. That is, I have lots of doubts (will I be satisfied? Is this enough? Is this what I want?) and getting them out in the open is what will transform them into love and affection. I now realize that this is not the best course of action. As I was telling this to him, I could feel it was wrong. What was good about the session is that I had that feeling, that what I was saying was incorrect, was even embarrassing, and yet I continued to say it anyway; that is, to respect my own intention to speak and get it out there, without editing it.
It's time to go already, but I want to add that Sam was very helpful in guiding me through the ideas behind what I said. Dealing with doubt in relationships. His suggestion is to be aware and to work on it, but neither pour it all out at once, nor hold it back. Let it out in the open - by myself. It's my responsibility, not hers. There is a lot to work with at this point, and I am needlessly putting pressure on myself to have everything go perfectly. Just because I'm putting the pressure on myself doesn't mean it can't hurt things. So simple, so obvious: so easily forgotten and ignored.
Great day, all.
How I feel right now: pretty even, stable. A restless absence in my gut. I want my gut to be fiery, alchemical, stormy, brewing, active. I want to feel like a vessel of energy. I don't right now. I feel a little tightness in my neck, in my shoulders. I feel a tiny glow brewing in my gut now. There is something there. I just ate some peanut butter, and I feel a little bit of it sticking to the backs of my molars, lining my esophagus. I feel ready for the day. I feel tired, too. That goes with the tightness in my neck and shoulders. I am reminded to do yoga more often.
So that paragraph stands as my first attempt to write "How I feel right now:" every day in this blog, and go from there. I think it will go well. I am just writing what comes out. My goal is to be as focused and present as possible, not imagining or projecting or speculating or analyzing. I did a little of that. Best to just write it down, without focusing on it. It's a paragraph of verbal meditation. It will develop where it needs to develop.
I had a good session with Sam this morning. We talked a lot about my relationship with Penelope and how that's going. I expressed to him my need for brutal honesty, about how I felt my withholding of things ruined my past relationships, and how I'd like to go beyond that. He suggests that I am on the right track, but I do need to be careful. That is, I really need to make sure that my M.O. is not pressuring myself to do things I think I need to do. Share when I need to. Focus on the immediate feeling; the truest feeling. Also, think about how she feels, and really consider if I want to share something.
Basically I was saying that I needed to share all my doubts about the relationship in order to be really committed. That is, I have lots of doubts (will I be satisfied? Is this enough? Is this what I want?) and getting them out in the open is what will transform them into love and affection. I now realize that this is not the best course of action. As I was telling this to him, I could feel it was wrong. What was good about the session is that I had that feeling, that what I was saying was incorrect, was even embarrassing, and yet I continued to say it anyway; that is, to respect my own intention to speak and get it out there, without editing it.
It's time to go already, but I want to add that Sam was very helpful in guiding me through the ideas behind what I said. Dealing with doubt in relationships. His suggestion is to be aware and to work on it, but neither pour it all out at once, nor hold it back. Let it out in the open - by myself. It's my responsibility, not hers. There is a lot to work with at this point, and I am needlessly putting pressure on myself to have everything go perfectly. Just because I'm putting the pressure on myself doesn't mean it can't hurt things. So simple, so obvious: so easily forgotten and ignored.
Great day, all.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Outta Time
I think I'll do 10 minutes this morning, in an effort to save a little time. I had several tasks I wanted to do, and I underestimated how long it would take the first few (make breakfast, make lunch, clean kitchen, look over morning internet tasks and schedule), and now I don't have much time.
I've been focusing yet again on how to clean up my day. I spent a lot of time loafing yesterday - and not loafing well. And I got out of bed 50 minutes later than I wanted to.
I can go through all the life-hacky things that would make all of this slightly easier, but I think it's best to focus on the inner issues. I waste time because I avoid feelings. This is something everyone does and no one is a master of. I don't care how balanced you think you are - this is the problem of our existence in our day and age, this avoidance of feelings, whether it's yours or someone else's or both, we're not getting a good totality here.
But, back to myself, away from working on the rest of humanity. What can I do? I meditate. That is step one. I can get stronger and more committed at that.
I can really train myself to waste less time. And keep in mind: waste time does not mean being productive. It just means not avoiding feelings. I guess I should call it being present. I can train myself to be more present.
I have now forbidden myself to use the internet while eating. This seems to have a magnifying effect on any tendency I have to go into a little cocoon world. This would include watching tv.
I read Rumi while eating breakfast this morning, instead. Yes, it takes up more freaking time. To do everything right for myself takes so much of day; but I guess I can say it gives something back to me.
Doing this blogging in the morning helps me considerably. That is, doing the task of uncluttering time and space frees up more room to be present; makes the task much more comfortable.
Look at me: I'm focusing on accomplishing tasks and lifehacking again.
What are the underlying feelings?
I get to them in certain moments, like last night, when I went for a walk. Or in sessions with Sam. It always seems to be an underlying feeling of rejection, a sadness, a desperation, a loneliness. If I really dig deep, there is an undercurrent of these emotions. Hence the task of feeling at home with myself.
I haven't been visualizing anything; haven't spent time doing that. I guess I don't entirely have faith in the process. It would be worth my time to at least try. I notice that I feel a lot of discouragement in my ability to focus: ever since I've fully committed myself to meditation, it's been so clear to me how chaotic and unordered my mind actually is. I guess that comes with the practice naturally; everyone goes through that. But it's really sticking in my mind and influencing how I view myself. A good thing to bring up with Sam and Henry.
But yes, I believe it's true that what I call my ordered self isn't so ordered. Krishnamurti talks a lot about having an ordered mind, and it is not a logical, symmetrical clean mind. An ordered mind is a mind rooted in what is beyond the immediate self. It is the enterprise of ego that makes things chaotic, unordered, confusing. This is quite clear to me, or at least growing clearer and clearer in a very immediate way.
I guess this serves to make me more committed to the practice of Zen. Not a bad way to start the day.
It's time to go, but I must remember to pick up the thread of my immediate feelings. It's a challenge. I'm already thinking up good ways of doing it here on this blog. More to follow.
Wonderful day, all.
I've been focusing yet again on how to clean up my day. I spent a lot of time loafing yesterday - and not loafing well. And I got out of bed 50 minutes later than I wanted to.
I can go through all the life-hacky things that would make all of this slightly easier, but I think it's best to focus on the inner issues. I waste time because I avoid feelings. This is something everyone does and no one is a master of. I don't care how balanced you think you are - this is the problem of our existence in our day and age, this avoidance of feelings, whether it's yours or someone else's or both, we're not getting a good totality here.
But, back to myself, away from working on the rest of humanity. What can I do? I meditate. That is step one. I can get stronger and more committed at that.
I can really train myself to waste less time. And keep in mind: waste time does not mean being productive. It just means not avoiding feelings. I guess I should call it being present. I can train myself to be more present.
I have now forbidden myself to use the internet while eating. This seems to have a magnifying effect on any tendency I have to go into a little cocoon world. This would include watching tv.
I read Rumi while eating breakfast this morning, instead. Yes, it takes up more freaking time. To do everything right for myself takes so much of day; but I guess I can say it gives something back to me.
Doing this blogging in the morning helps me considerably. That is, doing the task of uncluttering time and space frees up more room to be present; makes the task much more comfortable.
Look at me: I'm focusing on accomplishing tasks and lifehacking again.
What are the underlying feelings?
I get to them in certain moments, like last night, when I went for a walk. Or in sessions with Sam. It always seems to be an underlying feeling of rejection, a sadness, a desperation, a loneliness. If I really dig deep, there is an undercurrent of these emotions. Hence the task of feeling at home with myself.
I haven't been visualizing anything; haven't spent time doing that. I guess I don't entirely have faith in the process. It would be worth my time to at least try. I notice that I feel a lot of discouragement in my ability to focus: ever since I've fully committed myself to meditation, it's been so clear to me how chaotic and unordered my mind actually is. I guess that comes with the practice naturally; everyone goes through that. But it's really sticking in my mind and influencing how I view myself. A good thing to bring up with Sam and Henry.
But yes, I believe it's true that what I call my ordered self isn't so ordered. Krishnamurti talks a lot about having an ordered mind, and it is not a logical, symmetrical clean mind. An ordered mind is a mind rooted in what is beyond the immediate self. It is the enterprise of ego that makes things chaotic, unordered, confusing. This is quite clear to me, or at least growing clearer and clearer in a very immediate way.
I guess this serves to make me more committed to the practice of Zen. Not a bad way to start the day.
It's time to go, but I must remember to pick up the thread of my immediate feelings. It's a challenge. I'm already thinking up good ways of doing it here on this blog. More to follow.
Wonderful day, all.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Taking Stock
I write this after 2 days with Penelope at her Placitas retreat. We spent Friday evening relaxing, being with each other, eating a nice meal, and somewhat lazily watching what turned out to be an almost thoroughly terrible movie, but not really caring. Yesterday was spent hiking to the San Antonio hot springs; we got there later than we should have, so our time in the bath was a little truncated, but it was lovely nonetheless. We decided to tell each other the entire story of our travels abroad during our 4 hours or so of hiking; she got through most of hers, and I got through part of mine. I hope to keep going like this, talking and telling each other our stories until there is nothing left to tell. It will take a long time. I found it so difficult just to get a simple sentence out. Part of it was my general fatigue from the hike, but a lot of it, of course, is my reluctance to talk. I felt like I was getting tired of hearing the sound of my own voice. Maybe part of that feeling is justified, since this was a kind of scheduled monologue rather than a spontaneous sharing, but ultimately I need to just relax and be comfortable hearing myself.
I want, right now, to feel much more comfortable in my own bones, comfortable being with myself. It's so hard, because when I turn the light inward, I feel like there is nothing to see. So I sit there, observing what I believe to be nothing, while something of myself sits there hidden, not being seen. Things could be better, definitely. I just need to find a path that fits me. When, say, Marina asks me to let out my anger, my direct problem, the problem I directly experience, is not having any anger to let out. Not some conscious judgment "this anger is bad; I must hold this anger back." Any thoughts along those lines are abstractions. The real experience is flustered confusion - the absence of any need to act in the way I'm being told to. Is that resistance? Probably. But it's useless to call it that unless I experience it that way.
This is one of those many things that brings me back to why zazen is so valuable. The act of sitting in a prescribed posture and observing something specific and unavoidable (my breath) is perfect practice in being able to draw my focus in on my experience in a way that cannot but make sense to me. I can't not experience sitting, and I can't not experience breathing. It's right there, physical, direct. As for all of the mental focus and absence of thoughts - more ideals and abstractions I could do without. I could do without Mu. Sure, my mind feels cluttered, and there are ways of uncluttering it, but is that what is really going to be valuable in the practice? I really don't think so.
I have about 2 minutes left, and I just want to take stock of what I need to do today. I'm going to Los Alamos to take my accordion in for repairs, getting me back in Santa Fe at probably 3 or 3:30. I think, at that point, the most valuable thing to do would be to clean up my room. I know I'll feel tired, but it will be good for me, and I can rest afterwards. It won't take long. I need to look at Peru stuff and look at career stuff and maybe clean a box or two. I'd like to fit running in there somewhere, but it might just not happen today. We'll see. I will cross that bridge once I get there.
Good afternoon, all.
I want, right now, to feel much more comfortable in my own bones, comfortable being with myself. It's so hard, because when I turn the light inward, I feel like there is nothing to see. So I sit there, observing what I believe to be nothing, while something of myself sits there hidden, not being seen. Things could be better, definitely. I just need to find a path that fits me. When, say, Marina asks me to let out my anger, my direct problem, the problem I directly experience, is not having any anger to let out. Not some conscious judgment "this anger is bad; I must hold this anger back." Any thoughts along those lines are abstractions. The real experience is flustered confusion - the absence of any need to act in the way I'm being told to. Is that resistance? Probably. But it's useless to call it that unless I experience it that way.
This is one of those many things that brings me back to why zazen is so valuable. The act of sitting in a prescribed posture and observing something specific and unavoidable (my breath) is perfect practice in being able to draw my focus in on my experience in a way that cannot but make sense to me. I can't not experience sitting, and I can't not experience breathing. It's right there, physical, direct. As for all of the mental focus and absence of thoughts - more ideals and abstractions I could do without. I could do without Mu. Sure, my mind feels cluttered, and there are ways of uncluttering it, but is that what is really going to be valuable in the practice? I really don't think so.
I have about 2 minutes left, and I just want to take stock of what I need to do today. I'm going to Los Alamos to take my accordion in for repairs, getting me back in Santa Fe at probably 3 or 3:30. I think, at that point, the most valuable thing to do would be to clean up my room. I know I'll feel tired, but it will be good for me, and I can rest afterwards. It won't take long. I need to look at Peru stuff and look at career stuff and maybe clean a box or two. I'd like to fit running in there somewhere, but it might just not happen today. We'll see. I will cross that bridge once I get there.
Good afternoon, all.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Another day at the office
I am here and primed for more blogging.
It's been a good morning. I got out of bed at a reasonable time, had my nasty egg-white protein (I think I'll need to move on to Whey, once I've finished this jar and the last of the soy - or at least add it to something else, like almond milk), sat zazen, made breakfast, made lunch, and done my little urban gardening chores (consisting of kitchen sprouts and my attempt to sprout this last generation of shiso seeds, which is not working entirely well. Mary urged me to put plastic wrap over the soil and make extra sure to move the container around with the sun.)
Now I'm at my desk, and it feels like I'm back to work, at the offices of Peliens. My real name, in fact, is actually a registered business in the state of New Mexico.
So zazen this morning. I felt very stiff. Following the principle I discussed last night, my mind was full of all kinds of crowding thoughts. One of them is a feeling of anxiety, training someone today to do case management, in the face of all the misgivings I have about my talents and capabilities in this job. It will be fine. The stress that I place on top of all of this is not worth working through, even. I just need to sit tight and be at home with myself. That is all.
The theme of home, interestingly enough, came up during Henry's dharma talk last night. I zoned in and out, as I often do, but, as usual, it was filled with actually very inspiring ideas. It's the presentation and package that's a little alienating and unfocused. The ideas are sound. He talked about Buddha's dharma transmission to Kashapa. How the transmission that occurred was not a pouring of insight into Kashapa, but rather Kashapa's recognition that he inhabited the same mind as the Buddha. Or, as Henry put it, the same home.
He then went on to expound about a poem by Hanshan, the homeless poet of the Tang dynasty, about what homelessness meant. Then it dawned on me: the connection between the injunction I've received to feel at home, and my work with the homeless. The need to feel at home could very well be at the core of a lot of my problems; is this what attracts me to my current job, keeps me there? Is this the work I'm doing - trying to see what it means not to feel at home?
I have not been sitting and visualizing this, as Sam suggested I do. Perhaps, with blogging in a much better place in my day, I'll have time to do this in the evening?
On the subject of blogging in a better place, I want to set down here: I need to rethink what I'm doing here. I notice that my writing has gotten a little bit more abstract than it was in the past. The blog has shifted from a daily diary to something more intellectual. Certainly, there is less scandal. But I have to also admit that I am editing myself a bit more, now that I am concerned about confidentiality, who might be reading this, etc. Perhaps I need to continue that, but less in public. I feel that a lot of this has to do, also, with my relationship with Penelope. This is the editing that occurs in a relationship; when one dialogue with one person is taken as orthodox, and all other dialogues, all other attractions, all other interests gets put aside. This does not have to be this way. In fact, shuffling other feelings aside is based mainly on a type of fear that is destructive to the relationship itself. This I have experienced before.
My time is up now, but as a last note: I will be very careful about this. I already plan on making an extra effort to push the boundaries of what I have previously defined as honesty; but I must remind myself constantly.
Have an excellent, honest day, everyone.
It's been a good morning. I got out of bed at a reasonable time, had my nasty egg-white protein (I think I'll need to move on to Whey, once I've finished this jar and the last of the soy - or at least add it to something else, like almond milk), sat zazen, made breakfast, made lunch, and done my little urban gardening chores (consisting of kitchen sprouts and my attempt to sprout this last generation of shiso seeds, which is not working entirely well. Mary urged me to put plastic wrap over the soil and make extra sure to move the container around with the sun.)
Now I'm at my desk, and it feels like I'm back to work, at the offices of Peliens. My real name, in fact, is actually a registered business in the state of New Mexico.
So zazen this morning. I felt very stiff. Following the principle I discussed last night, my mind was full of all kinds of crowding thoughts. One of them is a feeling of anxiety, training someone today to do case management, in the face of all the misgivings I have about my talents and capabilities in this job. It will be fine. The stress that I place on top of all of this is not worth working through, even. I just need to sit tight and be at home with myself. That is all.
The theme of home, interestingly enough, came up during Henry's dharma talk last night. I zoned in and out, as I often do, but, as usual, it was filled with actually very inspiring ideas. It's the presentation and package that's a little alienating and unfocused. The ideas are sound. He talked about Buddha's dharma transmission to Kashapa. How the transmission that occurred was not a pouring of insight into Kashapa, but rather Kashapa's recognition that he inhabited the same mind as the Buddha. Or, as Henry put it, the same home.
He then went on to expound about a poem by Hanshan, the homeless poet of the Tang dynasty, about what homelessness meant. Then it dawned on me: the connection between the injunction I've received to feel at home, and my work with the homeless. The need to feel at home could very well be at the core of a lot of my problems; is this what attracts me to my current job, keeps me there? Is this the work I'm doing - trying to see what it means not to feel at home?
I have not been sitting and visualizing this, as Sam suggested I do. Perhaps, with blogging in a much better place in my day, I'll have time to do this in the evening?
On the subject of blogging in a better place, I want to set down here: I need to rethink what I'm doing here. I notice that my writing has gotten a little bit more abstract than it was in the past. The blog has shifted from a daily diary to something more intellectual. Certainly, there is less scandal. But I have to also admit that I am editing myself a bit more, now that I am concerned about confidentiality, who might be reading this, etc. Perhaps I need to continue that, but less in public. I feel that a lot of this has to do, also, with my relationship with Penelope. This is the editing that occurs in a relationship; when one dialogue with one person is taken as orthodox, and all other dialogues, all other attractions, all other interests gets put aside. This does not have to be this way. In fact, shuffling other feelings aside is based mainly on a type of fear that is destructive to the relationship itself. This I have experienced before.
My time is up now, but as a last note: I will be very careful about this. I already plan on making an extra effort to push the boundaries of what I have previously defined as honesty; but I must remind myself constantly.
Have an excellent, honest day, everyone.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Drawkcab
I feel I've been doing this backward. I'm stealing a chapter title from a Piers Anthony book to express this. I'm going to start blogging in the morning. I will tap dance a little right now, but this one is going to be short. I'll see you all in the morning. How will I have time? By not lying in bed and hitting the snooze alarm. That's how.
Tonight Henry reminded me that unfocused attention and avoidance of physical discomfort or pain are always simultaneous. This means if I find myself drifting off into a crowded room of ideas, it's best to ask myself: where does my body feel discomfort? This seems like some solid erosion of the mind/body distinction. I like it. It's good for me; it's where I need to go. I tried this during my 3rd sitting period tonight, after the dokusan, and it seemed to work - although it did result in more eye confusion and a small assortment of nervous ticks. I'd like to get around that. How? Just let the flood of feeling rise, rise, rise.
Ok, that will be all for tonight. Take care, all, and let's start a habit of saying Good Morning.
Tonight Henry reminded me that unfocused attention and avoidance of physical discomfort or pain are always simultaneous. This means if I find myself drifting off into a crowded room of ideas, it's best to ask myself: where does my body feel discomfort? This seems like some solid erosion of the mind/body distinction. I like it. It's good for me; it's where I need to go. I tried this during my 3rd sitting period tonight, after the dokusan, and it seemed to work - although it did result in more eye confusion and a small assortment of nervous ticks. I'd like to get around that. How? Just let the flood of feeling rise, rise, rise.
Ok, that will be all for tonight. Take care, all, and let's start a habit of saying Good Morning.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
A Next Step
So I've been trying to clean out "stale" energy lately by cleaning and reorganizing all my objects, as well as by getting to old projects that have been sitting around for a long time. It's a lot of work, but it has paid off. Last week I felt tremendous energy as I cleaned my office at work and my closet at home. I've got so much more to do, but it's fun work. I guess I felt a little burned out yesterday and on Sunday, but it's back in full swing.
The only problem is that I feel like that I've freed up so much space, it's getting filled in with a rush of activity. At work, at least. I met with client after client today. Nothing was terribly frustrating - just the idea of how much I had to do, I guess. But each individual task was fine, worked well. I did not become too angry, though I had to tell maybe a half-dozen people to wait for me, because I was busy. It's a bit overwhelming, but it's also a good, energizing feeling. If only I relax well enough, I'll be fine.
In thinking about how my days go, I'm noticing I'm a little frustrated with all these evening tasks I have. Not that this is bad, but something's unbalanced about it. Night time is not exactly time to be productive, or restlessly wanting entertainment. I need to avoid those two extremes. Relaxed, healthy play is where I need to go. Some sort of sandbox creativity would be good.
I'm thinking about this blog, too. My motivation has shifted a little bit. Not really on the surface, and by surface I mean my stated intentions and my normal practice of writing. Something deep has shifted - I don't need to write here the way I used to. Or maybe I'm not writing what I really need to be writing - my needs are maybe what have changed.
Or I've strayed. I'm being much less particular about things. Mostly that's because a lot of my attention has shifted to Penelope, these days, and I decided I didn't want to gossip about my relationship too much. (I'm still happy to talk in person - in fact, it would be easy to get me to gush, if for some reason that's what you want me to do.)
Zen continues.
Radical Honesty has fallen apart, but I'm taking the task to heart - the two sessions I went to were helpful for sure.
I continue with the Four Hour Body diet, though it seems to be going for about 4 days a week, rather than 6. I've gotten into a cycle of mainly eating salad, lentils and low-fat cured meats (that is, various forms of turkey sausage), and I've been sticking with getting 30g of protein first thing in the morning, though I've switched from soy to egg white protein. Egg white protein is more foamy and less sludgy; less sweet and more salty and sour. It sits in my stomach much better, though, and I think it's way more effective. My appetite and sugar cravings have gone way, way down the past 2 days (since I started with the egg whites). This 30g of protein tip was a nice little bit of bodyshaping knowledge that certainly seems to have paid off for me.
This is about 15 minutes. It's time to sit and then to sleep.
I want to note, in the minute I have, that I had another excellent session with Sam. It wasn't so much Freudianly epiphanic as very focused and therefore very helpful. It's time, we said, for me to feel at home with myself. How do I do that? By feeling at home with myself. It's a simple equation. I might have to do complicated things around it, but setting an intention for myself, a point of focus around which any sort of task can orbit, is the real activity of change. And so I will try.
Good night, all.
The only problem is that I feel like that I've freed up so much space, it's getting filled in with a rush of activity. At work, at least. I met with client after client today. Nothing was terribly frustrating - just the idea of how much I had to do, I guess. But each individual task was fine, worked well. I did not become too angry, though I had to tell maybe a half-dozen people to wait for me, because I was busy. It's a bit overwhelming, but it's also a good, energizing feeling. If only I relax well enough, I'll be fine.
In thinking about how my days go, I'm noticing I'm a little frustrated with all these evening tasks I have. Not that this is bad, but something's unbalanced about it. Night time is not exactly time to be productive, or restlessly wanting entertainment. I need to avoid those two extremes. Relaxed, healthy play is where I need to go. Some sort of sandbox creativity would be good.
I'm thinking about this blog, too. My motivation has shifted a little bit. Not really on the surface, and by surface I mean my stated intentions and my normal practice of writing. Something deep has shifted - I don't need to write here the way I used to. Or maybe I'm not writing what I really need to be writing - my needs are maybe what have changed.
Or I've strayed. I'm being much less particular about things. Mostly that's because a lot of my attention has shifted to Penelope, these days, and I decided I didn't want to gossip about my relationship too much. (I'm still happy to talk in person - in fact, it would be easy to get me to gush, if for some reason that's what you want me to do.)
Zen continues.
Radical Honesty has fallen apart, but I'm taking the task to heart - the two sessions I went to were helpful for sure.
I continue with the Four Hour Body diet, though it seems to be going for about 4 days a week, rather than 6. I've gotten into a cycle of mainly eating salad, lentils and low-fat cured meats (that is, various forms of turkey sausage), and I've been sticking with getting 30g of protein first thing in the morning, though I've switched from soy to egg white protein. Egg white protein is more foamy and less sludgy; less sweet and more salty and sour. It sits in my stomach much better, though, and I think it's way more effective. My appetite and sugar cravings have gone way, way down the past 2 days (since I started with the egg whites). This 30g of protein tip was a nice little bit of bodyshaping knowledge that certainly seems to have paid off for me.
This is about 15 minutes. It's time to sit and then to sleep.
I want to note, in the minute I have, that I had another excellent session with Sam. It wasn't so much Freudianly epiphanic as very focused and therefore very helpful. It's time, we said, for me to feel at home with myself. How do I do that? By feeling at home with myself. It's a simple equation. I might have to do complicated things around it, but setting an intention for myself, a point of focus around which any sort of task can orbit, is the real activity of change. And so I will try.
Good night, all.
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