Outta Time

I think I'll do 10 minutes this morning, in an effort to save a little time. I had several tasks I wanted to do, and I underestimated how long it would take the first few (make breakfast, make lunch, clean kitchen, look over morning internet tasks and schedule), and now I don't have much time.

I've been focusing yet again on how to clean up my day. I spent a lot of time loafing yesterday - and not loafing well. And I got out of bed 50 minutes later than I wanted to.

I can go through all the life-hacky things that would make all of this slightly easier, but I think it's best to focus on the inner issues. I waste time because I avoid feelings. This is something everyone does and no one is a master of. I don't care how balanced you think you are - this is the problem of our existence in our day and age, this avoidance of feelings, whether it's yours or someone else's or both, we're not getting a good totality here.

But, back to myself, away from working on the rest of humanity. What can I do? I meditate. That is step one. I can get stronger and more committed at that.

I can really train myself to waste less time. And keep in mind: waste time does not mean being productive. It just means not avoiding feelings. I guess I should call it being present. I can train myself to be more present.

I have now forbidden myself to use the internet while eating. This seems to have a magnifying effect on any tendency I have to go into a little cocoon world. This would include watching tv.

I read Rumi while eating breakfast this morning, instead. Yes, it takes up more freaking time. To do everything right for myself takes so much of day; but I guess I can say it gives something back to me.

Doing this blogging in the morning helps me considerably. That is, doing the task of uncluttering time and space frees up more room to be present; makes the task much more comfortable.

Look at me: I'm focusing on accomplishing tasks and lifehacking again.

What are the underlying feelings?

I get to them in certain moments, like last night, when I went for a walk. Or in sessions with Sam. It always seems to be an underlying feeling of rejection, a sadness, a desperation, a loneliness. If I really dig deep, there is an undercurrent of these emotions. Hence the task of feeling at home with myself.

I haven't been visualizing anything; haven't spent time doing that. I guess I don't entirely have faith in the process. It would be worth my time to at least try. I notice that I feel a lot of discouragement in my ability to focus: ever since I've fully committed myself to meditation, it's been so clear to me how chaotic and unordered my mind actually is. I guess that comes with the practice naturally; everyone goes through that. But it's really sticking in my mind and influencing how I view myself. A good thing to bring up with Sam and Henry.

But yes, I believe it's true that what I call my ordered self isn't so ordered. Krishnamurti talks a lot about having an ordered mind, and it is not a logical, symmetrical clean mind. An ordered mind is a mind rooted in what is beyond the immediate self. It is the enterprise of ego that makes things chaotic, unordered, confusing. This is quite clear to me, or at least growing clearer and clearer in a very immediate way.

I guess this serves to make me more committed to the practice of Zen. Not a bad way to start the day.

It's time to go, but I must remember to pick up the thread of my immediate feelings. It's a challenge. I'm already thinking up good ways of doing it here on this blog. More to follow.

Wonderful day, all.