Another day at the office

I am here and primed for more blogging.

It's been a good morning. I got out of bed at a reasonable time, had my nasty egg-white protein (I think I'll need to move on to Whey, once I've finished this jar and the last of the soy - or at least add it to something else, like almond milk), sat zazen, made breakfast, made lunch, and done my little urban gardening chores (consisting of kitchen sprouts and my attempt to sprout this last generation of shiso seeds, which is not working entirely well. Mary urged me to put plastic wrap over the soil and make extra sure to move the container around with the sun.)

Now I'm at my desk, and it feels like I'm back to work, at the offices of Peliens. My real name, in fact, is actually a registered business in the state of New Mexico.

So zazen this morning. I felt very stiff. Following the principle I discussed last night, my mind was full of all kinds of crowding thoughts. One of them is a feeling of anxiety, training someone today to do case management, in the face of all the misgivings I have about my talents and capabilities in this job. It will be fine. The stress that I place on top of all of this is not worth working through, even. I just need to sit tight and be at home with myself. That is all.

The theme of home, interestingly enough, came up during Henry's dharma talk last night. I zoned in and out, as I often do, but, as usual, it was filled with actually very inspiring ideas. It's the presentation and package that's a little alienating and unfocused. The ideas are sound. He talked about Buddha's dharma transmission to Kashapa. How the transmission that occurred was not a pouring of insight into Kashapa, but rather Kashapa's recognition that he inhabited the same mind as the Buddha. Or, as Henry put it, the same home.

He then went on to expound about a poem by Hanshan, the homeless poet of the Tang dynasty, about what homelessness meant. Then it dawned on me: the connection between the injunction I've received to feel at home, and my work with the homeless. The need to feel at home could very well be at the core of a lot of my problems; is this what attracts me to my current job, keeps me there? Is this the work I'm doing - trying to see what it means not to feel at home?

I have not been sitting and visualizing this, as Sam suggested I do. Perhaps, with blogging in a much better place in my day, I'll have time to do this in the evening?

On the subject of blogging in a better place, I want to set down here: I need to rethink what I'm doing here. I notice that my writing has gotten a little bit more abstract than it was in the past. The blog has shifted from a daily diary to something more intellectual. Certainly, there is less scandal. But I have to also admit that I am editing myself a bit more, now that I am concerned about confidentiality, who might be reading this, etc. Perhaps I need to continue that, but less in public. I feel that a lot of this has to do, also, with my relationship with Penelope. This is the editing that occurs in a relationship; when one dialogue with one person is taken as orthodox, and all other dialogues, all other attractions, all other interests gets put aside. This does not have to be this way. In fact, shuffling other feelings aside is based mainly on a type of fear that is destructive to the relationship itself. This I have experienced before.

My time is up now, but as a last note: I will be very careful about this. I already plan on making an extra effort to push the boundaries of what I have previously defined as honesty; but I must remind myself constantly.

Have an excellent, honest day, everyone.