I just can't seem to squeeze out that extra hour or so of vegetating that means the difference between a full day and feeling like it was wasted. I think the impractical thing here is not what I do but what I expect myself to do. If I am not spending my time the way I want to, I need to really think about what is important for me to do - not just base my sense of accomplishment on an agenda I barely thought out yesterday.
I want to set down a good session with Sam this morning. Really good. Themes: feeling turned off by others' toxic thoughts; feeling that others' negativity defines me, that I am somehow negative; going back to a sense that when people are using me to validate their thoughts, I feel left out, I feel I am not getting what I need from them; often just wanting them to shut up about their problems and simply share their feelings with me; how this goes back - way, way back in my past; back to this triple feeling - combination of fear and sadness running through my life, capped off by a habit of believing that I am not valid without the seal and approval and acceptance of others. This is raw stuff, deep down there. I feel vulnerable sharing this - but it is true, and I want to share my truth.
There was more to it - I got a very good glimpse into exactly what the unconscious mind might be - but it's hard to write about, and I don't have time to set everything down.
That will do for now.
There was a camera snafu today, so no photos. I'll try to figure it out - whenever I have time again.
Good night, all.
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