Talking to people ...

is hard. I feel like a different person than when I am silent, or writing. I am so prone to feeling wrong, way too prone, and this makes it difficult for me to collect my thoughts, because I am always undermining them. I always end up feeling pretty drained.

That is all. It is late.

Good night.

Posting in the . . . morning??

So I have had trouble sitting down to read for the past, oh, 3 years or so. This morning I decided to read during and after breakfast, something I haven't done in a long time. The book has turned out to be a page-turner for me (it's Zen, Wrapped in Karma, Dipped in Chocolate, by Brad Warner, FYI). Nonetheless, I was able to put it down after reading a few chapters, feeling like I needed to attend to other things (which I still need to do).

After laying the book on the floor, I found myself looking out the window, watching a cloud, I guess. It was pretty and stereotypically poetic. But the thought that popped into my head was this: it is a great thing, that I want to continue reading this book, but that I am able to stop reading it.

This is very important. Last night I was wondering why I get so involved in distracting myself. This morning, it is clear to me that one reason is that, perhaps, I am actively looking for the feeling of not being able to stop. That is, I get into a mood where I resent the fact that certain things, say, writing or playing music, are too easy to put off. I much more respect the attractive power of pointless internet searches or video games or whatever it is. I like the feeling of not having a choice.

This is a part of me that is one of two things or both: afraid of the power I have within me to make choices about my life; resentful of this power.

Is this why I am so deferent with people? Why I'm so uncomfortable with winning?

This is crucial, crucial stuff. I don't have time right now to get into it deeper, which it would be good to do, but at least acknowledging it for 30 minutes is helpful.

It also illuminates an issue I have with zazen: where does the power come, that gets my mind to settle down, that gets me to sit still, to accept the motionlessness and the silence (which I am not doing 100%)? Not from some external source outside of me, that's for sure. But if not from there, from where?

Have a great day.

I seem to get very tired at night...

And yet, I could still write, if I wanted to.

A few things to note:

The sadness of nostalgia...
The frustration of "being out of tune," as I phrased it yesterday. Resisting doing anything.
The confusion of not knowing which notes to play on my violin.
The joy of singing.
The silence underneath it all.

I want to write so much about the nostalgia, but I can't. Not right now.

I want to collect myself, still myself, focus myself. I don't have time for any of the nonsense anymore, I tell myself. I don't have time to waste; I don't have time to be alone.

Dear God, how I feel I don't want to be alone. This is a normal fear; one that you might even say has been programmed into everyone in our society. Or, if not programmed exactly, at least encouraged, even unconsciously.

I still feel that breaking up with Alexa was a good decision, but this loneliness is difficult, this not knowing.

I have experienced confidence before; I can generate it again, if I want to.

I am wasting my time hiding, hiding, hiding from everything. What a strange feeling, this lazy restlessness. I feel like I could benefit with one or the other, but both at the same time, desperately looking for ways to distract myself - what does this accomplish? I end up getting to bed too late, without being relaxed, or really having had any fun.

I think I just really, really want love and am not finding it, so this part of me is kind of thrashing around desperately, feeling empty, feeling incomplete, feeling hungry. In a place of so much desperation, you cannot follow a clear pattern, you can't be strategic or graceful. How can I feel less desperate? Let me phrase it this way: how can I feel less desperate, without unnecessarily shoving away the pain, the fear, the grief?

Unconscious acting out. What balance am I trying to achieve, by acting this way? What part of myself am I denying, that this blindly, destructively restores?

Good night, everyone!

Stalking the Perfect Then

This would be the most clever title I've ever come up for anything, if the reference were not both so obscure and so irrelevant to what I'm talking about. Okay, maybe that means it's not clever.

So it's Thanksgiving today, if no one has noticed. I had a really delicious dinner with my roommates and their friends. I guess it kind of struck me a little bit how imperfect it is to be surrounded by strangers on this day. I went into a tryptophan coma anyway, so I didn't even bother being social, but it was clear to me I was uncomfortable being around so many people not in the same place in life as me (my roommates and their friends seem to all be between 45-55). Still, it was a good meal, and the company was friendly and interesting, even if I didn't talk or reach out very much.

I had a pretty intense dream about Xxx today. Actually, Xxx did not feature in it much as an actor. It was more a dream where I all of a sudden felt desperately and hopelessly cut off from Xxx, and it felt like I was being shut-off from everything dear to me. It was a suffocating, trapped, powerless feeling. The emotional equivalent of drowning. This is the emotion behind the idea of Hell, isn't it? Being completely alienated, blocked off, shut away, irredeemably so. I experienced that last night. I'm surprised I'm in such a decent mood right now, this feeling was so intense in the dream.

Here I am, with such a powerful emotion in me, and, of course, I find an excuse to not talk too much about it, or at least the circumstances. If you want to know who this person is, and why I feel I want to hide this identity, just ask me. I have a good reason to do so. I even tried deleting the x's and writing the real name, but it didn't feel right, so I switched it back again.

But getting to the core issues: I am in control of this. This is a world I create for myself, my own personal hell of isolation. I am happy to report that this is growing clearer to me everyday. No drastic changes have been made yet to break through my emotional wall, but I am at least making it a point of focus, getting to realize how pervasive it is. It is still hard for me to believe that I am in control. But I don't think anything will change if I don't motivate myself.

It's exciting to think about all the wonderful things I can do with music and writing and design and social change and everything -- but I need to get this self-esteem thing down before I do anything. These activities can be tools, especially the first two, but I can't fool around with trying to define myself, if I don't understand I am the master of who I am.

Or, looking at it from a mostly different but ultimately identical perspective: if I don't allow myself to feel loved.

Until I do that, I am going to keep meeting lovely people like Xxx and quickly saying goodbye, not able to get truly close, with nothing sticking, no one staying, no connection crystalizing.

I don't want that to happen. I really don't. It can't continue.

I feel sad at the moment; but this is a deserved and sweet sadness. I'm thankful for it.

Feliz Dargracias

Back to work

I was going to be all "fail mode" and just slink off to bed without putting effort into this, but when I went into the kitchen to fill my water bottle, I noticed that Jesus was awake, too, watching science videos. He's never up this late, and somehow that made me feel more comfortable with the night.

Maybe I'll still only write a little, but I'll enjoy it much more.

I want to make a little note about the strange turn in the conversation from two nights ago. I realize I didn't say anything yesterday.

Basically, when Sarah was telling me she only wanted to be friends, and that it was possible for friends to be very close, I got all... exuberant? enthusiastic? desperate? demented? ... and told her that we might as well get as close as possible, that it was possible to do tantra without having sex, that we could go ahead and have the weirdest, most intense friendship in history. I half feel that this is a valid thing. I just think that I went a little overboard due to fatigue and a general sense of despair about the situation. It is not appropriate for us in this situation. Maybe somewhere down the road, with someone different, in different circumstances. But it's not appropriate for here, us, now.

I feel fine today. It seems the true character of our friendship (one-sided crush) has become a regular topic of our interactions. I say "it seems," but really it's coming from me. I am a little surprised at myself for being able to bring it up.

Ok, now I'm getting sleepy. I'm probably going to nod off during zazen, but so be it.

Night all!

This is old stuff, isn't it

And yet it doesn't seem to go away.

That's not fair. Much is different.

So yesterday I tried to talk to Sarah about how I feel, about how it's becoming considerably more difficult to be around her, a little bit about how hanging around her is affecting my self esteem, and I suggested we diminish our contact.

She protested; I am a pushover; our contact has not significantly diminished. As a matter of fact, we are facebook chatting as I write this.

[Chats for most of an hour.]

Well, okay, so I was kind of wondering, and I kind of suspected this, but it seems Sarah has gotten into a lot of different situations like the one we're in, where she clearly intended that she was not interested in somebody, and yet it progressed more and more and got to the point where relations needed to get cut off.

I picked a good title for this post. I originally meant it just for myself, but it looks like it applies to her, too.

This actually gives me a feeling of relief. It's evidence that this is not entirely my problem; illustrates better that this is a mutual issue. Not that it was ever otherwise, this new information just very comfortably makes the shared responsibility clearer.

So it's actually kind of intriguing to me: she makes what seems to be a special effort to point out how she wants the relationship not to be romantic, and, if I can project my own situation onto the past ones, she goes ahead and does everything in her power to make the other person interested. Not consciously, of course. I'm really curious why that's the case.

I began to offer ideas. The first idea that popped out was that she is putting too much weight on verbal boundaries and not on emotional boundaries. That is, you can't just say that the relationship is not romantic, you have to not act romantically, also. Sarah does act romantically.

But then this brings up the issue: she seems to say that, no, it's not romantic, simply because that's not her intention. That is to say, romantic is not anything objective. Can she say that? I'm not sure. I can see it both ways.

Let's say it's not objective. I think she's still responsible for anticipating other people's reactions, at least a little bit. Acknowledging that what is a normal friendship, for her, strays into romantic for a lot of people. I can't speak for everyone, but I can speak quite confidently for myself and for the other people who have gotten into this situation with her.

But I don't know. What is the real boundary between being a friend and a lover? Is it just sex? I don't think so. There's something else there. Does Sarah simply work towards a more intense kind of friendship than most people are used to, something certainly unexpected but nonetheless valid? Or is she actually crossing boundaries she should not cross?

If I really search my feelings, as they say, I feel like it's maybe 10% she has a new breed of friendship and 90% crossing boundaries. I can't really explain that, though. Yet.

I don't feel a complete, whole process of giving and taking. I feel more is taken from me than is given. It's harsh, but true. It's kind of a being left with the bill feeling.

I'm not going to get into blame mode. I am in control of this situation as much as she is. I simply want to understand what's going on, and I am feeling some pain, so it comes out angry. I am angry. But I need to remember I can be angry and not have the anger define me.

I don't have to understand everything, of course. Just see where my feelings in this situation take me.

As far as how the day went, I was pretty depressed most of the time until Sarah left. By the time she came back, though, I was comfortable talking to her. It's good to feel like this sometimes (i.e., moody, dark), but of course it can't go on forever. It won't.

I feel pretty good about it all, at the moment. It's always good to know that you're not the only one acting in the play.

Time for bed.

Good night, all.

Somehow, I'm back in an old place again...

I come home from dinner, sit at the computer, wheedling and drilling and mining for emotional connection. Really, I'm waiting for Sarah to pop onto facebook and start chatting with me.
She does. We talk. I drop a big bomb in the middle of the conversation, because I've been upset lately and wanting to talk to Sarah about our (yes, platonic) relationship. There is no good opportunity, so I just let it fly. Not so happy, but not so horribly dramatic as it would be in person. I feel like I'm missing out on feeling by having this conversation over the internet, but, on the other hand, it would probably never come up in person. That's important to think about though: maybe it should never have happened. I don't know.

I'm not in a good mood right now, clearly. I am not devoting every second of my evening to being creative and discovering my true self. It is clear that I am devoted to working on the feeling of loneliness inside me, and that this is my dominant motivator, at least for right now.

I can see clearly: this is simply a bad m.o., and as long as I am hooked on it, I'm going nowhere. So I think, sadly, the only solution is to cut Sarah off. As long as I'm around her, I'm tempted to go into denial about the fact that she's not interested in me. I can't pretend that it can be ok like that.

[Continued conversation on facebook chat.]

Boy, that conversation sure did not end up where I think it was going to. So much to say - but it's time to go. Maybe tomorrow night.

Good night.

I'm back - but to what extent?

Ok, here I am again.

I have plenty to talk about. Plenty, plenty. Emotionally, autobiographically, philosophically.

But I'm just focusing on putting words into the blog right now. So I'm going to talk about one (relatively) easy topic right now.

I'm feeling more and more that life is short and I just need to devote myself to music. Santa Fe University (formerly College of Santa Fe) has a fine program; I just never really bothered to investigate. I will need to provide 15 minutes of audition, as well as a small portfolio. I also have no idea about the finances - I should probably just schedule a meeting with the admissions department and get solid information about the process.

This was largely inspired by my introduction and visit with my new Icelandic friend, Uni. I want to set down here that I first heard Uni on KSFR back in April. Of course this wasn't the first time I thought of going to Iceland, but I am positive that hearing that radio show had a significant influence in putting it in the forefront of my mind this year. And there I was, 7 months later, staying in her house.

[Takes a long break that begins with a walk outside, then moves to recharging my car battery, doing yoga, listening to an archived version of the KSFR interview mentioned above, dinner, Google Reader time, random & wasteful web surfing, zazen and an hour-long phone conversation with Runa.]

Uni studied at the College of Santa Fe (that's what I'm going to call it) for 3 years, and she says that the program helped her to find her own voice and helped her tremendously to be able to compose pieces of her own. I guess it never rang any bells for me, just because it's called a "Contemporary Music Program," and I always assumed I would study classical music. Why? Why bother with the distinction? It's clear to me now that all I could ever compose is contemporary music. Classical music is wonderful and really inspiring; and I could easily have dived deeper into it, if I had chosen to. It's just that I didn't choose to, and, if I think about it, the vast majority of my life as a musician has not been in classical music. So why stick to that pigeonhole?

Anyway, the idea of being a musician seems daunting. I'm 28 now. Could it legitimately be too late for me to have finally decided, this is what I'm going to do? I can only stumble along on my chosen instruments at this point. How good can I actually get, even granted my natural ability to play instruments? I have no idea.

I fixed my accordion today. It still needs work, but I can at least play it again. I will be looking into fixing my violin and re-hairing my bow if I happen to have time this week - otherwise, next week.

I think the next step is finding people to play with. Something no pressure. I looked briefly at the Musicians board on craigslist, and the first thing that caught my eye was a band that was looking for violinists (EvaRusnik). It's actually great music; I listened to them on myspace. Really great; the kind of stuff I'd like to be involved in. But I just don't think I'm good enough. I noticed they played once with a violinist whom I have actually seen perform a few times in Santa Fe; she is considerably better than I am. So, yes, this is why I'm looking for a no pressure, intimate jamming group to start out with.

The next step would be finding a good teacher. I would only really be able to afford lessons on one instrument, so I'd need to choose carefully. Accordion I'll continue messing with on my own; so it would be a choice between violin and piano. As for piano, I would need to set up a piano I can play on - both Temple Beth Shalom and Center for Spiritual Living have at least heard my request, but I would need to follow up with them if there were to be an actual arrangement. Yeah, so there's a lot to do there.

What will this turn into? I don't know. But I do know that the only way to lose out is if I fall asleep again and forget the whole idea. I need to play music. Maybe I won't be able to do it this way or that way, but I need to do it, and I can make time and space for me to do it in.

So much more to talk about, but I can't. Welcome to the tip of the iceberg.

Good night.