I come home from dinner, sit at the computer, wheedling and drilling and mining for emotional connection. Really, I'm waiting for Sarah to pop onto facebook and start chatting with me.
She does. We talk. I drop a big bomb in the middle of the conversation, because I've been upset lately and wanting to talk to Sarah about our (yes, platonic) relationship. There is no good opportunity, so I just let it fly. Not so happy, but not so horribly dramatic as it would be in person. I feel like I'm missing out on feeling by having this conversation over the internet, but, on the other hand, it would probably never come up in person. That's important to think about though: maybe it should never have happened. I don't know.
I'm not in a good mood right now, clearly. I am not devoting every second of my evening to being creative and discovering my true self. It is clear that I am devoted to working on the feeling of loneliness inside me, and that this is my dominant motivator, at least for right now.
I can see clearly: this is simply a bad m.o., and as long as I am hooked on it, I'm going nowhere. So I think, sadly, the only solution is to cut Sarah off. As long as I'm around her, I'm tempted to go into denial about the fact that she's not interested in me. I can't pretend that it can be ok like that.
[Continued conversation on facebook chat.]
Boy, that conversation sure did not end up where I think it was going to. So much to say - but it's time to go. Maybe tomorrow night.
Good night.
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