Not going to bed on time

And probably not doing evening zazen.

Hmm.. I don't have much by way of an explanation. I feel inert and unenergetic. Strange, because I had a productive day at work. I just need to lay on the wet blankets all evening, I guess, until I feel completely uninspired. What is with this tendency?

More resistance, more heel-dragging.

Am I going in a wrong direction? What am I missing?

This behavior could be damaging for new projects, new relationships.

Is it just a feeling of coldness on the inside. Yes. Cold versus warmth is a good metaphor. I feel cold on the inside, so I look for things to warm me up. A little emotional friction, a few emotional and dietary calories.

Why do I feel so chilled to the bone? What can a person do to feel the fire in his heart?

Imagination helps. Imagination is a key element, here, I think. Everything I do to waste time - videos and video game - are imagination substitutes.

Imagination and interaction with others. I think they can work together.

But if I am watching the fort alone, like I am tonight, and like many whole, fiery people before me have done night after night through history, I have my imagination to warm me.

Is this more hiding in fantasies? I don't think it has to be, if I come up with a good way to use it. There is very little difference, I feel between what we call imagination and what we call thinking. Thinking is just imagining concepts, ideas, words and sounds. This seems obvious, but somehow we make a distinction between the two. I am someone who thinks a lot; but I am also someone who imagines, daydreams a lot. Same thing.

When I worry, fret, get anxious, I am imagining things. When I spend endless hours planning things that never happen, I am imagining things.

To have a clean mind, then, is to have a clean imagination.

What kind of relationship can I develop?

I am a little inspired now to sit zazen. In 20 minutes, it will be midnight. I need to wake up at 7 tomorrow, earlier than normal, so I can have enough time to get out and have a day. I am behind on sleep. Shit. Why do this to myself? 20 minutes won't hurt.

Good night, everyone.

Going to bed on time

What a nice day this was - with huge problems in the middle - but I'm still left feeling it was nice.

I got plenty done at work today. I am planning on overhauling all my methods and working at 4000% productivity. Yes, that is a realistic number based on complicated, complicated, I say, analysis. So work will be better. I simply need to organize my time more efficiently - right now it's pretty scattered. Having my office near the front door, with distraction after distraction waltzing in, is no help either. I was fine at first, but after 6 months, somehow all the chaos has more of a grip on me, rather than less. A simple re-boot.

To be fair to myself, part of the feeling of chaos has been the multiform, manifold expansion in my mind of what my job is supposed to be. This improvement of perception is a success in itself; I am just finding I need to get the details to catch up with the big picture. I can do a lot more.

The huge problem in the middle is not really a new problem - it was an experience. I encountered two clients, both of whom do not like me very much. Probably, of everyone I have worked with, these two like me the least. And they are somehow traveling around together now. One, the more recent one, is "a little bit" crazy and, as Lala pointed out, hates everyone, so I can't take it too seriously or personally. The other one is a blast from the past -- and I will be happy to talk about the details in person, but not on the blog. I will write here that this guy really got under my skin in a strange way; making strange requests from me; and, in the end, I did not give him what he was asking for, and it's pretty clear he resents me for it. It does not help that he has a very grandiose personality that, I am sure, would tend to project and shoot out emotions more than the personalities of most people. Not a pleasant person to be on the bad side of. It's not like he hurls invective or anything all the time - at least not in front of me. I guess I'll cop out and say I have a very, very bad feeling about this guy, and, for whatever reason, he has the power to get to me on the inside. I get a serious rotten feeling when I'm around him. Maybe more on him later.

This feeling in me is something I need to work on. To certain extent, what I need to work on is separating "wrong done" to person from "weird feeling" with person. This phenomenon influences my "positive" relationships, too: not being able to separate the feelings that result from actions and intentions from baseline intuitions and unconscious things I pick up. Two different things.

At any rate, I am afraid of this guy; and I need to figure out why and if it is necessary to feel that way.

The sense that I am so vulnerable to him, or to anybody, of course, is up to me to determine. I don't have to dwell in this place. I am choosing to, because this fear has something to teach me. Clearly, or I wouldn't be returning to it.

On a similar note, I don't have to be ashamed of all the negativity in my life - negativity is instructive. There is no reason to judge someone for dwelling in negativity - it is a valid experience, like rolling in chocolate ice cream. Sure, why not eat the ice cream, but if somebody loves it, why get a little squirt of smugness from telling yourself that you wouldn't do the same, you know better. It's just chocolate ice cream. And, really, is there truly a logical reason you aren't rolling in it? Didn't think so.

From now on, I'm going to imagine all pain as chocolate ice cream.

Yeah, so it was a nice day. Good day at work. Had a really good time making fun of my job with Andrea this morning. A nice fast staff meeting. I got a smoked turkey, which will be slow carbing itself onto my plate the next few days. Established my plans for saturday. Snow! 2 hours of meditation. A really tasty dinner: part 2 of last night's steak, plus a massive salad of wild arugula. Simple, but good.

Just want to note about the 2 hours: the longest I have ever sat in one session. I didn't really think about that until I got home and noticed how sore my legs were. I am planning on going to at least one more session this week (on New Year's Eve). I was planning on taking Sunday off, but we'll see. I think I need it. Plus, it's good preparation in case I decide to do the Sesshin (not a spelling error) at the end of January. I'll need to meet Henry to make a decision - Henry is the normal teacher of the Wednesday group, who is visiting family in England until next week and therefore was not present tonight.

I feel pretty relaxed right now. I'm done blogging on time, and I think I'm going to slip into bed and read about whiny Greek warriors. Incidentally, has anyone else noticed that the more macho a guy is, the more whiny he is? Not a good masculine, at all.

Fare ye well tonight, all.

Quiet Pond

I haven't felt a tremendous need to blog lately; sitting here and starting to type feels good, though, so the commitment is still here.

The idea of self-determination is coursing through my head these days. This is what I have been approaching for years. Some might call it living actively as compared with living passively, but I like to look at it as living neither actively nor passively. I think getting too attached to your own sense of control is the danger of viewing yourself as living actively. Of course, I shouldn't really be talking, because I tip towards the passive end of the scale.

Whichever way you look at it, passivity is an illusion I need to disabuse myself of. Hopelessness is an illusion - a temptation to have the world prepared to your liking, and the tremendous crash when it isn't.

I was impressed with my conversation with okcupid connection Penelope [the name has been changed]. I am truly looking forward to meeting her; wanting to meet her, not desperately needing to. Big difference. She is 7 years older than I am; but I think in this case it's not too much of a big deal. Although, there are certain details of her life that put us in different places a little bit - maybe in the future the differences will seem greater; I'm not sure. I can't rest on any fantasy anymore; I can't afford it. But reading her profile and talking to her yesterday, I have at the very least learned what I look for in a woman: likes to travel and interested in other languages/culture; relatively outdoorsy in a hippyish, earthy kind of way; interested in self-growth; capable of philosophical conversation. She is also strikingly mature, emotionally. It's both admirable and comfortable at the same time - I know there will be a good lack of drama.

I hope I stack up well enough for her. There is no way around it: she is definitely more mature than I am. I still buy into drama, obviously. I want to think "Well, it's my money, I don't have to buy into it if I don't want to" - which is true, but hard in practice. I'm not exactly intimidated - she is too respectful and warm a person, it seems, to really be intimidating. But I just wonder if I will hold up, is all.

We'll see what happens. In the interest in recording feelings, emotions and intuitions: I found myself shivering when I first messaged Penelope. Let's see how this pans out.

Scheduling has been a little difficult, especially since my Saturday is looking to be incredibly busy, what with sweat-lodges and possible poker games. But hopefully we will meet on Thursday.

I'm communicating with someone else from okc, let's call her Hera. Hera certainly seems like a fascinating person - she is also adventurous and interested in self-growth. I know less about her, since we haven't chatted yet. She should be calling me any minute now. She says on her profile she's not looking for anything serious, so I'm happy to head down to Albuquerque and meet her.

[Talks to Hera on the phone.]

Ok, I like her. She's chill and really easy to talk to. Incidentally, she has the same voice as Amber Nichols.

I want to get to know more about her - and I will, this weekend. More info to follow.

Important note: it would do me good, and it would do these ladies and any other people and all other people good for me to figure out what I want. That distinction sticks to me, the one Alexa used. Figuring out what I want, not who I want. I am on the road to this. Sam and I worked this out a little bit this morning, and he found it so important that he photocopied his notes of what I said and gave me an article to read about what to do about it. To do about getting myself to know what I want, that is. I want to read the article and process it a little bit first, but the photocopy is definitely going up on this blog.

That will be an object of focus, maybe for January of next year: what I want. "30 Days of Wanting" or something like that.

I am swerving slowly towards this point, where I determine myself by identifying what I want. Hoorah for practical, concrete steps toward maturity.

Diet note: I thought I could get away with carrot juice, but, until I hear otherwise, I'm thinking it's too sugary for this diet. So out it goes. I made celery/kale juice this morning. It tasted so... healthy. Really, really healthy. That is all.

Good night, me, ladies, other people and all people.

101

Hmm... Not much time to write tonight. I had a phone date with someone from okcupid. It went pretty well, I'd say. That's all I'm going to go into right now.

I need to sit, then sleep.

Oh, and the new diet is ok. I got fiercely hungry around 4pm and ate two big pieces of salmon I was saving for dinner. I haven't eaten since, and I am not hungry. I started taking calcium/magnesium/potassium supplements to ward off any dehydration the lack of simple carbs might be causing. We'll see how it goes.

Good night, all.

Practical things

I begin with something practical: I'm starting the Slow Carb diet tomorrow. Basically, the only carbohydrates I can eat are from legumes - lentils and beans. I can go to town with them. On top of that, I am supposed to eat roughly 20g of protein at each meal. That's 3 eggs, or a can of tuna, or a hamburger patty, or three servings of lentils, etc. Apparently this is very important.

I am also to avoid dairy. Tim (Tim Ferriss) is not entirely clear about this, because he talks about eating cottage cheese a lot. Actually, many things are a little unclear, but I get the general gist.

The best part is the cheat day, where you are encouraged to go off the diet with a vengeance, although he does supply tips on how to steer the binging in the right direction, too. This sounds kind of extreme, but my guess is since I will be dieting most of the week, a "binge" here means, say, half of what I have eaten every day I've spent in Las Vegas. He suggests something like 4000-5000 calories. If I have a normal, sensible breakfast with a lot of grapefruit juice (recommended for cheat days), that's like a medium pizza and a pint of Phish Food on top of it. Easy. I have done much worse.

I'm looking into getting a russian kettle bell. Tim says this is the most efficient strength training device. He gives instructions on how to rig up something entirely equivalent out of $10-15 of pipes and clamps, so I'm going to try that, rather than spending $120 on a piece of cast iron. Though they do look pretty cool and manly.

Why am I doing this? Because I am gaining all kinds of weight, and I am getting weaker. I want to forge a body that seems right to me. I want to lose about 20 pounds of fat.

There are two red flags to this diet: one is the disorganization with which Tim presents his methods. I think it's just sloppy writing, though - he backs everything up with scientific studies, is himself experienced in the field (sports medicine) and seems to know his shit. The other red flag, more important to me, is what I mentioned before: the marketing. I think that, ultimately, good health comes from balance. But I think it would do me some good to experiment with the way I eat. Maybe this doesn't work. I don't know. But one month of experimentation couldn't hurt.

Ok, I don't want to talk about this anymore today.

I spent less than 2 hours procrastinating today. About 30 minutes lying in bed before waking up. Then I spent about 50 minutes tooling around on the internet and watching the Office. It was satisfying, and it did not take up much time. And yet I feel like I had no time today. More evidence to me that I need to go easy on myself about the relaxation - the point is if I want to do it or not, not exactly how much time it takes up. I am doing good things with my life. If I feel I need to do more, then I need to find a way to do more, not waste any effort getting upset with myself for what I happen to be doing instead.

Next time I will go deeper. I want to report that blogging seems normal to me now; it doesn't seem like an imposition on myself, a chore. That's a good thing. I have a long way to go to make it more useful, but it's been a long way to this point.

By the way, this is the 100th post. Cue the roman candles.

Good night, all.

Waste or want not?

I want to report a wasted evening.

How? I played computer games for a while - just little ones here and there. K.O.L.M. and Doodle God. Nothing fantastic (except for the music in K.O.L.M., which was pretty cool). Doodle God is a complete waste of time.

I have the fortune, though, of tempering this sense of waste with the fact that my day was not wasted; that I had a nice time with my roomies this evening; before that, a nice time at the shelter and at the plaza; before that, a nice time with Any and Joe; before that, a nice time reading Four-Hour Body; before that, a nice time singing and playing accordion; that I am spending at least 10 minutes here writing about what I did and how I feel about it; that I will be returning to my practice of zazen after that time and will be resuming it again in the morning, like a book I never finish. I don't waste days anymore. Maybe hours, maybe sections of days, but not days. That much is good. That much is a good change I have entered into my life.

I wanted to write poetry this evening. It's been in the back of my mind for two weeks now, since Leonard. I wrote a tiny little bit, but taking that step to sit down and write - well, it doesn't happen. There is this constant tension; pulling me away. Why can't it work?

Because I don't entirely want it, of course. That's the truth of it. I am sold to the cause of the video game, the pocket world. The sense of... I've never been able to figure it out. The emotional value. It's something we all dance on, but no one has really explained.

A couple things. First, I think it's clear that it's not so much the content of the game that means anything - it's the mood that gets me playing. That is, it could be anything. It's not about the game, the show, the drink, the drug, the whatever. It's about having that hunger, having that need that's important. It's getting to that point where I feel a hole that needs to be filled.

This hole exists in everyone. We all deal with it differently. I think all people are addicted to something; it's just where you stand in relation to the hole that determines how it will affect your personality.

This hole stinks. It reeks with the grimy odor of human failure; need; desperation and all the pity, shame and guilt that go along with it. This is the feces of Selfhood. People don't want to face it. If they see it in others, the first responses are along the lines of fear, judgment, even anger. Finding it in yourself is often pure terror.

Bearing with it through all of this, and not turning away, not rejecting, just sitting with it, could probably work wonders. If this is all that's necessary, then my task is clear, and it is something I am well along the way to being prepared for. I'm not sure, however, if this is all that's necessary for understanding this weakness.

I can go dutifully to the zafu and do my work. But I want to know: what is it? It's a medium; it's a veil placed between me and the world; an emotional intermediary between myself and all the hearts in the space around me. I am impatient that it is still around me. I want to feel fully; I want to love fully; I want to reach out and grasp reality by the hand and not let it go; what's holding me back? Why do I insist on holding back? What do I have to gain by that?

I want to not feel detached and divided when I am sitting in my room, driving around down, doing errands, keeping track of my plants, my finances, my car. I want to feel attached and cohesive when I am talking to people, and not go to pieces, and not be afraid, and not try to be comfortable when it's not necessary, and to make things more comfortable when it is necessary. And let the stream of words emerge on time and focused and with momentum, not shirking conflict and dawdling and retreating.

I don't have enough time in this life for my heart not to be on fire.

Set it off, set it off, set it off, set it off.

Good night, all.

Oh, it's a little late right now

Way late.

Another restless evening alone. I never made it out to Canyon Road. I was not, ultimately, too interested. It would have nice to have gone with friends, but nothing coalesced, and I was not going to try harder than I did.

I had some dinner, played some accordion, zoned out on video games for a while, did some pointless websurfing. Nothing horrible; nothing great.

I will be going to sleep soon. No ceremony this Christmas eve - but then again, when have I ever done anything significant for Christmas? Really, why is this a big deal for me, all of a sudden? Just because I feel lonely, I guess.

Really, Thanksgiving is my holiday. I need to emphasize that again. And I did a shitton for the Winter Solstice, which I've never done before but got quite a lot out of. Christmas? It's a "would be nice" kind of thing, but nothing I really need to worry about.

I had a pretty decent day, though, did some reading in the morning, a good run, then a few good hours spent with Abby and Hannah (she was there just for lunch).

I guess I was hoping for today to be busier, because I wanted to spend some time alone tomorrow, up until 3pm when I stop by the shelter for dinner. I can still do that - nothing's stopping me.

I want to note that I started writing a little melody on my accordion this evening - it made me feel sad and nostalgic. Nostalgia is good and arresting when you are busy - but it's important to remember to grieve for things that have passed away, and then to move on, move on, move on to the maelstrom of delight and sorrow that is the present moment. Ooh, how mystical. But true.

That will be all. I'm not entirely ready to sit quite yet - although it's so late that I will probably be pretty sleepy. But sit I will - in just a few minutes.

Night, all.

Changes change

I feel a little bit of a backslide today.

The past 3 days this week, Monday Tuesday Wednesday, were all very intense. Now on Thursday night things seem a little bit more like they used to.

Example. The past 3 days I had no interest in looking for people on OkCupid. The idea disgusted me. Today, I found myself back to wanting to do that again.

I'm feeling that maybe looking for someone is not what I need to do. Some people say that you need to just be patient, and the right person will come along when you're ready. I agree and I don't. Theoretically this makes sense for human beings. But I don't think it works for shy men in practice; first, because guys are expected to take a more active role in initiating a relationship than women are; second, because shy people need to work harder to get noticed. I could be wrong about this. Of course it's both.

But anyway - taking time for myself is important. Toning down my painful, ever-unsatisfied need for physical affection is important. By toning down, I mean not letting the lack of it make me resent who I am. That's a bad thing to be doing to one's self. I am entirely prone to doing this.

I need to find the benchmark from which I measure myself; the still point from which to observe myself. I am looking far too often in the outside world. This is fruitless. There is no comparison with anyone else, no list of accomplishments that is going to earn my own approval. That task will wear me out. By what standard does somebody judge himself as good?

Of course I know the answer: there is no standard. The act of judging is itself useless. Reality, including myself, is fundamentally without flaw. I am reluctant to say that it is good, but it is good.

I have received a few new books that I ordered a while ago. Two of them are by Tim Ferriss: The Four Hour Workweek and The Four Hour Body. I've been flipping through The Four Hour Body. Google it for an idea of what it is. It's basically an encyclopedia of crash techniques for improving your body in certain ways, such as fat loss, muscle gain, peak athletic performance, and sexual prowess. Tim Ferriss is a very dynamic and intelligent author, maybe a little hyperactive about some things, but ultimately I trust him as a good researcher and thorough experimenter. I'm going to try some of these things. I kind of hate how it was marketed as a way to feel better about yourself and be happy and conquer women. It kind of feeds narcissism. But it seems to offer very well-thought out and efficient ways to improve your health, and I really need to lose about 15 to 20 pounds. I also want to overcome my asthma.

Anyway, I bring this up because of the feeding narcissism thing - the idea of having a better body is kind of intoxicating, and I need to be very cautious about this project. If I focus too much on how this path to better health is going to make things good, I obscure how everything is fundamentally good, without flaw. The fear that believing everything is perfect will lead to inaction does not approach me - it's not true. In my experience (including my current experience), it's actually the belief that some things are perfect and some things aren't that most leads to inaction. Cf. Leonard Cohen's song, "Waiting for the Miracle." This is why obsessions are bad, this is what goes on inside of them, whatever they are about: I am imperfect, this other thing is good, is what I need.

This is stuff I am all too prone too. I don't know how to compare myself with others. I find myself focusing on lack. I get jealous of what other people have (internally, of course), and then I get jealous that they don't get jealous about these things.

Nothing left to do, but just sit with myself. Eventually I'd like to stop feeling so devoid of my own magic. This is what I chose to release at the Solstice Ceremony on Tuesday - the belief that I don't have anything of value inside of me, nothing to please myself, nothing worth my time, nothing impressive. What do I have? I don't know. I don't think this is something you ever really know. But actively believing that I don't have anything is not the truth.

Ok, that will be all for the night. It will take some time before I can refocus things a little more concrete, due to recent changes to the blog. If you want to know juicier bits, talk to me elsewhere; let's have a real conversation.

Good night, all

Ah, some changes

Ok. Here I am. I've been reading and reading and reading past entries of this blog, to get an idea of what I have done. I am also listening to SomaFM's drone zone, which is speedily sinking my mind into oblivion. So: quick, here I go.

I have received a request from a certain someone to not mention her in the blog anymore. I will oblige for the moment. I think this is something impossible to do, ultimately, in a blog whose sole purpose is currently to create a public record of someone working through his feelings, with someone who blows away every conception I have of what it means to have feelings for somebody; something I need to work through. This is my blog after all. But she is uncomfortable with things right now; so I will stop.

I'm realizing now I don't exactly know what guidelines to follow, because at one point she said not to mention her; and then at one point she suggested I use a codename. In thinking about it, I don't think just changing the name makes any sense at all, because it would not make any change in terms of the problems she is having. So, after today, I'm just not going to talk about her for the time being.

The place I want to get to is where I can talk about her, but that there is no heartache and drama to talk about. This is the best solution. I'm going to try to get there.

We'll see how this sticks with me.

And, for the record, I actually do feel better about things. The big Conversation yesterday helped me survey for myself how much I need to let go. I need to stop feeling jealous, feeling bad about myself, all that stuff: the stuff that embarrasses me much more than her. I need to stop that for me, damn it.

I feel really confident that I can. I have had sufficient experience of my own frustration devouring me over the past few months, I don't want it anymore. I'm through with it. I want something better. And I don't have to sacrifice a rich relationship with an astounding person in order to achieve that. Really, it's win-win.

I feel like so many people I work with, who have taken the steps not to be addicted anymore. The ones who actually end up being successes. Actually, I remind me of one person in particular, one of my favorite clients of all time (except I don't have favorites and like all my clients equally). Not going to mention this person's name, either. But he's awesome, and I just heard today he's still doing well. A good person to compare myself to.

So I can say with at least some confidence that there will be no drama to talk about; to get uncomfortable about. Nothing's ever over, especially with me, but the situation is transforming. And I'm happy to blog a little differently. There is the whole unrelenting honesty thing, but of course there are tons of things I don't talk about; I don't have to be obsessed with this one part of my life.

I must admit there is one aspect to my relationship with this person it would do me very, very well to talk about. I might have to come up with a clever way of talking about it without talking about her. Or I could just write about it elsewhere. Or just talk to Abby and also Sam about it. But it's big - it's something I mentioned a few weeks ago, and it's a very, very tender sore spot for me. I take this sensitivity to mean that it's really important and involves ego deconstruction. And this aspect of things is moving sharply into focus, now that I'm clearing out all the anger and depression.

I'll need to figure out what to do later. I need to retire for the night.

Good night.

P.S. I want to extend the invitation to anyone and everyone who reads this to comment - here, through phone, text message, e-mail, facebook, real life - whatever way is best. I would love more feedback. Don't feel pressure - I love silence, too.

P.P.S. Now that I'm taking who my readers are into more consideration, I want to make a little note here for something that may not be clear: there are two people named Sam that I interact with regularly. One is my coworker and one is my therapist. I hope that this cleared things up / there was no confusion in the first place.

Where to begin?

With the end, obviously.

It's late and I'm tired.

What a freakin' day. Seriously. The past two days have been a lot. Very much a lot.

Ok, I'll be brief: My relationship with Sarah - the one that's not a romance - is the most intense, energizing, fucked up, challenging relationship I've ever had. I think part of it is because of a genuine, solid kind of chemistry - whatever that is, exactly. Part of it, I wonder sometimes, could be the fact that she, unlike anyone else, can easily bat aside the defense mechanisms that keep me distanced from other people. Those aren't exactly contradictory.

What's a little edifying here is that although the "unrequited love" nonsense is one-sided, I really don't think anything else is. If it is, then, well, I'm idealizing and making too much of a big deal out of something again. Worse things have happened.

We had a long talk today. A lot was said. I can't get into everything right now. But it was very much a lot, and I need to think about many different things. More later. Perhaps a change in the way I blog here.

Other things happened, too. Good work things. And the Shamanism group went really, really well. I made a few new friends tonight; awesome people.

But I'm going to sleep now.

Good night, all.

A little structure, Part II

On to the next question:

3. What is my greatest as-yet unmet need/desire?

I would say feeling loved. I feel a huge lack of self-confidence, but that is not an immediate desire so much as an understanding of a state of affairs. Love is essential. I want to feel lovable; desirable; needed; all those things. I want a more varied and active sex life. If I were speaking about past lovers in Homeric Greek, I wouldn't be able to use the plural number, I would have to use the dual number. It would be embarrassing. But, phew, I can use plurals in English and no one is the wiser. (Yeah, this is probably one of the geekiest points I've ever made in my life. Way to make me more of a playboy.)

But, seriously, if I could sit and think of the things I want in my life, love is number one. I don't have a career picked out, I am lacking in practice in my talents - it would be good to be talented. I could use more money and a somewhat more stable living/income situation (I have to admit it is not 100% an iron rice bowl at the moment). But if I can find love, especially that elusive, frustrating to define and understand, cliche, impossible, necessary love of myself, I think anything else is possible. Self-forgiveness; self-acceptance. Would be nice. But is that a desire? I think the strongest desire I have right now is to have a close and nurturing relationship with a woman. When I say that, though, it is so clear to me that it's not magic that is going to procure this - all this other stuff about my relationship to myself is much more key. So I'm thinking about this more concrete desire, to be close with a woman, but keeping it in the context of all the other important things that need to come first.

I want to feel good about myself and my life.

Ok, next.

4. What seeds do I want to plant in my inner garden?

I'm assuming that this question is asking me to look further ahead than next year. I think this fits in with my desires. And also with what I mentioned last night. I want to get over this harshness with myself that does not allow the love in. If I can focus on this, it would be great. It's not just about finding romance. This is also about appreciating the present moment. The stuff, the stuff I am realizing is quite brilliant, that my freshly cleared head was focusing on during my long walk on Saturday. Accepting everything that crosses my path in the one moment I am born in, the one moment I die in. To put it nice and poetically.

It's clear, then: my theme for this solstice journey is going to be working through the things that encourage me towards accepting myself and forgiving myself. I use the word love a lot, but I think for the purposes of this kind of thinking, love is too much of a commodity, even in its purest form. This is not about objects, but about the activity of letting go. So I'm phrasing it that way. But accepting myself is also receiving love. It's the same thing.

But back to the nitty gritty.

I did feel rather off today. Is it all this astro(log)nomical stuff going on? I felt really anxious and restless at work, like I couldn't accomplish things. This is of course owing to my feelings about myself - I tend to feel inadequate a lot. I think, as I've mentioned before, that this could be assisted by coming up with a better understanding of my role as case manager, drafting my own mission statement or something like that.

One thing that kind of frightens me is that I have not been paying too much attention to organizing the objects in my life. That is, I could be paying better attention to my car, my closet and its myriad clothes and drawers and things, my office. All these channeler sites, in reference to the solstice/eclipse, suggest you do cleaning, maintenance things. There's still time. I can still work. And, as the title of my post two nights ago indicates, I've been working hard to clean out my heart.

Just as a reminder, what needs cleaning? My relationship with Sarah. My relationship with Alexa could use a little work, too. I have a lot of regrets. The big looming one is my relationship with my Mom. I could try to establish something concrete at work also - it needs to get to a better place.

All the pain inside me. All the self-condemnation and frustration. All the anger I keep inside me. All of it - everything. I want a total cleanse, a total dismantling, a total reconstruction.

Maybe that's a bit dramatic. But I feel that way. There are many other things to focus on, let go. They will come; I will think of them. Self-love, as important as it is, is very abstract. It would be good to focus on each issue as it arises. I think I did a good job of pointing out a few of the important ones here.

With that, I am going temporarily to bed. Getting up to see the eclipse in about 2 hours. Should be good.

Beautiful night, all.

A little structure

I have much to talk about, but I thought I'd make use of my blog to work through a few questions I have been asked to answer for the Winter Solstice Shamanism Gathering on Tuesday. I'll do the first two questions tonight, and then the second two tomorrow.

1. What do I want to release from this past year?

There was a lot of heartache this year, and it brought the bad sides of me into sharp focus. This is my apathetic side and my obsessive side. My little hooks and snares and stumbling blocks. I would like to ease up on these patterns a little bit. I would like to not hurt the Alexas of the world, and I would like to not hurt myself, dashing myself needlessly against the this Sarahs of the world (I hope that phrase makes sense - the this Sarahs of the world). I think this means letting go of a lot of pain that I hold inside, waiting for it to be redeemed. I can redeem it by giving it its freedom. It is this pain I hold onto that makes me forget that I can love and be loved. I want to make room for that. It's crowded in here.

2. What have I learned, gained or harvested this year?

The lessons began, I think, when I signed up for that blacksmithing class. It got me out again, after 6 months or so of doing very little. It was just 2 months, but it brought me into the world again, so to speak. I learned about fire, about heat. I wrote a facebook status about it: you cannot change your life unless your heart is on fire. I think that's true. My life, for several months, had been cold steel. Cold steel cannot be worked. You must take the time to build up a furnace and make it glow before you can shape it. This truth struck me pretty hard, and I think it had a lot to do with breaking up with Alexa.

In breaking up with Alexa, I learned about my dark side, what in me can be cruel, unfeeling and careless. This is a good thing - it keeps me focused on who I actually want to be. I don't want to be that monster. I don't want to be "an evil ex." I want to be able to kindle something; I want to know how to work the furnace in a relationship, in every relationship, in every experience. I want to take responsibility for when things grow cold and really know the difference between "a bad situation" and my own negligence. This takes time and practice; and I am willing to put those in.

Sarah woke me a up a little bit to this energy. But in the dysfunction between us, I have been alerted to how much I project this energy, this fire onto others, how I don't claim it for myself. How can she love me, when I am playing this dance of alienation? How can I be with someone who I cherish, if I don't believe I have any love to give? I am in love with my own energy, my own activity, my own fire.

These are not new thoughts that have entered my mind this year, they are simply being pointed out, with an exclamation point, highlighted.

I gained a lot from my trip to Iceland, also. First of all, the sense of accomplishment, for going through with the challenges I set out for myself. Second, for learning how to make a vacation comfortable, to really treat myself, even when it could have been extremely stressful all the time. And when it was extremely stressful, I'm grateful I was able to learn how to deal with it, how to push through, how to feel warm and motivated and full of hope when the wind was literally shoving me back in the other direction. What a jewel of an experience. It was awesome.

But there is so much more.

Ok, to sum up:

1. Release: pain, feeling like I cannot be loved, feeling that I cannot be open to love. Heartache over Sarah.

2. Things gained: I was taught to own my own strengths, my own energy, my own enthusiasm.

Thanks for bearing with me. In many ways, this is just a draft. It's not quite there yet, a little too superficial. But I know what to think about when I hone in on what I want to say on Tuesday. Tomorrow, the second part, which is actually less intense.

Good evening, all.

Heart Cleaning

Let's see, which morsel from the day's supermarket of ideas should I tack up here tonight.

I have decided that I am done with Sarah. I am ashamed at how long this has gone on. What does this actually mean? Good question. I'm not exactly sure. I think the most I can do for myself is catch myself, find the thoughts that feed this attachment and root them out, when I can. I know that doesn't sound decisive, but it actually takes a lot of resolve to do that; and doing that is essential. Pretending like there is nothing, there is no feeling, would be a bad way to go through with it. That's sort of what happened here. I felt really hurt when she said I couldn't kiss her, and I've been holding on to that wound ever since. I felt betrayed and misled. And my response was not necessarily repression or denial (of the pain), but not really acceptance either. It was a passive state, where sometimes I would acknowledge what had happened, how she actually feels, and other times be hopeful, be in denial. But this wound is getting nasty now, and I need to let it heal. I need to accept that she is not interested in me and move on. And I need to manage this in a professional way, since I am going to have to start doing some training with her at work. A difficult situation.

But I feel like I garnered a little strength for myself this evening. I took a long walk - a Joe Hay (tm) registered long, lonely walk, and I began to settle more comfortably into my loneliness. There is a lot of strength in this. My inability to face my loneliness has been my downfall the past, oh, 3.5 years, ever since dating Alexa. I faced it a little bit this evening, for the first in a very long time. It became clear to me how little thoughts about the future, about women, about sex, about hopeful ideas, can totally ruin the experience, placing something between me and the loneliness. If I just sit with it, or walk with it, and let it be there, things become much more manageable, and I have more resolve, more motivation. This is sort of what I mentioned above, about training my thoughts. Having the thought that I need someone else, or need something else, in order to be happy, is kind of crippling and draining in a very immediate way. Give yourself some space from these kinds of thoughts, and the whole world opens up for you.

Anyway, that's what it could be like. I still feel a little unsettled in my loneliness, but there is something there for me to remember.

I hope this makes sense.

With that, good night.

Of Whack

Feeling out of balance tonight. I had dinner at the intern apartment and played a little music. It was a good time, but I felt grossly under-practiced and generally unimpressive. We did a brilliant rendition of "Wish You Were Here." I'm motivated to do more, however, so it was a success.

I felt a little awkward all night. I don't exactly know why. It is this out-of-whackness, or imbalance I can never quite shake it. The crowning point of the evening was finding out that Sarah's new girlfriend was coming over, so I hastily got my things together and left. I did not want to be there. It would be too painful, and then I wouldn't be enjoying myself.

I feel a lot of anxiety about the build up of holiday gifts I have done nothing with. I will try my best to focus on what I really feel I want to do. I think a lot of the holiday gift stuff I've been doing the past couple of years has been a little too much, maybe not necessarily wanted by the people I've been sending packages to. I am not going to do nothing, but I think I can make it less stressful, still spend some time. After all, my family doesn't really celebrate Christmas or Hannukah or anything. The big holiday for me is Thanksgiving. Anyway, I will do something. I will come up with something appropriate. I will not blow it off entirely.

I wish I could make some headway as to what it would take to feel more balanced. Being more present. Curbing my obsessive behaviors and stirring my apathetic ones. Zazen zazen zazen forever and ever. I feel a little trapped now; unfree. Caught in a place devoid of real appreciation for life. I need to remind myself how often I go around just not feeling right about things. And then ascribing that feeling to a lack of love, a lack of a girlfriend. This is not true, and I can do better.

Today I had a great moment while running; actually this happened a couple times. I sort of lament how much more running I have to do, and wonder how I am going to get through it. So several times today I asked myself to pretend that there was nothing I needed to distract myself from; that the act of running was what I wanted to experience. It doesn't immediately make me feel any better, but it lightens the emotional load a little bit.

This post does not satisfy me, and I could go on and on, but I need to go to bed. It's late. And I want to make it to the Farmer's Market tomorrow to buy carrots and beets for my new juicer. Hooray!

Good night, everyone.

I want to make a correction

Yesterday I said that I didn't want to spend time thinking of reasons why it would not be good to be with Sarah, saying that constant fault-finding is not what I want to do. Well, mea culpa, of course it not being good to be with someone is not the same as fault-finding. My apologies to myself for not making that distinction.

I'm just going to be dumbfounded for a moment about something sticking in my mind: Sarah put her cheek up against mine. Sarah put her cheek up against mine.

The balls on that girl. The nerve.

I'm fucking chatting with her on Facebook right now.

What is this? And why has it come to this?

I'm chatting too much to have any serious thoughts right now. I need to end and go to bed.

Good night, all.

This obsessive behavior. I just need to cool it, really. Cooooooool it. I can cool it. That is largely what zazen is for.

This post is not the best ever. I wish I could write in more detail. Little bits like this are what I have to work with at the moment. I could go deeper.

I just want to love and be loved.

How to deal

Again, I'm tired and it's late. It's kind of redundant and pointless to say that, since that is so often the case when I finally make it to this screen, but it's how I feel, and I'm going to write it down.

So here's a little thread of what happened today.

In the course of a conversation with Lizz, she mentioned in passing that Sarah is in a relationship. First time I heard it. I had to pause for a second. Yes, this struck me. No, it did not strike me as much as I thought it might. My heart did not sink through the floor this time, as it did a couple times before. So I was kind of prepared, and this is not the worst.

But it lingered. I found myself feeling less energetic than normal. Particularly around Sarah. I didn't want to talk loudly. I didn't want to smile (but I did, because I'm always trying to please people). Then we got to Trivia, and I found that I couldn't stand looking at her across the table. So I stole the hat she was wearing (actually Sam's hat) and put it on my head so that the visor blocked her face. Eventually, after like 20 minutes, she figured out that this was doing.

Apparently the hat made me look more dark and emo. I didn't say anything, but I had a moment of recognition, as if to say: hey, I have an emo blog! At any rate, I felt pretty dark and emo. And bitter. I was a little bitter, and I acted that way to Sarah. At some moments, I felt like I wanted to. At other moments, I tried to reign it in. But it was there. This shit hurts. I wish I were over her, but I still look at that as 2nd place to being with her. There are all kinds of reasons why I could say it would not be a good thing, but you can always say that with anyone. And I really don't want to get into that habit. It's not a good activity, this fault-finding.

When I heard that this has been going on for about a week, it was a relief, because we haven't honestly had much chance to talk the past week. This rules out the possibility that she was hiding it from me for a long time, which I was a little afraid of.

And that it's a woman is a relief. It tones down the jealousy. I don't think this needs much of an explanation, but apparently this was confusing to Sarah when I mentioned it to her. It still hurts, the pain of rejection and being passed over like that. But a lot of the fiery jealousy issues only come up when I'm competing with another man. Some of that is psychological, maybe in relating to my own shadow. I don't know. Some of it is: I can't really give her what a woman can, so, in a way, it's fine to me that she is looking for this kind of satisfaction with someone who is not me What any other guy would have that I don't have, on the other hand, is another issue. Not that I'm too concerned about being jealous.

So, I feel in a good place to deal with this. It would be nice to get over her. Maybe her being in a relationship with a woman will actually help me get over her. It's still painful, and a little shameful, but I have some good work I can do in understanding my feelings, what led to this, what will get me out of this. This one-way crush thing is something I could do to understand better, realize what in my character makes me do this. And, actually more importantly, how to respond to it. I think writing will be a good way, whenever it is I will have more time for that.

Finally, I just want to note that I sent out two okcupid messages this morning, and I've been waiting all day for a response. More than normal. Deep down I believe that I won't get a response until I'm not using okcupid messages as a way to vindicate me, as an antidote to the loneliness, unattractiveness and rejection I've been feeling lately. Got to work on those things internally. Duh.

Good night, everyone.

Vegas Subsides in Bleeping Waves

Okay, so I'll attempt a little writing tonight. Then it's zazen and bed for me, as I actually very much need to wake up at 7 tomorrow so I can make a running appointment.

Hopefully I'll have time for a little poetry in there, which is what I was working on last night. I don't feel comfortable talking about it yet; I'll need to see how it evolves.

So the big, simple thing I want to mention first is: Vegas, you just don't thrill me like you used to. I'm sorry baby, but it's true. That chapter in my life is over. I have no interest in gambling, in drinking, in desperate displays. I think the climax of this feeling was right before the second Leonard Cohen concert (yes, we went to both concerts. They were both wonderful and amazing, and I actually wept at the first one - I didn't tell Abby. The song? The Gypsy's Wife. Why? Not sure exactly. In My Secret Life and Boogie Street were pretty powerful for me, too).

[Stops writing to play on youtube - originally playing The Gypsy's Wife, but somehow, for some reason, looking at videos of the Webb Sisters.]

So before the concert I rushed over from Caesar's Palace to the Mirage so I could watch the new volcano display. Because why not? I powerwalked over there, waited a few minutes, saw some steam and water and fireballs for 5 minutes set to Mickey Hart's drumming, then powerwalked back. Abby asked me: How was it? My answer: Stupid. It was really, really stupid.

Now let me say, I had a similar experience my first time in Vegas. That time with the Sexy Pirate Show in front of Treasure Island. That is really, really, really stupid. Triple-really. Much more stupid than the volcano show. But somehow, the volcano show meant something different. The Sexy Pirate Show was a brief waste of time in a several-day trip of exciting and interesting things. When I saw the volcano show, not only was it stupid in that moment, but it made all of Las Vegas seem hollow to me.

It's just not the same. I don't think I was deceived in the past, when I was so fascinated by everything. I just think that those lessons are over. Vegas, to me, was a little bit of an eye-opener in terms of both creative energy, and the powerful feeling that comes from risk and lavishness. Good things to know about, to observe. It helped me look at a few issues and grow in new ways, particularly opening up the idea to me that I could be powerful, could make decisions and could create a feast for myself and the people around me. Vegas was like an ever churning pot of ideas and fantasies made reality; where the pleasure lurking inside of you gets a breath of fresh air. I am by no means a party animal, which makes it even laughable for me to be saying this concept applies to me, but even in my quiet, subtle way I could feel this.

I knew the dangers. As Sam phrased it this morning, the danger is getting trapped in fantasy worlds. Real empowerment, real creativity and real passion get stunted within the borders of a fantasy. Feeling needs to grow in the open. This makes a lot of sense to me. In fact, I felt sad this morning thinking about how much of my life is spent in these fantasy worlds.

But I knew about them back then. I was just not ready to leave them; I still had more business inside of them. But now I don't. Which is great. Which is fantastic. Which is the best news ever. As I was leaving this morning, Sam made a point of reminding me: it's a good thing you don't feel much of a push to gamble any more. I get this. I got it then, a little bit. I knew that this push to feel excited, to inhabit the fantasy worlds, was not a good thing, but I couldn't really see how. Similarly I could see that it was hurting Alexa, but not really understanding how or why. Though not well enough. These trips were actually not too pleasant, relationship wise. And I can see why, and I'm sorry I was not able to give up the things that made it shitty for both of us. Another reason to be sad; another reason to be happy I can move on.

My first time in Vegas, all I could feel was the frenetic rush to look at everything, be everywhere, do everything. Wanting something great, something vague, and, of course, not really getting it.

This time, all I wanted was intimacy, closeness, quietness. Again: sad that I did so much to spoil that, happy I can move on now.

That's plenty for tonight.

Good night, all.

On paper

So much to write tonight, but I would prefer to spend more time writing on paper. I'd like to gather some thoughts into something more refined.

Vegas bore a lot for me. I feel a lot different after than before. In fact, much more different than when I went to Iceland. Why? Not sure. A lot to process. Abby did, in fact, say that seeing Leonard live is life changing... But more on that later.

Also, I want to thank Nick for contacting me. He shared quite a bit, too, and it makes me feel like this blog is maybe a little valuable to other people. Let's all keep working on this stuff! These emotions, geez...

That's going to be it for tonight. A tease.

Have a good night, everyone.

Grinding and churning

I am participating in the PM version of not getting up in the morning: the pointless grinding of various apparatuses in my mind, like a humming factory that produces nothing.

Going from various sites, mainly Facebook and OkCupid tonight, while my bedtime gets pushed back farther and farther, not enjoying anything, not coming up with anything. What a waste!

I could at least be practicing blackjack. Really.

What am I looking for? What am I waiting for? Love, on the internet, in the random thoughts of my mind?

It's definitely a feeling of lacking something.

A lack of ease, a lack of flow. A lack of being loved, of being warm, of being okay, of being full (as opposed to empty). A lack of light, a lack of rest. A lack of contentment. Lack.

I want to break through the threshold. I want physical affection, I want intimacy, I want to feel loved. I want to know what it takes to let the love in. I wish I knew how to do that. It seems like something I can do directly, but is it?

As I write this, my senses are overwhelmed with the feeling, taste and smell of a warm can of tea I bought from a machine in Tokyo, walking through this nice little neighborhood near Akihabara or Asakusa with Alexa. There was festival music playing on speakers hung like streetlights. The buildings were squat and gray, but the plants in the little gardens and the dusty wares in the little shops made it feel close and alive for some reason.

Why am I returning so much to that one day, which I mentioned before too long ago? (It was actually my 2nd full day in Tokyo, I recalled after writing that post.) What was it, about that? The photos from this walk, which was so significant to me in some way, are on my facebook account. The neighborhood I just mentioned is featured in the third photo of the Tokyo: Act I album. What was so significant about this one day?

More to think about.

Ok, off to a tiny bit of Vegas planning, then zazen, then bed.

Good night!

P.S. I want to add that it seems to me that making room for urgent, unconscious imagery is probably the very thing I need to do to master all these time wasting activities. After all, I am searching for something unconsciously.

Let me try that again...

Ok, so disregard the last post.

I mean, I'm keeping it up for the sake of keeping it there and being honest about how what I think, what I feel and how it changes. But it's no longer what I mean to say about this situation.

I am not going to do this anymore. There has to be another way. I'm not going to hold on to this nonsense. It's not what I mean to do. I can do better than to set my mind churning about power struggles. It's stupid. Reaching out too easily is stupid, too, but I don't have to do that. I can just say what I feel and then keep whatever distance is most comfortable. But no more blockades and battlements. Enough of that.

A lot of what I have gone through with Sarah is complete bullshit, and I don't think she has completely grasped that. But she is a human being, too, and she cares about me. And I do care about her. This is what's most important. Whatever grandiose story I compose is up to me to master on my own time.

In the meantime, the real time, there can be a real connection, with no ideals, no resentment, no drama. That is what I want. This is the person I want to be.

Good night!

"Ap-" & "Trans-"

So, 'parently I've been spending the past 45 minutes reviewing Blackjack Basic Strategy. Oh boy. I still don't have to do anything. It just feels good to have that shit down.

And also, 'parently, Sarah has been ignoring me. I can't say whether it is intentional or not. Who am I to say why? I don't really know. For my part, I am left with a decision - do I contact or not? You see, this changes things. She is no longer, or at least not today, aggressively pursuing my attention. I've been complaining for a while that she was doing so, with no let up, having no sympathy for my need to let things cool off a bit. And here I am, where this is happening, and I feel the lack of her attention. I'm tempted to contact her, to poke her for a response. The choice is squarely in my hands. Is this what I want to do, to re-engage?

It seems like an abrupt change to me. What are her intentions, if there are any? I'm so curious. But, of course, I need to remember that a lot of this curiosity, about what she thinks of me, is maybe normal but probably not healthy - I'm too dependent on her opinion. This is how she wins me over, again and again.

God, this sounds like a monologue a teenager should be having.

Her little Facebook bubble has been active all night. Waiting. Like a predator. Of course, I've been on, too.

Now I'm thinking - I'm going to just go to bed. Get to bed right on time, have a good night's sleep, have a good morning.

In normal circumstances, by making this move, I'm taking a position of power. It feels like the power dynamic is shifting. But, of course, I have a bleeding heart, and here's my blog for her and anyone else to see, where clearly I'm thinking about her. An electronic thought bubble, betraying my every move. So be it. That's how I want to be, anyway. No more secrets.

I can wait until tomorrow. What's the worst case scenario? Well, if she has somehow, all of a sudden, completely lost all respect for me, I guess. That would suck.

What if she's just waiting for me to say hello, and then I would win the world, and if I don't, then I lose it? Dear God, the most insane thing to think. Completely undermines everything. The "what if" / "if only" scenario. This is what grinds people to powder.

Note: clearly I'm not that much in a position of power, if I'm experiencing all this anxiety.

I'm going to stop thinking about this for now.

Dear Readers, I know you exist, and I know that many of you have my phone number; so, if you could, I would appreciate a text message with some advice, or encouragement, or admonishment, or anything like that.

Thank you, and good night.

The best food to eat when you're going gluten free is

paella.

Anyway, I woke up feeling very depressed. Bad thoughts.

Went to work. Right when I got in, a non-Sarah co-worker chatted with me very briefly, and I felt worth someone's time, and I felt so much better. Going to work just made me feel better, despite not wanting to be there and intricately planning what I was going to do when I was inevitably going to feel overwhelmed and need to take a mental health day. (Chinese food; nap; hike; ten thousand waves. Not a bad day off, eh?)

I've been feeling a lot of stress concerning my job performance, and I decided I would talk to Maria about it. She came up with an interesting idea: she asks that I consult with predecessor Shane Lampman once a week, in kind of an hour-long case management of my case management. I think it's a great idea. We both decided that the two of us should meet more often to discuss my work; that way her opinion gets to me before it begins taking up so much time at the staff meeting, and I get a sufficient amount of feedback to not feel like I'm free-falling in the dark reaches of space all the time.

So I just went to work all day. That's it. I stayed nearly an hour later than I had planned so that I can justify arriving nearly an hour later tomorrow, giving me time to visit the Santa Fe Violin Shop and get those repairs underway. It's cutting it close, but maybe they can get it done before Thursday night, and I can take my fiddle with me to Vegas so I can properly and musically shmooze with all the Leonard Cohen groupies. I'm thinking of actually not taking my accordion. I've been practicing the past few days, but I don't think I'm ready for prime time. I can manage myself on the violin in most situations, and I really love improvising with people playing guitars, etc. I do a good job of it. We'll see.

Also, I think I'm not really going to gamble this weekend. That's what I'm feeling now. We'll see how the shuffling, clinking sound of the chips affects me once I'm back over there. Maybe some finagled free slot play or something.

Hmm. So much to do. I wanted to write some poetry tonight. I still can. But it's pretty much bedtime already. I got home two hours ago. Spent a lot of time doing PRODUCTIVE things on the internet: writing messages to old friends; getting info on the winter solstice shamans' circle I'll be attending; researching more meditation groups; making the decision to keep my soul patch long like it has been or trim it back again (I trimmed it back again). And other things. There is time to fit in some writing, if I want to. After zazen, I think it will be.

Ok, but I've got to attempt some nugget of depth before I log off.

I feel very restrained about projections today. My job is chaotic and full of tons of people, clients and coworkers and donors, and I dislike some and love others and have crushes on several. There are all these opportunities to get caught up. Often I do. Today, I was fine just being where I was and doing where I was, talking to residents, making ... *shudder* ... phone calls (my least favorite part of my job), doing a little paperwork, eating delicious paella and mounds and mounds of mizuna. There were so many opportunities to get hooked and lined on all kinds of things. Not just the crushes, mind you, but real arguments with angry people. My adrenaline got pumping when I was working with this one guy who really did not want to be there, and certainly did not want to be told he needed to get a job if he wanted housing. This guy is full of all kinds of pain, and I know that in the past he has taken it out, physically, on others. And I'm sitting in my roller chair telling him he needs to do the depressing task of finding lame, part-time work because he won't be able to pay his rent if he doesn't have money. And of course he already knows this, and he gets pissed for hearing it from me, as he's heard it from so many other social workers and POs in his past. Eventually I lead the conversation down a different alley, and we come to a good conclusion. But for a few minutes I can feel the rage and frustration in this guy as an actual, physical wave in the room, and I'm totally caught up in it, my heart beating and my spine tingling. I focus on my breath, so things calm down a bit, but the sense that some powerful emotion has taken place still lingers for the rest of the session. Working with people is alive.

It's a pity to say so, but after writing all of that, I have to say: no, the whole issue with the women in my life is much more interesting to me. It's a sad fact, but true, and not to be discarded just because of disapprobation. I am giving too much power to women. Everyone does. It permeates the entire shelter in this strange way - I see it in the way the men act. It's a phenomenon of devaluing men. It's a male self-esteem issue that I think needs to get addressed more broadly in our culture. It would behoove me to come up with a new way of dealing with this issue, especially considering my job. For the time being, I'm stuck in old patterns. But I've got my eye on it. I'm working through these tangles ever so slowly, but working through them, eventually getting to a humane ground. Or, in less idealistic terms and in more personal terms, getting to a point where I am happy with myself.

Good night.

Stirring the bottom of the pot

I had a pretty good day, today, all things considered.

I went to Mountain Cloud. There was a morning sitting from 9 to 11. One guy from one of the groups who meet there showed up; his name is Chris, and he did not give a name for his group that I remember. I don't think it has one. A guy visiting from Colorado stopped by, too. It was his first time.

Impressions? It's a really great property. The Zendo is decent enough and has lots of windows. Kinhin was outside, which was nice. Chris is a good guy; takes charge of things and is neither exceptionally chatty or exceptionally silent. It seems he has been involved in Zen for a long time; for a while he was ordained by Joshu Sasaki (the Mt. Baldy guy) as a teacher. He has since then forsaken his robes, but he continues to practice on his own.

What you might have guessed already is that I was a little disappointed in how few people were there. My zen practice is pretty strong for what it is, but what I need is to expand my practice to include more work with more people. One other person is not nothing, of course. But more would be more ideal. There supposedly are more people who practice with The Group, which I'm guessing is mostly Soto. There is also a Rinzai group that meets on Sundays; they will even be holding a Sesshin in about six weeks. Something to consider.

Without having met more of The Group, from what I can gather about the state of repair of the building; how many people show up; and other details that came up in conversation with Chris; from all of this it seems that The Group is very informal. This is fine in itself. I just wonder if I want more of a support system in my practice, something strong to make my practice take more root in me. In other words, I'm concerned that it might not be challenging enough.

It could be fine, though. Chris suggests he might want to start doing easy-to-schedule weekend-long Sesshins maybe once a month. This would be great. Brad Warner is my literary-only zen teacher of choice. According to Brad, serious Zen students should:
1. Practice zazen every day, preferably twice a day
2. Practice with others on a somewhat regular basis
3. Attend a Sesshin of at least 2 days, at least once a year
4. At least vaguely consider the precepts.

I have got step 1 down, and visiting Mountain Cloud is working toward 2, and even 3 if things pan out. 4 seems doable, if I think about it, but I'm not thinking about it quite yet. The precepts aren't very real to me; I think if I work on the other items, it will create more of a context for them.

So I did that this morning. It was the longest sitting period I've had since Japan - 3 30-minute periods separated by 2 10-minute kinhin periods. It did not seem overwhelming at all. I could have gone longer, definitely. The problem with my longest sittings in Japan was that they were right before bedtime, and I always had to struggle to stay awake. In the morning, it's easier. It was very nice.

Then I had lunch, then I read the rest of Zen, Wrapped in Karma, Dipped in Chocolate, then I took a nap, then I went running, then I took a shower, then I saw Harry Potter 7 again with Elea and Paige, then I went shopping at TJs, then I had dinner, then I read about running a little bit then ---- reading old e-mails on the internet and thinking about myself and being nostalgic about both real and unfulfilled relationships. Then this!

That's my day. A good day...

...yet still I feel pretty crappy.

I'm so bent on viewing myself as unlovable and my life as empty because of that. I don't want to do what it takes to change this, because I insist that I need to feel this love before that can happen. And yet, because I feel so destitute, I do things that shut out this love. This is an endless cycle, until I choose to alter one of its stages.

There is no logical reason to feel good about one's self. It just happens or it doesn't. Or you just "choose" to or you don't. Either way it's spontaneous; it cannot arise from logical thinking. I would love to make that choice, but I just feel like a fallen one when it comes to emotional situations. I get really hopeless these days about ever being happy. It's too much work, and I have to spend most of my time and energy dealing with my job. I really want to surpass this feeling, by doing all the many, many things I do to work on my emotional issues. Really, I'm doing so much these days. It's great, actually. But it doesn't seem like enough. The same old armor is there; the same patterns continue; the same old broken, leaky heart getting run down day after day.

Fortunately, I relinquish control of this situation for about an hour every day, some days (like today) a little more. That's something to get me above the cycle, I guess.

I've written a lot, a bit errantly. But they are my words tonight.

Good night.

Nostalgia / Jealousy

It was an interesting morning.

Zazen went well. During the course of it I found myself entering into anger about Sarah. Like a cloud, I cloud pass through this anger with ease, and it vanished pretty quickly. Next up, as if it was hidden inside this anger, was the memory of my first (full) day in Japan, when Alexa and I wandered from Akihabara around the neighborhoods just east of the Sumida river; Ryogoku and Sumida; then back west, up to Asakusa. It was terribly nostalgic, and I shed tears. For some reason I focused on the memory of sitting on the steps of a memorial dedicated to people who had died in an earth quake. For some reason, that was an important moment. I can't say why. But the feeling was there and real and strong.

I had a good morning after this. I had a good time at the farmer's market. I felt more social than I usually do, and I ended up even chatting a little bit with a pottery vendor. He was an interesting old guy; his work is really amazing, and I ended up buying a couple pieces for Mary. The coloration is so fascinating. I find I could stare at them for hours. Definitely I will be coming back for more; probably as Christmas presents. But, anyway, it was a good feeling to focus on interacting with my environment, rather than feeling detached from it. I was not more or less connected this morning - the emphasis here is that I was not focusing on being alienated. Good thing to remember. Something to shoot for.

Something I do shoot for, in fact. With that in mind, I go to Zazen. It will be sleepy, but so be it. Tomorrow I'm going to visit Mountain Cloud; see if this is a group I want to be a part of. I haven't been back to Kando's group and, the more I've thought about it, the less I like the whole spiel. It's not outrageously terrible, but Kando's group is not what I am actively looking for: a group I can feel like I'm involved in as an equal. We'll see how it goes.

I want to write deeper; there is so much going on, but I always end up starting here so late.

Okay, one thing, then I'm going to zazen and bed.

I think some of my feelings for Sarah are getting distilled a little bit. That is to say, this situation is very complicated; there are a lot of projections and other things going on. So now one of these projections (or really a group of projections) is growing very clear to me. That's what I mean by distilling - a purifying process where different emotions are separated from one another.

What is this group of feelings? Ooh, it's a little sore to talk about in detail. But I can say in a general way that I don't just want to be close to Sarah; I am very jealous about who she is and what she does with her life. Ouch - this hurts to talk about - makes me feel very broken. I am realizing more and more these days that I have a habit of confusing my cause and effect reaction to a situation with an experience of a deeper feeling that exists between me and another person. This means that, very often, I feel the same way as a person because the feeling is essentially mutual. I might try to interpret it as my reaction, but it might just be something there, between us.

So it might be like this with this jealousy. I know she participates in it; I can feel it in her. It is our jealousy that we both create. I must ask myself: why am I feeling this way? What am I doing to contribute to it? Most importantly: do I want to continue to feel this way?

Just thought I'd note.

Good night.

Fine. I'll do it.

I'm going to be positive tonight. For no real reason. No ecstatic revelation; no heights of romance; nothing even really exciting happened today. Just feel the need to be upbeat.

Zazen has been dee-licious the past few days. My morning session has always made sense to me; but now there is even no chance for the evening session to go away.

Washing my travel mug, an act that takes about 45 seconds, somehow seemed really nice and relaxing this evening, too. I hope that makes sense to everyone.

Yes, blogging is ever so helpful and good to do, as well.

And I'd like to just say how great it is to hang out with Abby. I really feel comfortable with myself when I'm with her. What a great time we had this afternoon. She did something really brave today, and I feel like I didn't tell her enough how great that was. It was amazing.

Look at that: four positive things.

Back to the over-analysis tomorrow!

Have wonderful dreams, everyone.

Be the problem you have with the world

So Zen teaching informs me that I am the problem. Intellectually, you can poke this bit of wisdom with a stick, wondering if this is wise or insanely self-deprecating.

I want to note tonight that this indecision about the issue is everything that has felt unbalanced for me in the past 3 years, the time when I have began to draw into myself responsibility for my life.

Okay, I acknowledge that I am the problem. That can be liberating, but used incorrectly, it is really a heavy burden to put on myself. I think I've been using it incorrectly.

There were a few shining moments - I can even remember the exact look of the Sodo at Chokaisan Zendo when I had that brief illumination - when I think I slipped into the positive aspect of this admission: I am the problem. I've been getting at it a little bit these past few days.

But I need to remember how much I've been dwelling in the negative. What is the essence of the negative aspect or malfunction of this teaching? The dizzying sense that even though I know I am in control, I continue to choose to put myself in such harsh situations, think negative thoughts, make poor use of my time, choose to feel tired and powerless and useless and unattractive. It makes the idea of choice confusing to me. Why would I choose these things, if I really had a choice, and there are no real obstacles? If there are obstacles, then it's not really my choice to believe these things about myself. I can only indirectly affect them by removing the obstacles, maybe. In many ways, I am suspicious that, as great as the idea of free will is a good antidote to earnest beliefs in powerlessness, on a microscopic, molecular level, free will and control over life are both illusions.

I don't think all these thoughts are really where I want to go, but I'm not going to delete them. I'll leave this post as a rough sketch. Having negative thoughts is, in itself, an ugly thing. I am not afraid that these thoughts are real - I'm afraid of making them public and being pinned down as depressed and self-loathing, which is the self-expression equivalent of drawing stink lines around yourself. And why shouldn't I be afraid? Any expression of emotion in my house would lead to a diagnosis of some kind. (For those who don't know, my dad is a psychiatrist and my mom was a psychologist.) It was actually not that bad - really, I can't use this as an excuse for what are ultimately my choices of how to view myself - but it's interesting to make this connection. It makes it a little funny. Everything I did was kind of analyzed - not in a terribly cartoony, self-conscious Freudian-jargon spouting way - but in a kind of subtle way, like there was this extra thought process going on when my parents responded to my most emotional moments, rather than just relating to me. I ended up in therapy when I was about 8 - I guess for depression, but I don't really know why. I didn't understand why I was there or what was going on. All I remember is playing on the therapist's computer and having cute little philosophical conversations appropriate for an 8-year-old - nothing really deep. Did it help? Was it really necessary? What did I want at the time?

As I write this, I can feel this vague sense of disappointment in myself - being too wordy, not getting to the point. Then up comes the resentment that it is so easy for me to do things wrong, to go astray. The path should have been outlined better, there should have been a handrail, blah blah blah. What about choice? Where's the choice in it? There is a choice in this, but I just can't see it - - -

I am so fucking eager to see the choice in this - where is it? Show me what the stakes are. Please.

I go to observe the small patch of sheets for 20 minutes.

Good night.

Okay, a couple real things.

So for this far too late post, I'm going to just write a few nuggets of important things. Re: conversation with Sarah yesterday.

This conversation was epic and should have been recorded for posterity. Any attempt to talk about it is going to have to be in nuggets. It was, according to Sarah, very scattered and circular. I agree. The girlfriends I've had would say that a lot. This makes me feel pretty lousy, very messy, like I screwed things up. I guess I normally try to clean up the messy, but really messy is just reality. I want to note there are very distinct reasons why sometimes conversations can get like that with me, feeling like they're not going anywhere. I think a lot of it has to do with what I mentioned yesterday: feeling so wrong. I take so many things so, so personally, I am left trying to both think about what to say and process emotions. If I slowed things down a bit, I feel the conversation would also feel more ordered.

What was said? The basic point is that Sarah noticed I was withdrawing from her company, and this distressed her. I was trying to formulate a complaint, but I really was never able to do it. I am left feeling today that there is no complaint. This is, again, as I mentioned yesterday, how I function. I am tremendously geared toward rethinking things. If there is any occasion for me to rethink something, I will. Letting an idea stand is abhorrent to me on some level. It must always be changing; reevaluation must be constant. And so if Sarah says that there is no good reason for me to be upset, then I try to adapt according to that perspective.

Whether Sarah is right or wrong is almost irrelevant at that point - the point is that I find it so difficult to really come up with a position from inside myself. When she asked me what exactly I meant, when I told her that it feels like she's crossing boundaries with me, I had no answer. I don't know how to describe it adequately, even right now. It would be good to do so.

Yes, putting off till later. It's time for zazen then bed. I want to note first that I left the conversation feeling like it was too much, that I needed to just stop analyzing and just live it. This was from my own feeling, but Sarah mentioned it. I did not. I naturally want to keep going until I can't go anymore. Why stop before we all feel great about it? It's kind of an insanity; kind of an inability to accept the messiness of the situation. Sometimes it's good to just stop. There is a lot I still disagree with, a lot I feel I need to understand about the two of us, but I can accept this one point pretty simply and must keep it in mind: I can't go on forever talking about it, and I don't need to. There is something mysterious about it. It stings me to hear these words, that I should know, from her, but they are true. It feels like something I should know already. But here I am, obsessing again, trying to grasp everything. I thought I was done with this shit, Sarah! Well, here it is, a treasure trove of unresolved issues I had locked away. Maybe it's just good enough to bring them into the light a bit, to air out dirty laundry?

Good night.