Quiet Pond

I haven't felt a tremendous need to blog lately; sitting here and starting to type feels good, though, so the commitment is still here.

The idea of self-determination is coursing through my head these days. This is what I have been approaching for years. Some might call it living actively as compared with living passively, but I like to look at it as living neither actively nor passively. I think getting too attached to your own sense of control is the danger of viewing yourself as living actively. Of course, I shouldn't really be talking, because I tip towards the passive end of the scale.

Whichever way you look at it, passivity is an illusion I need to disabuse myself of. Hopelessness is an illusion - a temptation to have the world prepared to your liking, and the tremendous crash when it isn't.

I was impressed with my conversation with okcupid connection Penelope [the name has been changed]. I am truly looking forward to meeting her; wanting to meet her, not desperately needing to. Big difference. She is 7 years older than I am; but I think in this case it's not too much of a big deal. Although, there are certain details of her life that put us in different places a little bit - maybe in the future the differences will seem greater; I'm not sure. I can't rest on any fantasy anymore; I can't afford it. But reading her profile and talking to her yesterday, I have at the very least learned what I look for in a woman: likes to travel and interested in other languages/culture; relatively outdoorsy in a hippyish, earthy kind of way; interested in self-growth; capable of philosophical conversation. She is also strikingly mature, emotionally. It's both admirable and comfortable at the same time - I know there will be a good lack of drama.

I hope I stack up well enough for her. There is no way around it: she is definitely more mature than I am. I still buy into drama, obviously. I want to think "Well, it's my money, I don't have to buy into it if I don't want to" - which is true, but hard in practice. I'm not exactly intimidated - she is too respectful and warm a person, it seems, to really be intimidating. But I just wonder if I will hold up, is all.

We'll see what happens. In the interest in recording feelings, emotions and intuitions: I found myself shivering when I first messaged Penelope. Let's see how this pans out.

Scheduling has been a little difficult, especially since my Saturday is looking to be incredibly busy, what with sweat-lodges and possible poker games. But hopefully we will meet on Thursday.

I'm communicating with someone else from okc, let's call her Hera. Hera certainly seems like a fascinating person - she is also adventurous and interested in self-growth. I know less about her, since we haven't chatted yet. She should be calling me any minute now. She says on her profile she's not looking for anything serious, so I'm happy to head down to Albuquerque and meet her.

[Talks to Hera on the phone.]

Ok, I like her. She's chill and really easy to talk to. Incidentally, she has the same voice as Amber Nichols.

I want to get to know more about her - and I will, this weekend. More info to follow.

Important note: it would do me good, and it would do these ladies and any other people and all other people good for me to figure out what I want. That distinction sticks to me, the one Alexa used. Figuring out what I want, not who I want. I am on the road to this. Sam and I worked this out a little bit this morning, and he found it so important that he photocopied his notes of what I said and gave me an article to read about what to do about it. To do about getting myself to know what I want, that is. I want to read the article and process it a little bit first, but the photocopy is definitely going up on this blog.

That will be an object of focus, maybe for January of next year: what I want. "30 Days of Wanting" or something like that.

I am swerving slowly towards this point, where I determine myself by identifying what I want. Hoorah for practical, concrete steps toward maturity.

Diet note: I thought I could get away with carrot juice, but, until I hear otherwise, I'm thinking it's too sugary for this diet. So out it goes. I made celery/kale juice this morning. It tasted so... healthy. Really, really healthy. That is all.

Good night, me, ladies, other people and all people.