I have decided that I am done with Sarah. I am ashamed at how long this has gone on. What does this actually mean? Good question. I'm not exactly sure. I think the most I can do for myself is catch myself, find the thoughts that feed this attachment and root them out, when I can. I know that doesn't sound decisive, but it actually takes a lot of resolve to do that; and doing that is essential. Pretending like there is nothing, there is no feeling, would be a bad way to go through with it. That's sort of what happened here. I felt really hurt when she said I couldn't kiss her, and I've been holding on to that wound ever since. I felt betrayed and misled. And my response was not necessarily repression or denial (of the pain), but not really acceptance either. It was a passive state, where sometimes I would acknowledge what had happened, how she actually feels, and other times be hopeful, be in denial. But this wound is getting nasty now, and I need to let it heal. I need to accept that she is not interested in me and move on. And I need to manage this in a professional way, since I am going to have to start doing some training with her at work. A difficult situation.
But I feel like I garnered a little strength for myself this evening. I took a long walk - a Joe Hay (tm) registered long, lonely walk, and I began to settle more comfortably into my loneliness. There is a lot of strength in this. My inability to face my loneliness has been my downfall the past, oh, 3.5 years, ever since dating Alexa. I faced it a little bit this evening, for the first in a very long time. It became clear to me how little thoughts about the future, about women, about sex, about hopeful ideas, can totally ruin the experience, placing something between me and the loneliness. If I just sit with it, or walk with it, and let it be there, things become much more manageable, and I have more resolve, more motivation. This is sort of what I mentioned above, about training my thoughts. Having the thought that I need someone else, or need something else, in order to be happy, is kind of crippling and draining in a very immediate way. Give yourself some space from these kinds of thoughts, and the whole world opens up for you.
Anyway, that's what it could be like. I still feel a little unsettled in my loneliness, but there is something there for me to remember.
I hope this makes sense.
With that, good night.
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