Of Whack

Feeling out of balance tonight. I had dinner at the intern apartment and played a little music. It was a good time, but I felt grossly under-practiced and generally unimpressive. We did a brilliant rendition of "Wish You Were Here." I'm motivated to do more, however, so it was a success.

I felt a little awkward all night. I don't exactly know why. It is this out-of-whackness, or imbalance I can never quite shake it. The crowning point of the evening was finding out that Sarah's new girlfriend was coming over, so I hastily got my things together and left. I did not want to be there. It would be too painful, and then I wouldn't be enjoying myself.

I feel a lot of anxiety about the build up of holiday gifts I have done nothing with. I will try my best to focus on what I really feel I want to do. I think a lot of the holiday gift stuff I've been doing the past couple of years has been a little too much, maybe not necessarily wanted by the people I've been sending packages to. I am not going to do nothing, but I think I can make it less stressful, still spend some time. After all, my family doesn't really celebrate Christmas or Hannukah or anything. The big holiday for me is Thanksgiving. Anyway, I will do something. I will come up with something appropriate. I will not blow it off entirely.

I wish I could make some headway as to what it would take to feel more balanced. Being more present. Curbing my obsessive behaviors and stirring my apathetic ones. Zazen zazen zazen forever and ever. I feel a little trapped now; unfree. Caught in a place devoid of real appreciation for life. I need to remind myself how often I go around just not feeling right about things. And then ascribing that feeling to a lack of love, a lack of a girlfriend. This is not true, and I can do better.

Today I had a great moment while running; actually this happened a couple times. I sort of lament how much more running I have to do, and wonder how I am going to get through it. So several times today I asked myself to pretend that there was nothing I needed to distract myself from; that the act of running was what I wanted to experience. It doesn't immediately make me feel any better, but it lightens the emotional load a little bit.

This post does not satisfy me, and I could go on and on, but I need to go to bed. It's late. And I want to make it to the Farmer's Market tomorrow to buy carrots and beets for my new juicer. Hooray!

Good night, everyone.