Grinding and churning

I am participating in the PM version of not getting up in the morning: the pointless grinding of various apparatuses in my mind, like a humming factory that produces nothing.

Going from various sites, mainly Facebook and OkCupid tonight, while my bedtime gets pushed back farther and farther, not enjoying anything, not coming up with anything. What a waste!

I could at least be practicing blackjack. Really.

What am I looking for? What am I waiting for? Love, on the internet, in the random thoughts of my mind?

It's definitely a feeling of lacking something.

A lack of ease, a lack of flow. A lack of being loved, of being warm, of being okay, of being full (as opposed to empty). A lack of light, a lack of rest. A lack of contentment. Lack.

I want to break through the threshold. I want physical affection, I want intimacy, I want to feel loved. I want to know what it takes to let the love in. I wish I knew how to do that. It seems like something I can do directly, but is it?

As I write this, my senses are overwhelmed with the feeling, taste and smell of a warm can of tea I bought from a machine in Tokyo, walking through this nice little neighborhood near Akihabara or Asakusa with Alexa. There was festival music playing on speakers hung like streetlights. The buildings were squat and gray, but the plants in the little gardens and the dusty wares in the little shops made it feel close and alive for some reason.

Why am I returning so much to that one day, which I mentioned before too long ago? (It was actually my 2nd full day in Tokyo, I recalled after writing that post.) What was it, about that? The photos from this walk, which was so significant to me in some way, are on my facebook account. The neighborhood I just mentioned is featured in the third photo of the Tokyo: Act I album. What was so significant about this one day?

More to think about.

Ok, off to a tiny bit of Vegas planning, then zazen, then bed.

Good night!

P.S. I want to add that it seems to me that making room for urgent, unconscious imagery is probably the very thing I need to do to master all these time wasting activities. After all, I am searching for something unconsciously.