1. What do I want to release from this past year?
There was a lot of heartache this year, and it brought the bad sides of me into sharp focus. This is my apathetic side and my obsessive side. My little hooks and snares and stumbling blocks. I would like to ease up on these patterns a little bit. I would like to not hurt the Alexas of the world, and I would like to not hurt myself, dashing myself needlessly against the this Sarahs of the world (I hope that phrase makes sense - the this Sarahs of the world). I think this means letting go of a lot of pain that I hold inside, waiting for it to be redeemed. I can redeem it by giving it its freedom. It is this pain I hold onto that makes me forget that I can love and be loved. I want to make room for that. It's crowded in here.
2. What have I learned, gained or harvested this year?
The lessons began, I think, when I signed up for that blacksmithing class. It got me out again, after 6 months or so of doing very little. It was just 2 months, but it brought me into the world again, so to speak. I learned about fire, about heat. I wrote a facebook status about it: you cannot change your life unless your heart is on fire. I think that's true. My life, for several months, had been cold steel. Cold steel cannot be worked. You must take the time to build up a furnace and make it glow before you can shape it. This truth struck me pretty hard, and I think it had a lot to do with breaking up with Alexa.
In breaking up with Alexa, I learned about my dark side, what in me can be cruel, unfeeling and careless. This is a good thing - it keeps me focused on who I actually want to be. I don't want to be that monster. I don't want to be "an evil ex." I want to be able to kindle something; I want to know how to work the furnace in a relationship, in every relationship, in every experience. I want to take responsibility for when things grow cold and really know the difference between "a bad situation" and my own negligence. This takes time and practice; and I am willing to put those in.
Sarah woke me a up a little bit to this energy. But in the dysfunction between us, I have been alerted to how much I project this energy, this fire onto others, how I don't claim it for myself. How can she love me, when I am playing this dance of alienation? How can I be with someone who I cherish, if I don't believe I have any love to give? I am in love with my own energy, my own activity, my own fire.
These are not new thoughts that have entered my mind this year, they are simply being pointed out, with an exclamation point, highlighted.
I gained a lot from my trip to Iceland, also. First of all, the sense of accomplishment, for going through with the challenges I set out for myself. Second, for learning how to make a vacation comfortable, to really treat myself, even when it could have been extremely stressful all the time. And when it was extremely stressful, I'm grateful I was able to learn how to deal with it, how to push through, how to feel warm and motivated and full of hope when the wind was literally shoving me back in the other direction. What a jewel of an experience. It was awesome.
But there is so much more.
Ok, to sum up:
1. Release: pain, feeling like I cannot be loved, feeling that I cannot be open to love. Heartache over Sarah.
2. Things gained: I was taught to own my own strengths, my own energy, my own enthusiasm.
Thanks for bearing with me. In many ways, this is just a draft. It's not quite there yet, a little too superficial. But I know what to think about when I hone in on what I want to say on Tuesday. Tomorrow, the second part, which is actually less intense.
Good evening, all.
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