How to deal

Again, I'm tired and it's late. It's kind of redundant and pointless to say that, since that is so often the case when I finally make it to this screen, but it's how I feel, and I'm going to write it down.

So here's a little thread of what happened today.

In the course of a conversation with Lizz, she mentioned in passing that Sarah is in a relationship. First time I heard it. I had to pause for a second. Yes, this struck me. No, it did not strike me as much as I thought it might. My heart did not sink through the floor this time, as it did a couple times before. So I was kind of prepared, and this is not the worst.

But it lingered. I found myself feeling less energetic than normal. Particularly around Sarah. I didn't want to talk loudly. I didn't want to smile (but I did, because I'm always trying to please people). Then we got to Trivia, and I found that I couldn't stand looking at her across the table. So I stole the hat she was wearing (actually Sam's hat) and put it on my head so that the visor blocked her face. Eventually, after like 20 minutes, she figured out that this was doing.

Apparently the hat made me look more dark and emo. I didn't say anything, but I had a moment of recognition, as if to say: hey, I have an emo blog! At any rate, I felt pretty dark and emo. And bitter. I was a little bitter, and I acted that way to Sarah. At some moments, I felt like I wanted to. At other moments, I tried to reign it in. But it was there. This shit hurts. I wish I were over her, but I still look at that as 2nd place to being with her. There are all kinds of reasons why I could say it would not be a good thing, but you can always say that with anyone. And I really don't want to get into that habit. It's not a good activity, this fault-finding.

When I heard that this has been going on for about a week, it was a relief, because we haven't honestly had much chance to talk the past week. This rules out the possibility that she was hiding it from me for a long time, which I was a little afraid of.

And that it's a woman is a relief. It tones down the jealousy. I don't think this needs much of an explanation, but apparently this was confusing to Sarah when I mentioned it to her. It still hurts, the pain of rejection and being passed over like that. But a lot of the fiery jealousy issues only come up when I'm competing with another man. Some of that is psychological, maybe in relating to my own shadow. I don't know. Some of it is: I can't really give her what a woman can, so, in a way, it's fine to me that she is looking for this kind of satisfaction with someone who is not me What any other guy would have that I don't have, on the other hand, is another issue. Not that I'm too concerned about being jealous.

So, I feel in a good place to deal with this. It would be nice to get over her. Maybe her being in a relationship with a woman will actually help me get over her. It's still painful, and a little shameful, but I have some good work I can do in understanding my feelings, what led to this, what will get me out of this. This one-way crush thing is something I could do to understand better, realize what in my character makes me do this. And, actually more importantly, how to respond to it. I think writing will be a good way, whenever it is I will have more time for that.

Finally, I just want to note that I sent out two okcupid messages this morning, and I've been waiting all day for a response. More than normal. Deep down I believe that I won't get a response until I'm not using okcupid messages as a way to vindicate me, as an antidote to the loneliness, unattractiveness and rejection I've been feeling lately. Got to work on those things internally. Duh.

Good night, everyone.