Ah, some changes

Ok. Here I am. I've been reading and reading and reading past entries of this blog, to get an idea of what I have done. I am also listening to SomaFM's drone zone, which is speedily sinking my mind into oblivion. So: quick, here I go.

I have received a request from a certain someone to not mention her in the blog anymore. I will oblige for the moment. I think this is something impossible to do, ultimately, in a blog whose sole purpose is currently to create a public record of someone working through his feelings, with someone who blows away every conception I have of what it means to have feelings for somebody; something I need to work through. This is my blog after all. But she is uncomfortable with things right now; so I will stop.

I'm realizing now I don't exactly know what guidelines to follow, because at one point she said not to mention her; and then at one point she suggested I use a codename. In thinking about it, I don't think just changing the name makes any sense at all, because it would not make any change in terms of the problems she is having. So, after today, I'm just not going to talk about her for the time being.

The place I want to get to is where I can talk about her, but that there is no heartache and drama to talk about. This is the best solution. I'm going to try to get there.

We'll see how this sticks with me.

And, for the record, I actually do feel better about things. The big Conversation yesterday helped me survey for myself how much I need to let go. I need to stop feeling jealous, feeling bad about myself, all that stuff: the stuff that embarrasses me much more than her. I need to stop that for me, damn it.

I feel really confident that I can. I have had sufficient experience of my own frustration devouring me over the past few months, I don't want it anymore. I'm through with it. I want something better. And I don't have to sacrifice a rich relationship with an astounding person in order to achieve that. Really, it's win-win.

I feel like so many people I work with, who have taken the steps not to be addicted anymore. The ones who actually end up being successes. Actually, I remind me of one person in particular, one of my favorite clients of all time (except I don't have favorites and like all my clients equally). Not going to mention this person's name, either. But he's awesome, and I just heard today he's still doing well. A good person to compare myself to.

So I can say with at least some confidence that there will be no drama to talk about; to get uncomfortable about. Nothing's ever over, especially with me, but the situation is transforming. And I'm happy to blog a little differently. There is the whole unrelenting honesty thing, but of course there are tons of things I don't talk about; I don't have to be obsessed with this one part of my life.

I must admit there is one aspect to my relationship with this person it would do me very, very well to talk about. I might have to come up with a clever way of talking about it without talking about her. Or I could just write about it elsewhere. Or just talk to Abby and also Sam about it. But it's big - it's something I mentioned a few weeks ago, and it's a very, very tender sore spot for me. I take this sensitivity to mean that it's really important and involves ego deconstruction. And this aspect of things is moving sharply into focus, now that I'm clearing out all the anger and depression.

I'll need to figure out what to do later. I need to retire for the night.

Good night.

P.S. I want to extend the invitation to anyone and everyone who reads this to comment - here, through phone, text message, e-mail, facebook, real life - whatever way is best. I would love more feedback. Don't feel pressure - I love silence, too.

P.P.S. Now that I'm taking who my readers are into more consideration, I want to make a little note here for something that may not be clear: there are two people named Sam that I interact with regularly. One is my coworker and one is my therapist. I hope that this cleared things up / there was no confusion in the first place.