Stirring the bottom of the pot

I had a pretty good day, today, all things considered.

I went to Mountain Cloud. There was a morning sitting from 9 to 11. One guy from one of the groups who meet there showed up; his name is Chris, and he did not give a name for his group that I remember. I don't think it has one. A guy visiting from Colorado stopped by, too. It was his first time.

Impressions? It's a really great property. The Zendo is decent enough and has lots of windows. Kinhin was outside, which was nice. Chris is a good guy; takes charge of things and is neither exceptionally chatty or exceptionally silent. It seems he has been involved in Zen for a long time; for a while he was ordained by Joshu Sasaki (the Mt. Baldy guy) as a teacher. He has since then forsaken his robes, but he continues to practice on his own.

What you might have guessed already is that I was a little disappointed in how few people were there. My zen practice is pretty strong for what it is, but what I need is to expand my practice to include more work with more people. One other person is not nothing, of course. But more would be more ideal. There supposedly are more people who practice with The Group, which I'm guessing is mostly Soto. There is also a Rinzai group that meets on Sundays; they will even be holding a Sesshin in about six weeks. Something to consider.

Without having met more of The Group, from what I can gather about the state of repair of the building; how many people show up; and other details that came up in conversation with Chris; from all of this it seems that The Group is very informal. This is fine in itself. I just wonder if I want more of a support system in my practice, something strong to make my practice take more root in me. In other words, I'm concerned that it might not be challenging enough.

It could be fine, though. Chris suggests he might want to start doing easy-to-schedule weekend-long Sesshins maybe once a month. This would be great. Brad Warner is my literary-only zen teacher of choice. According to Brad, serious Zen students should:
1. Practice zazen every day, preferably twice a day
2. Practice with others on a somewhat regular basis
3. Attend a Sesshin of at least 2 days, at least once a year
4. At least vaguely consider the precepts.

I have got step 1 down, and visiting Mountain Cloud is working toward 2, and even 3 if things pan out. 4 seems doable, if I think about it, but I'm not thinking about it quite yet. The precepts aren't very real to me; I think if I work on the other items, it will create more of a context for them.

So I did that this morning. It was the longest sitting period I've had since Japan - 3 30-minute periods separated by 2 10-minute kinhin periods. It did not seem overwhelming at all. I could have gone longer, definitely. The problem with my longest sittings in Japan was that they were right before bedtime, and I always had to struggle to stay awake. In the morning, it's easier. It was very nice.

Then I had lunch, then I read the rest of Zen, Wrapped in Karma, Dipped in Chocolate, then I took a nap, then I went running, then I took a shower, then I saw Harry Potter 7 again with Elea and Paige, then I went shopping at TJs, then I had dinner, then I read about running a little bit then ---- reading old e-mails on the internet and thinking about myself and being nostalgic about both real and unfulfilled relationships. Then this!

That's my day. A good day...

...yet still I feel pretty crappy.

I'm so bent on viewing myself as unlovable and my life as empty because of that. I don't want to do what it takes to change this, because I insist that I need to feel this love before that can happen. And yet, because I feel so destitute, I do things that shut out this love. This is an endless cycle, until I choose to alter one of its stages.

There is no logical reason to feel good about one's self. It just happens or it doesn't. Or you just "choose" to or you don't. Either way it's spontaneous; it cannot arise from logical thinking. I would love to make that choice, but I just feel like a fallen one when it comes to emotional situations. I get really hopeless these days about ever being happy. It's too much work, and I have to spend most of my time and energy dealing with my job. I really want to surpass this feeling, by doing all the many, many things I do to work on my emotional issues. Really, I'm doing so much these days. It's great, actually. But it doesn't seem like enough. The same old armor is there; the same patterns continue; the same old broken, leaky heart getting run down day after day.

Fortunately, I relinquish control of this situation for about an hour every day, some days (like today) a little more. That's something to get me above the cycle, I guess.

I've written a lot, a bit errantly. But they are my words tonight.

Good night.