Going to bed on time

What a nice day this was - with huge problems in the middle - but I'm still left feeling it was nice.

I got plenty done at work today. I am planning on overhauling all my methods and working at 4000% productivity. Yes, that is a realistic number based on complicated, complicated, I say, analysis. So work will be better. I simply need to organize my time more efficiently - right now it's pretty scattered. Having my office near the front door, with distraction after distraction waltzing in, is no help either. I was fine at first, but after 6 months, somehow all the chaos has more of a grip on me, rather than less. A simple re-boot.

To be fair to myself, part of the feeling of chaos has been the multiform, manifold expansion in my mind of what my job is supposed to be. This improvement of perception is a success in itself; I am just finding I need to get the details to catch up with the big picture. I can do a lot more.

The huge problem in the middle is not really a new problem - it was an experience. I encountered two clients, both of whom do not like me very much. Probably, of everyone I have worked with, these two like me the least. And they are somehow traveling around together now. One, the more recent one, is "a little bit" crazy and, as Lala pointed out, hates everyone, so I can't take it too seriously or personally. The other one is a blast from the past -- and I will be happy to talk about the details in person, but not on the blog. I will write here that this guy really got under my skin in a strange way; making strange requests from me; and, in the end, I did not give him what he was asking for, and it's pretty clear he resents me for it. It does not help that he has a very grandiose personality that, I am sure, would tend to project and shoot out emotions more than the personalities of most people. Not a pleasant person to be on the bad side of. It's not like he hurls invective or anything all the time - at least not in front of me. I guess I'll cop out and say I have a very, very bad feeling about this guy, and, for whatever reason, he has the power to get to me on the inside. I get a serious rotten feeling when I'm around him. Maybe more on him later.

This feeling in me is something I need to work on. To certain extent, what I need to work on is separating "wrong done" to person from "weird feeling" with person. This phenomenon influences my "positive" relationships, too: not being able to separate the feelings that result from actions and intentions from baseline intuitions and unconscious things I pick up. Two different things.

At any rate, I am afraid of this guy; and I need to figure out why and if it is necessary to feel that way.

The sense that I am so vulnerable to him, or to anybody, of course, is up to me to determine. I don't have to dwell in this place. I am choosing to, because this fear has something to teach me. Clearly, or I wouldn't be returning to it.

On a similar note, I don't have to be ashamed of all the negativity in my life - negativity is instructive. There is no reason to judge someone for dwelling in negativity - it is a valid experience, like rolling in chocolate ice cream. Sure, why not eat the ice cream, but if somebody loves it, why get a little squirt of smugness from telling yourself that you wouldn't do the same, you know better. It's just chocolate ice cream. And, really, is there truly a logical reason you aren't rolling in it? Didn't think so.

From now on, I'm going to imagine all pain as chocolate ice cream.

Yeah, so it was a nice day. Good day at work. Had a really good time making fun of my job with Andrea this morning. A nice fast staff meeting. I got a smoked turkey, which will be slow carbing itself onto my plate the next few days. Established my plans for saturday. Snow! 2 hours of meditation. A really tasty dinner: part 2 of last night's steak, plus a massive salad of wild arugula. Simple, but good.

Just want to note about the 2 hours: the longest I have ever sat in one session. I didn't really think about that until I got home and noticed how sore my legs were. I am planning on going to at least one more session this week (on New Year's Eve). I was planning on taking Sunday off, but we'll see. I think I need it. Plus, it's good preparation in case I decide to do the Sesshin (not a spelling error) at the end of January. I'll need to meet Henry to make a decision - Henry is the normal teacher of the Wednesday group, who is visiting family in England until next week and therefore was not present tonight.

I feel pretty relaxed right now. I'm done blogging on time, and I think I'm going to slip into bed and read about whiny Greek warriors. Incidentally, has anyone else noticed that the more macho a guy is, the more whiny he is? Not a good masculine, at all.

Fare ye well tonight, all.