This quote popped into my mind as I began to blog tonight. It's from Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind, Volume 4.
Spoiler Alert (if you care).
It's the last lines spoken by Master Yupa as he dies, spoken to Nausicaa.
Without analyzing the entire set-up, basically Master Yupa has been a good friend to Nausicaa her whole life. He is a wandering, observing swordsman who has subtly and carefully protected Nausicaa and her people from a distance, offering what gifts of knowledge, support and insight he can. When the shit hits the fan and Nausicaa gets embroiled in the struggles of all the various empires to uncover ancient sources of power, he supports her fully, ultimately sacrificing himself so she can continue her efforts.
Complicated sci-fi / fantasy plots aside, what I get from this is a feeling that a part of me needs to perish before I can continue. I feel at this moment that Yupa is an old way of doing things and Nausicaa is a new, living, vibrant present response to the world. The old must perish. It can go out nobly or in terror and fear. Yupa was brave and keen, so his death was valuable and graceful, so it makes a pleasurable example, though it doesn't have to go that way, really.
The real issue is:
How do you prepare for a part of you to die?
I suppose the first step is recognition. I'm slowly getting to that point. At the moment, I'm mainly using literary sources: The Pathwork of Self-Transformation and Radical Honesty are my guides. Radical Honesty makes it look very simple: what needs to perish is every lie I have ever told, am telling and plan on telling. Simple, but excruciating. In a good way.
I feel like the mood for such a transformation is gathering in me like a slow weather pattern. I feel I have little control over it - nor should I have any, really. I do what I can. I am learning my limitations in this at the same time I learn what aren't really limitations. I could be living my life a lot differently. The question, though, is how much of it is me taking the right steps, and how much of it is me floating on the right current?
Forward.
Good night, all.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Just a Moment
A moment of rest.
Nothing has been resolved in the matter I last wrote about. It has reached a state of less intensity, of calm and smoothness, but nothing has been settled, and there is much to do.
It might be a longer time than I thought, when I finally discuss this matter. It's important for me and important for everyone.
You'll have to settle for that.
In the meantime, I've been spending my "free" time resting, relaxing, regenerating due to an amount of stress. I have not undergone this rest in the most healthy way possible (little exercise - for which a minor knee injury is also largely responsible - bad eating, lots of Alpha-wave trance inducement), but it did its job, and I feel just about ready to move back into fuller energy.
Tomorrow is documentary night, so I will be back late and want to sleep. A possible post then, but it might not be until Sunday.
I'll take a moment to write down a sample what's going on in short phrases: inner work, dismantling the idealized self, creating a sacred list of goals and intentions, learning about my strengths, coming to grips with the core of need at the base of my Self. And, more concretely: figuring out how to track my goals, looking into higher education, finding teachers for the skills I want, cleaning things up, moving my apartment. There's more. It's in there.
Good night, all.
Nothing has been resolved in the matter I last wrote about. It has reached a state of less intensity, of calm and smoothness, but nothing has been settled, and there is much to do.
It might be a longer time than I thought, when I finally discuss this matter. It's important for me and important for everyone.
You'll have to settle for that.
In the meantime, I've been spending my "free" time resting, relaxing, regenerating due to an amount of stress. I have not undergone this rest in the most healthy way possible (little exercise - for which a minor knee injury is also largely responsible - bad eating, lots of Alpha-wave trance inducement), but it did its job, and I feel just about ready to move back into fuller energy.
Tomorrow is documentary night, so I will be back late and want to sleep. A possible post then, but it might not be until Sunday.
I'll take a moment to write down a sample what's going on in short phrases: inner work, dismantling the idealized self, creating a sacred list of goals and intentions, learning about my strengths, coming to grips with the core of need at the base of my Self. And, more concretely: figuring out how to track my goals, looking into higher education, finding teachers for the skills I want, cleaning things up, moving my apartment. There's more. It's in there.
Good night, all.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Crickets in catalpas, the cricket in the sage
A night that takes me outside into the neighborhood I have known only as a stress release on evening walks...
I am faced with a fairly huge decision I need to make by the morning. I cannot go into the details here. I have not decided what I am going to do. I don't feel I know myself and where my life is headed clearly enough to make a decision. That, in itself, makes me sway in one direction rather than the other, but I need to consider carefully.
I feel I am tasked now with taking the rudder of my life carefully in my hands. This requires caution - because what is truly free for me - or what might make me truly free - might not necessarily be very symbolically free. It might mean digging deeper into commitments I have made, for example.
I feel I could benefit from pulling myself in a little bit tonight - reading a nourishing book that could also clarify my life, doing some journaling. Recording my dream tomorrow morning.
I will go into somewhat more detail (but never full detail) about this decision, once everything is said and done. We'll see. Part of my anxiety tonight is that I don't feel I have the full picture in view - it bears some more exploration at the places I can learn more.
But that's enough. Being vague like this is not productive for me and not interesting for you.
Back to my evening.
Good night, all.
I am faced with a fairly huge decision I need to make by the morning. I cannot go into the details here. I have not decided what I am going to do. I don't feel I know myself and where my life is headed clearly enough to make a decision. That, in itself, makes me sway in one direction rather than the other, but I need to consider carefully.
I feel I am tasked now with taking the rudder of my life carefully in my hands. This requires caution - because what is truly free for me - or what might make me truly free - might not necessarily be very symbolically free. It might mean digging deeper into commitments I have made, for example.
I feel I could benefit from pulling myself in a little bit tonight - reading a nourishing book that could also clarify my life, doing some journaling. Recording my dream tomorrow morning.
I will go into somewhat more detail (but never full detail) about this decision, once everything is said and done. We'll see. Part of my anxiety tonight is that I don't feel I have the full picture in view - it bears some more exploration at the places I can learn more.
But that's enough. Being vague like this is not productive for me and not interesting for you.
Back to my evening.
Good night, all.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
The War on Not Blogging
Quick post tonight.
Just got back from documentary night at Taylor and Ayumi's place. It was a great evening; I enjoyed watching a movie and talking about it, especially since we all agreed we didn't like the movie. It felt like a very real and fruitful situation. I'm looking forward to more Doc Nights.
On the drive back home, they began to play Brahms' Fourth. I haven't listened to it in such a long time. I remember listening to all of his symphonies over and over again - even examining the scores - and I miss how I used to do that. Take time out of a today to listen to a 40 minute piece of music and be stirred and carried away by it, the way a movie or a book does.
Anyway, it's late.
Good night, all.
Just got back from documentary night at Taylor and Ayumi's place. It was a great evening; I enjoyed watching a movie and talking about it, especially since we all agreed we didn't like the movie. It felt like a very real and fruitful situation. I'm looking forward to more Doc Nights.
On the drive back home, they began to play Brahms' Fourth. I haven't listened to it in such a long time. I remember listening to all of his symphonies over and over again - even examining the scores - and I miss how I used to do that. Take time out of a today to listen to a 40 minute piece of music and be stirred and carried away by it, the way a movie or a book does.
Anyway, it's late.
Good night, all.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Another Shift Inwards
Today I continue to feel strange - almost as if I don't know what to do with these long evenings I've arranged for myself. My original plan - and my current work schedule for this week - was to try to work 9 - 5 Monday through Thursday and 9 - 1 on Friday. I would be giving myself time to exercise in the morning and to engage in other pursuits in the evening.
However, I'm not sure if I can really do that Monday - Thursday. It might just be Tuesday and Wednesday. We'll see. My current job is still a bit confusing - I'm feeling some definite tension with my new supervisor at the other Shelter, and we need to straighten some things out.
Although, I am loving my self-directed project management when I'm working in the administration office. I'm getting all kinds of ideas and - better yet - I am actually implementing the projects that I've been planning, and I've only had about 2 workdays-worth of these sessions so far. Everybody (who has responded to me) says that my online suggestion box / troubleshooting service is very appreciative - saying that it is something that was long needed.
This fact points out to me that all of my emphasis on organization and productivity is actually very helpful - when I am the only one deciding how I spend my time. I have been trying to adapt to the complexities of working at a homeless shelter with my workflow design, but I guess I'm not entirely there yet.
So back to how I feel at the moment. Restless, a little anxious, but mostly serene. I am feeling none of the resistance I normally feel to doing productive tasks - yet also significantly less motivation. At center, I feel disordered. It's a bit disconcerting, a bit incongruous. For example, I am reaching new heights with my running, and my new violin practice is progressing along nicely. Yet I feel no sense of accomplishment. Do I need to feel a sense of accomplishment? I guess it's not entirely necessary, but it's a good and helpful thing.
My instincts tell me this is a push inwards, a drawing of energy inwards. Simply: I am being tasked with spending more time with my feelings, perhaps my imagination.
As I type that, I feel a little resistance. It's almost like I'm holding on to a habit of feeling a certain way, of going through certain tasks and activities over the course of the evening. I want to feel the rush of avoiding responsibilities, of building something, accomplishing something. I don't want to open up tonight.
I think this will do for a daily blog entry - my mind is wandering. I have no idea what is coming next, what I want to do or how I will spend my time. Perhaps that's what's so unsettling?
Good night, all.
However, I'm not sure if I can really do that Monday - Thursday. It might just be Tuesday and Wednesday. We'll see. My current job is still a bit confusing - I'm feeling some definite tension with my new supervisor at the other Shelter, and we need to straighten some things out.
Although, I am loving my self-directed project management when I'm working in the administration office. I'm getting all kinds of ideas and - better yet - I am actually implementing the projects that I've been planning, and I've only had about 2 workdays-worth of these sessions so far. Everybody (who has responded to me) says that my online suggestion box / troubleshooting service is very appreciative - saying that it is something that was long needed.
This fact points out to me that all of my emphasis on organization and productivity is actually very helpful - when I am the only one deciding how I spend my time. I have been trying to adapt to the complexities of working at a homeless shelter with my workflow design, but I guess I'm not entirely there yet.
So back to how I feel at the moment. Restless, a little anxious, but mostly serene. I am feeling none of the resistance I normally feel to doing productive tasks - yet also significantly less motivation. At center, I feel disordered. It's a bit disconcerting, a bit incongruous. For example, I am reaching new heights with my running, and my new violin practice is progressing along nicely. Yet I feel no sense of accomplishment. Do I need to feel a sense of accomplishment? I guess it's not entirely necessary, but it's a good and helpful thing.
My instincts tell me this is a push inwards, a drawing of energy inwards. Simply: I am being tasked with spending more time with my feelings, perhaps my imagination.
As I type that, I feel a little resistance. It's almost like I'm holding on to a habit of feeling a certain way, of going through certain tasks and activities over the course of the evening. I want to feel the rush of avoiding responsibilities, of building something, accomplishing something. I don't want to open up tonight.
I think this will do for a daily blog entry - my mind is wandering. I have no idea what is coming next, what I want to do or how I will spend my time. Perhaps that's what's so unsettling?
Good night, all.
Another Shift Inwards
Today I continue to feel strange - almost as if I don't know what to do with these long evenings I've arranged for myself. My original plan - and my current work schedule for this week - was to try to work 9 - 5 Monday through Thursday and 9 - 1 on Friday. I would be giving myself time to exercise in the morning and to engage in other pursuits in the evening.
However, I'm not sure if I can really do that Monday - Thursday. It might just be Tuesday and Wednesday. We'll see. My current job is still a bit confusing - I'm feeling some definite tension with my new supervisor at the other Shelter, and we need to straighten some things out.
Although, I am loving my self-directed project management when I'm working in the administration office. I'm getting all kinds of ideas and - better yet - I am actually implementing the projects that I've been planning, and I've only had about 2 workdays-worth of these sessions so far. Everybody (who has responded to me) says that my online suggestion box / troubleshooting service is very appreciative - saying that it is something that was long needed.
This fact points out to me that all of my emphasis on organization and productivity is actually very helpful - when I am the only one deciding how I spend my time. I have been trying to adapt to the complexities of working at a homeless shelter with my workflow design, but I guess I'm not entirely there yet.
So back to how I feel at the moment. Restless, a little anxious, but mostly serene. I am feeling none of the resistance I normally feel to doing productive tasks - yet also significantly less motivation. At center, I feel disordered. It's a bit disconcerting, a bit incongruous. For example, I am reaching new heights with my running, and my new violin practice is progressing along nicely. Yet I feel no sense of accomplishment. Do I need to feel a sense of accomplishment? I guess it's not entirely necessary, but it's a good and helpful thing.
My instincts tell me this is a push inwards, a drawing of energy inwards. Simply: I am being tasked with spending more time with my feelings, perhaps my imagination.
As I type that, I feel a little resistance. It's almost like I'm holding on to a habit of feeling a certain way, of going through certain tasks and activities over the course of the evening. I want to feel the rush of avoiding responsibilities, of building something, accomplishing something. I don't want to open up tonight.
I think this will do for a daily blog entry - my mind is wandering. I have no idea what is coming next, what I want to do or how I will spend my time. Perhaps that's what's so unsettling?
Good night, all.
However, I'm not sure if I can really do that Monday - Thursday. It might just be Tuesday and Wednesday. We'll see. My current job is still a bit confusing - I'm feeling some definite tension with my new supervisor at the other Shelter, and we need to straighten some things out.
Although, I am loving my self-directed project management when I'm working in the administration office. I'm getting all kinds of ideas and - better yet - I am actually implementing the projects that I've been planning, and I've only had about 2 workdays-worth of these sessions so far. Everybody (who has responded to me) says that my online suggestion box / troubleshooting service is very appreciative - saying that it is something that was long needed.
This fact points out to me that all of my emphasis on organization and productivity is actually very helpful - when I am the only one deciding how I spend my time. I have been trying to adapt to the complexities of working at a homeless shelter with my workflow design, but I guess I'm not entirely there yet.
So back to how I feel at the moment. Restless, a little anxious, but mostly serene. I am feeling none of the resistance I normally feel to doing productive tasks - yet also significantly less motivation. At center, I feel disordered. It's a bit disconcerting, a bit incongruous. For example, I am reaching new heights with my running, and my new violin practice is progressing along nicely. Yet I feel no sense of accomplishment. Do I need to feel a sense of accomplishment? I guess it's not entirely necessary, but it's a good and helpful thing.
My instincts tell me this is a push inwards, a drawing of energy inwards. Simply: I am being tasked with spending more time with my feelings, perhaps my imagination.
As I type that, I feel a little resistance. It's almost like I'm holding on to a habit of feeling a certain way, of going through certain tasks and activities over the course of the evening. I want to feel the rush of avoiding responsibilities, of building something, accomplishing something. I don't want to open up tonight.
I think this will do for a daily blog entry - my mind is wandering. I have no idea what is coming next, what I want to do or how I will spend my time. Perhaps that's what's so unsettling?
Good night, all.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Pandora Pipes
(Title gleaned from my current music.)
A calm but somewhat directionless evening. I notice that I have a certain kind of faith that my new interest in focusing on violin and Chinese will bring me to a greater understand of my life. These two things might offer a method of psychic survival - furnish me with tools and arms against a complex, changing world.
I want to get back into looking at my life as a homestead, but I am not doing so quite so consciously now. I guess, in the spirit of the Homestead Act, I am doing a lot of good, hard work in improving the shelter I have recently been assigned to work at. I would like, someday, to augment that with a deeper knowledge and collaboration with the greater world. But I need to cultivate myself a little bit more to be a better receptacle.
I notice, at this moment, the very potent centering and focusing effect that writing has on me. It makes me consider how truly beneficial a large scale writing project would be for me . . .
But I will need to access it later. A feeling in my gut is telling me to slow down and stop. I am going to listen to this feeling that I might have struggled against in the past.
Good night, all.
A calm but somewhat directionless evening. I notice that I have a certain kind of faith that my new interest in focusing on violin and Chinese will bring me to a greater understand of my life. These two things might offer a method of psychic survival - furnish me with tools and arms against a complex, changing world.
I want to get back into looking at my life as a homestead, but I am not doing so quite so consciously now. I guess, in the spirit of the Homestead Act, I am doing a lot of good, hard work in improving the shelter I have recently been assigned to work at. I would like, someday, to augment that with a deeper knowledge and collaboration with the greater world. But I need to cultivate myself a little bit more to be a better receptacle.
I notice, at this moment, the very potent centering and focusing effect that writing has on me. It makes me consider how truly beneficial a large scale writing project would be for me . . .
But I will need to access it later. A feeling in my gut is telling me to slow down and stop. I am going to listen to this feeling that I might have struggled against in the past.
Good night, all.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Schedules, Time, Etc.
I find myself weighed down by the limitations of time and space. Part of the reason I have been thinking about these daily schedules is that I feel so pressed for time these days. In fact, I often get downright resentful of all of the things I have to do, even stuff I love doing, just because none of it seems to quite fit together properly. This feeling of being stressed, of not doing what I want to do, makes me susceptible to feeling like I want to throw it all aside, which eats up more time. A classic vicious cycle.
In three of the 4 schedules I posted, I was not working full time. However, in one, I was. Not only that, but I was engaging in regular activities outside of work, similar to now. Why did I feel more settled in my life then?
Here's something big: I didn't have internet in my apartment. Is that something I can handle today?
The other thing is that I didn't really care about as much stuff as I do now. I did not have endless lists of tasks tugging me in every direction. I didn't care about getting my finances perfectly in order. I had vague notions that I could be a better renter, a better car owner, that I might be happier putting together a garden and learning Japanese, but I didn't care as much. I was somewhat more invested in what I was doing at the time. Not that this was some idyllic state of grace - I was essentially the same person 4 years ago that I am now - but the world I created for myself was just a little different. For example, I spent much more time on the weekends to take long walks and think about my life - and this difference is worth noting.
Today, I am feeling much more like I need to relax than that I need to grow. The drive is still there, but it does not grip me as much.
This is a tendency I've had my whole life - this is nothing new. In fact, it's quite an interesting development to note that this state of feeling, this general mood and tendency to want to relax and not do anything seems to stand out more as I try to do more. It makes perfect sense. It's a "problem" now because I'm not swimming in it as much; it's not normal. This is a good way to be, since I am now more conscious of it. Bad, because, as yet, my relationship to this feeling is one of difference, estrangement, fear, frustration, animosity.
I know that this will only be a stage in a process - I will move on to other things.
This will be all for now, as I need to get going. But I'm positive I'll be coming back to this thread next time I write.
Great day, all.
In three of the 4 schedules I posted, I was not working full time. However, in one, I was. Not only that, but I was engaging in regular activities outside of work, similar to now. Why did I feel more settled in my life then?
Here's something big: I didn't have internet in my apartment. Is that something I can handle today?
The other thing is that I didn't really care about as much stuff as I do now. I did not have endless lists of tasks tugging me in every direction. I didn't care about getting my finances perfectly in order. I had vague notions that I could be a better renter, a better car owner, that I might be happier putting together a garden and learning Japanese, but I didn't care as much. I was somewhat more invested in what I was doing at the time. Not that this was some idyllic state of grace - I was essentially the same person 4 years ago that I am now - but the world I created for myself was just a little different. For example, I spent much more time on the weekends to take long walks and think about my life - and this difference is worth noting.
Today, I am feeling much more like I need to relax than that I need to grow. The drive is still there, but it does not grip me as much.
This is a tendency I've had my whole life - this is nothing new. In fact, it's quite an interesting development to note that this state of feeling, this general mood and tendency to want to relax and not do anything seems to stand out more as I try to do more. It makes perfect sense. It's a "problem" now because I'm not swimming in it as much; it's not normal. This is a good way to be, since I am now more conscious of it. Bad, because, as yet, my relationship to this feeling is one of difference, estrangement, fear, frustration, animosity.
I know that this will only be a stage in a process - I will move on to other things.
This will be all for now, as I need to get going. But I'm positive I'll be coming back to this thread next time I write.
Great day, all.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Two More Schedules
I'm going to continue the theme from yesterday.
3. This one is from the period of time I lived in a little apartment on Caminito de Norbert in Santa Fe. It lasted for the 6 months or so I worked at CleanAIR Systems, from November 2006 - May 2007. I had a lot going on in the evenings, so after 4:00 pm things diverge.
6:00 Wake up to Democracy Now on the Radio.
6:00 - 7:00 Sloooooow wake-up and breakfast, listening to the Radio the whole time. Breakfast was usually Flax Plus cereal with soy milk and a scoop of Spirutein mixed in - plus a glass of orange juice.
7:00 - 7:10 - Wash up, get dressed, brush teeth.
7:10 - 7:30 Drive to work.
7:30 - 4:00 Work.
4:00 - 4:20 Drive home. (Mon, Tues, Wed, Fri). Thursday: 4:00 - 4:20. Drive to St. E's. 4:20 - 8:00. Be front desk volunteer.
4:20 - 5:00 Relax. Jog (sometimes). Shower. (This was one of the few times in my life in Santa Fe I showered every day - my job got me pretty nasty fairly consistently.)
5:00 - 7:00 Monday only: cook dinner, eat. Tuesday, Wednesday: read, relax, write.
7:00 - between 9:30 and 10:30 Monday: read. Tuesday: Taiko practice. Wednesday: Pint night at Blue Corn with friends.
10:30 - 11:00 Sleep.
Sundays had a bit of a pattern, too. I would consistently do laundry and do grocery shopping late Sunday afternoon and cook a meal Sunday night, with a lot of reading before bed.
I did not have an internet connection at home, so I would usually check my e-mail on Saturday mornings at the library - did that pretty consistently.
4. The last one is from around October 2008 - December of the same year. Not a long time, but it was the last time I really had a daily schedule I followed and flourished under (a little). This was an intense, dark and strange part of my life that yielded a lot of highs and lows. The schedule went something like this:
8:00 Wake up.
8:00 - 8:30 Wake up slow; mess around on internet.
8:30 - 9:00 Calisthenics in the room.
9:00 - 9:30 Breakfast
9:30 - 10:30 Practice piano.
10:30 - 11:30 Read.
11:30 - 12:00 Lunch.
12:00 - 12:45 Watch tv, play computer games (if driving). If walking, begin walk to work at 12:15.
1:00 - 5:00 Work.
5:00 - 5:15 or 5:45. Return from work, whether driving or walking.
6:00 - 6:30 More piano.
6:30 - 7:00 Dinner.
7:00 - 12:00 Watch movie, relax, play video games, sometimes read.
--
It has been fruitful to write these out. There might be a couple more coming, but maybe tomorrow I'd like to spend a minute or so writing about what this all means to me. It's nothing particularly surprising or clever or anything; it just gets me thinking about my past, what decisions I've made in my life, and what I've made of it.
Good night, all.
3. This one is from the period of time I lived in a little apartment on Caminito de Norbert in Santa Fe. It lasted for the 6 months or so I worked at CleanAIR Systems, from November 2006 - May 2007. I had a lot going on in the evenings, so after 4:00 pm things diverge.
6:00 Wake up to Democracy Now on the Radio.
6:00 - 7:00 Sloooooow wake-up and breakfast, listening to the Radio the whole time. Breakfast was usually Flax Plus cereal with soy milk and a scoop of Spirutein mixed in - plus a glass of orange juice.
7:00 - 7:10 - Wash up, get dressed, brush teeth.
7:10 - 7:30 Drive to work.
7:30 - 4:00 Work.
4:00 - 4:20 Drive home. (Mon, Tues, Wed, Fri). Thursday: 4:00 - 4:20. Drive to St. E's. 4:20 - 8:00. Be front desk volunteer.
4:20 - 5:00 Relax. Jog (sometimes). Shower. (This was one of the few times in my life in Santa Fe I showered every day - my job got me pretty nasty fairly consistently.)
5:00 - 7:00 Monday only: cook dinner, eat. Tuesday, Wednesday: read, relax, write.
7:00 - between 9:30 and 10:30 Monday: read. Tuesday: Taiko practice. Wednesday: Pint night at Blue Corn with friends.
10:30 - 11:00 Sleep.
Sundays had a bit of a pattern, too. I would consistently do laundry and do grocery shopping late Sunday afternoon and cook a meal Sunday night, with a lot of reading before bed.
I did not have an internet connection at home, so I would usually check my e-mail on Saturday mornings at the library - did that pretty consistently.
4. The last one is from around October 2008 - December of the same year. Not a long time, but it was the last time I really had a daily schedule I followed and flourished under (a little). This was an intense, dark and strange part of my life that yielded a lot of highs and lows. The schedule went something like this:
8:00 Wake up.
8:00 - 8:30 Wake up slow; mess around on internet.
8:30 - 9:00 Calisthenics in the room.
9:00 - 9:30 Breakfast
9:30 - 10:30 Practice piano.
10:30 - 11:30 Read.
11:30 - 12:00 Lunch.
12:00 - 12:45 Watch tv, play computer games (if driving). If walking, begin walk to work at 12:15.
1:00 - 5:00 Work.
5:00 - 5:15 or 5:45. Return from work, whether driving or walking.
6:00 - 6:30 More piano.
6:30 - 7:00 Dinner.
7:00 - 12:00 Watch movie, relax, play video games, sometimes read.
--
It has been fruitful to write these out. There might be a couple more coming, but maybe tomorrow I'd like to spend a minute or so writing about what this all means to me. It's nothing particularly surprising or clever or anything; it just gets me thinking about my past, what decisions I've made in my life, and what I've made of it.
Good night, all.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Two Schedules
Tonight I'm just going to publish two daily schedules from my past. I don't have the time or energy to discuss my motive at the moment - hopefully it will be made clearer as future posts discuss similar topics.
The first is from the summer of 1997, when I was 14. This is a weekday schedule.
7:00 Wake up
7:00 - 8:00 Do reading assignment (O.R.), with T.V on in the background.
8:00 - 9:00 Breakfast. Play video games.
9:00 - 10:00 Practice violin.
10:00 - 12:00 Go to the gym.
12:00 - 1:00 Lunch.
1:00 - 2:00 Study Latin.
2:00 - 5:00 Read.
5:00 - 6:00 Video games.
6:00 - 7:00 Dinner with family.
7:00 - 8:00 Practice violin.
8:00 - 9:00 Write.
9:00 - 11:00 Video games.
11:00 Sleep
I played a lot of video games, watched a lot of t.v., learned latin, read tons, got plenty of exercise and got really good at the violin in a short period of time. Not a bad use of my time. I usually spent the weekends with friends, who were doing other things during the week, or who went to camp during large portions of it. This wasn't all that I did this summer, but it was a huge chunk of it. I took a few trips, including one to San Francisco to stay with my brother for a little while.
Schedule 2. This one changed up a lot but was mostly consistent. This was during 2004 - 2005, when I was 21 and 22 and teaching in China.
6:00 Wake up.
6:00 - 6:20 Stretching, basic exercises, getting dressed.
6:20 - 6:30 Going to the cafeteria to grab breakfast.
6:30 - 8:00 Eat breakfast, have tea, mess around on the internet, play video games.
8:00 - 9:30 First class of the day.
9:30 - 10:30 Break in the foreign teachers' lounge. Chat with other teachers, read, use internet, plan lessons.
10:30 - 12:00 Second class.
12:00 - 12:30 Lunch in teachers' cafeteria.
12:30 - 2:30 Siesta - reading and napping.
2:30 - 4:00 Third class.
4:00 - 5:00 Running on the track, shower, sometimes ping pong.
5:00 - 6:00 Relaxing. Sometimes, but not often enough, studying Chinese.
6:00 - 7:00 Dinner in the restaurants down the street with other teachers
7:00 - 10:00 Any combination of different things - watching movies with other teachers, watching movies alone, messing around on the internet, video games, reading, writing.
I was not very "productive" on this schedule, but I remember feeling very rooted and settled and, when I allowed it to blossom, a very strong push to be deeply creative.
That will be all for tonight. Take care, all.
The first is from the summer of 1997, when I was 14. This is a weekday schedule.
7:00 Wake up
7:00 - 8:00 Do reading assignment (O.R.), with T.V on in the background.
8:00 - 9:00 Breakfast. Play video games.
9:00 - 10:00 Practice violin.
10:00 - 12:00 Go to the gym.
12:00 - 1:00 Lunch.
1:00 - 2:00 Study Latin.
2:00 - 5:00 Read.
5:00 - 6:00 Video games.
6:00 - 7:00 Dinner with family.
7:00 - 8:00 Practice violin.
8:00 - 9:00 Write.
9:00 - 11:00 Video games.
11:00 Sleep
I played a lot of video games, watched a lot of t.v., learned latin, read tons, got plenty of exercise and got really good at the violin in a short period of time. Not a bad use of my time. I usually spent the weekends with friends, who were doing other things during the week, or who went to camp during large portions of it. This wasn't all that I did this summer, but it was a huge chunk of it. I took a few trips, including one to San Francisco to stay with my brother for a little while.
Schedule 2. This one changed up a lot but was mostly consistent. This was during 2004 - 2005, when I was 21 and 22 and teaching in China.
6:00 Wake up.
6:00 - 6:20 Stretching, basic exercises, getting dressed.
6:20 - 6:30 Going to the cafeteria to grab breakfast.
6:30 - 8:00 Eat breakfast, have tea, mess around on the internet, play video games.
8:00 - 9:30 First class of the day.
9:30 - 10:30 Break in the foreign teachers' lounge. Chat with other teachers, read, use internet, plan lessons.
10:30 - 12:00 Second class.
12:00 - 12:30 Lunch in teachers' cafeteria.
12:30 - 2:30 Siesta - reading and napping.
2:30 - 4:00 Third class.
4:00 - 5:00 Running on the track, shower, sometimes ping pong.
5:00 - 6:00 Relaxing. Sometimes, but not often enough, studying Chinese.
6:00 - 7:00 Dinner in the restaurants down the street with other teachers
7:00 - 10:00 Any combination of different things - watching movies with other teachers, watching movies alone, messing around on the internet, video games, reading, writing.
I was not very "productive" on this schedule, but I remember feeling very rooted and settled and, when I allowed it to blossom, a very strong push to be deeply creative.
That will be all for tonight. Take care, all.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Last Watch
I'm a little bit wakeful right now. Actually, a little less wakeful than when I decided to get the computer out. But I have a little to say.
This morning I decided I was going to wait no longer. There are a million things I'm interested in. I want to narrow it down just the tiniest bit. Just the most minimal diminution from endless possibilities to at least a couple vague areas of focus. Practically speaking, this means I am fed up with putting off practicing languages and music. From now on, these things are going to be part of my life. I'm going to consider it part of my health. Engaging in these activities are now considered medicine to me, and I will only forgo them knowing that I am diminishing myself.
Practically speaking, this meant playing violin - relatively in earnest - and starting to review the Chinese I know. I will know I'm for real once I have reached and surpassed my last highest point of fluency in both of these. For violin, this means fully finishing Suzuki Book 6. For Chinese, this means finishing Chapter 22 of my text book. I think I can do this.
And, if I happen to slip with either of these things, I have alternative areas of focus. For music, I can play the accordion. For language, I can focus on Latin.
I thought for a while that I ought to focus on Spanish, because it's the most useful foreign language for me to know and the foreign language I am most proficient in. But I ultimately decided not to because 1. I naturally learn a little bit every week, due to work necessities 2. It has not captured my heart like these other languages. I settled on Chinese as my first choice because it has the best balance of personal interest and practicality. Latin is not imminently practical, but it is my favorite foreign language, and it gets me to a good place when I practice it.
Now, beyond these areas of focus, there is more.
First, most simply, is another discipline that will be forthcoming. Creative writing. I need to get into it, live it, begin working in earnest again.
Second, a deeper spiritual and psychological healing. I will be looking into places to dive into this farther than I have been. In many ways, studying language and art is furnishing myself with tools for understanding myself better. These are important accoutrements to the fuller life I wish I was living.
Abby and I agree that, somehow, visiting Machu Picchu has helped us to regain a certain focus in our lives - a slight dropping off in interest in what has been non-essential for us. Mystical power, coincidence, placebo effect - whatever - it's going, and let's see where it goes.
Good night, all.
This morning I decided I was going to wait no longer. There are a million things I'm interested in. I want to narrow it down just the tiniest bit. Just the most minimal diminution from endless possibilities to at least a couple vague areas of focus. Practically speaking, this means I am fed up with putting off practicing languages and music. From now on, these things are going to be part of my life. I'm going to consider it part of my health. Engaging in these activities are now considered medicine to me, and I will only forgo them knowing that I am diminishing myself.
Practically speaking, this meant playing violin - relatively in earnest - and starting to review the Chinese I know. I will know I'm for real once I have reached and surpassed my last highest point of fluency in both of these. For violin, this means fully finishing Suzuki Book 6. For Chinese, this means finishing Chapter 22 of my text book. I think I can do this.
And, if I happen to slip with either of these things, I have alternative areas of focus. For music, I can play the accordion. For language, I can focus on Latin.
I thought for a while that I ought to focus on Spanish, because it's the most useful foreign language for me to know and the foreign language I am most proficient in. But I ultimately decided not to because 1. I naturally learn a little bit every week, due to work necessities 2. It has not captured my heart like these other languages. I settled on Chinese as my first choice because it has the best balance of personal interest and practicality. Latin is not imminently practical, but it is my favorite foreign language, and it gets me to a good place when I practice it.
Now, beyond these areas of focus, there is more.
First, most simply, is another discipline that will be forthcoming. Creative writing. I need to get into it, live it, begin working in earnest again.
Second, a deeper spiritual and psychological healing. I will be looking into places to dive into this farther than I have been. In many ways, studying language and art is furnishing myself with tools for understanding myself better. These are important accoutrements to the fuller life I wish I was living.
Abby and I agree that, somehow, visiting Machu Picchu has helped us to regain a certain focus in our lives - a slight dropping off in interest in what has been non-essential for us. Mystical power, coincidence, placebo effect - whatever - it's going, and let's see where it goes.
Good night, all.
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