Another Shift Inwards

Today I continue to feel strange - almost as if I don't know what to do with these long evenings I've arranged for myself. My original plan - and my current work schedule for this week - was to try to work 9 - 5 Monday through Thursday and 9 - 1 on Friday. I would be giving myself time to exercise in the morning and to engage in other pursuits in the evening.

However, I'm not sure if I can really do that Monday - Thursday. It might just be Tuesday and Wednesday. We'll see. My current job is still a bit confusing - I'm feeling some definite tension with my new supervisor at the other Shelter, and we need to straighten some things out.

Although, I am loving my self-directed project management when I'm working in the administration office. I'm getting all kinds of ideas and - better yet - I am actually implementing the projects that I've been planning, and I've only had about 2 workdays-worth of these sessions so far. Everybody (who has responded to me) says that my online suggestion box / troubleshooting service is very appreciative - saying that it is something that was long needed.

This fact points out to me that all of my emphasis on organization and productivity is actually very helpful - when I am the only one deciding how I spend my time. I have been trying to adapt to the complexities of working at a homeless shelter with my workflow design, but I guess I'm not entirely there yet.

So back to how I feel at the moment. Restless, a little anxious, but mostly serene. I am feeling none of the resistance I normally feel to doing productive tasks - yet also significantly less motivation. At center, I feel disordered. It's a bit disconcerting, a bit incongruous. For example, I am reaching new heights with my running, and my new violin practice is progressing along nicely. Yet I feel no sense of accomplishment. Do I need to feel a sense of accomplishment? I guess it's not entirely necessary, but it's a good and helpful thing.

My instincts tell me this is a push inwards, a drawing of energy inwards. Simply: I am being tasked with spending more time with my feelings, perhaps my imagination.

As I type that, I feel a little resistance. It's almost like I'm holding on to a habit of feeling a certain way, of going through certain tasks and activities over the course of the evening. I want to feel the rush of avoiding responsibilities, of building something, accomplishing something. I don't want to open up tonight.

I think this will do for a daily blog entry - my mind is wandering. I have no idea what is coming next, what I want to do or how I will spend my time. Perhaps that's what's so unsettling?

Good night, all.