Day of Feeling 30

Well, here it is. The last post of the Thirty Days of Feeling.

How do I feel?

A bit disappointed in what I came up with. I did virtually nothing besides blog. It's good for me to be writing these things, but I feel like I could have done so much more. It was helpful; yes, very helpful. But I didn't branch out into new ways of being.

I always felt rushed. This is part of how my life is right now. Everything is rushed and incomplete and unsatisfied. Right now I will be going to bed far later than I should, in order to get a full night's sleep. I will have a good day, though.

I want to be able to sit down and work more, dig deeper into all of these things. I don't want to feel scattered and tired and compulsively looking for ways to distract myself.

I want to create a self. It needs richness of feeling. I am working from paycheck to paycheck with feeling right now.

I wanted to write more, tonight, but I'm going to have to let it go; let my intention go to sleep with me and stay with me the next day, and hopefully one day branch out and take root somewhere.

I want to find the riches inside of me. They are somewhere.

Good night. Good month.

Day of Feeling 29

As anticipated, I will only be writing a short entry tonight, on this second-to-last day of feeling. I have not even had time to retropost Day of Feeling 25; it will come.

Yesterday I spoke of the importance of stillness; I feel still. I felt still last night; I feel emotionally still right now (some of that is beer I had). Still in a way I can only compare to good zazen; that lucid, comfortably cool liquid feeling of just kind of floating in the world around me, both inside and out. Does that make sense?

I was just busy today. Not too much time to reflect. When I did have a spare moment, I partook in physical activities to nourish and energize myself: napping (in the awesome nap-corner I set up in my office), running and, of course, eating.

Trivia was the least awkward it ever has been. I'm only saying Trivia was ever awkward, because I am looking at myself with a microscope. It was always fine and mainly fun. But I did not feel a drain at all. It was nice. It felt like it was how it should have been.

To note on the issue of physicality - when I made it back to the shelter tonight to pick up my bag and chatted with Erin in the last minutes of her shift, there were two times where it looked like she was about to hug me, but then stopped herself. The context is that Sarah and I came back from Trivia, and Erin hugged her, because we got 3rd place (and did really well up until, I'm pretty sure, the last round), and she was excited. It would have been natural to hug me, too. I could really feel that maybe it appeared like I was resisting; that I was supposed to be responding, and that I wasn't. I'm really not sure. I just want to note this, because this is not something I've ever really noticed in an interaction before. Does this happen all the time, and I just don't notice it? I don't feel particularly ashamed with myself for this; this is just something for me to notice.

I think I'll just have to stop. This entry seems a little cardboard-thin to me, not much substance, but it will have to be okay.

Good night, all.

Day of Feeling 28

Just wrote a long e-mail to Alexa, as part of a little, somewhat confused correspondence we've had since yesterday. This is a portion I wrote, but excised:

"'Attention, affection, sex.' This one still confuses me. It's so clear to me now. I want to scream my desires out to people. Why couldn't I articulate them to you very well? I would honestly like to know. I think it's because you became something else, other than a resource for these things. How did I let you become that? Was it avoidable? Certainly when we began the relationship, it seemed like an impossibility to mention that I have emotional needs. Though I don't understand why. Why is it so difficult to be me? Why can't I communicate what needs to be communicated, when it needs to be communicated? I'm feeling frustrated with myself right now, writing this. I do everything wrong; I'm fated to always be unsatisfied, because I can't ever remember my desires when I can have them satisfied; when I remember them, I'm alone and isolated and can't do anything about it."

I could write a lot about the e-mails, based on what the e-mails illuminated for me, but I, alas, have run out of time once again. I will not have much time tomorrow night. I will try to write a long entry for Thursday, the last night of this project. And I have decided to continue writing in October. Topic TBA, but it will be "31 Days of" something.

Back to the topic. Communication as an important part of feeling. A lot of my feelings of frustration come from not being able to communicate. I had an interesting conversation today in the parking lot of the hospital, where a colleague explained to me that social problems are largely a communication problems, and that communication is something that goes beyond language. It's sort of your ability to balance your individuality with your commonality. Make your personal life manifest in your public life. Poor communication is a form of isolation. All dysfunction is a failure to communicate.

This kind of blows my mind; I'll need to think about it more. But anyway, I find communication difficult, and I also often feel isolated and dysfunctional. Just another slice of the bologna to reflect on. Why do I find it difficult? I forget myself when I am with other people. I don't know how to handle the encounter. I lose control over many aspects of myself. I twiddle my thumbs and feel all kinds of nervousness and can't sit still. Where is another place where this happens? Zazen, interestingly enough. Or it is a large part of my focus - I can't keep my eyes still when I meditate. It feels like the same issue.

This is kind of sounding like the trauma stuff I began to read about in "Waking the Tiger." That was work I began on a while ago, a little less than a year ago, but soon gave up. There must be something to it. I have something similar to social anxiety, but very subtle. I can function very well in social situations, but internally it can be quite exhausting and uncomfortable. This is not terribly uncommon. But certainly worth investigating.

As with so many other things, I need to touch my anxiety issues more than I do. Just being calm, being perfectly comfortable in my body, and in the room I'm in, and with the people I'm with, would make things so much easier for me.

It's hard. How do I get my eyes to stop moving?

I'll leave it at that.

Good night.

Day of Feeling 27

I feel kind of stupid and embarrassed about my feelings.

Way to go, in a project where I try to accept them. I feel silly about "being in love." I just watched Phedre, and, man, does that play make falling in love seem like the stupidest thing you could ever do. There is something inherently self-deprecating in placing so much value in another person. Some seem to think you can turn it into something more humane, but that is very hard to do, if it is at all possible.

One important focus for the past two weeks was on the issue I have with being intimidated with my own attraction. The whole deal where the more I want affection from somebody, or to show affection, the more terrified I am of displaying any interest. I think this affects everyone to some degree, but for me it has taken over my personality, such that I have an image of being untouchable.

I could go on and on about what that entails, but I was hoping to focus more on getting to the root of it. Trying to open my mind, stretch it out to its limits, and really get to the bottom of this phenomenon. I unfortunately did not end up with much time to do that in. This includes both productivity and time-wasting. It's not that I don't do things for myself, either; it's just that it's hard to do anything for myself that isn't put into a routine (like this blog).

So I tried a little bit tonight. I lay face-down on my bed and tried as best I could to focus on the intimidation I experience around touch. Images flashed for a while - I got distracted and went off on tangents. Somehow I began remembering things I had not thought about for years and years - for some reason I began focusing on two times in my life when I had progress charts with stickers. The first was when I was potty training - this was way back when my family lived in Shorewood. Then, later, I created my own chart. It had a bunch of tasks along one edge, and along the other were different TMNT action figures. I guess the idea was that for each row of tasks I completed, I would earn that TMNT action figure. Clearly my completion of most of these tasks was not really solicited by my parents - I was essentially setting up a method of justifying getting the toys. I really don't think it ultimately has to be this way, but it's important to keep in mind that chores are pretty arbitrary and meaningless things to most kids. What sort of disturbs me about this image is how one-sided this chart was. There was little input from my parents. It ultimately was not really followed. And I think I got a lot of the action figures at my next birthday, anyway.

I don't know exactly where this is going. I can see the connection a little bit. If I were to think about where this image takes me, it shows my desire to follow rules. Also, maybe, a belief that I don't deserve what I want unless I meet my conception of other people's expectations. It just sort of reminds me of all the walls I put up around myself. Not very encouraging, but I guess it's important to know. I feel that I could go much deeper than this.

And I'll just have to make more time to sit with my feelings. Remind myself again and again where I'm at, and face it. Look it in the eye and acknowledge it's there. It would be so easy to do that more often, as long as I don't convince myself that it must be a huge project. It's just saying hello. If I do more, I do more; if not, I do not.

On that note, I am ducking out.

Good night.

Day of Feeling 26

I am happy, frustrated, blissed-out, hollowed-out and in love.

There you have it, my feelings tonight.

Good night.

Day of Feeling 25 (Retroposted)

Carlsbad Caverns.

I am sick of thinking my way through problems.

I love, love, love the way I feel around Sarah, the version of myself she draws out of all possible versions of myself.

Tomorrow will be a real adventure - tons of fun, I'm sure.

I know I am trying to identify better with my needs. My need to exchange through touch. It's so important. I find myself occupied, sometimes more consciously than others, with trying to sneak in some contact. Could that be good enough? Do I need to go beyond that?

Do I need to keep pushing for the next stop, hoping, visualizing the next stage of our friendship, my life - or can this be enough? Can it be great that we locked arms for a few seconds? Why not! Why can't that be an end in itself - it's only a tease if I am pushing it aside for more things, for greater things.

Still no push on the inside for any non-thinking approaches to this issue. Of course, the rest of my life, the other 23.5 hours I spend [not] doing this, is the non-intellectual approach.

As I sit here now, it looks like the problem is the not being enthusiastic about right now, the judgment that this right now is not It (inmo?); It is somewhere else. Not here.

Talking with Sarah about the "Firewall" work with Sam, I was reminded how so much of the issue with feelings is disregarding this feeling now.

If I were to come up with one way of doing that better, it would be

Reminding myself to focus on what I am feeling right now, as much as I can.

That's kind of a vague instruction, but it's [unreadable]able because the object, the goal, is so charged, and so real and so clearly important to me.

It's time for bats.

Good evening, y'all.

Day of Feeling 24

This must be the earliest I have ever written an entry for this project. Attribute that to the fact that I am getting up at 5 tomorrow to get a good start on a camping trip.

What a weird day. In some respects, like the fact that I had linner with Abby, it was great. In others, not so.

Crappiness = 1. Annoying Friday afternoon traffic in Santa Fe. Does nobody work on Friday afternoons?

2. Annoying experience at Upaya Zen Center. Only my second time there since deciding I needed to go spend time at a zen center instead of only meditating by myself. Last time my right foot fell asleep, so I thought I should compensate by raising my right knee a little bit with one of their little cushions. This was apparently a bad decision, because after not too long I began to experience excruciating pain in my right knee. It's hard to tell time when you're meditating, but probably about 30 minutes into it, I gently removed the cushion. This helped a little bit, but after what was apparently 9 minutes, the pain became so unbearable that I actually began to feel nauseated and dizzy. Taking this as a clear sign from my body, I decided to switch my legs. I was careful to do this both quickly and quietly, but apparently not enough. This process took less than 10 seconds, but before I was finished, I heard a voice from behind me say, "Please sit silently" or something like that. It was "Please sit ..." and something like silently or quietly or still. I don't remember exactly. Being a dutiful zen student (or am I?), I quickly settled down and continued meditating. I felt a flash of shame, a tinge of pain at what was said. The 40-minute session ended less than a minute later. Awkward! I exited as usual, doing the proper bowing and donation.

I put my sandals on and walked out, not really noticing it, but definitely feeling a bit of anxiety. I had planned to visit the office to talk to someone about instruction in posture. There was no one in the office. I snooped around futilely, looking for a pamphlet or something with community events, but I did not find any right away, and I was not really focusing very well. Two residents stopped by and smiled at me meekly. I wanted to talk to them, but it looked like lunch was starting up quickly (what with a percussive flourish and everything), so I decided not to bother them. I scurried away and drove off to do the rest of my errands for the day.

This was a painful experience. I had time to think about it after making a stupid driving decision and ending up in a long line of traffic (the embarrassing decision was: to drive on Alameda from Gonzales to Galisteo on a Friday afternoon. I know: dumb).

I feel that the admonishment I received was completely uncalled for. It made me feel unwelcome there.

My first, snarky response is: no shit, I'm supposed to sit still during zazen?

With that over: I know what I'm doing. I made this decision knowing fully that one is not supposed to move during zazen. But I was not uncomfortable, I was in pain. And I do know that zazen is not supposed to be a form of torture.

Of course, you did not know this. Which is why it was disrespectful to say something. We do not have an established relationship, and you do not know where I am in my practice. You are a disembodied voice who heard disembodied shuffling sounds, and these annoyed you, so you tried to control the situation.

I was not making exceptional noise for an extended period of time. I was shifting my legs. People shift their legs during zazen, because zazen hurts sometimes. Yes, it's better not to, but people understand that. There are some who are naturally lithe enough, but for some, such as myself, I have to get to a point where I can sit still comfortably. Most people cannot sit in half-lotus for half an hour like I can. I am practicing; I am working at it bit by bit, and I am getting better every day.

I don't know why things were different today. It could be your cushions; it could have been the knee support. I was trying something new, and that was a risk. And with risk comes consequences. I understand this. The consequence I experienced was pain, which was a disruption to my own practice.

You took a risk when you decided to let guests into your zendo. Not everybody practices exactly like you do. I make a point of trying to act like you, do what you do, to fit in, to be respectful to your practices. But I am a human being, not just a set of manners, and sometimes things don't work out perfectly. That is the risk you take.

I just want to add: I did not entirely know I was breaking a rule. It's my understanding that it is acceptable to shift your legs if you are experiencing intense pain, since the pain is more disruptive to your practice than a brief, mindful change of position. It is up to the practitioner to make this decision; and the other practitioners around him trust him to have a sincere reason for doing so.

I guess this is a key issue: the few little words you spoke expressed a lack of trust I had assumed was given to fellow practitioners. This burns a bit.

Was it my fault for assuming it to be there? It could very well be. After all, I have not really spoken with anyone over there. I am entering, practicing and leaving anonymously, speaking nothing, barely even looking at anyone. I have done nothing to garner any relationships with anyone there. I am an outsider.

Ultimately, being chastised in zen practice is nothing horrible, not the end of the world, not an occasion for gnashing of teeth and feeling put-out. Really, you accept all criticism with gratitude and a bow. But you need to establish trust first before it's appropriate. And it is especially unwelcome when it comes from a disembodied voice. Who are you? Look me in the eyes. Give me a face to respond to.

I'm not sure if I'm going back to Upaya, at least with the same intentions that I brought with me today. I need to find a sangha, a group, a community to practice with, ask questions to and be responsible for. Going to anonymous zazen once a week is not that. Perhaps this was just the jolt I needed to realize that I had not really accomplished what I wanted to set out; to find a zen community. There was not a community there, but it was clear that I was not part of it. Perhaps that is the real pain I was feeling today.

Criticism is a very tricky thing with me (probably with everyone). There are just those times when criticism is unwelcome. I think we are taught, especially in zen circles, that all criticism is to be lapped up and taken like a man. But I don't agree. Most of it, perhaps; but at least a small percentage is uncalled for, is out of context, is inappropriate and is destructive. I feel that's what I got today. It is important, however, to keep in mind that being resentful about misplaced criticism is just as pointless. Really the pain experienced should be an occasion to rethink the situation, get a better perspective and hopefully make appropriate changes.

Like in this situation: I need to find a full zen group with a real sense of community.

I say to you: although you can't get me to change my mind that it's gratuitous, thank you for the gratuitous slap on the wrist, o disembodied voice behind me.

Day of Feeling 23

A generally good day, not inspiring me to write very much.

As I type this up, an interesting facebook chat about meeting people in Santa Fe. I was saying that human beings need common goals in order to develop lasting relationships. If you are isolated, reaching out across the gaps is going to feel awkward, too high voltage, too uncomfortable. Remember, the other person's majesty is really your own experience of the electricity of your own need.

People only say yes to a need that is handled properly. They don't want to be involved in a wild need.

Is that the message of Phedre? Need destroys you, need rejected. Need mastered, need accepted. Well, one of many messages.

What makes the heros and don juans irresistible is their ability to accept their needs. (I'm not sure about that one - there must be more to it than that.)

I don't have a whole lot to say philosophically, cleverly.

I think I just want to write something a little rawer, maybe more honest:

I really want to be touched.

I want to be touched, and I want to be able to touch when I want to.

Why, why, why is it so difficult?

Sam asked me to sit and try to dig deep into this issue I have, where I feel my love is so threatening to people I have to hide it at all costs. I haven't had the time yet. Can I do it tomorrow? Saturday? I hope so. I am so reluctant to work on these things...

I will find a way.

Good night.

Day of Feeling 22

I did not follow that schedule. It is so damned hard to get out of bed when I want to - I always have to lie there. I do not want to face the day. This is not a rare problem - everyone deals with this. But why does something so normal feel so wrong? Why is something that feels so wrong so normal?

I want to say there is not much to report today. I have tons to do and no time. I will literally not have any time for dinner tomorrow, for example. I had better eat up in the afternoon, I guess. Friday will be nice.

I don't want to write about feelings, because I don't have too much to say.

I am of course always, always frustrated by the fact that my choices are so limited, in my love life. It annoys me that for some people dating is like a grocery store, where you just go to spend very knowable amounts of money to get what you want whenever you're hungry. And for me, for others, it seems like a casino where you spend and spend and spend so much and only get anything back once in a great while.

It irks me that I am a man who likes to sample, to taste, to investigate, to explore, and here in this part of my life I have no ability to walk, no legs; no choices.

Is this a control thing or a self esteem thing? Both.

It also kinds of bores me to write about this stuff, but I don't want to write about anything else.

I know I am making progress with this project; but tonight I feel like I am nowhere.

To progress is to focus. I feel I have no power over whether I can focus.

Powerlessness, clearly, is what leads to apathy. I think that is clear.

If I feel apathetic in my life, it is because I feel powerless in some way.

Yes, I am whining kind of pointlessly a lot in this post. But it illustrates that dynamic - I complain about something I feel powerless about. I don't feel apathetic about sex, but I think it does add to a kind of general feeling of apathy, of not being okay with myself, who I am, what my life is. Why bother doing things, if I can't be with the people I'm attracted to? That kind of thing.

Can I just flip a switch and suddenly be responsible for those things? Make changes? Become someone new? I'm inclined to say no, but then where does that leave me? With no solution. I just want to bitch about things. What would the solution be?

I sense the first step is to distinguish between things I want and things I need. Something about being desperate, in that state of need, diminishes my self. Needing makes me smaller.

If I can just want something, without that desire being corrupted by need, it not only increases the chances of me getting it, but it also puts me in a more neutral space where I can have it or not. See, if I can't not have it, then I need it, I don't desire it. Things you desire are things you choose, not things you desperately need. (Of course, to pay into some semantic issues, some might say that the "desire" is the desperate need, and the things you choose are wanted or intended or willed or something like that.)

Affection and love and sex are things that I do need. But I do not need the specific objects of these needs. That's another important distinction. I can need sex without needing to have sex with this person or that person. It's hard to get over the objects, but really it's possible to do so.

There is, of course, also the possibility that I am diving off my surf board, again and again and again. When will I remain standing?

Good night.

Day of Feeling 20

I ended last night thinking about feeling criminal.

I can say almost immediately: feeling like a criminal is a vulnerable feeling. This is not much of a stretch, or an abstract analysis. This is what the feeling is. If you are not in fear for your life from the long arm of the law; if you don't feel like the jig is up, the news is out, they finally found you; you do not feel like a criminal. This is not a strong person confident in what he did - this is someone who feels terrified.

I guess part of the big feeling shift in July '07 was the feeling of not being safe; of being vulnerable in a way that I had never felt before. Last night I spent a good part of the night worrying about the conversation I was going to have with the New Mexico Taxation and Revenue Department in the morning about how their amnesty program could help me with the little bit of a pickle I ended up in after last year. I fretted about it after I woke up, too. It was to such an extent that I needed to sit down and really focus on how afraid I was and think about what to do about that. I ended up calling, and it was fine. It seems they offer this amnesty program for just the type of situation I am in; and I am doing the right thing by working with them on it; and they are happy to help me do what I need to do.

What was I afraid of? I guess I felt really vulnerable; I was worried that knowing I had done something wrong would be enough for the hammer to fall on my head. A lack of trust, a feeling of being unable to help myself. I have read the Stoics and the mystics; I know that the core of me is something that these little conflicts can't touch. Yet I am afraid and afraid and afraid for myself over and over again.

I got into a little conflict at work. It was not an ideal situation; but it was workable, and I worked through it best I could. But how do I feel afterward? Afraid for myself. Afraid of retribution and getting attacked, of getting blamed. The feeling: I have done something wrong and there is a bounty on my head. Nowhere is safe!

What is the deal with that? It's incredibly egotistical, I find. Feeling that I am so important that I need to be captured, destroyed, subdued somehow for other people to be safe. Other people are fine.

I want to take a break from this puzzle to say that one reason I might be a little dissatisfied with my life is that my To Do lists are so narrow. I want better goals. Why don't I have grander goals?

I feel like I need that healing, first.

The criminal feeling, the Guilt, really permeates How I Am These Days. Can I just flip it around by doing better things with my life, being creative?

I feel: no. I need to sit down and heal. It feels good to change from one way of being to another, from being closed up to being creative and open. But to find a good place of balance, to be engaging the problem itself, rather than just finding solutions, ways out, seems to be a sounder path.

But then the matter of how to heal?

How to heal the criminal feeling?

A few ideas: rest, take care of myself, allow myself to feel distress and fear without getting irritated at the fact that I'm feeling them.

A few weeks ago I was trying to engage with the fiery, raging bull inside of me. Supposedly I let him out of his den. Where did he go? My masculine energy. I feel like he can only stay out if I create space for him, if I generate habits that support him.

Identifying habits that push away masculine energy, strength, a sense of importance and solidity, would be a good task. Writing that, I am concerned that I won't find any, that I will just find places where the self-respect, the inner-strength is lacking and point at them like a tattling child, saying they need to be different. I don't have to do that. I can look meekly and silently at what I'm doing, following the chain of cause and effect until I find something that will make significant change.

What could that be?

With that, I go to bed.

Good night, all.

Day of Feeling 19

An odd day: not exceptionally good or exceptionally bad.

I got a fair amount done, doing a little cleaning in my room, some planning for Iceland. Finished the work with Sandra. I came up with a sort of plan for setting up a tax id, but I still feel a whole lot of anxiety about that - that I would be entering into something I know nothing about and would be ground up by a process I can't possibly control.

I really don't like that feeling - it's a feeling I've encountered a lot the past few years, I guess since the big change in feeling that occurred around July 2007. When I lost momentum, when I began to feel like my drive to grow diminished; when I began to feel afraid so often; paranoid about past mistakes catching up to me, or people holding grudges and seeking revenge.

This ill, dirty feeling inside my stomach; an empty, ashen pit where there should be a roaring fire.

Phrasing it that way, it points out how much of this is a notable lack of something good and necessary, rather than a notable presence of more frightening or dangerous things. It's easier to say: I'm not safe and need to get somewhere else safe, be with safer people. The safety is inside you, dude.

Why did I begin to feel less safe? It's hard to say, exactly. Working at the shelter, I was getting threatened and intimidated all the time. This is new to me. And I am very clearly afraid of my own aggression. So one simple way of looking at it is: I began to feel my own aggression, and I did not want to let it out.

This gets me thinking about my somewhat aggressive nature as a child, being in a little gang of bullies, lashing out at my sister, too. How did I resolve these things? I remember, too, when I was in 6th grade and briefly into shoplifting, and also sneaking into the Ritz Carlton's fitness club. How did I resolve that stuff? I remember writing about it on the Illucia BBS, back in 1995 or so. I think I wrote something like, "I have an iron will, because I did some bad things in the past, and I don't want to do them again." Did I really learn my lesson? Is there a little criminal in there still? Why did I not want to do them again? Was I acceptably, normally ashamed of my actions? Or did I just not want to risk getting caught again?

The sense that I am doing something criminal, something shameful, permeates all my issues dealing with love, the need to love and be loved. Some of my actions belie a sense that I am not worthy of love, nor worthy to love. As I have perhaps mentioned before, I have to note that this latter issue is very real and very powerful, yet it gets so little attention in popular discussions of feeling, psychology, etc. Loving is just as important as being loved; and so it can be something one feels unworthy of.

Why unworthy? Well, I think to answer that I need to know what it means to be worthy of love. What does that mean? Or is it just that, by default, in a normal life, you are not not worthy of love. Worth doesn't enter the issue. So is self-worth actually something positive, or just the absence of something negative getting in the way?

Why is showing affection such an issue for me? What would happen if I showed affection? Answer from the part of me that's frightened: "It would reveal my need, my rapaciousness, my lust, my dependence, and this would surely lead to rejection. A safer path would be to wait until you are 100% positive that the other person wants your love. Then it's ok."

I respond: But it doesn't work that way. I need to be actively showing my care, my affection, my interest; otherwise there will be no warmth; I look like a dead charcoal. So then no one is attracted or things to come to me for love. If I try to bridge that gap, it seems awkward, because I have set up a precedent of aloofness. It just makes things worse.

The part of me: But how can that be done safely, without overwhelming the other person?

I: Practice.

Part: But it's too late. You would have needed that practice a long time ago. Now it's all habits that are hard to change.

I: There is time yet, especially if I am 1. Motivated 2. Make a conscious effort to let go of these thoughts that it is not ok. In fact, I have made some strides already. Microscopic strides, but strides nonetheless.

Part: There is a build-up of neediness that needs to be addressed. You want affection from all people at all times. There is a real need there that would certainly be overwhelming to other people, were you to involve them in it.

I: Okay, then my needs must be addressed. It is workable. Everything is workable. I can do little things right now. But perhaps it would be good to work on that in the context of a relationship. Yes, the threshold has already been passed at that point, and so a lot of the issues vanish, but that, in turn, makes it easier to move around and do work. Why don't I let my next girlfriend know: I need affection, damn it. I didn't do that nearly enough with Alexa or Sarah, if I did that at all. It was all about them needing affection. Then it enters into the relationship unconsciously, wreaking a little bit of havoc.

I need affection, I need attention, I need sex. Things I don't normally identify with. Would be good to think more about how I need them. Then my needs will be less scary, won't they? I think taking this approach will deflate a lot of the display of affection problems I have.

But there is still the criminal nature thing...

That will have to wait.

Good night for now, all.

Day of Feeling 18

I kind of slipped into oblivion last night. It wasn't very good. I skipped evening meditation and this blog. I don't feel bad about skipping zazen; it was an omission, but I meditated more yesterday than I have in over a year. I skipped my evening session, however, and the evening session is something good in itself. It's not really about quantity.

If I want to start relaxing at around 5pm, it makes it really hard to come out of the (pleasant) downward slide. I guess I could make a point of doing what needs to get done before I realize that I am approaching the tiredness threshold. And it's not like I didn't realize what was happening - I made a point of taking my medicine and brushing my teeth before I began watching the office.

Or maybe it was plenty good that I slipped away. I've been very busy lately, and I deserve a bit of time off. I guess I just feel that there are better ways to relax; relaxation does not have to conflict so much with my commitments, etc.

I would make a vow here to do double duty blogging today, to make up for my omission yesterday, but, really, that's trying to erase the past. Yesterday was lost. I can continue to move forward with a little gash.

Reading a post on Robert Johnson / Jerry Ruhl's blog about Bhakti love, makes me want to write that letter to Robert I've been wanting to for years now. Well, it re-inspires me to do so, and it helps me put it in perspective. Of course what I am looking for in communicating with this man is Bhakti love. I think it would make a lot of sense if I framed it in that context. It would make it less embarrassing and confusing to write.

Still not so much non-intellectual approach to my feelings. I am going out to the country today with Matt and Elea. Maybe, lying by the side of the river, I can do some real work. Maybe it will be a good place to sit and reflect (non-intellectually)?

I feel a little detached from the project at the moment. But it's for a good reason: I feel very relaxed and ready for whatever. I don't feel a need to push myself in any direction.

There is a lot. There is a tremendous lot of things to focus on, to do. But this is right now. And of course, right now is the only place anything can be done.

Let it be a good day.

Day of Feeling 16

As I sit down to write, the biggest thing in my mind is a sense of frustration at the weight that I am gaining. I see exactly how my dinner tonight contributed to that: too much soba, one too many ice-cream sandwiches. One too many croissanwiches at lunch. Breakfast was ok. I can always keep things within reason first thing in the morning.

I feel so justified in eating these treats - how can I possibly argue against it? What are the exact reasons I want to moderate my eating and lose weight?

I think they are mainly vain reasons. I am not, in fact, honestly out to take care of my body.

This touches the shadow-talk I went into yesterday.

I think one definition of good self-esteem is a marked lack or reduction of conflict with your shadow. You identify with and sympathize with the parts of yourself you had to choose to reject. I, and most people, I think, tend to struggle a bit.

One thing to note is that I don't feel like I had any choice. That I always had to be divided. This is of course a major issue when it comes to my feelings. I never feel like I have any choice, and therefore little responsibility. Or the choice seems so murkily indirect and complicated I feel I might as well have no choice. I just want to avoid the whole issue.

I had two interesting and compelling moments of good, solid anger while I was out walking at various times today.

The first was thinking both about myself and my clients. I felt that the biggest problem people face is not taking responsibility for enjoying their lives. They want life to be enjoyable spontaneously and without any effort on their part. When they meet with disappointment, they try to compensate. They go to drugs or food or just laziness and avoidance. Anything to get away from boring reality. This first of all wears people out; it costs good feeling to be always criticizing the world around you. Second, it saps motivation. Why work and get a job and have a family and do right if the sum total of enjoyment is mostly going to stay the same?

The society in which we find ourselves deals with this issue poorly. They say you will be happy when you have a house and money and a spouse and children. But it is not automatically so. These things are just the trappings of a rich life of self-respect and true belonging to community. If you get all those things without either the internal belonging or the community, you will still feel empty and back to the bottle and the streets you go. Of course, not everyone ends up on the streets or in detox, but it's all increments on the same ruler.

The issue, then, is that it is hard to touch that real center of lack, of self-hatred, of frustration and confusion. It's almost completely untouchable. I see all kinds of people in therapy, including myself, and I watch them and myself, and deep down I think we're all really, really hurting in a serious way. I don't mean to ham up the victim stance; I think this is an objective fact, a phenomenon that can be observed in the way that people interact with the world and the way they reveal how they feel about themselves.

Deep down, everyone is desperately wondering, why? Why should I do anything? Why should I try? This is what I'm wondering.

You are meant to feel good; you are clearly not meant to be a collection or receptacle of good feelings. To collect these experiences, in terms of real healing, is almost worth as much as not having them at all. They have value in themselves, of course, but they can't change the core, they don't reach deep enough.

If I step back, I can see that the chief culprit here is the belief that something is going to come along and give you a reason to live. There is nothing in the universe that can do that for you. And to the extent that any reason to live that you come up with is still something to rely on for wanting to live, there is no reason to live. I think you have to live with that; I think once you enter a world in which there is meaninglessness, you can never go back again. Meaninglessness is that character they added in the 9th season of your favorite show that just kind of spoils the whole thing, but it's too late. Meaninglessness is an eternal jumping of the shark.

It's frightening, because I think Meaninglessness leads to Stillness and nowhere else. Once you've found Meaninglessness, you can't ever really go back to the Midway and the Fireworks; at least not until you go through Stillness. You have to go to Stillness, and you have to master it and summon up what is inside you to master it. That's a shitload of work.

So how am I going to begin losing weight, for real? Stillness. How will I choose a career? Stillness. My career will be Stillness and my hobbies will be Stillness.

Makes it seem like I should just get on with it already and join a Zen monastery, right?

Makes me want to get on with my evening zazen.

On that note,

Good Night.

Day of Feeling 15

Here I am, way too late again. I guess I can handle an hour less of sleep or so, but certainly an hour more wouldn't hurt. Having fun is fun too, though, and I had a good time playing Quelf.

It did cause some anxiety. It was fun joking around, but the cards I kept getting dealt meant that I could not relax for the entire game. That was great, because I really need help not relaxing in social situations. I sort of froze up a few times when I had to be creative. Though other times the ideas were flowing (the beartrap, excuses for ditching work/school: those types of cards).

It was a lot of fun watching t.v. with everyone. I didn't want to leave. It felt like where I needed to be. So maybe it was where I needed to be.

I want to gush a little bit, but I hold myself back. Partially because this blog, if seldom read, is not secret, and it would be best if these things were secret. Partially because I always feel a little guilty for being interested in someone. Partially because I always feel like a fool when I'm interested in someone, particularly someone who is not clearly interested in me, and I want to avoid the embarrassment. Now that I think about it, it is the guilt thing that holds me back the most. The other two I feel like I could bravely put aside. Not the guilt thing.

Not the sense that I am a transgressor, that male sexual attention is always threatening, distasteful, a crime, an act of violence. I do honestly believe that this idea permeates the culture in which I find myself, but of course a lot of it is me blowing things out of proportion. For some reason, this idea sticks with me. I can't shake it. I want to believe that even having the feelings that these feelings are bad makes me bad. Why would I be suspicious if there weren't some truth behind it?

That line of reasoning does not seem to be realistic. If I follow, say, Jungian psychology, though, a response to that line of thinking would be: yes, there is a criminal side to all of us, and that side is real. We are only truly judged in life by the choices we make, but there is still that criminal side that needs to be confronted and understood. The shadow.

What is my shadow?

Prone to always taking, always wanting more.
He needs attention and affection at all times, to no end.
Always, always, always. He is characterized by his unwillingness for things he wants to change, for things to end.
Things he does not want must be abandoned at all costs.
He desires things regardless of contexts, even when they cannot and should not be given.

What is it that finally provides measure and proportionality to one's desires? Is that even desirable in itself? Aren't many people praised for their insatiable appetites to create, to discover, or even just to enjoy life?

I guess the biggest difference between me and those people is that those people look at everything they do in the moment as important. For me, what is important is elsewhere. That is such a hard thing to do.

I am growing tired right now, and I want to go to bed. But mustn't I look at what I'm doing now as important? Or, by asking that, am I not saying that wanting to sleep is not important? I guess what I'm doing now must trump what is speculative, what is future.

But this is a good juncture for sleep.

Good night.

Day of Feeling 14

I am struggling to get in an evening according to plan. Well, I can always try Thursday night (Wednesday being infinitely busy).

I am still disconcerted at how busy my current life is. I never liked working until 11, but I realize now how efficient it actually is to have a large stretch of free time, as opposed to two chunks at the beginning and end of the day. My goal has been to begin zazen at 10pm. This would mean blogging around 9:30. Here it is, quarter to 11. And I meant to do something extra every day: imagination, focused meditation, journeying - when would I do that? I have things to do at the bookends of my days. Bills to pay and documents to file. How did my life get so busy?

Today I had a good session with Sam. We focused on "Firewall." His suggestion is something that did not really occur to me: perhaps if I feel the Firewall so strongly, then it is not a good idea to step through it. Perhaps it exists for a reason. Intuitive information aside, this notion astounds me. Why is it so hard for me to accept the feeling as valid? If I am very much afraid to do something, why is my first instinct to say, "Ok, how can I not be afraid of this?" rather than "I am afraid of this, and until I prove otherwise, I should avoid this thing."

I have gotten into the habit of distrusting myself quite a bit. Sometimes circumspection of my wiring is helpful, but I think that developing a habit of self-distrust will hurt in the long run, no matter how justified individual cases are. And those cases are certainly dubious.

To get back to the topic at hand, Firewall had a lot to do with attraction. And there is still the fear of my own attraction that gets in the way of things. Sam suggests that this is not a feeling that anyone would be born with; it is natural, but it is natural in the sense that it commonly and effortlessly gets put in place at a certain point. It just happened to do so particularly strongly with me. Everyone in society keeps a certain distance, is a little bit reserved about affection and attention. I just seem to have picked up a protocol slightly off from everyone else's; I require more explicit discussion and permission in order for a relationship to switch from non-physical to physical than most people do in the society around me. I am perfectly fine being touched myself, granted, of course, that nothing creepy, aggressive, etc. is going on. I simply have a hang-up about touching other people. It's such a frightening prospect, that I just usually keep to myself. But inside I so much want to touch and be touched - it's almost the opposite as on the inside. I'm always hoping that someone will hug me, or even just tap my shoulder casually. The jackpot would be if someone asked me for a hug or a kiss, in a way that didn't express indignation or impatience at not having done it soon enough.

The real jackpot, of course, would be if I could get over this. Well, here I go again: my attitude is that I need to get over the feeling. Is there anything valid, helpful in the feeling that touching people is inappropriate in all circumstances without express and/or obvious permission? Not in all circumstances.

It does indeed seem as if the real problem here is that I want to be touched in all circumstances, and some part of me is absorbed in this wish so much at all times, that I have not learned to distinguish between appropriate and inappropriate times, so I avoid the situation altogether. Of course when I am dating someone, touching is fine, is easy, is constant, is a non-issue. It's getting past that threshold I just can't manage.

Sam suggests focused meditation on past events that might have caused this feeling to stick. I will try to do that when I can. Maybe I can find a few minutes, maybe even ten or fifteen minutes, for me to work on this. I hope I can.

Good night.

Day of Feeling 13

The biggest issue right now is procrastination. I have spent a lot of time doing what I did not need to do. Some things I enjoyed and/or needed to do, but didn't plan for. I am writing this over an hour later than I prescribed for myself.

This is how it has been going for a long time.

I feel like I don't have time for anything. When I do I have time, I don't want to do anything. What is wrong with me? Why don't I do the things I plan to do?

I am feeling I am very negative. I simply want myself to act according to standards that are not realistic. What are realistic standards?

I don't even want to write anymore. I just want to have had everything done already. I hate the feeling of things being undone - but I hate the feeling of only going through this list of things to do. It doesn't work; it never worked; it will never work. There needs to be a better way to plan things, desire things, want things, wish things, will things.

Right now, wanting means a lot of things. I almost feel it's not fair that I need to figure this out. Human beings have been wanting things for thousands of years. Why hasn't anyone figured out what wanting is?

I think perhaps the chief problems is that wanting is an analytical fragment of a continuous phenomenon. The fragment is centered upon a word we use to express our relationship with certain objects. Wanting is almost a kind of possession flag placed on an object. It's almost more about defining the object than defining the self. Or perhaps that is entirely wrong - it is about defining the self using the object. I don't know why exactly.

I am not in the mood to continue right now. I swear - I'm not in a terrible mood, I'm just not in a settled mood, either! It would be good to sit zazen for the next few minutes. Thinking is not what I need to do right now.

Good night.

Day of Feeling 12 (Retroposted)

Tonight I find myself feeling a little anguish - it began with thinking about job security - maybe I'll be laid off? Do I need to run out and get a master's?

I feel I am not living my true potential. I also feel: maybe my idea of my own true potential is not realistic.

I want to be living more energetically.

But I don't have the energy.

The feeling (anguish) of not living to my potential is a distracting worry. I feel removed, disillusioned, exposed. A film has been placed over Feeling-Space - or Feeling-Space has been taken away. There is a lack of Feeling-Space. With Feeling-Space comes comfort, a sense of living, breathing, mobility, security. So this life anguish is a type of insecurity, a fear. I want to move out of these insecurities, fears into Feeling-Spaces.

I am on a plane and finding it difficult to focus. There is more to write about - infinitely more to think about and to do, so a part of me wants to press on.

I want to press on the most when I think, "What is the next step?"

If I could focus, that would bring me to a better viewpoint.

What does it mean to not focus?

(I daydreamed for 3 minutes or so after writing that last sentence.)

I want something so much out of my fantasies. Fantasizing itself is not a lack of focus - it's using this function to try to fill something - to fill a lack. What am I lacking? Why use fantasy to fill it? Is it actually satisfying? If not, why do I continue?

Good thoughts.

One of these days I'll get to non-rational treatment. Maybe at the symbolic 1st day of the second half of September - Sept. 16 Thursday night - makes sense.

Good night, all.

Day of Feeling 11 (Retroposted)

I am writing amidst the din of a wedding party - actually, it's a very good band that plays a lot of the hip hop music I like - R + B , I mean.

I am most likely a little bit drunk, as I have had 2 pints of beer, a glass of wine, a gin and tonic and a Manhattan.

Parties are always a little strange for me. I am a solitary guy, as they say.

I guess, technically, theoretically, I could go out and talk to more people, maybe dance. But I'm not. It feels awkward, because I'm not doing it for the sake of doing it, but doing it because I need something. I need to get laid, be ecstatic, etc. I could actually be ecstatic if I went out there and danced even by myself. But the getting laid part is more important, apparently. It drowns out other needs.

It's a need that often gets eclipsed in me - the need to find a woman. There is perhaps one woman here who is single and whom I am interested in. I could go and dance next to her, or wait until an opportunity to speak with her - but the very fact that I would do those things just for a chance to sleep with her - it feels off. I refuse. I won't act just to get laid.

And, well, I don't get laid. Never. Sex has never, ever been casual for me.

I am not extremely comfortable with that.

Of course, the whole self-respect thing - the FIREWALL - accounts for that. To the extent that they account for anything.

In a certain way - I was wholly me today - I did a reading that so many people loved. And if that does not attract people, then, well, so be it. There I am.

In another sense, the world, the dance floor, is just over there. I can go and be me and be ok. I can be ok, not being noticed; I can be ok not noticing, not acknowledging. Here I am. Here I am.

It's hard leaving this self-esteem thing. It's hard perceiving myself as unattractive, as unworthy of love. (That's the essential one.) If people want to walk by me, that's ok. If no one talks to me, that's ok. Of course, people do stop to see me, and talk to me. But it's ok if they don't.

Feeling-Space makes me feel fuller. Much, much fuller. It's so important. There is so much to Feeling-Space. My only hang up is that it could be deceptive - could be an instance of me relying on fantasy instead of reality - but it could be the union of reality and fantasy.

It does clear the slate - makes me feel good about the choices I make. It reminds me not to be follower/[unreadable] / wallflower. I can't be those things.

I am so harsh on the judgment of myself, it is crippling. Best to be free of that judgment.

What is judgment, and why does it weigh on me?

Time to cut out into the world a tiny bit again.

Good Night.

Day of Feeling 10 (Retroposted)

Today I worked a little on the practical, social aspects of self-respect. Just a little. What Sarah told me a few days ago, about being fun, has stuck in my mind. It's one of the greatest things anyone has told me. More on that later...

Anyway, I have taken that idea to heart. I felt more and more ok where I am. I see the co-dependent "follower" behaviors, but it's ok. You have got to just let them be. Change comes through observation.

So, for example, at the wedding rehearsal today, there were lots of interesting ladies who might possibly make me feel miserable for "lacking" them, and then that desperate feeling might arise that makes me follow them around meekly - not predatorally, more parasitically - not really pursuing so much as hanging around. In fact, it's more a mental pursuing, sticking-to, than physical.

I could possibly feel that way. And I did. But I could also possibly not feel that way - AND I DID. This is a long-time lesson I began to learn in Israel - the whole be yourself comfortably, be around others comfortably deal. It's tough. It's tough to visualize and to execute.

I want to mention a feeling from yesterday - I saw a guy at the food court in Houston who might have been Bill Murray. I obviously believed it to some degree, because the notion of going closer to get a better look terrified me. I walked away.

I want to call out that feeling of unapproachability and I want to call it Wall of Fire - Firewall! I feel it a lot with women I am attracted to, especially if there is some kind of hope. I felt that way with Shay's friend Cheshire. The idea of going up to her and saying hello was terrifying. I'm not always shy about that. I think it has to do with an intuition of success, of it possibly going somewhere. I am in many ways afraid of my own feelings, of what might emerge in me, possibly overwhelming me. I This is a big one - you have a name: Firewall.

Aha! Writing is a great way to feel good! Poetry, creatively, especially. A necessary thing!

I am full right now- too full to continue. Also, there is little time so far for active imagination. When I get back?

Have a lovely night.

Day of Feeling 9 (Retroposted)

9/9/2010

11:11pm

Spring Green, WI

The first of these paper blogs. I felt feeling, feeling, feeling on the drive to Spring Green from MKE. Feeling-Space. I looked at all the barns, houses, shops, any building, any tree - the rocky cross-sections of the hills, and it opened up worlds for me. A small part of it is: I have not left NM in over a year. Part of it is: I am a sucker, who lets my conception of other people get into my mind - and I was thinking of Sarah, Sarah, Sarah all the time. It is her home town.

That is something important to note.

Also - this Feeling-Space, the place I want to go - it actually has a tremendous throne inside me. It is something of strong importance. It is telos. It is the stuff that will and desire and motivation and self are made of. I feel that my attachment to Feeling-Space / other people is part of my smallness, my problems - but I also think it is essential. It is self-creating, that is, it creates a self.

I don't think I'm alone. I started re-reading Look Homeward, Angel today, and I see a lot of that search in Oliver Gant, in little Eugene, too. (I haven't read far.)

This makes me feel, if I follow the pain that Feeling-Space leads to, I might create a self.

But with all the low self-esteem aside, it might come at a price. What is self respect?

That will be all tonight.

Journeying, or active imagination might be difficult. I will keep a look out for good times, but I might need to wait until I get back.

Day of Feeling 8

Today is a little bit of a lapse; tomorrow through Sunday will be, too.

I will be out of town, away from my computer and probably any computer where I can spend a decent amount of time. I will be blogging manually in my notebook, however. I guess I should be all formal and serious about it and transcribe what I write back onto the internet when I get back. Yes, I'll do that.

What I am feeling right now is stress, and the confusion of being insecure on the night of travels. If I think about it, my biggest concern is time. Making it to my flight on time. I guess I cut it a little bit close with the scheduling, but I'll be ok.

I'm taking a few moments to center myself...

What occupied my thoughts today were two things:

1. I've been doing too much thinking for these days of feeling. I am supposed to be using the blog to report, not to rely on it as the only activity. I'll need to do something. I think active imagination would be the simplest, most helpful thing; so I'll see if I have time to do that on my trip.

2. Self-esteem. What does that actually mean? How do you turn it on and off? I really don't understand self-esteem. Sometimes I think I have it, sometimes it seems I don't have it. I'm sure there's some helpful literature on this subject. But self-esteem has everything to do with feeling, and why I wanted to devote this month to feeling. It's like the core that arranges feelings, or something like that. A pattern, a cohesiveness of feeling, a strong identity. People who have low self-esteem seek their identity from other people. Low self-esteem isn't just the absence of something in you, like a car on an empty tank. It's an activity that has a unique character separate from high self-esteem.

Anyway, I've used up all my time. Something to think about. I'm glad I took the time to write it all down.

Good night, feeling fans.

Day of Feeling 7

The end of the first week of feeling.

So far, I have merely blogged. I have naturally done things good for inspiring me to focus on my feelings: visiting my therapist; going to yoga; hiking (on Sunday); visiting my friend Abby; and, of course, zazen. Which has gone pretty well.

I am tired and a little unfocused, so this will be a vignette entry.

I woke up feeling really, really good. This is something rare for me. I woke up at 6:45 and felt nice and lay in bed a while. I ended up falling asleep again and waking up with my alarm at 7:30. I did not feel quite as good at that point.

Zazen was particularly focused.

Work was focused, was good.

After work I went to Bingo with Sarah and Lizz. It was a good time. Again, I felt a little awkward about being silent, never being sure if I would be a flowing well of interesting, fun things to say. Being a little bit down on myself for not being "fun," but, I think, being generally ok.

I caught myself being gloomy, but there did not seem to be much to do. I can't just tell myself: "stop focusing on negative things." It's a pattern, it's a way of being. I focus on negative things, on my shortcomings, because I want to focus on negative things. Can I tell myself: "Stop wanting to do that"?

I came home a little distracted, desperately needing to find something. What was it? I did not remember to reflect on the possibility that what I was looking for was expanded consciousness. So I still don't know if that works. But I'm reviewing it right now, so maybe I'm one step closer to remembering.

In fact, this last paragraph makes this whole blog entry worthwhile. What am I looking for? Remember to ask myself, What am I looking for? Is the solution perhaps outside of the parameters I'm clinging to?

The little devil's advocate inside me is saying, "Well, what if I don't really care what I get? What if I just want to be looking?" I believe the first part of that, not the second. Yes, so what if I'm looking - does the fact that I am desperately searching for something mean that I really, truly want to find what I'm looking for, or care if I get any result at all? I think that's an assumption I just can't back up. The phenomenon of desperately searching seems to be an end in itself. Which means that snapping out of it is not a carrot I can dangle in front of myself while I'm caught in it: snapping out of it needs to be an end in itself, too.

If you replace one goal with another, deep down I think I recognize that you can exchange that goal for something else. The end-in-itself route seems like the most solid one, to me. And the most foreign.

This was supposedly the big insight I came back with after my zen stay last year: there never needs to be an answer to a question. Constantly searching for answers, you will never stop. Perhaps I don't really need to stop. Maybe walking to the horizon is a good thing, the best thing. But I do not need answers to keep going, and this is what I do. I ask a question and sit in the road, waiting for the answer. I need to pursue it. You are always a little off balance, a little out of control, when you are doing things right. You are stepping on your own toes. You are asking the next question before you've gotten an answer to the first one. This off-balance is what real peace, real stillness feels like, because you are alive in it, swimming in it, not fighting it, not expecting things to go as you planned.

So the one big insight: there is no reason to do anything.

I will stop for now.

Good night.

Day of Feeling 6

So it's good that I wrote down what I wanted to write today, because I certainly would have forgotten. Resistance feelings. The very feelings I have felt for the past 30 mins, as I avoid writing about them.

I wanted to spend time blogging; instead I read through old e-mails, ones I wrote from Japan in summer 2009. I would like to pinpoint exactly what's going on there.

On the surface, it's almost like the important thing is that it's indecision. That is, I am not deciding what to focus on. I want to do one thing, and I want to do another, at the same time. Somehow, one of these things wins out.

Asking myself, how does one thing win out? I want to think: it seems easier; it seems more spontaneous; it seems related to a stronger, more immediate need than the other thing.

So I do that one easier thing (reading through e-mails) rather than the other thing (blogging) because the emotion behind it (nostalgia? need to confirm that I did good things, that I had a girlfriend, that I went to Japan and had a good time?) is stronger than the need to blog (a need to be consistent, to follow up on a decision I made a few weeks ago).

Ok, so there are two things operating: first, the inability to decide what to work on; second, the dichotomy of different needs. Does one cause the other? Is the fact that my need to read old e-mails is stronger than my need to blog, the reason why I cannot decide? No, that does not make sense. If comparative urgency/fascination were the only factor, I would simply choose one rather than the other.

And I don't think feelings work in terms of comparison or quantity. I really feel that, at bottom, that's a false and inapt analogy. I feel that it might be good to disabuse myself of the notion that feelings are of a certain quantity, one being stronger or more than the other. Perhaps the idea that some feelings are stronger than others naturally leads one to discount very important feelings that are nonetheless very subtle. Constantly comparing feelings ultimately makes me insensitive to very crucial moments of feeling. This, like the idea that I am wholly responsible for how I feel, blows my mind.

Let me mark it down: The two mind blowing concepts are: 1. I am responsible for my feelings. 2. Stronger feelings are not more important than weaker ones.

Maybe a way to look at it is this: stronger or weaker feelings have nothing to do with the real importance of a feeling; rather it has to do with how I am calibrated as an instrument of feeling. And perhaps it is my job to calibrate myself so I feel certain things more strongly than other things. Again, coupled with the responsibility idea, this is terrifying. This is something crucial I have been neglecting and neglecting.

So back to resistance, what is it? It sort of seems to me that although this idea of No Comparison is important, the real issue with resistance is indecision. If I decided one course of action, there would be no tension. The tension I feel with resistance might be a call to step back, look at where I am scattered, and try to come to a conscious decision.

I feel this a lot at home, when I am at my computer. Most often, when I am in this mood of resistance, I am not really enjoying what I am doing. There is a searching quality, like I am desperately looking for something. Desperately being a relative term here - I'm not getting all that bent out of shape. The searching, looking looking looking aspect of it is important, too. I am imagining, now, that this is due to a shrinking of consciousness. That is, I am not resolving a decision, so my mind is contracting rather than expanding. This contracting leaves me with a sense of longing and urgency to do something, but because I am not going the most productive avenue, taking the route that will end the tension, I am left to wander around aimlessly.

This seems a little psychoanalytical, and maybe a little too abstract, but I think there is truth to this notion, and I ought to at least try it out - observe a little bit better the next time I am feeling a lot of resistance / avoidance.

This is plenty for now.

Good night.

Day of Feeling 5

I have edited out the (Part I) from my previous post, because I did not end up writing any more that evening. Just a little bit of honesty here.

So once again I have waited until way late to do this, to do so very much of what I had set out to do. This whole phenomenon of setting out things to do and then not doing them, wasting time, has led me to believe that I am creature capable of neither doing what is good for me or what I want. What is it that I do, then? Am I dominated by a kind of fear of certain things that causes me to go around and around in circles?

It is frustrating to write that, because it seems like there is no real object for my fear. What a waste, being afraid of nothing! If it were something, I could find a way to not be afraid of it. But if it's nothing, if it's repressed, if it's unconscious, then it's out of my control, so what can I do about it?

But I think the important thing might be that there is no real object; it is my job to accept the fear itself. This is what I am not doing very well. I don't have to look at the fear itself as something alien. I can look at the fear itself as I myself. Incorporate it; realize it; identify with it; take responsibility for it.

That is a huge step I do not want to take: to take responsibility for the way I feel. I have spent so much of my life convincing myself that my feelings are the result of circumstances I have no control over. In fact, how I feel is the result of how I decide to live my life. Perhaps feelings cannot materialize out of thin air; they take time and work to occur. Maybe there is always going to be a certain amount of delay; feelings are not like my private bathroom that I can just walk into at any time. They are a part of my sense of self but they are not myself. What is important is to remember that they do not occur randomly; they reciprocate my conscious activities and choices.

Again, a frightening concept: I have relied so much on the notion that I feel a certain way because things have led me to feel that way. To acknowledge that I am responsible: well, then I have chosen to waste myself in a lot of ways. I could choose to care about myself rather than neglect myself. I don't neglect myself; I just take care of myself more for a fear of falling apart than for genuine Self-Respect. I capitalized that phrase, because it deserves extra attention and focus. It is a key idea here. The lack of Self-Respect is a key problem in my life. I would do well to understand it better.

So I have a glimmer of understanding here: Self-Respect; reciprocity of feeling in life; responsibility of feeling.

I would like, if I could, to take up the topic of resistance feelings; resistance of doing things, for tomorrow's post. Let's see if I can stick with it.

Good night.

Day of Feeling 4

I wanted to slip in some blogging time while the sun was still up for once. Of course, I have all but run out of time. I already need to get going to the things I'm going to do this afternoon.

I just want to mention right now that the past two nights I have dreamed of having sex, and it was the most pleasurable dream sex I've ever had. I'm left with a very warm feeling. Note that I did not reach climax either time. In fact, thinking about these dreams, I think of the very best experiences I had doing tantric practice. Tantric sex always seemed very formal and challenging to me; experiencing them in the dreams, it was much freer and easier. A simple delight. In a dream, things can be majestic, awesome, exotic, small, approachable and familiar all at the same time. I wonder if this conjunction of feeling is possible in real life? How much can the rose and the fire be one? Does life have to be rose, fire, rose, fire, on and on? Is that the fate of mortals who have to live according to the laws of time?

Day of Feeling 3

There was an interesting contrast tonight.

So I went out to dinner and a movie with Erin and Sarah. I am drawn to
Sarah still. I stand by my conviction that we don't need to date, that not
being together really is ok, but even phrasing it that way avoids the issue
that on some level I am into her. It was a fun time, but with added
frustration on top. I must admit that the tension makes me act slightly
more morose, too circumspect, a little disconnected from everything. Or it
brings out these flavors like citrus juice on a fish.

So we watched the movie, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, and it was great. I
had a blast. We get home, I say a somewhat longer goodbye than I usually
do, and it was yes frustrating and nice at the same time. Erin and Sarah
are good people to hang out with, and it helps to ease the pain of being
tied in knots.

I get home and there are a few responses to my silly facebook post about
becoming a Gonzales, and I feel great. Uplifted. Rosario's comments
actually struck a chord with the movie, what with the trials and
tribulations and earning a life. This is just as much a fantasy, but I use
it to bolster myself. It's silly and small.

My question is: is everything silly and small, that I will endlessly be
blowing out of proportion one way or another, positively or negatively?

This is kind of the core issue. The main issue is: are my feelings real? I
look at them as either microscopic or blown out of proportion. Nothing is
settled, nothing is normal. Feelings are never normal or comfortable to me.
Why?

My feelings are so easily affected by the environment. That could have a
lot to do with it. "Have your feelings hurt." Usually we interpret that
phrase to simply mean you hurt the other person. But right now I look at it
as a force, a contusion or concussion that distorts the normal flow of your
feelings, because they were too weak to withstand the blow, so they turn in
a different direction. If your feelings aren't hurt easily, they flow
strong like a river that cannot be bent.

I am not that. My feelings are easily bruised. I have learned to keep these
bruises to myself; I don't do a horrible job of it either, but the central
fact that I am hurt does not dissipate.

I guess, also, that I have never decided if I want to focus on healing the
wounds or on becoming stronger. I keep wavering back and forth between what
I want to focus on - do I need something or not - it changes from week to
week.

It seems clear to me that healing must occur before I can effectively
strengthen myself.

What are the wounds? What needs healing? What would healing mean? How can a
feeling really be bruised? How far does the "wound" metaphor actually go?

Good night.

Day of Feeling 2

Ok, I keep ending up with too little time to really sit down with things.

I am observing my feelings slightly more often than I normally do, but without any significant increase in intensity, unless blogging about it is a significant increase in intensity. It could be.

There are a million things I could talk about, as I had a million feelings over the course of the day.

One thing I want to sort of tackle a little bit, before I go to bed later than planned, is Feeling-Space. This is something very powerful and omnipresent in my life, but it is something I understand very little.

Feeling-Space.

For example: it is 2006, and I am contemplating what it would be like to visit St. Elizabeth Homeless Shelter, to see if I can volunteer. I visit it one day, and I am left with a certain impression. As I think about my experience, I am fixated on the Feeling-Space. My imagined conception of "what it would be like" has a certain feeling. This has everything to do with expectation and anticipation, but there is very little that is intellectual or instinctual. This is an experience of concreteness. To describe it, I could say that when I anticipate "what it would be like to work at the shelter," I am treated to a little show in my mind, of course compacted into a single moment's sensation, where I can see the pine trees growing outside of the shelter, except perhaps they are a little bit abstracted, against abstract, unelaborated backgrounds. I can smell the earth at the entrance, feel the cool late summer breeze that blew in front of the door. This all gets bundled into a single Feeling-Space.

Feeling-Space is not a concept I have learned through analysis; this a very natural and familiar imaginative activity. When I try to motivate myself to do something, I bring up an appropriate Feeling-Space - the power of feeling compacted into a single moment.

It has everything to do with motivation, anticipation, expectation, hope. Negatively, it has to do with resistance, disappointment, disillusionment. Perhaps Feeling-Space is the illusion that I am cured of.

I have a hunch that Feeling-Space is something familiar to everyone. As far as I have seen, it has never really been articulated, never really been differentiated from other feeling experiences. Actually, different feeling experiences are not really differentiated much at all. You just say "I had a powerful feeling." What does that mean? We have general labels like happiness, sadness, awe, wonder, anger, frustration, jealousy. These terms are not empty; they distinguish feelings based on the types of judgments and sensations that accompany them. But Feeling-Space has unique imaginative content to it as well. Is this another level of feeling that we simply have not developed language for?

Should I perhaps identify it as Feeling-Image, rather than Feeling-Space? I'm almost tempted to call it a Being in its own right - it is unique, organic, and it, well, feels alive. Is Feeling-Space related to that very shadowy and controversial topic known as Other People? Is each Feeling-Space another being in my life, just as much as the people I work with?

Many, many questions. I'm glad I decided to open this line of inquiry. I feel I have not even touched upon a fraction of the issues this idea raises. I have a practical need to understand it, too: I feel that Feeling-Spaces toy with the way I relate to the world and the people in it, perhaps acting as a feeling substitute for Other People. How does it function?

That will have to do for now.

Good night.

Day of Feeling 1

Here I am, writing on my first day of the project, and I have had precious little time to myself (in a good way, mostly), so I will be rushing a little bit.

I started things off with a nice therapy session. What we talked about mainly was a pattern of feeling I have notice throughout my life: a sense of feelings going only one way. I have been on both sides of this game. I have spent a lot of time in unrequited love situations. When I have dated, or been very close, I have been the one who is not reciprocating feeling. I will call this One Way. Extreme need vs. apathy.

Tied to this is a feeling of guilt, feeling bad, feeling wrong, feeling inappropriate. I will call this Guilt, for short.

Tied to this, also, is a strange feeling that I formally labeled as "sickly sweet" or "saccharine." I now realize that these terms don't adequately describe this feeling. For some reason I want to call it Turquoise. It has to do with sexuality; it has to do with feeling too close, smothered; imprisoned, trapped; undifferentiated; not permitted or not desiring to branch out, to venture out into the world; it has to do with my father.

All three of these feel tied together. Or maybe I should go easy about saying whether or not certain feelings are tied together, because maybe all feelings are tied together. But I am left with some guideposts, and I have given them names so I can easily recall them in the future. One Way, Guilt, Turquoise.

I would like to feel freer in my relationships with people. All people, any people, not just lovers. I feel trapped by my patterns, and I would like to be free of them. I had fun with friends at trivia tonight, but I felt crinkled and caught in myself due to tiny little, perhaps unnoticeable social anxieties (but nothing is really unnoticed). It's things like this I want to be free from.

I need to end now - I feel like I have created a lot of loose ends - I'm not quite as far as I would like to be. But I have done something, and doing more is why we have tomorrow.

Good night.