Day of Feeling 10 (Retroposted)

Today I worked a little on the practical, social aspects of self-respect. Just a little. What Sarah told me a few days ago, about being fun, has stuck in my mind. It's one of the greatest things anyone has told me. More on that later...

Anyway, I have taken that idea to heart. I felt more and more ok where I am. I see the co-dependent "follower" behaviors, but it's ok. You have got to just let them be. Change comes through observation.

So, for example, at the wedding rehearsal today, there were lots of interesting ladies who might possibly make me feel miserable for "lacking" them, and then that desperate feeling might arise that makes me follow them around meekly - not predatorally, more parasitically - not really pursuing so much as hanging around. In fact, it's more a mental pursuing, sticking-to, than physical.

I could possibly feel that way. And I did. But I could also possibly not feel that way - AND I DID. This is a long-time lesson I began to learn in Israel - the whole be yourself comfortably, be around others comfortably deal. It's tough. It's tough to visualize and to execute.

I want to mention a feeling from yesterday - I saw a guy at the food court in Houston who might have been Bill Murray. I obviously believed it to some degree, because the notion of going closer to get a better look terrified me. I walked away.

I want to call out that feeling of unapproachability and I want to call it Wall of Fire - Firewall! I feel it a lot with women I am attracted to, especially if there is some kind of hope. I felt that way with Shay's friend Cheshire. The idea of going up to her and saying hello was terrifying. I'm not always shy about that. I think it has to do with an intuition of success, of it possibly going somewhere. I am in many ways afraid of my own feelings, of what might emerge in me, possibly overwhelming me. I This is a big one - you have a name: Firewall.

Aha! Writing is a great way to feel good! Poetry, creatively, especially. A necessary thing!

I am full right now- too full to continue. Also, there is little time so far for active imagination. When I get back?

Have a lovely night.