Day of Feeling 25 (Retroposted)

Carlsbad Caverns.

I am sick of thinking my way through problems.

I love, love, love the way I feel around Sarah, the version of myself she draws out of all possible versions of myself.

Tomorrow will be a real adventure - tons of fun, I'm sure.

I know I am trying to identify better with my needs. My need to exchange through touch. It's so important. I find myself occupied, sometimes more consciously than others, with trying to sneak in some contact. Could that be good enough? Do I need to go beyond that?

Do I need to keep pushing for the next stop, hoping, visualizing the next stage of our friendship, my life - or can this be enough? Can it be great that we locked arms for a few seconds? Why not! Why can't that be an end in itself - it's only a tease if I am pushing it aside for more things, for greater things.

Still no push on the inside for any non-thinking approaches to this issue. Of course, the rest of my life, the other 23.5 hours I spend [not] doing this, is the non-intellectual approach.

As I sit here now, it looks like the problem is the not being enthusiastic about right now, the judgment that this right now is not It (inmo?); It is somewhere else. Not here.

Talking with Sarah about the "Firewall" work with Sam, I was reminded how so much of the issue with feelings is disregarding this feeling now.

If I were to come up with one way of doing that better, it would be

Reminding myself to focus on what I am feeling right now, as much as I can.

That's kind of a vague instruction, but it's [unreadable]able because the object, the goal, is so charged, and so real and so clearly important to me.

It's time for bats.

Good evening, y'all.