Day of Feeling 14

I am struggling to get in an evening according to plan. Well, I can always try Thursday night (Wednesday being infinitely busy).

I am still disconcerted at how busy my current life is. I never liked working until 11, but I realize now how efficient it actually is to have a large stretch of free time, as opposed to two chunks at the beginning and end of the day. My goal has been to begin zazen at 10pm. This would mean blogging around 9:30. Here it is, quarter to 11. And I meant to do something extra every day: imagination, focused meditation, journeying - when would I do that? I have things to do at the bookends of my days. Bills to pay and documents to file. How did my life get so busy?

Today I had a good session with Sam. We focused on "Firewall." His suggestion is something that did not really occur to me: perhaps if I feel the Firewall so strongly, then it is not a good idea to step through it. Perhaps it exists for a reason. Intuitive information aside, this notion astounds me. Why is it so hard for me to accept the feeling as valid? If I am very much afraid to do something, why is my first instinct to say, "Ok, how can I not be afraid of this?" rather than "I am afraid of this, and until I prove otherwise, I should avoid this thing."

I have gotten into the habit of distrusting myself quite a bit. Sometimes circumspection of my wiring is helpful, but I think that developing a habit of self-distrust will hurt in the long run, no matter how justified individual cases are. And those cases are certainly dubious.

To get back to the topic at hand, Firewall had a lot to do with attraction. And there is still the fear of my own attraction that gets in the way of things. Sam suggests that this is not a feeling that anyone would be born with; it is natural, but it is natural in the sense that it commonly and effortlessly gets put in place at a certain point. It just happened to do so particularly strongly with me. Everyone in society keeps a certain distance, is a little bit reserved about affection and attention. I just seem to have picked up a protocol slightly off from everyone else's; I require more explicit discussion and permission in order for a relationship to switch from non-physical to physical than most people do in the society around me. I am perfectly fine being touched myself, granted, of course, that nothing creepy, aggressive, etc. is going on. I simply have a hang-up about touching other people. It's such a frightening prospect, that I just usually keep to myself. But inside I so much want to touch and be touched - it's almost the opposite as on the inside. I'm always hoping that someone will hug me, or even just tap my shoulder casually. The jackpot would be if someone asked me for a hug or a kiss, in a way that didn't express indignation or impatience at not having done it soon enough.

The real jackpot, of course, would be if I could get over this. Well, here I go again: my attitude is that I need to get over the feeling. Is there anything valid, helpful in the feeling that touching people is inappropriate in all circumstances without express and/or obvious permission? Not in all circumstances.

It does indeed seem as if the real problem here is that I want to be touched in all circumstances, and some part of me is absorbed in this wish so much at all times, that I have not learned to distinguish between appropriate and inappropriate times, so I avoid the situation altogether. Of course when I am dating someone, touching is fine, is easy, is constant, is a non-issue. It's getting past that threshold I just can't manage.

Sam suggests focused meditation on past events that might have caused this feeling to stick. I will try to do that when I can. Maybe I can find a few minutes, maybe even ten or fifteen minutes, for me to work on this. I hope I can.

Good night.