Day of Feeling 6

So it's good that I wrote down what I wanted to write today, because I certainly would have forgotten. Resistance feelings. The very feelings I have felt for the past 30 mins, as I avoid writing about them.

I wanted to spend time blogging; instead I read through old e-mails, ones I wrote from Japan in summer 2009. I would like to pinpoint exactly what's going on there.

On the surface, it's almost like the important thing is that it's indecision. That is, I am not deciding what to focus on. I want to do one thing, and I want to do another, at the same time. Somehow, one of these things wins out.

Asking myself, how does one thing win out? I want to think: it seems easier; it seems more spontaneous; it seems related to a stronger, more immediate need than the other thing.

So I do that one easier thing (reading through e-mails) rather than the other thing (blogging) because the emotion behind it (nostalgia? need to confirm that I did good things, that I had a girlfriend, that I went to Japan and had a good time?) is stronger than the need to blog (a need to be consistent, to follow up on a decision I made a few weeks ago).

Ok, so there are two things operating: first, the inability to decide what to work on; second, the dichotomy of different needs. Does one cause the other? Is the fact that my need to read old e-mails is stronger than my need to blog, the reason why I cannot decide? No, that does not make sense. If comparative urgency/fascination were the only factor, I would simply choose one rather than the other.

And I don't think feelings work in terms of comparison or quantity. I really feel that, at bottom, that's a false and inapt analogy. I feel that it might be good to disabuse myself of the notion that feelings are of a certain quantity, one being stronger or more than the other. Perhaps the idea that some feelings are stronger than others naturally leads one to discount very important feelings that are nonetheless very subtle. Constantly comparing feelings ultimately makes me insensitive to very crucial moments of feeling. This, like the idea that I am wholly responsible for how I feel, blows my mind.

Let me mark it down: The two mind blowing concepts are: 1. I am responsible for my feelings. 2. Stronger feelings are not more important than weaker ones.

Maybe a way to look at it is this: stronger or weaker feelings have nothing to do with the real importance of a feeling; rather it has to do with how I am calibrated as an instrument of feeling. And perhaps it is my job to calibrate myself so I feel certain things more strongly than other things. Again, coupled with the responsibility idea, this is terrifying. This is something crucial I have been neglecting and neglecting.

So back to resistance, what is it? It sort of seems to me that although this idea of No Comparison is important, the real issue with resistance is indecision. If I decided one course of action, there would be no tension. The tension I feel with resistance might be a call to step back, look at where I am scattered, and try to come to a conscious decision.

I feel this a lot at home, when I am at my computer. Most often, when I am in this mood of resistance, I am not really enjoying what I am doing. There is a searching quality, like I am desperately looking for something. Desperately being a relative term here - I'm not getting all that bent out of shape. The searching, looking looking looking aspect of it is important, too. I am imagining, now, that this is due to a shrinking of consciousness. That is, I am not resolving a decision, so my mind is contracting rather than expanding. This contracting leaves me with a sense of longing and urgency to do something, but because I am not going the most productive avenue, taking the route that will end the tension, I am left to wander around aimlessly.

This seems a little psychoanalytical, and maybe a little too abstract, but I think there is truth to this notion, and I ought to at least try it out - observe a little bit better the next time I am feeling a lot of resistance / avoidance.

This is plenty for now.

Good night.