Day of Feeling 9 (Retroposted)

9/9/2010

11:11pm

Spring Green, WI

The first of these paper blogs. I felt feeling, feeling, feeling on the drive to Spring Green from MKE. Feeling-Space. I looked at all the barns, houses, shops, any building, any tree - the rocky cross-sections of the hills, and it opened up worlds for me. A small part of it is: I have not left NM in over a year. Part of it is: I am a sucker, who lets my conception of other people get into my mind - and I was thinking of Sarah, Sarah, Sarah all the time. It is her home town.

That is something important to note.

Also - this Feeling-Space, the place I want to go - it actually has a tremendous throne inside me. It is something of strong importance. It is telos. It is the stuff that will and desire and motivation and self are made of. I feel that my attachment to Feeling-Space / other people is part of my smallness, my problems - but I also think it is essential. It is self-creating, that is, it creates a self.

I don't think I'm alone. I started re-reading Look Homeward, Angel today, and I see a lot of that search in Oliver Gant, in little Eugene, too. (I haven't read far.)

This makes me feel, if I follow the pain that Feeling-Space leads to, I might create a self.

But with all the low self-esteem aside, it might come at a price. What is self respect?

That will be all tonight.

Journeying, or active imagination might be difficult. I will keep a look out for good times, but I might need to wait until I get back.