Day of Feeling 3

There was an interesting contrast tonight.

So I went out to dinner and a movie with Erin and Sarah. I am drawn to
Sarah still. I stand by my conviction that we don't need to date, that not
being together really is ok, but even phrasing it that way avoids the issue
that on some level I am into her. It was a fun time, but with added
frustration on top. I must admit that the tension makes me act slightly
more morose, too circumspect, a little disconnected from everything. Or it
brings out these flavors like citrus juice on a fish.

So we watched the movie, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, and it was great. I
had a blast. We get home, I say a somewhat longer goodbye than I usually
do, and it was yes frustrating and nice at the same time. Erin and Sarah
are good people to hang out with, and it helps to ease the pain of being
tied in knots.

I get home and there are a few responses to my silly facebook post about
becoming a Gonzales, and I feel great. Uplifted. Rosario's comments
actually struck a chord with the movie, what with the trials and
tribulations and earning a life. This is just as much a fantasy, but I use
it to bolster myself. It's silly and small.

My question is: is everything silly and small, that I will endlessly be
blowing out of proportion one way or another, positively or negatively?

This is kind of the core issue. The main issue is: are my feelings real? I
look at them as either microscopic or blown out of proportion. Nothing is
settled, nothing is normal. Feelings are never normal or comfortable to me.
Why?

My feelings are so easily affected by the environment. That could have a
lot to do with it. "Have your feelings hurt." Usually we interpret that
phrase to simply mean you hurt the other person. But right now I look at it
as a force, a contusion or concussion that distorts the normal flow of your
feelings, because they were too weak to withstand the blow, so they turn in
a different direction. If your feelings aren't hurt easily, they flow
strong like a river that cannot be bent.

I am not that. My feelings are easily bruised. I have learned to keep these
bruises to myself; I don't do a horrible job of it either, but the central
fact that I am hurt does not dissipate.

I guess, also, that I have never decided if I want to focus on healing the
wounds or on becoming stronger. I keep wavering back and forth between what
I want to focus on - do I need something or not - it changes from week to
week.

It seems clear to me that healing must occur before I can effectively
strengthen myself.

What are the wounds? What needs healing? What would healing mean? How can a
feeling really be bruised? How far does the "wound" metaphor actually go?

Good night.