Day of Feeling 12 (Retroposted)

Tonight I find myself feeling a little anguish - it began with thinking about job security - maybe I'll be laid off? Do I need to run out and get a master's?

I feel I am not living my true potential. I also feel: maybe my idea of my own true potential is not realistic.

I want to be living more energetically.

But I don't have the energy.

The feeling (anguish) of not living to my potential is a distracting worry. I feel removed, disillusioned, exposed. A film has been placed over Feeling-Space - or Feeling-Space has been taken away. There is a lack of Feeling-Space. With Feeling-Space comes comfort, a sense of living, breathing, mobility, security. So this life anguish is a type of insecurity, a fear. I want to move out of these insecurities, fears into Feeling-Spaces.

I am on a plane and finding it difficult to focus. There is more to write about - infinitely more to think about and to do, so a part of me wants to press on.

I want to press on the most when I think, "What is the next step?"

If I could focus, that would bring me to a better viewpoint.

What does it mean to not focus?

(I daydreamed for 3 minutes or so after writing that last sentence.)

I want something so much out of my fantasies. Fantasizing itself is not a lack of focus - it's using this function to try to fill something - to fill a lack. What am I lacking? Why use fantasy to fill it? Is it actually satisfying? If not, why do I continue?

Good thoughts.

One of these days I'll get to non-rational treatment. Maybe at the symbolic 1st day of the second half of September - Sept. 16 Thursday night - makes sense.

Good night, all.