Day of Feeling 1

Here I am, writing on my first day of the project, and I have had precious little time to myself (in a good way, mostly), so I will be rushing a little bit.

I started things off with a nice therapy session. What we talked about mainly was a pattern of feeling I have notice throughout my life: a sense of feelings going only one way. I have been on both sides of this game. I have spent a lot of time in unrequited love situations. When I have dated, or been very close, I have been the one who is not reciprocating feeling. I will call this One Way. Extreme need vs. apathy.

Tied to this is a feeling of guilt, feeling bad, feeling wrong, feeling inappropriate. I will call this Guilt, for short.

Tied to this, also, is a strange feeling that I formally labeled as "sickly sweet" or "saccharine." I now realize that these terms don't adequately describe this feeling. For some reason I want to call it Turquoise. It has to do with sexuality; it has to do with feeling too close, smothered; imprisoned, trapped; undifferentiated; not permitted or not desiring to branch out, to venture out into the world; it has to do with my father.

All three of these feel tied together. Or maybe I should go easy about saying whether or not certain feelings are tied together, because maybe all feelings are tied together. But I am left with some guideposts, and I have given them names so I can easily recall them in the future. One Way, Guilt, Turquoise.

I would like to feel freer in my relationships with people. All people, any people, not just lovers. I feel trapped by my patterns, and I would like to be free of them. I had fun with friends at trivia tonight, but I felt crinkled and caught in myself due to tiny little, perhaps unnoticeable social anxieties (but nothing is really unnoticed). It's things like this I want to be free from.

I need to end now - I feel like I have created a lot of loose ends - I'm not quite as far as I would like to be. But I have done something, and doing more is why we have tomorrow.

Good night.