Day of Feeling 28

Just wrote a long e-mail to Alexa, as part of a little, somewhat confused correspondence we've had since yesterday. This is a portion I wrote, but excised:

"'Attention, affection, sex.' This one still confuses me. It's so clear to me now. I want to scream my desires out to people. Why couldn't I articulate them to you very well? I would honestly like to know. I think it's because you became something else, other than a resource for these things. How did I let you become that? Was it avoidable? Certainly when we began the relationship, it seemed like an impossibility to mention that I have emotional needs. Though I don't understand why. Why is it so difficult to be me? Why can't I communicate what needs to be communicated, when it needs to be communicated? I'm feeling frustrated with myself right now, writing this. I do everything wrong; I'm fated to always be unsatisfied, because I can't ever remember my desires when I can have them satisfied; when I remember them, I'm alone and isolated and can't do anything about it."

I could write a lot about the e-mails, based on what the e-mails illuminated for me, but I, alas, have run out of time once again. I will not have much time tomorrow night. I will try to write a long entry for Thursday, the last night of this project. And I have decided to continue writing in October. Topic TBA, but it will be "31 Days of" something.

Back to the topic. Communication as an important part of feeling. A lot of my feelings of frustration come from not being able to communicate. I had an interesting conversation today in the parking lot of the hospital, where a colleague explained to me that social problems are largely a communication problems, and that communication is something that goes beyond language. It's sort of your ability to balance your individuality with your commonality. Make your personal life manifest in your public life. Poor communication is a form of isolation. All dysfunction is a failure to communicate.

This kind of blows my mind; I'll need to think about it more. But anyway, I find communication difficult, and I also often feel isolated and dysfunctional. Just another slice of the bologna to reflect on. Why do I find it difficult? I forget myself when I am with other people. I don't know how to handle the encounter. I lose control over many aspects of myself. I twiddle my thumbs and feel all kinds of nervousness and can't sit still. Where is another place where this happens? Zazen, interestingly enough. Or it is a large part of my focus - I can't keep my eyes still when I meditate. It feels like the same issue.

This is kind of sounding like the trauma stuff I began to read about in "Waking the Tiger." That was work I began on a while ago, a little less than a year ago, but soon gave up. There must be something to it. I have something similar to social anxiety, but very subtle. I can function very well in social situations, but internally it can be quite exhausting and uncomfortable. This is not terribly uncommon. But certainly worth investigating.

As with so many other things, I need to touch my anxiety issues more than I do. Just being calm, being perfectly comfortable in my body, and in the room I'm in, and with the people I'm with, would make things so much easier for me.

It's hard. How do I get my eyes to stop moving?

I'll leave it at that.

Good night.