Day of Feeling 13

The biggest issue right now is procrastination. I have spent a lot of time doing what I did not need to do. Some things I enjoyed and/or needed to do, but didn't plan for. I am writing this over an hour later than I prescribed for myself.

This is how it has been going for a long time.

I feel like I don't have time for anything. When I do I have time, I don't want to do anything. What is wrong with me? Why don't I do the things I plan to do?

I am feeling I am very negative. I simply want myself to act according to standards that are not realistic. What are realistic standards?

I don't even want to write anymore. I just want to have had everything done already. I hate the feeling of things being undone - but I hate the feeling of only going through this list of things to do. It doesn't work; it never worked; it will never work. There needs to be a better way to plan things, desire things, want things, wish things, will things.

Right now, wanting means a lot of things. I almost feel it's not fair that I need to figure this out. Human beings have been wanting things for thousands of years. Why hasn't anyone figured out what wanting is?

I think perhaps the chief problems is that wanting is an analytical fragment of a continuous phenomenon. The fragment is centered upon a word we use to express our relationship with certain objects. Wanting is almost a kind of possession flag placed on an object. It's almost more about defining the object than defining the self. Or perhaps that is entirely wrong - it is about defining the self using the object. I don't know why exactly.

I am not in the mood to continue right now. I swear - I'm not in a terrible mood, I'm just not in a settled mood, either! It would be good to sit zazen for the next few minutes. Thinking is not what I need to do right now.

Good night.