Day of Feeling 29

As anticipated, I will only be writing a short entry tonight, on this second-to-last day of feeling. I have not even had time to retropost Day of Feeling 25; it will come.

Yesterday I spoke of the importance of stillness; I feel still. I felt still last night; I feel emotionally still right now (some of that is beer I had). Still in a way I can only compare to good zazen; that lucid, comfortably cool liquid feeling of just kind of floating in the world around me, both inside and out. Does that make sense?

I was just busy today. Not too much time to reflect. When I did have a spare moment, I partook in physical activities to nourish and energize myself: napping (in the awesome nap-corner I set up in my office), running and, of course, eating.

Trivia was the least awkward it ever has been. I'm only saying Trivia was ever awkward, because I am looking at myself with a microscope. It was always fine and mainly fun. But I did not feel a drain at all. It was nice. It felt like it was how it should have been.

To note on the issue of physicality - when I made it back to the shelter tonight to pick up my bag and chatted with Erin in the last minutes of her shift, there were two times where it looked like she was about to hug me, but then stopped herself. The context is that Sarah and I came back from Trivia, and Erin hugged her, because we got 3rd place (and did really well up until, I'm pretty sure, the last round), and she was excited. It would have been natural to hug me, too. I could really feel that maybe it appeared like I was resisting; that I was supposed to be responding, and that I wasn't. I'm really not sure. I just want to note this, because this is not something I've ever really noticed in an interaction before. Does this happen all the time, and I just don't notice it? I don't feel particularly ashamed with myself for this; this is just something for me to notice.

I think I'll just have to stop. This entry seems a little cardboard-thin to me, not much substance, but it will have to be okay.

Good night, all.