Day of Feeling 27

I feel kind of stupid and embarrassed about my feelings.

Way to go, in a project where I try to accept them. I feel silly about "being in love." I just watched Phedre, and, man, does that play make falling in love seem like the stupidest thing you could ever do. There is something inherently self-deprecating in placing so much value in another person. Some seem to think you can turn it into something more humane, but that is very hard to do, if it is at all possible.

One important focus for the past two weeks was on the issue I have with being intimidated with my own attraction. The whole deal where the more I want affection from somebody, or to show affection, the more terrified I am of displaying any interest. I think this affects everyone to some degree, but for me it has taken over my personality, such that I have an image of being untouchable.

I could go on and on about what that entails, but I was hoping to focus more on getting to the root of it. Trying to open my mind, stretch it out to its limits, and really get to the bottom of this phenomenon. I unfortunately did not end up with much time to do that in. This includes both productivity and time-wasting. It's not that I don't do things for myself, either; it's just that it's hard to do anything for myself that isn't put into a routine (like this blog).

So I tried a little bit tonight. I lay face-down on my bed and tried as best I could to focus on the intimidation I experience around touch. Images flashed for a while - I got distracted and went off on tangents. Somehow I began remembering things I had not thought about for years and years - for some reason I began focusing on two times in my life when I had progress charts with stickers. The first was when I was potty training - this was way back when my family lived in Shorewood. Then, later, I created my own chart. It had a bunch of tasks along one edge, and along the other were different TMNT action figures. I guess the idea was that for each row of tasks I completed, I would earn that TMNT action figure. Clearly my completion of most of these tasks was not really solicited by my parents - I was essentially setting up a method of justifying getting the toys. I really don't think it ultimately has to be this way, but it's important to keep in mind that chores are pretty arbitrary and meaningless things to most kids. What sort of disturbs me about this image is how one-sided this chart was. There was little input from my parents. It ultimately was not really followed. And I think I got a lot of the action figures at my next birthday, anyway.

I don't know exactly where this is going. I can see the connection a little bit. If I were to think about where this image takes me, it shows my desire to follow rules. Also, maybe, a belief that I don't deserve what I want unless I meet my conception of other people's expectations. It just sort of reminds me of all the walls I put up around myself. Not very encouraging, but I guess it's important to know. I feel that I could go much deeper than this.

And I'll just have to make more time to sit with my feelings. Remind myself again and again where I'm at, and face it. Look it in the eye and acknowledge it's there. It would be so easy to do that more often, as long as I don't convince myself that it must be a huge project. It's just saying hello. If I do more, I do more; if not, I do not.

On that note, I am ducking out.

Good night.