Day of Feeling 15

Here I am, way too late again. I guess I can handle an hour less of sleep or so, but certainly an hour more wouldn't hurt. Having fun is fun too, though, and I had a good time playing Quelf.

It did cause some anxiety. It was fun joking around, but the cards I kept getting dealt meant that I could not relax for the entire game. That was great, because I really need help not relaxing in social situations. I sort of froze up a few times when I had to be creative. Though other times the ideas were flowing (the beartrap, excuses for ditching work/school: those types of cards).

It was a lot of fun watching t.v. with everyone. I didn't want to leave. It felt like where I needed to be. So maybe it was where I needed to be.

I want to gush a little bit, but I hold myself back. Partially because this blog, if seldom read, is not secret, and it would be best if these things were secret. Partially because I always feel a little guilty for being interested in someone. Partially because I always feel like a fool when I'm interested in someone, particularly someone who is not clearly interested in me, and I want to avoid the embarrassment. Now that I think about it, it is the guilt thing that holds me back the most. The other two I feel like I could bravely put aside. Not the guilt thing.

Not the sense that I am a transgressor, that male sexual attention is always threatening, distasteful, a crime, an act of violence. I do honestly believe that this idea permeates the culture in which I find myself, but of course a lot of it is me blowing things out of proportion. For some reason, this idea sticks with me. I can't shake it. I want to believe that even having the feelings that these feelings are bad makes me bad. Why would I be suspicious if there weren't some truth behind it?

That line of reasoning does not seem to be realistic. If I follow, say, Jungian psychology, though, a response to that line of thinking would be: yes, there is a criminal side to all of us, and that side is real. We are only truly judged in life by the choices we make, but there is still that criminal side that needs to be confronted and understood. The shadow.

What is my shadow?

Prone to always taking, always wanting more.
He needs attention and affection at all times, to no end.
Always, always, always. He is characterized by his unwillingness for things he wants to change, for things to end.
Things he does not want must be abandoned at all costs.
He desires things regardless of contexts, even when they cannot and should not be given.

What is it that finally provides measure and proportionality to one's desires? Is that even desirable in itself? Aren't many people praised for their insatiable appetites to create, to discover, or even just to enjoy life?

I guess the biggest difference between me and those people is that those people look at everything they do in the moment as important. For me, what is important is elsewhere. That is such a hard thing to do.

I am growing tired right now, and I want to go to bed. But mustn't I look at what I'm doing now as important? Or, by asking that, am I not saying that wanting to sleep is not important? I guess what I'm doing now must trump what is speculative, what is future.

But this is a good juncture for sleep.

Good night.