North and South

I find myself with an excess of time this morning. I think it's because I'm not being too forceful in putting myself to work on anything. The reason behind that, in turn, is a current of emotion.

Penelope is leaving New Mexico tomorrow; she'll be gone for two months. Our relationship is not going very strong right now. In fact, we've decided to leave things open, to take things more casually.

There seem to be volleys of affection and distraction, back and forth between the both of us. I stayed with her on Tuesday and woke up Wednesday not sure how to feel, which was a good thing. Feelings moved me; not the other way around. I felt raw and open; sad and hopeful; pain of loss and the prospect of loneliness; the joy of freedom and the prospect of solitude.

I was ill that morning with a migraine, and I took the morning slow (I had the day off from work). Rather than cooping myself up in time and space, with the walls of my apartment and the walls of my schedules and plans, I simply went from task to task and from place to place. I meditated, then wrote a note to Penelope, divulging the contradictions in feeling I was experiencing that morning. I went hiking in Placitas; then went to my favorite used bookstore in Bernalillo; then grabbed some lunch at an awkwardly near-empty Chinese buffet on the West Side; then got an oil change; then spent the afternoon doing homework, wasting time, taking care of other things.

Penelope called me that evening, after reading my note. She apologized for being distant, for being distracted and not having time to talk about us very much.

Then, yesterday, we agreed to meet in the evening, after my JavaScript and her yoga class.

It was a disaster. I don't really want to rehash everything in detail(naturally, I already have and have deleted what I typed). Basically, we planned to go North. My class is in the North. Her place is in the Far North. Her yoga class is in the South. I had assumed we would meet somewhere in the North then drive off to the Far North together. However, she got exceptionally hungry after yoga and did not want to drive North, so she asked me to drive South. I got angry, because I was tired myself and did not like the idea of driving South, when I had just driven North and was going to drive North again. Her solution was that we would not go North; I would just meet her South, she would go home afterwards, and that would be that. This conversation was, of course, conducted in far less simple and calm terms. There were a number of solutions we could have come up with, but she was too hungry to think clearly, and I was too concerned with processing my own anger to come up with a good plan, so I just conceded. That's what I do.

In retrospect, I think it was the fact that we weren't going to the Far North that distressed me the most. But I displayed my annoyance throughout much of the very, very short evening we had available to us, which led to a very sour time indeed. When we finally did calm down, I was too exhausted to really offer much of myself to her (not that I am a shining example of that in the first place), and the whole affair was pretty depressing.

There is a small chance we might meet one last time. I have at least made the offer. But I understand it is not very practical for her.

I know we will see each other again; and I know that, as good as things have been with us, we do not satisfy each other very well. But it still hurts when she leaves, to see things fall apart (once again) and not know what will come next.

At the same time, it is exciting not to know what will come next.

More on this later.

Dream well.

Glims

A half-day furlough is spent largely in dissipation. Eventually, emerging from the youtubery, facebookery and other foolery, I begin checking off the remaining items on yesterday's to-do list. Better late than never. This involves a relatively superficial but thorough cleaning of the apartment; a good 45 minutes or so out in the garden; creation of a Nirvana 2 account (my favorite task-management software at the moment); working through my recent block in studying html and css.

It is already too late - I look forward to that day when I find myself with nothing to do at 8 o'clock. It will come at some point.

I wonder what would happen if I actually won a contest I recently entered. I would be given an all-expenses paid trip to Barcelona, to depart in a week after the announcement. Strange. Would I have to drive to Denver? I doubt they would pay for a flight out of Albuquerque. Getting time off work would be a little awkward. I'm not sure what the consequences would be. But what fun.

I am reading about medieval Constantinople right now. My mind apparently harbors a dearth of Byzantine imagery. What was life, back then? Clothing, pomp, drudgery, gossip, war, what did it all look like? I've only seen highly stylized mosaics of emperors and patriarchs. Some drawing of intensely armored soldiers - nothing like the red-shielded, plumed soldiers of the Empire a millennium prior. Another gap I could fill? So tantalizing and frustrating, not to know what a civilization "looked like." It makes it ever more compelling, makes me want to read more, to create a picture in my mind. Obviously there is a niche here; maybe I could occupy that niche by popularizing this mysterious, neglected period of history?

Onward to bed; and, waking, to fix my spine to serve as proper kindling for the buried fire in my hips and loins; the flickering emotional updraft let loose in the stillness of zazen.

Dream well, all.

Weekend Chronicle

I had a busy, multifarious day at work Friday, which featured the triumphant return of The Ticket Bus, then had a lovely, even-keeled evening with Penelope. We went to hear a band at Marble Brewery, and, though I was not thoroughly impressed with the music, I really enjoyed the beer and the general atmosphere of bacchanalia, as muted as it is by Society Such as It Is Today.

We got a slice of Pizza at NYPD and ended up spending more time there than we had planned by a flash rainstorm. The pizza as a whole was mediocre, but they make a pretty tasty crust. I made a point of touring the whole restaurant to catalog how many classic arcade machines they had: 6 (Donkey Kong, Ms. Pac-Man, Defender, Galaga, Popeye, Mario Bros).We walked home in the rain and fell asleep shortly after a heated debate about how significant an influence Muslim culture continues to have in former Spanish colonies.

This debate was more heated than you would expect it to be. I woke up in the middle of the night feeling anxiety over the sometimes very rough nature of our relationship. This eventually turned to sadness over how fragile it might be, which, in turn, transformed into wee-hours love-making.

Penelope left early to meet her son, who is recovering from surgery, and I joined them about 2 hours later. We spent the day playing video games, watching movies (Cars, Revenge of the Sith) and engaging in a few other fun activities, including a duet on a single accordion.

After coming home, I made myself a quick dinner, then I fell asleep watching Red Letter Media's Revenge of the Sith review (which is both more fun to watch than the movie itself and only slightly shorter than the movie itself).

I have woken up fairly focused today. I decided to do attend to the Business of Me a little bit, after realizing that I had forgotten to cancel a free-trial for an internet service I only planned to use once, and my card had been charged. It was a measly $5.00, but it made me realize I need to be on top of these things a little better; all my organized life-hacking has slipped to the wayside the past 2 months or so.

So I have a fairly long to-do list today and a good feeling I'll get a lot of it done, granted I want to spend a huge chunk of time watching the Avengers and eating Chinese-style junk food.

It's a good day; it's a little cloudy, a rare sight around here. I'm going to go for a long run.

Dream well, all.

Return of the Blogger

I woke up extremely tired this morning. There was not even an argument in my head as to whether I should hit the snooze alarm. I hit it 5 times, falling completely back asleep each time. I suppose it would have made more sense to simply set a new alarm 45 minutes in the future - but that was not something I was ready to stoop to. It occurs to me that it's time to start going to bed earlier - but, in reality, it's not that big of a deal. I am generally well-rested, and I generally have enough time to do what I need to do.

I find myself in a pleasant state of detachment today - not an uneasy one. I have no interest in political drama, distractions or arguments with anyone or about anything.

I turned off my morning political snark (currently switching between Young Turks and Bill Maher) and went outside to do garden work. For once I felt like I had a little bit of time, so I took it easy, meandering and observing before watering. Normally, when I'm rushed, I will have a strong sense that there are a million things to do out there while I'm watering and feel stress at not being able to do anything. I had time this morning, and, suddenly, I wasn't sure what to do. Feeling rushed and dramatic is not very helpful or realistic.

I'm a little upset that no one responded to my Facebook posting of Peter Gabriel's song Solsbury Hill. I should not expect people to respond to everything, or even to "like" everything, but there was a lot of emotion behind that posting. I guess Facebook is not the place for it. That's frustrating, because, thanks to Facebook, I now expect all my thoughts and feelings can be shared with all my friends at once. It doesn't match up with what Facebook actually is. Only certain things can get attention. Maybe I could come up with something better?

In zazen today, I felt a tremendous tension throughout my body. Oftentimes, allowing this tension to express itself and work itself through me has been a focus in meditation, a signpost that things have been working. It will be that way for at least a few days. My current focus has been retraining my eyes to rest on the dot I placed on the wall. This has been challenging. I am not entirely certain, but I think the feeling of tension arose, because I was successful in keeping my eyes on the dot. It makes me feel like my body is a Rube Goldberg Machine of emotional tension. When I release it from one spot, it will move to another. I proceed to chase it from one spot to another. Will it eventually reach its home?

I suppose it's also worth mentioning that I decided to start blogging again today. Short, simple entries. I think using my blog to achieve a deep understanding of myself is not the right thing. A simple chronicle or journal is good enough. I am wholly inspired by Michael Johnson's Negative Space. I started doing journal comics myself, but it doesn't work for me.

I'm going to write shorter entries in the future. Maybe many in the course of a day. I wish there were something between Twitter and Blogging. Another thing I could come up with?