Today I did some journaling on the subject of fear, and how fear informs a lot of the bad, time-wasting decisions I make. Whatever the cause, it is often fear of facing something - myself, reality, what - I don't know - that keeps me glued to the screen, searching for distractions.
(It's that searching feeling. Needing a fix, they call it?)
It's not the screen - it's not the distractions themselves. It's the need and the inability to feel that stress in my body that keeps me away.
I am aware of this; I think about it and think about what to do about it - but it's always back to the same old mistakes.
I am getting tired of this. Not directly - I'm actually fine with the never-ending process of reminding myself that I'm running away, not staying around for the world and the people around me - and then pulling myself back. That's fine. It's the hours and days and weeks of my life taken up by this and not adding up to what I would like it to. Where's the thread, the bliss, the work that holds it all together?
I'm trying for that, but struggling to make anything stick. I'd like to be a full-time student, but I can't afford that. If I get a job, I face spending the vast majority of my time on something other than what I want. This life is one in number. I can't afford to waste it.
Kind of seems like diving into the fear, really mastering the minutiae of my consciousness - that this is what's really important. If I can understand myself and understand fear and death and destitution and all of that - then I am free. Nothing else really to think about.
It's a lot of work. If I really pay attention, I find that I am afraid or worrying about 3 things or more at once. But it's a good thing to focus on; I feel it can yield quick, tangible results.
We'll see where I end up tomorrow - could be miles away.
Dream well, all.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
The Little Tear that Unravels it All
I'm left with good feelings this evening, after a seemingly imbalanced but pleasurable day.
I got off to a good an early start: 4:45 these days. I batched all my morning activities: meditation, yoga, cleaning, an early-morning snack of avocado and pumpkin seeds.
I got in a good 90 minutes of planning my current Python project: a text-based adventure game set in Ancient Greece. It's really freakin' over-complicated, and I've mainly been planning the game engine the past few days. I still need to set up the plot and then get coding. I even spent some time recording a "text" sound effect (a sound the program makes as letters appear across the screen). I wanted it to sound like a plucked string, so I made a recording of me plucking my violin strings and edited it down to the barest "beep." It will continue to be fun.
I went for a decent run, then I had a nice breakfast (although I filled my whole apartment with bacon smoke while putting it together). I read for a bit, did some job searching. Then I began to feel extraordinarily tired, so I took a nap. I woke up for lunch and wasn't able to get it together for a couple hours. I went back to working on my game, then went outside to meet some prospective neighbors.
Went to class, came back, had dinner while reading, and here I am.
I feel a good amount of introspection built up in me - I find myself reflecting in moments. There are a lot of really good things going on individually. There are two huge painful things: my breakup and the stress of unemployment. I am managing well for both, but nothing is coalescing into balance. I am moving forward on the tightrope and keeping myself aloft, but I am tilting back and forth uneasily and don't even remember what it means to have composure.
Many people say they feel everything is "coming together" - they see themes in their life, or maybe it's just the sense that the energy they feel in one task carries helpfully into the other. With me, right now, there is a little of that, but I am aware of parallel feelings that are not lining up - like I'm feeling two different streams simultaneously, one comfortable and the other uncomfortable.
Another way to put it would be: I feel that everything is coming together - in one big messy heap. I don't know how to sort it out.
But I have learned one thing. I am learning this one thing very well. I have been asking myself: what if all my financial stress disappeared? What would I do differently? The answer is: very little. There would be a lot of stuff to do - funds to manage and whatnot. And I would probably get a new car and fill my larder with locally-grown steak and Chilean Carminere. But I would still be struggling to juggle the several projects and plans and ideas that I always seem to be juggling, still feeling the same anxiety. Just minus a few hours spent on resumes and such (which I might not 100% have to do anymore - I had a pretty damn good interview last week).
So I ask: why not get it together now? Why not make it fit now, if "financial woes" in actuality take up a tiny fraction of my time which, if I had a massive portfolio, would just get taken up by more activities anyway?
This little tear in the seam - this unavoidable fact that I can make changes now- is the type that can bring down entire schemes. I hope it is. I hope I fully grasp it.
Good night, all.
I got off to a good an early start: 4:45 these days. I batched all my morning activities: meditation, yoga, cleaning, an early-morning snack of avocado and pumpkin seeds.
I got in a good 90 minutes of planning my current Python project: a text-based adventure game set in Ancient Greece. It's really freakin' over-complicated, and I've mainly been planning the game engine the past few days. I still need to set up the plot and then get coding. I even spent some time recording a "text" sound effect (a sound the program makes as letters appear across the screen). I wanted it to sound like a plucked string, so I made a recording of me plucking my violin strings and edited it down to the barest "beep." It will continue to be fun.
I went for a decent run, then I had a nice breakfast (although I filled my whole apartment with bacon smoke while putting it together). I read for a bit, did some job searching. Then I began to feel extraordinarily tired, so I took a nap. I woke up for lunch and wasn't able to get it together for a couple hours. I went back to working on my game, then went outside to meet some prospective neighbors.
Went to class, came back, had dinner while reading, and here I am.
I feel a good amount of introspection built up in me - I find myself reflecting in moments. There are a lot of really good things going on individually. There are two huge painful things: my breakup and the stress of unemployment. I am managing well for both, but nothing is coalescing into balance. I am moving forward on the tightrope and keeping myself aloft, but I am tilting back and forth uneasily and don't even remember what it means to have composure.
Many people say they feel everything is "coming together" - they see themes in their life, or maybe it's just the sense that the energy they feel in one task carries helpfully into the other. With me, right now, there is a little of that, but I am aware of parallel feelings that are not lining up - like I'm feeling two different streams simultaneously, one comfortable and the other uncomfortable.
Another way to put it would be: I feel that everything is coming together - in one big messy heap. I don't know how to sort it out.
But I have learned one thing. I am learning this one thing very well. I have been asking myself: what if all my financial stress disappeared? What would I do differently? The answer is: very little. There would be a lot of stuff to do - funds to manage and whatnot. And I would probably get a new car and fill my larder with locally-grown steak and Chilean Carminere. But I would still be struggling to juggle the several projects and plans and ideas that I always seem to be juggling, still feeling the same anxiety. Just minus a few hours spent on resumes and such (which I might not 100% have to do anymore - I had a pretty damn good interview last week).
So I ask: why not get it together now? Why not make it fit now, if "financial woes" in actuality take up a tiny fraction of my time which, if I had a massive portfolio, would just get taken up by more activities anyway?
This little tear in the seam - this unavoidable fact that I can make changes now- is the type that can bring down entire schemes. I hope it is. I hope I fully grasp it.
Good night, all.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
How I Am Not Going to Watch Video
I've thought about it for the past few days, and I think I've got my guidelines nailed down for my decision not to watch video anymore:
1. I will not watch any form of video for entertainment when I am alone.
2. I will still go out to a movie theaters, and I will watch videos with friends.
3. When with friends, the only videos I will suggest are movies or t.v. shows that can be watched on demand, e.g., from a DVD, or NetFlix. Not from googling around to find something to watch not television.
4. In a similar vein, I will always try to suggest something else if someone suggests we watch t.v.
5. I will watch educational videos on the internet, when necessary. I will keep in mind that it is often less necessary than I believe. For example, videos "showing things off" are never really necessary. Videos explaining or illustrating things can be helpful; only if they are part of a curriculum or are answering a specific question I have.
6. There are two major exceptions: I will watch videos from Red Letter Media, the only purveyor of internet entertainment I would want to watch on a desert island, if I could watch only one; also, the videos from Wolfire Games - a game design studio I find particularly adept and whose opinions on their design process I find very insightful and inspiring. I will not search out videos to watch from these two; I will simply watch as their entries appear in my RSS feed.
7. If I ever feel the urge to break these rules, I will read a book. No matter what I really need to get done (i.e., if I am trying to get work done and wanting to distract myself, I will take a break and read a book, even if I would normally decide not to read a book, because I have work to do.) This last rule will be very difficult and unusual for me; I look forward to the challenge.
That's all of it for now, I think. I have other plans to develop, but working on one habit at a time is best, they say.
1. I will not watch any form of video for entertainment when I am alone.
2. I will still go out to a movie theaters, and I will watch videos with friends.
3. When with friends, the only videos I will suggest are movies or t.v. shows that can be watched on demand, e.g., from a DVD, or NetFlix. Not from googling around to find something to watch not television.
4. In a similar vein, I will always try to suggest something else if someone suggests we watch t.v.
5. I will watch educational videos on the internet, when necessary. I will keep in mind that it is often less necessary than I believe. For example, videos "showing things off" are never really necessary. Videos explaining or illustrating things can be helpful; only if they are part of a curriculum or are answering a specific question I have.
6. There are two major exceptions: I will watch videos from Red Letter Media, the only purveyor of internet entertainment I would want to watch on a desert island, if I could watch only one; also, the videos from Wolfire Games - a game design studio I find particularly adept and whose opinions on their design process I find very insightful and inspiring. I will not search out videos to watch from these two; I will simply watch as their entries appear in my RSS feed.
7. If I ever feel the urge to break these rules, I will read a book. No matter what I really need to get done (i.e., if I am trying to get work done and wanting to distract myself, I will take a break and read a book, even if I would normally decide not to read a book, because I have work to do.) This last rule will be very difficult and unusual for me; I look forward to the challenge.
That's all of it for now, I think. I have other plans to develop, but working on one habit at a time is best, they say.
Why I Want to be like Gandhi
I just learned that Gandhi was into journaling. He insisted that all his fellow-Satyagrahis keep a diary for two reasons: to make an account of their time for the nation at large (and therefore feel more accountable for it), and to provide an exercise in self-reflection. This was to be completed every day, before bed, with no exceptions.
I'm pretty sure that, if he were alive today, Gandhi would be a blogger.
I already blog pretty regularly, but this just motivates me to blog even more regularly.
I'm not going to set a plan for myself (I'm doing plenty of that these days - see my next post). But I am going to say that it sounds like a good idea, and I'd like to try.
So expect more blogging for the immediate future (including the multiple posts I'll be making tonight.)
I'm pretty sure that, if he were alive today, Gandhi would be a blogger.
I already blog pretty regularly, but this just motivates me to blog even more regularly.
I'm not going to set a plan for myself (I'm doing plenty of that these days - see my next post). But I am going to say that it sounds like a good idea, and I'd like to try.
So expect more blogging for the immediate future (including the multiple posts I'll be making tonight.)
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Overload
I'm a little busy today - and probably tomorrow and the day after. To put it succinctly, I'm trying a new approach to a job search. There are no jobs that I want that I am qualified for (that I have found yet), so I'm going to apply for a job I'm not qualified for - by making myself qualified in roughly 2 days. Or, maybe, learning 80% of what I need to be qualified and fudging the rest.
At any rate, I'm tired. It's a good tired, though - I know I am using myself well, gaining focus, gaining skills, become more active and stronger in the process. At least I hope so. I don't feel any danger of burn out quite yet. On the contrary, it's still exciting.
More updates to come.
Good night, all.
At any rate, I'm tired. It's a good tired, though - I know I am using myself well, gaining focus, gaining skills, become more active and stronger in the process. At least I hope so. I don't feel any danger of burn out quite yet. On the contrary, it's still exciting.
More updates to come.
Good night, all.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
I support my decision not to watch videos anymore...
...by keeping a nice stack of science fiction novels at hand.
Actually, I'm reading The Dark Wind, by Tony Hillerman right now. But, after that, Asimov's Empire Trilogy (vaguely related to, but different from the Foundation Series).
My programming will be: if I feel myself wanting to distract myself at the computer, I will go read. No matter what it is I "have" to do. I've certainly procrastinated by reading novels before, but it will be a good temporary change. I think the general idea is that screen time is directly, physically harmful, so any step up will be better - will preserve my willpower much better.
With that, I go read.
Good night, all.
Actually, I'm reading The Dark Wind, by Tony Hillerman right now. But, after that, Asimov's Empire Trilogy (vaguely related to, but different from the Foundation Series).
My programming will be: if I feel myself wanting to distract myself at the computer, I will go read. No matter what it is I "have" to do. I've certainly procrastinated by reading novels before, but it will be a good temporary change. I think the general idea is that screen time is directly, physically harmful, so any step up will be better - will preserve my willpower much better.
With that, I go read.
Good night, all.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Return of NoVideo
I'll be perfectly honest: I spent nearly 2 hours today watching clips of Judge Judy on youtube.
It's really a good show. In a certain way, I love Judy's attitude, which really is a volatile kind of good-doing.
But that's not where I wanted to go with this. It made me sick to watch, as compelling as it was. I could directly feel the energy being sucked out of me, and a very ill, dark kind of feeling growing inside of me. A lot of it was fear; a lot was sadness. Whatever it was, I was passive in it.
I have been thinking about this lately: watching things is partly a way of managing stress and partly a way of having someone feel for me. Those are mutually inclusive ideas. I can't manage the stress - I have the show manage it for me, telling me what to feel, so I regain a sense of flow and control.
But it doesn't really work, ultimately. I'm left back where I started, almost every time. There are notable exceptions, but they are rare.
Also, watching video is a substitute for being social. I need to be more social.
So: I've decided to take up NoVideo once again. I'm still hammering out the terms. I can go completely without for at least a day or two while I come to a decision. So far it's this:
- I will not watch video on the internet or on television, alone, for entertainment.
- It is acceptable to watch video for educational purposes, as long as it is either part of a chosen course of study or, if it's something I encounter, it's something I have planned ahead of time. Even if it's something that has appeared in my blog feed, I need to at least take a moment to think about when I need to watch it; I will not just click on anything impulsively.
-Socially, anything is fine. However, I myself can propose watching a movie, but I cannot propose watching television or any video on the internet.
-Video games are okay. There is a bad side to this and a good side, but I'm just going to focus on video for the time being; that is enough for me right now.
On the positive side:
-I will be actively seeking out ways to counterbalance this. I'm going to have a steady stream of easily-digestible novels at my disposal, beginning tomorrow (I've got a lot of Asimov to go through still, for starters).
-I'm going to see about being more social. Whatever the hell that entails. But it's something I need to do.
One more thing: this is going to be permanent. For the rest of my life, or at least until my life has reached what I can reasonably say is settled and focused. Now, it is neither.
So I think this is a good bare bones; that is all for now.
Any suggestions, dear readers? Notice potential problems, inconsistencies? Want to know more as to why I'm doing this and what I want to accomplish? Leave a comment.
Quiet night, all.
It's really a good show. In a certain way, I love Judy's attitude, which really is a volatile kind of good-doing.
But that's not where I wanted to go with this. It made me sick to watch, as compelling as it was. I could directly feel the energy being sucked out of me, and a very ill, dark kind of feeling growing inside of me. A lot of it was fear; a lot was sadness. Whatever it was, I was passive in it.
I have been thinking about this lately: watching things is partly a way of managing stress and partly a way of having someone feel for me. Those are mutually inclusive ideas. I can't manage the stress - I have the show manage it for me, telling me what to feel, so I regain a sense of flow and control.
But it doesn't really work, ultimately. I'm left back where I started, almost every time. There are notable exceptions, but they are rare.
Also, watching video is a substitute for being social. I need to be more social.
So: I've decided to take up NoVideo once again. I'm still hammering out the terms. I can go completely without for at least a day or two while I come to a decision. So far it's this:
- I will not watch video on the internet or on television, alone, for entertainment.
- It is acceptable to watch video for educational purposes, as long as it is either part of a chosen course of study or, if it's something I encounter, it's something I have planned ahead of time. Even if it's something that has appeared in my blog feed, I need to at least take a moment to think about when I need to watch it; I will not just click on anything impulsively.
-Socially, anything is fine. However, I myself can propose watching a movie, but I cannot propose watching television or any video on the internet.
-Video games are okay. There is a bad side to this and a good side, but I'm just going to focus on video for the time being; that is enough for me right now.
On the positive side:
-I will be actively seeking out ways to counterbalance this. I'm going to have a steady stream of easily-digestible novels at my disposal, beginning tomorrow (I've got a lot of Asimov to go through still, for starters).
-I'm going to see about being more social. Whatever the hell that entails. But it's something I need to do.
One more thing: this is going to be permanent. For the rest of my life, or at least until my life has reached what I can reasonably say is settled and focused. Now, it is neither.
So I think this is a good bare bones; that is all for now.
Any suggestions, dear readers? Notice potential problems, inconsistencies? Want to know more as to why I'm doing this and what I want to accomplish? Leave a comment.
Quiet night, all.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
The Feeling of Letting Go
Something so coveted: what does it feel like to finally be able to let go, to move on, to grow out of a funk, a protracted state of grieving. What gets the wound to heal?
I've heard so many words of wisdom and so much fluff on this topic. We all want to transform. But what does it really look like?
Today, for the first time since the drama began in early November, I walked out onto the shambles of a garden that sits behind my house, armed with a tenugui, sunscreen, fishing gloves and a notepad. I began taking notes. I walked around and noted what needed to be done. A list of next steps to take.
A lot of it is dithering, but, for the time being, it is healing dithering: cleaning up garbage, raking twigs and leaves, moving around discarded equipment and furniture, stacking wood. It felt really, really good in a way I haven't felt in a long time.
I have been sweating the small stuff way too much: it's kind of a side effect of learning how to manage my time and my possessions for the first time in my life. Kind of allowing my natural OCD to take over, when I should really be accomplishing bigger things. But I'm learning. I just need to remember: after piling twigs comes designing a compost bin, replanting and redesigning the garden. Does it not inspire me like it should? Redo it.
Of course there is tremendous value in the small things. The point is that I do them with full force, full relish and with ceremony. Cleaning my apartment has gone from something I didn't want to be bothered to even think about; to something I realize I like having done, when I feel like it; to something I feel I ought to do; to something I intend to do and claim to enjoy, but rarely do; to teeth-clenchingly maintained habit; to somewhat comfortable but often stressful and annoying habit; to blissful early-morning ceremony.
I'm beginning to see how these things change in my life and just what it is that goes into them that makes them doable or not. I have a lot of control over what kind of baggage to put in my activities. In many ways, learning how to work in life is learning how to master your habits. But I wouldn't be the first blogger to muse on the subject of habits...
Well, my heart has opened a little bit. I have cast off the cringing away from the drama and am ready to take my place on the earth again. Where will that lead me?
I've heard so many words of wisdom and so much fluff on this topic. We all want to transform. But what does it really look like?
Today, for the first time since the drama began in early November, I walked out onto the shambles of a garden that sits behind my house, armed with a tenugui, sunscreen, fishing gloves and a notepad. I began taking notes. I walked around and noted what needed to be done. A list of next steps to take.
A lot of it is dithering, but, for the time being, it is healing dithering: cleaning up garbage, raking twigs and leaves, moving around discarded equipment and furniture, stacking wood. It felt really, really good in a way I haven't felt in a long time.
I have been sweating the small stuff way too much: it's kind of a side effect of learning how to manage my time and my possessions for the first time in my life. Kind of allowing my natural OCD to take over, when I should really be accomplishing bigger things. But I'm learning. I just need to remember: after piling twigs comes designing a compost bin, replanting and redesigning the garden. Does it not inspire me like it should? Redo it.
Of course there is tremendous value in the small things. The point is that I do them with full force, full relish and with ceremony. Cleaning my apartment has gone from something I didn't want to be bothered to even think about; to something I realize I like having done, when I feel like it; to something I feel I ought to do; to something I intend to do and claim to enjoy, but rarely do; to teeth-clenchingly maintained habit; to somewhat comfortable but often stressful and annoying habit; to blissful early-morning ceremony.
I'm beginning to see how these things change in my life and just what it is that goes into them that makes them doable or not. I have a lot of control over what kind of baggage to put in my activities. In many ways, learning how to work in life is learning how to master your habits. But I wouldn't be the first blogger to muse on the subject of habits...
Well, my heart has opened a little bit. I have cast off the cringing away from the drama and am ready to take my place on the earth again. Where will that lead me?
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Hour by Hour
Simple as it comes. An account of my hours today.
4:45 - My alarm goes off. I angrily decide that my plan to wake up this early from now on just doesn't apply to today.
6:30 - Wake-up. I had a weird dream about death, and I check to make sure I don't have testicular cancer. I don't. Zen. Yoga.
7:30 - Breakfast. Eggs, pinto-beans, spinach salad.
8:00 - Internet fun time. I realize that I feel a little off today.
8:15 - I decide to get to work on my programming curriculum anyway. I begin my next python lesson, which involves doing a lot of research on a bunch of terms I don't know. It takes me over two hours, and it's frustrating and difficult, because I'm reading about a lot of things I can barely even read about, let alone comprehend. It's a good feeling to be challenged. I love my textbook.
11:00 - Feeling kind of hungry, I opt for a light lunch. I'm craving entertainment, so I find a bunch of stand-up comedy. I get absorbed in it.
12:30 - Begin a full-scale cleaning of the apartment, while listening to Louis CK.
1:30 - Realizing the vacuum is missing, I move on to other chores. I go outside to clean the inside of my car.
2:00 - While taping my voter ID together, my landlady knocks on the door. Some people are looking at the apartment next door, and she wanted to introduce me. Seizing the opportunity, I rush over to the apartment, turn off the smoke alarm whose chirping has been driving me insane the past few days, grab the vacuum, vacuum my floors like mad, and give the battery back to the landlady (who recycles them), telling her she needs a new one.
2:30 - Landlady comes back and chats for a while.
3:00 - Internet Fun Time
4:00 - I give up on trying to be productive. I start making dinner (brown rice and fried eggplant) while watching Star Trek, the Next Generation. The episode is "The Outrageous Okona." It's dumb. But I accept it, as I know what kind of schlock to watch out for as I wade through Season 2.
5:00 - I'm soaking one of my blinds in the bathtub (it's seriously filthy - it wasn't washed when I moved in here and perhaps never has been), so I rig up a makeshift blind with a sheet. It looks weird, like a ghost costume hanging on my wall. My apartment has a privacy problem. I have a towel draped over the glazed door in my bedroom that leads outside and curtains hanging in the doorways of my door-less rooms. Now I have another privacy patch in an area that once was pretty opaque - at least for tonight.
5:30 - I play a really stupid game called Mechanipig.
6:30 - I read all the incidental comics posted by Jess Fink. It takes me about two hours. Many of her comics involve hour-by-hour snippets of her life. Hence today's format.
8:30 - I begin cleaning up for the evening. I begin blogging.
Here I am. Though this was a good attempt, I think I can do better. Stay tuned for more refined, more interesting renditions in the future.
Good night, all.
4:45 - My alarm goes off. I angrily decide that my plan to wake up this early from now on just doesn't apply to today.
6:30 - Wake-up. I had a weird dream about death, and I check to make sure I don't have testicular cancer. I don't. Zen. Yoga.
7:30 - Breakfast. Eggs, pinto-beans, spinach salad.
8:00 - Internet fun time. I realize that I feel a little off today.
8:15 - I decide to get to work on my programming curriculum anyway. I begin my next python lesson, which involves doing a lot of research on a bunch of terms I don't know. It takes me over two hours, and it's frustrating and difficult, because I'm reading about a lot of things I can barely even read about, let alone comprehend. It's a good feeling to be challenged. I love my textbook.
11:00 - Feeling kind of hungry, I opt for a light lunch. I'm craving entertainment, so I find a bunch of stand-up comedy. I get absorbed in it.
12:30 - Begin a full-scale cleaning of the apartment, while listening to Louis CK.
1:30 - Realizing the vacuum is missing, I move on to other chores. I go outside to clean the inside of my car.
2:00 - While taping my voter ID together, my landlady knocks on the door. Some people are looking at the apartment next door, and she wanted to introduce me. Seizing the opportunity, I rush over to the apartment, turn off the smoke alarm whose chirping has been driving me insane the past few days, grab the vacuum, vacuum my floors like mad, and give the battery back to the landlady (who recycles them), telling her she needs a new one.
2:30 - Landlady comes back and chats for a while.
3:00 - Internet Fun Time
4:00 - I give up on trying to be productive. I start making dinner (brown rice and fried eggplant) while watching Star Trek, the Next Generation. The episode is "The Outrageous Okona." It's dumb. But I accept it, as I know what kind of schlock to watch out for as I wade through Season 2.
5:00 - I'm soaking one of my blinds in the bathtub (it's seriously filthy - it wasn't washed when I moved in here and perhaps never has been), so I rig up a makeshift blind with a sheet. It looks weird, like a ghost costume hanging on my wall. My apartment has a privacy problem. I have a towel draped over the glazed door in my bedroom that leads outside and curtains hanging in the doorways of my door-less rooms. Now I have another privacy patch in an area that once was pretty opaque - at least for tonight.
5:30 - I play a really stupid game called Mechanipig.
6:30 - I read all the incidental comics posted by Jess Fink. It takes me about two hours. Many of her comics involve hour-by-hour snippets of her life. Hence today's format.
8:30 - I begin cleaning up for the evening. I begin blogging.
Here I am. Though this was a good attempt, I think I can do better. Stay tuned for more refined, more interesting renditions in the future.
Good night, all.
Friday, January 13, 2012
MIT
Yes, as a matter of fact, I want to go to MIT. I'm not joking.
But I actually didn't want to talk about the school - I just wanted to note that following Leo Babauta's Most Important Thing (MIT) technique worked really well for me to day.
It's very simple: at the beginning of the day, after or in the midst of all the habitual things you do, set down the three most important things. And then do them.
I didn't exactly knock them down right in a row - but I made an effort, and it left me feeling much more relaxed in the evening than I am accustomed to.
It's a strange place to be right now. A good one. I'm getting well acquainted with all the loneliness after the break up, and I think I'm finding an authentic strength and solidity I'm not used to having around. I feel comfortable with what I'm doing - even though just a few days ago I was criticizing myself for being a lazy roustabout in hard times. Well, as long as I demonstrate the tough talk, the tough songs, the tough heart that these hard times demand, it doesn't matter what shape that takes.
So I'm diving into the things I want to study. I'm doing okay so far, but I do not have paid work right now (I'm never truly unemployed), and I don't know how getting a job will change that. Perhaps the structure of a paid course will be beneficial in that kind of situation. Anyway, I'll manage. I'll make do.
At the end of the day, I'm still not left with a whole lot of reserve for self-reflection and creativity. But I'm not concerned about that - at least not today. As the pattern changes, some items that are important now might phase out. I will do my best to stay committed to my projects and follow through with them, but I must acknowledge that a wind blows through my and every life that will shift its direction. Hopefully I can be more like a sighing cottonwood than like a weathervane (as I often fear I am).
Actually, writing that last line gave me a few moments pause in reflecting: yes, I need less weathervane. This post will stand, but: next time fewer thoughts, more description of events and expression of feeling.
(Note: blogger doesn't seem to know what that word is.)
With that, good night.
But I actually didn't want to talk about the school - I just wanted to note that following Leo Babauta's Most Important Thing (MIT) technique worked really well for me to day.
It's very simple: at the beginning of the day, after or in the midst of all the habitual things you do, set down the three most important things. And then do them.
I didn't exactly knock them down right in a row - but I made an effort, and it left me feeling much more relaxed in the evening than I am accustomed to.
It's a strange place to be right now. A good one. I'm getting well acquainted with all the loneliness after the break up, and I think I'm finding an authentic strength and solidity I'm not used to having around. I feel comfortable with what I'm doing - even though just a few days ago I was criticizing myself for being a lazy roustabout in hard times. Well, as long as I demonstrate the tough talk, the tough songs, the tough heart that these hard times demand, it doesn't matter what shape that takes.
So I'm diving into the things I want to study. I'm doing okay so far, but I do not have paid work right now (I'm never truly unemployed), and I don't know how getting a job will change that. Perhaps the structure of a paid course will be beneficial in that kind of situation. Anyway, I'll manage. I'll make do.
At the end of the day, I'm still not left with a whole lot of reserve for self-reflection and creativity. But I'm not concerned about that - at least not today. As the pattern changes, some items that are important now might phase out. I will do my best to stay committed to my projects and follow through with them, but I must acknowledge that a wind blows through my and every life that will shift its direction. Hopefully I can be more like a sighing cottonwood than like a weathervane (as I often fear I am).
Actually, writing that last line gave me a few moments pause in reflecting: yes, I need less weathervane. This post will stand, but: next time fewer thoughts, more description of events and expression of feeling.
(Note: blogger doesn't seem to know what that word is.)
With that, good night.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
For the sake of consciousness, or something like that
Today was a bad day.
A lost day.
I suppose I simply need to accept that. Yesterday, despite my relatively morose posting, was not that bad.
Today, I just couldn't bring myself to do much. As Penelope liked to point out, not doing much for me usually means plenty. After all, I cleaned my apartment, studied Python for two hours, repaired my zafu, meditated, exercised, went for a walk in the Bosque, applied for a promising job position, did a fair amount of reading - I just happened to not finish my todo list and spend a lot of degenerating time on the internet.
I could do without the internet nonsense, but perhaps I ought not to be so hard on myself? It's more important to do smarter than to do more. That doesn't sound quite right, but you get the idea.
Still, I've got a lot to do, and this kind of distraction keeps coming up, when I need to learn how to act. And, perhaps, getting acquainted with the little break downs will, in a negative way, teach me how to act. Really what that means is: teach me my heart.
I find it hard to come up with a curriculum for my heart, though. No curricula in that class?
Good night, all.
A lost day.
I suppose I simply need to accept that. Yesterday, despite my relatively morose posting, was not that bad.
Today, I just couldn't bring myself to do much. As Penelope liked to point out, not doing much for me usually means plenty. After all, I cleaned my apartment, studied Python for two hours, repaired my zafu, meditated, exercised, went for a walk in the Bosque, applied for a promising job position, did a fair amount of reading - I just happened to not finish my todo list and spend a lot of degenerating time on the internet.
I could do without the internet nonsense, but perhaps I ought not to be so hard on myself? It's more important to do smarter than to do more. That doesn't sound quite right, but you get the idea.
Still, I've got a lot to do, and this kind of distraction keeps coming up, when I need to learn how to act. And, perhaps, getting acquainted with the little break downs will, in a negative way, teach me how to act. Really what that means is: teach me my heart.
I find it hard to come up with a curriculum for my heart, though. No curricula in that class?
Good night, all.
Monday, January 9, 2012
What I Want
It's as simple as that. What I want.
This is what I need to discover; this will be my job, my mission, my lesson, my calling.
I need to know what I want.
I had a conversation with Penelope yesterday; perhaps it's ill-advised, maybe it's okay. Either way, we got to talk about the break-down of our relationship. I mentioned, as I have for years, that I don't know what I want. Penelope very graciously pointed out to me that I do know.
She reminded me of a conversation we had several weeks ago, where I was trying to decide to move to another apartment or not. It's far more complicated than that, but I won't go into the details here. I told her I was distraught - I couldn't decide. She asked me to take a moment to really ask myself what I wanted. To be clear and to the point - "Do I want to make this move?" - and then log the first answer that comes up. That would be the correct one.
The answer came up quickly. "No." And I'm so grateful I came up with that.
This method, this "trick," is not anything new to me. But it was nice to have that reminder. Even though it's not new to me, I have a bad habit of not checking in with myself. It gives me this very false notion that I don't know what I want.
The truth is, I can choose to be confused about my desires; or I can choose to be clear about them.
I tend to choose to be confused about them. Why? I'm not entirely sure, but my best guess is that it has to do with my fear of displeasing people, first, and then a notion that I need to act a certain way, second.
The second thing is never a big deal with me - it's just a matter of observing, catching myself and changing my behavior. It's straightforward.
The first one, my fear of displeasing people, is huge and unwieldy. I'm not sure how to handle that one right now. What makes it unwieldy is that how I think about it when I'm by myself is very removed from how I act and respond when confronted with it.
At least I'm bringing to my attention that it's afoot.
I have about half an hour before I'd like to go to bed. In that time, I can focus on myself, what I need to be doing, what the next step is in understanding myself. I think I'm going to spend that time simply writing, getting a handle on where I'm at, where to go next. I will share the results tomorrow.
For now, good night, all.
This is what I need to discover; this will be my job, my mission, my lesson, my calling.
I need to know what I want.
I had a conversation with Penelope yesterday; perhaps it's ill-advised, maybe it's okay. Either way, we got to talk about the break-down of our relationship. I mentioned, as I have for years, that I don't know what I want. Penelope very graciously pointed out to me that I do know.
She reminded me of a conversation we had several weeks ago, where I was trying to decide to move to another apartment or not. It's far more complicated than that, but I won't go into the details here. I told her I was distraught - I couldn't decide. She asked me to take a moment to really ask myself what I wanted. To be clear and to the point - "Do I want to make this move?" - and then log the first answer that comes up. That would be the correct one.
The answer came up quickly. "No." And I'm so grateful I came up with that.
This method, this "trick," is not anything new to me. But it was nice to have that reminder. Even though it's not new to me, I have a bad habit of not checking in with myself. It gives me this very false notion that I don't know what I want.
The truth is, I can choose to be confused about my desires; or I can choose to be clear about them.
I tend to choose to be confused about them. Why? I'm not entirely sure, but my best guess is that it has to do with my fear of displeasing people, first, and then a notion that I need to act a certain way, second.
The second thing is never a big deal with me - it's just a matter of observing, catching myself and changing my behavior. It's straightforward.
The first one, my fear of displeasing people, is huge and unwieldy. I'm not sure how to handle that one right now. What makes it unwieldy is that how I think about it when I'm by myself is very removed from how I act and respond when confronted with it.
At least I'm bringing to my attention that it's afoot.
I have about half an hour before I'd like to go to bed. In that time, I can focus on myself, what I need to be doing, what the next step is in understanding myself. I think I'm going to spend that time simply writing, getting a handle on where I'm at, where to go next. I will share the results tomorrow.
For now, good night, all.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Afternoon Check-in
I thought I'd check in again one more time today. It's therapeutic writing these little points, and I'd like to fit in a few before I leave for the sweat lodge in 20 minutes.
1. For the record, Penelope broke up with me. There was no drama from either of us. I just got a bit emotional in a sad way. I don't feel dumped.
2. I want to make another note about NoVideo. Small point. I want to record that, although it was not enough to save our relationship, it did help a little bit. Things felt a little bit freer, like they were very incrementally moving in the right direction. So there was not no effect. It was just too slow for the circumstances.
3. I have felt waves of sadness throughout the day. They come and go, and they seem to be stronger when I'm alone at home.
4. I had a good time out today, visiting what will be my new campus for at least the next 4 months. It felt good to get my student ID, take a tour of the campus, peek into the computer labs, wander around the abysmally few library stacks (in a huge building), feel like I'm doing something. I'm taking one class, and, while I was there, I decided I might as well take an online course on top of that. I think I can pull it off, and it guarantees I'll be keeping myself busy and out in the world very soon.
5. Watching the glow of sunrise flowing onto the goose-and-sandhill-crane-strewn sandbars in the Rio Grande and radiating through the mist that rises from the acequias, is perhaps the most beautiful thing ever.
6. I may or may not go see a band tomorrow night that Penelope is also planning on seeing. We had been planning on going together. It's a really good one - HuDost. I'll need to see how I feel tomorrow.
7. I mentioned this in several instances in the last post, but I want to condense it into one point: when I break up with someone, all the nostalgic moments of our lives that were once light and attractive and delicious to think about are now incredibly heavy and painful. Going to the sweat lodge is going to be hard, because I associate it with the energy and joy from our first date. I hope I can claim it for myself.
8. There's something I'm sad about that is new for me: I'm sad that I won't see her son again. I only saw him sporadically, but I really got to care for him, and he liked hanging around with me. I guess I kind of knew that break-ups are hard for kids, but I never really thought about it. So I feel really, really bad for him. But, on top of that, I feel like I'll miss him myself - I wasn't expecting this at all. It makes this that much harder.
9. I feel really grateful for my grief right now. I'm much more conscious today than I usually am. I wish, I wish I could be this conscious all the time. I wish I could be this conscious about what gives me joy and pleasure. I think that would solve a lot of my relationship problems - most of my emotional issues.
Time to go.
Be well, all.
1. For the record, Penelope broke up with me. There was no drama from either of us. I just got a bit emotional in a sad way. I don't feel dumped.
2. I want to make another note about NoVideo. Small point. I want to record that, although it was not enough to save our relationship, it did help a little bit. Things felt a little bit freer, like they were very incrementally moving in the right direction. So there was not no effect. It was just too slow for the circumstances.
3. I have felt waves of sadness throughout the day. They come and go, and they seem to be stronger when I'm alone at home.
4. I had a good time out today, visiting what will be my new campus for at least the next 4 months. It felt good to get my student ID, take a tour of the campus, peek into the computer labs, wander around the abysmally few library stacks (in a huge building), feel like I'm doing something. I'm taking one class, and, while I was there, I decided I might as well take an online course on top of that. I think I can pull it off, and it guarantees I'll be keeping myself busy and out in the world very soon.
5. Watching the glow of sunrise flowing onto the goose-and-sandhill-crane-strewn sandbars in the Rio Grande and radiating through the mist that rises from the acequias, is perhaps the most beautiful thing ever.
6. I may or may not go see a band tomorrow night that Penelope is also planning on seeing. We had been planning on going together. It's a really good one - HuDost. I'll need to see how I feel tomorrow.
7. I mentioned this in several instances in the last post, but I want to condense it into one point: when I break up with someone, all the nostalgic moments of our lives that were once light and attractive and delicious to think about are now incredibly heavy and painful. Going to the sweat lodge is going to be hard, because I associate it with the energy and joy from our first date. I hope I can claim it for myself.
8. There's something I'm sad about that is new for me: I'm sad that I won't see her son again. I only saw him sporadically, but I really got to care for him, and he liked hanging around with me. I guess I kind of knew that break-ups are hard for kids, but I never really thought about it. So I feel really, really bad for him. But, on top of that, I feel like I'll miss him myself - I wasn't expecting this at all. It makes this that much harder.
9. I feel really grateful for my grief right now. I'm much more conscious today than I usually am. I wish, I wish I could be this conscious all the time. I wish I could be this conscious about what gives me joy and pleasure. I think that would solve a lot of my relationship problems - most of my emotional issues.
Time to go.
Be well, all.
Morning, after the break-up, it's still dark outside
Some thoughts and observations the morning after breaking up with Penelope. I've still got a lot to process, but here's where I am right now.
1. I had no trouble getting out of bed. There were a few minutes of confusion and a few minutes of grief, but I found myself jumping out of bed, dressing, making the bed and getting right to the zafu.
2. I could not have meditated enough. I think I will do another sit today, probably this afternoon.
3. I feel a resolve I have never felt or at least have not felt for a long time. It makes me carry my grief around with me, but still not resist the things I gotta do. It makes me want to get those things done in swift dispatch, then carve out a big chunk of time in the afternoon to deal with the pain. That seems unusually sensible. I hope this lasts.
4. For some reason, The Spirit of Radio is playing in my head. Or was playing in my head: I'm listening to it on Spotify right now. It played in my head when we temporarily broke up last week. Thinking about it, hearing it in my head, makes me feel very sad. Actually hearing it makes me feel good.
My favorite lines: "All this machinery making modern music / Can still be open-hearted. / Not so fully-charted, / it's really just a question of your honesty - yeah, your honesty." I love Rush.
(Is my subconscious trying to tell me this break up is a question of my honesty? That I can still be open-hearted?)
5. I feel like it's all been a huge mistake, my behavior in the relationship and the way I live my life. Both are wrapped up in the same problems, the same tiring complications. To be more specific, I think I rely too much on what makes me feel comfortable, and this lowers my awareness, lowers my level of responsibility, lowers my level of engagement. In relationships, it makes me "frigid" and sleepy. In my life, it manifests as a hunger for distraction.
6. I want to say to Penelope: "I'm ready now. I see through the veil of illusion I've been spinning for myself, and I'm ready to truly see you. Let's try again." It might not be true that I'm ready, and, also, I need to accept that some damage has been done. I can't hit a reset button. It makes the awareness less real. I need my experience of this loss to be very real right now.
7. NoVideo was a good idea (it's over now), but I really learned that watching video is not as injurious in itself as I thought it was. It's what I was doing with it. I was kind of doing it as a response to the pseudo break-up last month, as a way to regain my power and really salvage the relationship. I needed to do far more than just not watch videos. In fact, though it made me more productive in my personal projects, it seemed to not effect the relationship much at all. That doesn't mean, however, that watching videos is very valuable and worth defending.
8. This year went by fucking fast. Fast. It astounds me that I've lived in Albuquerque for over three months now. It blows my mind. That Penelope and I were together for a year, and one quarter of that time was this weird, non-time here. Where am I now? Where does that leave me?
9. Today feels like the real New Year's day. I feel a sense of closure and transition (obviously). Oddly, I'm going to the same sweat lodge ceremony tonight that I went to a year ago, the day of my first date with Penelope that went so well. That saddens me.
10. I look back at my relationship in two confusingly contradictory ways. Almost as if it's two relationships. There's the honeymoon period we had; it lasted about 8 months. Then things got not so great. I'm comfortable breaking up with the relationship of the past 4 months. I'm grieving for the relationship of the first 8 months.
11. A part of me feels that all this intensity of feeling surrounding the break-up is the catalyst that could finally make our relationship work. That it proves there's passion. That I know what the problem is now, and if we just tried again, we could make it work. I cannot say 100% if that is realistic or not, but it is not likely to be realistic. It's a manifestation of grief. Although it's interesting to note that I'm feeling multiple "stages" of grief at the same time. This kind of bargaining is also what happens after every argument I've ever had with a girlfriend, every conversation I've had with a girlfriend about how the relationship is not going well. And it has never resulted in success.
This part of me wants to say: "But it's different now!" It's always been "different now." To really make it different now, I need to really know how to see realistically what is a feeling that sticks and what is an emotion in the moment. I'm bad at telling them apart (as are probably all people), and I can't say that I can. Therefore, I don't know that "it's different now."
Even though it really, really feels that way. Which is not a bad thing. If it's truly different now, it should carry me to a higher level of functioning and awareness that is good for myself. I can at the same time let go of Penelope and work to a point of functioning that would make our relationship better.
It still hurts though.
--
That'll be all. More to follow when I feel like it.
1. I had no trouble getting out of bed. There were a few minutes of confusion and a few minutes of grief, but I found myself jumping out of bed, dressing, making the bed and getting right to the zafu.
2. I could not have meditated enough. I think I will do another sit today, probably this afternoon.
3. I feel a resolve I have never felt or at least have not felt for a long time. It makes me carry my grief around with me, but still not resist the things I gotta do. It makes me want to get those things done in swift dispatch, then carve out a big chunk of time in the afternoon to deal with the pain. That seems unusually sensible. I hope this lasts.
4. For some reason, The Spirit of Radio is playing in my head. Or was playing in my head: I'm listening to it on Spotify right now. It played in my head when we temporarily broke up last week. Thinking about it, hearing it in my head, makes me feel very sad. Actually hearing it makes me feel good.
My favorite lines: "All this machinery making modern music / Can still be open-hearted. / Not so fully-charted, / it's really just a question of your honesty - yeah, your honesty." I love Rush.
(Is my subconscious trying to tell me this break up is a question of my honesty? That I can still be open-hearted?)
5. I feel like it's all been a huge mistake, my behavior in the relationship and the way I live my life. Both are wrapped up in the same problems, the same tiring complications. To be more specific, I think I rely too much on what makes me feel comfortable, and this lowers my awareness, lowers my level of responsibility, lowers my level of engagement. In relationships, it makes me "frigid" and sleepy. In my life, it manifests as a hunger for distraction.
6. I want to say to Penelope: "I'm ready now. I see through the veil of illusion I've been spinning for myself, and I'm ready to truly see you. Let's try again." It might not be true that I'm ready, and, also, I need to accept that some damage has been done. I can't hit a reset button. It makes the awareness less real. I need my experience of this loss to be very real right now.
7. NoVideo was a good idea (it's over now), but I really learned that watching video is not as injurious in itself as I thought it was. It's what I was doing with it. I was kind of doing it as a response to the pseudo break-up last month, as a way to regain my power and really salvage the relationship. I needed to do far more than just not watch videos. In fact, though it made me more productive in my personal projects, it seemed to not effect the relationship much at all. That doesn't mean, however, that watching videos is very valuable and worth defending.
8. This year went by fucking fast. Fast. It astounds me that I've lived in Albuquerque for over three months now. It blows my mind. That Penelope and I were together for a year, and one quarter of that time was this weird, non-time here. Where am I now? Where does that leave me?
9. Today feels like the real New Year's day. I feel a sense of closure and transition (obviously). Oddly, I'm going to the same sweat lodge ceremony tonight that I went to a year ago, the day of my first date with Penelope that went so well. That saddens me.
10. I look back at my relationship in two confusingly contradictory ways. Almost as if it's two relationships. There's the honeymoon period we had; it lasted about 8 months. Then things got not so great. I'm comfortable breaking up with the relationship of the past 4 months. I'm grieving for the relationship of the first 8 months.
11. A part of me feels that all this intensity of feeling surrounding the break-up is the catalyst that could finally make our relationship work. That it proves there's passion. That I know what the problem is now, and if we just tried again, we could make it work. I cannot say 100% if that is realistic or not, but it is not likely to be realistic. It's a manifestation of grief. Although it's interesting to note that I'm feeling multiple "stages" of grief at the same time. This kind of bargaining is also what happens after every argument I've ever had with a girlfriend, every conversation I've had with a girlfriend about how the relationship is not going well. And it has never resulted in success.
This part of me wants to say: "But it's different now!" It's always been "different now." To really make it different now, I need to really know how to see realistically what is a feeling that sticks and what is an emotion in the moment. I'm bad at telling them apart (as are probably all people), and I can't say that I can. Therefore, I don't know that "it's different now."
Even though it really, really feels that way. Which is not a bad thing. If it's truly different now, it should carry me to a higher level of functioning and awareness that is good for myself. I can at the same time let go of Penelope and work to a point of functioning that would make our relationship better.
It still hurts though.
--
That'll be all. More to follow when I feel like it.
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