Embryo Steps

Today I did some journaling on the subject of fear, and how fear informs a lot of the bad, time-wasting decisions I make. Whatever the cause, it is often fear of facing something - myself, reality, what - I don't know - that keeps me glued to the screen, searching for distractions.

(It's that searching feeling. Needing a fix, they call it?)

It's not the screen - it's not the distractions themselves. It's the need and the inability to feel that stress in my body that keeps me away.

I am aware of this; I think about it and think about what to do about it - but it's always back to the same old mistakes.

I am getting tired of this. Not directly - I'm actually fine with the never-ending process of reminding myself that I'm running away, not staying around for the world and the people around me - and then pulling myself back. That's fine. It's the hours and days and weeks of my life taken up by this and not adding up to what I would like it to. Where's the thread, the bliss, the work that holds it all together?

I'm trying for that, but struggling to make anything stick. I'd like to be a full-time student, but I can't afford that. If I get a job, I face spending the vast majority of my time on something other than what I want. This life is one in number. I can't afford to waste it.

Kind of seems like diving into the fear, really mastering the minutiae of my consciousness - that this is what's really important. If I can understand myself and understand fear and death and destitution and all of that - then I am free. Nothing else really to think about.

It's a lot of work. If I really pay attention, I find that I am afraid or worrying about 3 things or more at once. But it's a good thing to focus on; I feel it can yield quick, tangible results.

We'll see where I end up tomorrow - could be miles away.

Dream well, all.