The Little Tear that Unravels it All

I'm left with good feelings this evening, after a seemingly imbalanced but pleasurable day.

I got off to a good an early start: 4:45 these days. I batched all my morning activities: meditation, yoga, cleaning, an early-morning snack of avocado and pumpkin seeds.

I got in a good 90 minutes of planning my current Python project: a text-based adventure game set in Ancient Greece. It's really freakin' over-complicated, and I've mainly been planning the game engine the past few days. I still need to set up the plot and then get coding. I even spent some time recording a "text" sound effect (a sound the program makes as letters appear across the screen). I wanted it to sound like a plucked string, so I made a recording of me plucking my violin strings and edited it down to the barest "beep." It will continue to be fun.

I went for a decent run, then I had a nice breakfast (although I filled my whole apartment with bacon smoke while putting it together). I read for a bit, did some job searching. Then I began to feel extraordinarily tired, so I took a nap. I woke up for lunch and wasn't able to get it together for a couple hours. I went back to working on my game, then went outside to meet some prospective neighbors.

Went to class, came back, had dinner while reading, and here I am.

I feel a good amount of introspection built up in me - I find myself reflecting in moments. There are a lot of really good things going on individually. There are two huge painful things: my breakup and the stress of unemployment. I am managing well for both, but nothing is coalescing into balance. I am moving forward on the tightrope and keeping myself aloft, but I am tilting back and forth uneasily and don't even remember what it means to have composure.

Many people say they feel everything is "coming together" - they see themes in their life, or maybe it's just the sense that the energy they feel in one task carries helpfully into the other. With me, right now, there is a little of that, but I am aware of parallel feelings that are not lining up - like I'm feeling two different streams simultaneously, one comfortable and the other uncomfortable.

Another way to put it would be: I feel that everything is coming together - in one big messy heap. I don't know how to sort it out.

But I have learned one thing. I am learning this one thing very well. I have been asking myself: what if all my financial stress disappeared? What would I do differently? The answer is: very little. There would be a lot of stuff to do - funds to manage and whatnot. And I would probably get a new car and fill my larder with locally-grown steak and Chilean Carminere. But I would still be struggling to juggle the several projects and plans and ideas that I always seem to be juggling, still feeling the same anxiety. Just minus a few hours spent on resumes and such (which I might not 100% have to do anymore - I had a pretty damn good interview last week).

So I ask: why not get it together now? Why not make it fit now, if "financial woes" in actuality take up a tiny fraction of my time which, if I had a massive portfolio, would just get taken up by more activities anyway?

This little tear in the seam - this unavoidable fact that I can make changes now- is the type that can bring down entire schemes. I hope it is. I hope I fully grasp it.

Good night, all.