What I Want

It's as simple as that. What I want.

This is what I need to discover; this will be my job, my mission, my lesson, my calling.

I need to know what I want.

I had a conversation with Penelope yesterday; perhaps it's ill-advised, maybe it's okay. Either way, we got to talk about the break-down of our relationship. I mentioned, as I have for years, that I don't know what I want. Penelope very graciously pointed out to me that I do know.

She reminded me of a conversation we had several weeks ago, where I was trying to decide to move to another apartment or not. It's far more complicated than that, but I won't go into the details here. I told her I was distraught - I couldn't decide. She asked me to take a moment to really ask myself what I wanted. To be clear and to the point - "Do I want to make this move?" - and then log the first answer that comes up. That would be the correct one.

The answer came up quickly. "No." And I'm so grateful I came up with that.

This method, this "trick," is not anything new to me. But it was nice to have that reminder. Even though it's not new to me, I have a bad habit of not checking in with myself. It gives me this very false notion that I don't know what I want.

The truth is, I can choose to be confused about my desires; or I can choose to be clear about them.

I tend to choose to be confused about them. Why? I'm not entirely sure, but my best guess is that it has to do with my fear of displeasing people, first, and then a notion that I need to act a certain way, second.

The second thing is never a big deal with me - it's just a matter of observing, catching myself and changing my behavior. It's straightforward.

The first one, my fear of displeasing people, is huge and unwieldy. I'm not sure how to handle that one right now. What makes it unwieldy is that how I think about it when I'm by myself is very removed from how I act and respond when confronted with it.

At least I'm bringing to my attention that it's afoot.

I have about half an hour before I'd like to go to bed. In that time, I can focus on myself, what I need to be doing, what the next step is in understanding myself. I think I'm going to spend that time simply writing, getting a handle on where I'm at, where to go next. I will share the results tomorrow.

For now, good night, all.