The Feeling of Letting Go

Something so coveted: what does it feel like to finally be able to let go, to move on, to grow out of a funk, a protracted state of grieving. What gets the wound to heal?

I've heard so many words of wisdom and so much fluff on this topic. We all want to transform. But what does it really look like?

Today, for the first time since the drama began in early November, I walked out onto the shambles of a garden that sits behind my house, armed with a tenugui, sunscreen, fishing gloves and a notepad. I began taking notes. I walked around and noted what needed to be done. A list of next steps to take.

A lot of it is dithering, but, for the time being, it is healing dithering: cleaning up garbage, raking twigs and leaves, moving around discarded equipment and furniture, stacking wood. It felt really, really good in a way I haven't felt in a long time.

I have been sweating the small stuff way too much: it's kind of a side effect of learning how to manage my time and my possessions for the first time in my life. Kind of allowing my natural OCD to take over, when I should really be accomplishing bigger things. But I'm learning. I just need to remember: after piling twigs comes designing a compost bin, replanting and redesigning the garden. Does it not inspire me like it should? Redo it.

Of course there is tremendous value in the small things. The point is that I do them with full force, full relish and with ceremony. Cleaning my apartment has gone from something I didn't want to be bothered to even think about; to something I realize I like having done, when I feel like it; to something I feel I ought to do; to something I intend to do and claim to enjoy, but rarely do; to teeth-clenchingly maintained habit; to somewhat comfortable but often stressful and annoying habit; to blissful early-morning ceremony.

I'm beginning to see how these things change in my life and just what it is that goes into them that makes them doable or not. I have a lot of control over what kind of baggage to put in my activities. In many ways, learning how to work in life is learning how to master your habits. But I wouldn't be the first blogger to muse on the subject of habits...

Well, my heart has opened a little bit. I have cast off the cringing away from the drama and am ready to take my place on the earth again. Where will that lead me?